Chapter 3
AN: Back to angst….
That Son of bitch! She thought, driving far quicker than the speed limit. Of all the arrogant, pompous things to say! Jealous? She wasn't jealous. She was concerned, she cared, she tried to help him, and she gets accused of being jealous? But she was most certainly NOT jealous.
She harrumphed. She was done with him. Enough of this crap. He wanted to keep his little secrets, his little "necklace" and secret girlfriend, more power to him! He wasn't going to be a best friend to her, then she wouldn't be a best friend to him either. She can't believe he wouldn't share something like that with her, that he…
A tiny little voice in the back of her head was speaking to her. Maybe he didn't want to tell you because you reacted poorly the first time.
"Nonsense," she said out loud to her steering wheel. But somewhere, deep down, she knew the voice wasn't exactly wrong. Her heart, and her car, both slowed down.
Why, Pen? Why did you react poorly?
"I was concerned," she said, but her voice didn't sound quite as certain.
Then she knew it. She knew it with every beat of her heart. Caverns below, somewhere basic that she didn't want to dwell, she was jealous. She was afraid of losing him, his friendship, to someone that he really cared about.
She was spoiled. She had Derek to herself for five years, her only true confidant, the one person she was absolutely sure loved her. She knew it; she didn't want to share something that special to her.
He had women, lots and lots of women, but not one that he didn't tell her about. He told her about each floozy he dated: she would laugh at their antics, how they approached him, their lines that they said. Her calling him a chocolate Adonis was nothing in comparison to what some of these ladies said to him!
But never in all those years was there anyone serious. Now, he was serious enough that he would inquire about the regulations and if it was appropriate yet to date her. He would keep a necklace special and secret.
It wasn't that she wanted him to be alone. She wanted Derek to have all the love in the world. He should fall totally, completely, in love with someone. He deserved only the best, nothing else would do for him in her book.
But then her heart ached again. She had Kevin, but it wasn't that kind of love. Morgan would never, ever, be replaced by Kevin. Derek was number one to her, always would be. He was that important to her. Now, for the first time in five years, real insecurity threatened her.
Was she important enough to him for that same thing?
She gave up a long time ago that she would be the woman that he would fall that hard for. It was a pipe dream, she knew it. He deserved perfection, and would most likely get it. He was going to end up with a woman who looked like a playboy bunny, thought like Albert Einstein, and made Mother Theresa look petty. And she was jealous. Damn jealous of a woman that would get that love. Derek would fall hard someday; he was passionate about work, passionate about family, passionate about their friendship.
And some lucky bitch was going to have that.
She felt bitterness, bile rising in her throat at the same time as tears. She swallowed hard, blinking back the moisture.
And she hated herself for it.
She was over that with him, over it a very long time ago. When she saw him dance with five women at one time, when he dated gorgeous bimbo after bimbo, when he came into work late after an all-nighter; she was over it. When not one woman, not one out of at least twenty that he went out with, was less than perfect in looks and body.
She was not, nor ever would be, Derek Morgan's type.
But love him, she did. Like a best friend, forever and ever. Nothing would change that. And she hurt him. It wasn't that she wasn't somewhat justified in her anger. But she shouldn't have resulted in name calling.
Nothing sucked as much as that moment when she knew she was completely wrong. She turned her car around and headed towards Morgan's place. She had to apologize, to do damage control, before she lost what she had left with him.