Disclaimer: I don't own Stephanie Plum, Lester Santos, Joe Morelli, or Ranger. I own a dog named Angelo who is pretty fantastic but doesn't look half as good as Ranger does in cargo pants.

A/N: School has been CRAZY! Please forgive the hiatus. I'm going to try and update Fired by Batman tomorrow before I go out of town for the weekend. Thanks for being so patient and sticking with me. Y'all are the best.

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All I can say is thank God I got dressed before I went to sleep, because there was a man in bed with me when I woke up from my nap.

The ratio of how many times I wake up with a man in my bed to how many times I actually get laid is shockingly pathetic. I rubbed the last of the sleep from my eyes and focused on Lester reading...Oh My God...he was reading one of my romance novels!! I craned my neck to see which one and caught a glimpse of a super tan Fabio lookalike, shirtless, long brown hair blowing in the wind.

Lester glanced over at me with a smirk and turned his eyes back to the book. He cleared his throat dramatically. "Take me!" He cried in a hideous falsetto, "Take me you savage warrior! I care not that we come from rival villages or that your skin is the most sinful chocolate against the pale alabaster of my own. Slay me with your engorged love sword! Let us join as..." He didn't get to finish since I tackled him, wrenching the book from his grasp. As if I wasn't sufficiently mortified for one day.

I threw the book into my open closet and tried to right myself. I was sprawled across Lester with my legs tangled in the sheets. I tried getting myself up in the most dignified way possible but my legs were wrapped in the blanket like a mermaid fin. I thrashed and flopped around until Lester was tangled in with me. I tried to push against him for leverage, placing my hands on his chest and using my lower body to press against the bed on my way up. Unfortunately, our lower bodies were pressed together and I actually rubbed against him in just the right...er...wrong way. Our groans escaped in sync. I felt the blush crawl up my cheeks and looked up into his eyes. I couldn't believe I messed up so badly when my desire for this man was so strong.

Even after the events of earlier that morning I wanted him. I offered my lips to him for a kiss and saw him move in too. I closed my eyes and closed the distance. Except...I wasn't kissing his lips. I opened my eyes to see his palm in my face.

Ugh. And the embarrassment just keeps piling up.

He lowered his hand and calmly proceeded to get us untangled. I moved away from him to sit on the edge of the bed. He sat beside me and threw an arm around my shoulder.

"As much as I want to try again, Steph. And believe me, I do. I want to...slay you with my engorged love sword...but I won't make the same mistake twice." I winced and felt a hot blush fill my face. Not that sleeping together was the best idea of all time, but labeling it a mistake before it even happened is a bit harsh. He let out a low laugh. "I've always wondered what it would be like to be with you,Steph, and I never thought I'd get a chance. Here's my chance and I'm turning you down?!" He laughed again, shaking his head. "Never thought I'd see the day."

"What do you mean?"

"We met about a year ago, and at first I just thought you were beautiful, gorgeous. And no offense, but I didn't really see what all the fuss was about. I'd known Ranger for years and I'd never seen him so struck by a woman...so possessive of one. But after getting to know you, I got it. You're so spontaneous and passionate. If I were him, I'd be possessive too. What I don't understand is why he never acted on it. If I had to guess, I'd say he was trying to protect you. His life can be a little scary. And these government missions he's obligated to are truly life or death scenarios. He's either afraid that he'd put you in the line of fire or that he'd spend so much time trying to make sure you're safe he'd lose focus and put you both in danger." I tried to put in my two cents and got shushed. "Just let me finish. I think I know why he acts the way he does, but if I were him I would have been too selfish to just stand back and watch you with another man. I know that somehow you've gotten it into your head that Ranger doesn't want you. But I've seen the way he looks at you and I know that he'll always want you." I opened my mouth to argue again but he just continued on. "More importantly, I've seen the way you look at him. I've always wondered what it would be like to have you looking at me that way and today you came so damned close. There was something missing but I was willing to take whatever I could get. Ranger and I are very alike in that aspect. We're both opportunists. I should have known better than to push you into something you aren't ready for. I should have known better than to put myself on the line like that but life's only as good as the risks you take." He gave me a wry smile.

I could feel the tears building in my eyes again and remembered my promise to myself about no more tears. I took in a deep breath, "That's very sweet of you to say. And I'm so sorry about earlier. You deserve much better than the way I treated you. But what you don't know is that I didn't just come up with the idea that he didn't want me out of no where. He told me."

"Beautiful, you must have misunderstood."

I shook my head violently. "No. There was no misunderstanding," I assured him. "He told me that he considers me a good 'friend'. I think he feels responsible for leading me on, but that's it. He told me to 'stop chasing impossibilities'. He passed me off to Morelli like I was a toy he had tired of. He went behind my back and worked with Morelli to plan my life for me. Not because he cares so much. Because he feels sorry for me. I guess he thought it would clear his conscience, if when he tossed me aside, I had something cushy to land on." I heard the bitter tone of my voice, took another deep breath and turned it down a notch or two. "I wasn't being fair to you when I initiated things today. I'm clearly not over everything yet. But don't back off because you think you're stepping on Ranger's toes. Trust me, us being together wouldn't hurt him one bit. I'll understand if you want to request a different assignment and have someone else do the Bombshell Babysitting but I really hope this doesn't hurt our friendship. Because you are a good friend. You always have been."

He wrapped his other arm around me to gather me in a hug. "Of course I'm not leaving you, Beautiful. Half of me hopes one of us messes up again, even if it results in a little hurt pride. Just one kiss from you is worth a dented ego."

I tilted my face up toward him and laid a light kiss on his lips. "Thank you."

"No worries." He gave my hair a little tussle and jumped up from the bed. "Let's go catch some skips, Bombshell. Just try not to blow up this car. It has heated seats and a killer sound system."

I laughed, but still sent him a death glare out of principle. "I'll try not to."

I grabbed my gun from the cookie jar on the way down to the parking lot. Lester looked a little surprised I was grabbing it at all and I just shrugged. This was the new me we were talking about here. This was Badass Business Stephanie. Not to be mistaken with Cruelly Set Up Stephanie of just a day ago.

We climbed into the RangeMan SUV where Lester's "killer sound system" blasted at me as soon as we got in. I immediately recognized Miley Cyrus singing "Party in the USA". I whipped my head around to look at Lester who was frantically pushing buttons trying to change the station.

Wait a second, the LED light up screen read CD, not FM. I clicked the eject button and out popped The Time of Our Lives.

"Busted." I did that annoying little sing-song thing to really drive home the guilt. "But, I won't tell as long as you never mention that book the rest of your long life."

"Agreed." And he greedily snatched the CD from my hand, tucking it into the visor overhead.

We drove to the bonds office listening to Disturbed's Indestructible, with the windows down, just so everyone within earshot would know we weren't sweet, happy, Miley Cyrus fans, but certified BadAsses.

The SUV rolled up to the curb behind Joyce Berndhart's vehicle. Just the bitch I didn't want to see today. Just the bitch I didn't want to see EVER. I reached into my bag and grabbed my stunner. I placed it in my back pocket...just in case. It wouldn't be the first time I got the urge to stun Joyce. I just wanted to be prepared...for once.

Lester flung open the door to the bonds office and held it open for me. Connie was behind her desk and Lula was chomping down a burrito by the file cabinet when we came in. Joyce turned her overly made up face toward me. Her fire engine red hair was piled on top of her head in frizzy curls. She was clad in her full leather catwoman suit. It was so low cut I could almost see her belly button, and the sides of the legs and arms were shredded to show the maximum amount of skin possible in a full jumpsuit. She pursed her glossy red lips as she scanned me head to toe, then moved her attention to Lester. She took way too much time sizing up Lester, obviously stopping at his crotch to lick her lips.

Ick!

Being the smart boy he is, Lester came in to put his hand on the small of my back in an intimate way that screamed "MINE"...even if I wasn't.

She trailed her eyes back to me, narrowed them, and spat out, "I heard you were already screwing someone new. And outside, like an animal no less."

I was panic stricken to think so many people knew already. I guessed the only reason my phone wasn't ringing off the hook was that I unplugged it yesterday after I received all those unwanted messages from my mother admonishing me for punching Joe. I hid my panic away for later, putting on my best icy face. "Does that make me more appealing? I know how you like your animals." Lula chuckled into her burrito wrapper.

Joyce let out a sort of growl to show her disapproval. Her eyes lit up with a kind of evil only she could achieve, "So, this is the next little piece of man candy you're going to throw my way when you're done with him?" She nodded toward Lester, the man candy. "I look forward to it. Morelli was fantastic last night, by the way."

I flung myself in the air as I reached for my stunner. I felt like Wonder Woman as soared toward her,knocking her to the ground. She clawed at me with long red acrylic nails. I pulled her hair with one hand and set my stunner between her huge fake breasts. She had a second to look down at my hand before I pushed the button. She shook for a second and was still. I shot up when I heard a funny hissing sound. I walked over Joyce's limp body to stand beside and a little behind Lester. I threw the stunner toward the rear exit, thinking it was malfunctioning. Instead of going away though, the hissing grew into a kind of gargle. I realized the sound was coming from below me, not the other side of the room. I looked down to see Joyce's breasts tremble and dance. The gurgle became rumble, and finally a pop as the gargantuan knockers collapsed in on themselves. She went from Double D's to B's in 3.5.

I knew one of us should call an ambulance, or at least a doctor, but it's damned hard to call anyone when you're laughing so hard.

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A/N two: Okay, so I'm not a medical expert and I'm sure what I described is completely impossible, but I love to see Joyce off her slutty high horse.