Author's note: huge huge huge thanks to Cali for reading this all the way through and correcting it all before I posted it. And the reason you guys aren't getting updates so quickly is because they're longer then the updates you usually get. And the fact that I have scattered what I write, I honestly have parts from like chapter 12 and 17 done and perfected. That I know you all will love. Remember if you guys have any suggestions or requests leave them in a review, I love hearing them. Your reviews are like candy and I love reading them. Thank you for all the help Lauren and I can't wait to finish the next chapter too. The song is Holiday by Boys Like Girls

When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
No one could hold me down
No one could keep me around
Now it's your turn, take a shot
Baby show me everything that you got
Maybe you can keep me alive
Maybe you can get in my mind
But it's only a matter of time

She'd been sitting in the same spot for fifteen minutes, fifteen long agonizing moments. Where her fingertips remained on her lips, she could still feel his mouth on her own and all it made her want to do was break down and cry. She'd been so out of it lately, since she'd found out she was pregnant, things with herself had changed drastically. She didn't smile much, she didn't eat well, and she cried more then she ever had in her life. For those few moments of Dan being there, of him kissing her, of them almost going further, all she wanted was more. She needed and craved his touch, her secrets were so heavy, and the fact that they literally resided under her heart made it just that much harder.

Stopping crying wasn't so easy in the past few weeks; it was about as easy as watching everyone around her smile and laugh. Smiles and laughs seemed like something only reserved for those who weren't her. None of it was fair and she'd brought it all upon herself. As she pulled herself up from leaning against the door she knew it. The one her lack of eating, sleep, and emotions were hurting the most for was in fact that little one under her heart. She'd been so unglued and scared since Lily had confirmed her suspicions with the pregnancy test results, then to have the doctor just two days ago lecture her about the wellness that came with being twelve weeks along had made it sink in just that much more. She was carrying a piece of Dan around with her no matter where she went.

Up until now she had been too afraid to acknowledge the baby in any way, almost as though if she did, it too would be ripped away from her just like all other good things had been. It was one of her many issues, feeling like once something went right something to follow would go wrong. Today as she pulled herself up from leaning against the door after her and Dan's fight she decided that maybe it was time she finally had a heart to heart with her little reason for not jumping off into the deep end.
Walking to the bay window overlooking the city below, she curled herself up in a chair thinking about the afternoon's fight. She had told him that she and Jenns hadn't had sex, but she'd never once said she wasn't pregnant. He'd just assumed that she wasn't. She wasn't sure whether to be happy he hadn't pried any more or disappointed that she was still the one with the secret. Either way it didn't change anything, she was still having their baby.

"Hey bug"

Her cloudy vision, warm voice, shaky hand, she suddenly blurted out as her head shifted down toward, her hand rested on top of, and her voice spoke to the tiny bump. She'd put on four pounds in three months of pregnancy so far; she was told it would be normal and ok as long as she gained a pound a week from sixteen weeks on. She'd never been this not herself in her life, it was almost scary to her.

"Now I know you heard my conversation with Dan… nope wait I guess calling him that to you wouldn't really be right now would it? Something tells me he wouldn't like you calling him Dan. He's your… well, he's daddy."

Calling him daddy for some strange reason felt so right to her, like the way things were heading were just the way they were supposed to be. The two of them as parents together, eventually, when Dan had accomplished everything he'd been so ready to start.
"Bug, I don't want you to hate me because it's just you and me ok? This is the way it has to be for now. Your daddy, he's special and he needs to show the rest of the world that too. Just like he planned to do before you decided to pop up. I can't say that I was… no wait, Mommy can't say she was expecting you. Because, well that's me bug, I'm your mommy"

A five letter word had never made her tear up as much as the word 'mommy', using it to describe herself just made it all just that much more real. There was really something inside of her. Not something but someone, a little someone that she would love without question forever. It all felt so unreal, scary and exhilarating at the same time.

She closed her eyes to stop the tears, but doing so only made them form properly and roll down her cheeks. She clenched her eyelids shut and bit her lower lip, trying desperately not to cry. Serena felt as if she owed it to the baby to prove that everything would be ok, they would get through it all. She didn't want to cry out loud and give away the fact that she was terrified of all that lay ahead of her and her little one. She slid her hand under her shirt and slowly rubbed a circle around the bump, her hand longing for his on top of it. What she would give to have him there, laying behind her his warm body pressed against her own, breathing on her neck, his soft hand moving with hers, feeling what they'd created together. She wouldn't be crying if that were the case.

"For now though Bug, you have to trust mommy to do the right thing. Even if it means putting someone else's needs in front of ours, because at least we have one another. That's a lot more than some people have. But I um… I love you bug, I love you and your daddy very much. That's why we need to let him go. To let him be happy ok?"

Confidence in what she had to do was the only thing getting the words out of her mouth, letting him have all the things he wanted and not getting in the way of it all by pushing a child into his lap was the only thing she could do to contribute. To conceal the fact that she had the power to hold everything up for him, she'd been so ready and so wanting with him. Every bit of him from the beginning, yet she didn't want to bring him to this part of it all so soon.

"I'm sorry I can't give you more than this, that I can't give you both mommy and daddy. But Bug, I'm doing the best I can here. I'm sorry if it's not enough, and I'm sorry if I screw it all up. You have to know that I'm going to try my best though, I'm sorry if it's not enough. I just want to do the best I can ok? Starting right now I'm going to push something in your brain, something I need you to remember. Daddy loves you, and it's my fault he's not around, but he does he really does, and if you want to blame anyone for him not being here it's me ok? I'm sorry bug."

She removed her hand from her stomach and wiped her tear stained eyes, she could tell it would be the first of many heart to hearts she'd have with her little bug. For now Serena needed to go somewhere or talk to someone that would make her feel like her choice about not telling him was the right thing to do. There was only one person that wouldn't think she was crazy for her decisions, one other person that knew how much his future meant to him. She just hoped the person could see past their differences and be on her side for once.

Before I run far away
I need to take a holiday
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday

The sticky syrupy coating on the tabletop was the reason for her certain resentment for children of any age. The mother that had come in over an hour and a half ago had had three little monsters clinging to her legs as they'd all whined and complained that they wanted pancakes with extra syrup, chocolate milk, and chocolate jimmies. There'd been so much noise and confusion in the small café when it was normally so quite and relaxed. The mother and the children came in once a week every week and ordered the same thing with the same fuss and confusion. She wouldn't have minded taking care of the table and serving the mother and children if it were a normal afternoon with them. A normal afternoon with them coming in would have consisted of them walking in the door and her throwing Dan a dirty mocking look as he sat sipping his coffee and studying for a test. A test for which he'd suddenly stop studying to help her, regardless if he worked there or not. He'd bring the milk over and wow the children as he added chocolate syrup and turned the milk from white to light brown. He'd put extra whipped cream on the pancakes and a dash of it on all three of the kids noses making them cackle with laughter. But very unlike Dan, he'd abandoned her for the afternoon. She'd dealt with the table all alone and they'd all complained ten times worse. How and why Dan was so good with children she couldn't figure out. Dark brown curls fell from the pin they'd been back in and doused themselves in the gooey brown maple and she nearly gagged. Why she was having such a cruddy day she didn't understand. Shaking her head as she leaned over the table to scrub up more of the cleaning stuff she'd sprayed and the syrup, her phone started to vibrate and before she could play a balancing act to catch it, it fell into the goopy mess.

"What the fuck"

She muttered angrily as she picked the phone up between two fingers suddenly pissed at whoever was on the other end. Without question her first and only thought was it had to be Dan no one else called her during work. Holding up the soppy phone she gingerly pressed the talk button and held the phone as close to her ear as she could without it touching. "You better have a damn good reason for not showing up here today, and hanging out with friggen Vanessa Hudgens or what ever her naive little face is sure as hell is not going to cut it. I seriously think I liked you better with Barbie and the Priss Bitch" She couldn't have cared less if they fought anymore, Dan hadn't been himself since his latest breakup with Serena and she couldn't decide who she didn't like more for it. Serena for changing him or Dan for falling in love; they were both equally dumb to her. Yet part of her wanted to admit it was only because she'd been to in love with Dan herself to give Serena a chance, the still-bitter part of her refused to knowledge that fact.
Hearing the sniffling on the other end she knew right away that it couldn't have been Dan. Instead the voice that answered her made her hold the phone away from her for a moment and look at it like it was some alien device. What the hell was she thinking calling? Vanessa wasn't even nice to her half the time. It was her and her world that had ruined Dan and partly influenced Vanessa herself.

"No Dan is not with me, why do you even care where Dan is?"

She barked out at the voice on the other line regardless of how broken up she sounded. When Serena had broken up with Dan again Vanessa had lost any slight bit of trust and feeling for her that she'd had in the first place. Hearing the blonde's whispered voice and her question equally confused Vanessa till Serena stepped through the glass door and into the café.

Vanessa had never seen the UES beauty queen looking so ordinary and down, yet somehow even in sweats and a tee shirt she was different then the rest of them. Her hair was back in a messy bun, her eyes were blotchy and red, if this was Serena whining over her and Dan's break up Vanessa felt no remorse, they ended it together.

"Just the person I want to see to make my day even worse"

Leaving her rag on the table she'd been cleaning, she shut her sticky phone and put it down, walking from the table to the sink behind the counter to get the syrup out of her hair. The whole time she continued to glance up at Serena she couldn't have looked more miserable then she did at the moment. It actually made Vanessa a little worried.

"Sorry V I just… I didn't know where else to go. I need someone to talk to."

Vanessa raised her eyebrow at Serena, what was this? The day from hell? First she put up with three annoying brats and now here she was to deal with the life size Barbie doll. She rolled her eyes slightly as she squeezed the last bit of water out of her hair and walked back to the sitting area to take a seat across from Serena. The customers were all gone and there really wasn't much left for Vanessa to do.

"I know I'm not your favorite person in the world but I needed someone to talk to. Someone that… I don't know, wouldn't think I was crazy.
Serena hesitated as she looked down at the table and her hands played with the bottom of Dan's shirt she'd left on.

"Blondie if you're here because you're in love with Dan, you've come to the wrong place because I'm not helping with any of that…"

Vanessa cut off the rest of her sentence soon as she saw Serena shake her head and start to go through her bag. When she finally tossed out the Dartmouth course book Vanessa looked at her like she was crazy.

"You need me to help you apply to college?"
Yawning she clicked her nails on the table top then looked down to inspect the chips in the table waiting for Serena to speak again.

"There is so much there he needs to go for, so many reasons and opportunities he needs to go for. Once he's there there's no stopping him."

As thought listening to Amanda complain as he filled out his application to send in the night before sitting in the same spots hadn't been enough now she needed to listen to the ex-girlfriend do it also? Didn't anyone care, didn't it matter that she was losing her best friend also? Since when had she become so much of nothing?

"Serena do you have a point with all of this? Because I think you should be taking this up with him not me. I have no influence over Dan."

Rolling her eyes again at the blonde she stood up this time and picked up a glass plate off the table beside them to carry to the back of the café and take care of. She wished that someone would come in and give her a reason to stop talking about it all completely. Or even that her movie date for the night would come to rescue her early.

"I'm trying to justify my reasons in not telling him he's… um.. in not telling him that… Dan's going to be"

Vanessa turned back to her glass plate still in hand as she waited for Serena to finish her sentence. Normally Serena didn't shut up and suddenly she couldn't get words out of her mouth. This was very un like the Serena she'd watched with Dan so often.

"You know Serena, I think you better stick with guitar hero because your speaking skills suck."
She was sure Serena hadn't heard her as she still looked like she was deep in conversation thinking about how to get the words to actually roll off of her tongue. Waiting a few moments longer Vanessa finally give up as she once again started to head to the sink.

"Dan's gonna be a father Vanessa, I'm pregnant"

Serena blurted out for the first time to anyone, it still felt so strange to say. In a way it relieved her, the fact that it was Vanessa she was talking to rather then Blair. Blair would have criticized on her choice of Dan, Vanessa how ever would complain about their carelessness. It was too late for both complains and debates, however, there was a baby coming whether it had been planned or not.

Vanessa couldn't believe her ears as she dropped the glass plate and let it smash to the floor. She couldn't be serious, her Dan was going to be a father? The best friend she used to make eat mud pies, peg soccer balls at, and dress up like a girl just to take silly videos of him. That Dan was going to be someone's father. None of it seemed or felt possible to her; maybe her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day was just that. Yet for some reason as Serena bent down to pick up the pieces of shattered glass from the plate, Vanessa suddenly snapped into over-protective mode as she knelt down and gently pushed Serena's hands away from the glass. She knew very well that Dan would have Serena up on a higher pedestal by now if he knew. That included not allowing her to get cut on glass.

After the plate was all cleaned away and Vanessa had nearly begged Serena to sit back down, with two cup of hot chocolate garnished with candy cane bits each, she made her way to the table Serena had picked to sit at. Vanessa had been completely silent since Serena had spilled her news.

"Well I have to say none of this was anything that I was expecting."
Vanessa shook her head as she placed the cup down in front of Serena and then sat across from her. If someone had told Vanessa that only a year after she'd chased Dan around because she was still in love with him he'd be on the verge of having his own family she wouldn't ever have believed them.

"V, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm putting all this on you, I just can't keep it all to myself and I think that out of everyone you can see my point for why I'm doing what I'm doing. So please give me a chance and hear me out."

Serena's hand was shaking, if any of this went wrong or if Vanessa didn't agree with her Dan would know in a matter a seconds, and the thought of that scared her. She wasn't ready for Dan to know. She didn't yet have a plan on how to get him to not give up his dreams, and she'd befriended Amanda. Amanda would be completely torn apart if Dan left her. Serena herself knew what it was like to lose Dan, and the pain wasn't something she wanted to push on anyone.

"First of all I'm not doing any of this because I don't think Dan would be a good father. Because I know he would be, I mean, we casually talked about the future, or I've seen him in the park. I mean, I know that this baby is more than lucky all because it has him, but I just… I can't do it. I can't ruin his life and I can't let Amanda go through what I have gone through. Losing him is the hardest thing I've ever been… I'm sorry, I shouldn't…"

The look in Vanessa's eyes caused her to trail off and stop talking, there was a mutual feeling about the loss of Dan in them. Serena then remembered she'd done the same thing to Vanessa just the year before, there was truly no way she could do it again to someone else.

"Well how selfless of you, but Serena I don't think this is really your choice to make. It took the both of you to get pregnant, he's part of this child's life whether he's the one you picked for the job or not, this isn't a place where you have a choice Serena."

Everything she was saying were things that Serena had already known, but it still didn't change Serena's mind regarding any of it. She still felt like Dan deserved better then anything she could give him, after everything she'd already put him through. The sarcasm in Vanessa's voice wasn't making any of it any easier to deal with either.

"None of this is because I don't think he'd be a good father, or because I don't want him to be the baby's father because more then anything I want him to be at my appointments with me, I want him there to hold my hair back when I'm sick in the mornings. I would love it if he could be there to go through this all with me. But the truth is he's so much better then that. Dan's so much better then everything that I've put him through, and it's not fair to him that I keep dragging him down along with me. I want him to go to Dartmouth, get the job he wants, and to be happy. And I mean eventually he'll know that this baby is his but right now I just want it to be my secret till I can figure more things out. Until I know that I'm not going to hurt him or anyone around him anymore."

It was the first time that Vanessa had actually seen the innocent, distressing, and heartbroken look in Serena's eyes. She could tell that Serena really did love Dan and care about what happened to him, after not trusting the girl to do anything more then to break his heart she knew that that had been the wrong side of Serena she could have seen. Serena too had fallen in love with Dan, but Vanessa could also tell she was sincere with not wanting to put him through anymore then what she had.

"You do plan on telling him though right? I don't mean right now but eventually. He has a right to know that he's having a child."

Vanessa didn't keep secrets from Dan, but this wasn't hers to tell, even she could respect that. Maybe there really were two UES's that were selfless in their actions.

"Of course I do, V, I know this isn't coming across really well but I love him. I love him more than anyone else in the world. I can't decide if my heart is breaking more at the thought of not being with him or of stalling his life with a baby. I didn't expect this, a baby was totally not in my plans. I was totally set on helping out overseas next year, not taking care of a baby. But I also have to say that I don't regret a second of this. I don't think having this baby is a regret and I think I'd have more regrets if I didn't have the baby."

Every word that came out of Serena's mouth was coming from her heart and Vanessa could tell. By the tone of her voice and by the look in her eyes, it was all clear that she really did honestly love Dan, more than they both could have expected.

"Well S, I have to say that Chuck's gonna be awfully disappointed that you can't come drink with us at Victrola."

Both of the girls looked up when Nate's voice interrupted their thoughts. His smooth smile shown every time he clicked his gum in his mouth. He was dressed casually, like the perfect movie date, with a handful of daisies included. He leaned over Vanessa and kissed her cheek placing the flowers in her hands and she rolled her eyes at him. Serena had to all but put her hand over her mouth to stop from 'awing' out loud.

"I told you, you didn't have to bring me flowers."

She sighed getting up and leaving her conversation with Serena as was. Without saying it with words they both knew that Vanessa was going to keep her secret for her.

"Yeah but when you won't take anything else I bring you, what other choice do I have V, I wanted to bring you something. You deserve it for all that you put up with me."

With a quick hello kiss to Serena's cheek he rubbed her hand before following Vanessa around the corner. After their quick break up and then their summer with a miserable best friend each they'd decided to court it a little more, give their romance a try.

"I put up with your ass only because I want to endure the torture. Apparently, you're not that bad."
Nate smiled at her response; he was completely falling for her wits and sass.

"But you do have to do me one favor"

Her navy eyes looked at him then over to Serena who was carelessly looking out the window, head leaning on her hand.

"Get her home safely, tuck her in for the night and watch over her. I'll call you when I'm done studying for the test I have tomorrow."

My father, he was always wise
As wise as an elephant's eyes
He couldn't hold me down
He couldn't keep me around
So are you gonna take your shot?
It's the only one that you got
Maybe I'll go out on a limb
Maybe I'll jump in for a swim
When the lights go dim

She'd fallen asleep on his shoulder in the town car, the last time he'd seen his best friend this warn out was when she was eleven and she'd begged and pleaded with Lily to let her go to a soccer tournament. Somehow the blonde had managed to get in the middle of it all and actually participate as Blair sat on the sidelines picking at her nails. She was always a wonder to him, how she could be so reckless and uncaring about everything when Blair was her best friend.

"S, hey we're here. Wake up ok?"

Nate shook her a little bit as he picked her up and exited the limo. The sun was falling and the November weather was beginning to get cooler. Had it been a little bit cooler he swore there would have been snow on the ground that was one of the perks about the city.

Still in a haze of sleep she stood up on her own two feet, one of her hands holding onto his as he held the small of her back for more support. He'd always been there for her, and not freaking out in the café on her had proved even more that he would be there for her. As he guided her to the elevator without saying a word she knew he wasn't judging her. The person that she was afraid to tell the most besides Dan was Blair, because that was exactly where the judging would begin.

"Natie, you should have gone with V. I promise I'm fine."

She said casually as she leaned her head on his shoulder and yawned. She was always tired the past few months, fatigue had been something that was completely not her until now.

"No Serena, I wasn't going to let you take a cab home by yourself looking as torn apart as you already look. I still can't believe you didn't tell me months ago."

Nate's lecturing made her sigh and stretch her arms above her head, Nate's habit of treating her like a child was back. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and walked to the doors of the elevator when it stopped.

"I'm fine really, I promise. Plus it's not like I've known for that long. I'm twelve weeks, when you think of all the rest I have to go through twelve sounds like nothing."

She shrugged as Nate put his hands on her shoulders and led her threw the doors and down the hallway. As always Serena took everything with ease and patience, like it wasn't a life changing thing or anything.

"You're pregnant S, this isn't just something little…"

The sound of someone clearing their throat made them both stop and turn around Serena tightened her grip on Nate's shirt but as Blair came into view she calmed down a little bit, at least it wasn't Dan.

"Pregnant S? I thought you told me differently this morning"

Serena swallowed hard and bit the inside of her lip as her mind formed a response for the question. Usually she wasn't one to stand up to Blair and not play into her little games but today was a different day, and a new Serena.

"Well actually B, I told you that I hadn't slept with Jenns. I never said that I wasn't pregnant. It's not like I can say anything at school without GG being all over me."

Blair still looked overly annoyed as she looked back and forth between Serena and Nate as though trying to pin something on Nate also. As much as she loved Blair she knew that Blair always tried to over dramatize everything, and this situation was not going to be an exception to that.

You know I'll run far away
I need to take a holiday
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday

Blair had finally left before the clock had ticked ten, a time that Nate was ready to throw everyone out with their bickering anyways. As he finally shut the door with the last of them he turned back to Serena who lay completely emotionless on her lounge. After the day she'd had he couldn't blame her. His best friend was going to be someone's mother, and when he thought about it, it was strange to him. He could still remember playing around with her in the playground.

Without hesitation he advanced forward to her and kneeled down taking her hand in his own. She's always been the same, his sweet, sassy, partly broken Serena and he'd been the one to see her through it all. If he had to he'd be there for this, if she didn't want Dan around she'd need someone around. He was her best friend and she had always been his biggest confidant. They'd lost all of that with their one night of silly passion, but somewhat regained it away during the summer. She was still the same girl, the girl his heart missed.

"Come on Serena, I'll put you to bed"

He whispered into her ear as he bent over and swept her up in his arms liked he'd done so many times to throw her into the water. Serena was so different to Blair, he wasn't afraid with Serena, that she'd break soon as he touched her. Maybe that was because she was the child who used to willingly sit there and eat mud after soccer games while Blair pointed her out as gross. Or it could have been the way she'd skin her knees and bleed yet continued on her game like it hadn't happened. There were moments rowing up where Serena was more of the little boy then Chuck was, Chuck who was too worried about his shoes or his bow tie to participate.

She obliged right away and wrapped her arms securely around his neck, burying her face along also. He could smell the lavender and lilies with just a simple inhale and it reminded him of the photos of the three in the bath that clogged up most photo albums. They'd been that close forever.
Laying her down on the all white eyelet bed he kicked off his own shoes and crawled in beside her letting her curl herself close to his chest. She had always been the one to sleep in the middle, he and Blair took the parent roles on the outside. Pushing her hair back from her face he leaned in and kissed her forehead as bright green eyes popped open.

"Are you scared S?"

It was obvious in her eyes, and he already knew the answer to the question but Nate being Nate needed to hear it out of her mouth. Part of Nate couldn't believe it was all true.

"Petrified Natie"

As she admitted it and said the nickname she'd grown up calling him, one she hadn't said since the night of the wedding she saw the smile cross his lips. It was something they'd missed, being so close, being best friends.

"You remember when we were little, hanging around in Central Park with our nannies? The days you and B decided that we had to play house. How B and I were always the parents, Chuck was the uncle and you S… you were always the baby"

He reminisced and she closed her eyes, she could see herself so clear, the blonde pig tails bouncing on her back, her light pink Bonpoint dress flaring out whenever she spun around. Blair was always the dainty one, the one that hated to get dirty, as opposed to Serena who could be covered in mud by the end of day.

"Saying that I'm not ready to have a baby Natie?"

She asked as she snuggled her body closer to him wrapping her arm around his chest, Nate was the one person Serena seldom gave a thought to. They'd grown up together and everything was just natural. She valued his opinions but if they were negative they didn't mean much to her, there was only one person Serena really cared about having an opinion for and that was Dan.

"Nope, not what I was saying at all, what I mean is you're going to be the best mother out of you and B. Because you understand what it is to be a child, and my niece or hopefully nephew, is very lucky to have you."

By the time he'd finished his sentence Serena was sound asleep in his arms.

A new start
I've broken too many hearts
And I don't have any clue where to go
I don't know
But maybe I'll be back someday after my holiday

At first when he'd called her cell phone she'd ignored it, she still wasn't sure how to keep a secret from him. They'd told one another everything since they were six. How was eighteen the time to start suddenly keeping secrets from one another? But when the calls started coming in faster and the messages got more and more pleading and desperate she had no other choice to pick up and respond to him. That was the reason she was now walking around Central Park in ripped jeans and her Wicked sweatshirt, one of the very few things she'd ever done with her artist parents had been going to see the play. Nonetheless it was one of the warmest things she had on a cool November night. The lengths she went to for her best friend.

She spotted him right away in the moonlight, he was sitting on a bench by the lake. It was the bench she'd said many a time was his thinking spot. She stood there just watching his every move for a second, how deep in concentration he was at the water, the way his hands were curled into fists, nothing about Dan Humprey was ever not complex. Now adding a baby to the whole thing was just going to make it that much more confusing for him. A flash in her head let her see him, a satin white blanket in his arms as he looked down with the picture perfect smile on his face. The smile that lit his features whenever Serena walked into a room, she'd been so jealous of them to begin with. Until she learned what it was like to see a smile like that directed at her, who would have thought that hers would have come from Nate Archibald? Vanessa could see Dan being a father, and a good one at that. She just hoped that Serena saw it soon too, before he missed all the special moments.

"Dan?"

Her hand on his shoulder made him break his concentration and jump, not that he hadn't been expecting her, he was just wrapped up in his own mind he didn't know she was there.

"Last time I sat here Serena's past began to stalk me"

Not looking up at her he began to speak what was on his mind, since their kiss that afternoon Dan hadn't felt ok. Even in the simple kiss he'd poured his emotion into her. He wasn't even sure what he wanted her to say to it. Maybe that she couldn't pretend any longer and that she needed him just as bad as he needed her. But that wasn't the way things had happened, instead he was left feeling like the cheat. Part of him wanted to tell Amanda what he'd done, to explain to her that he couldn't play games anymore. When he'd gone to see her though, the way her pretty smile had lit up as soon as she saw his face he couldn't do it to her. She seemed so happy to be with him and he didn't even know why. He wasn't what she deserved. She was a good girl and his heart was already taken. After his conversation with Serena earlier in the morning however he knew that she didn't feel the same way anymore, that they weren't forever.

"Serena has a lot of secrets, I'm not gonna lie"

Nodding her head Vanessa agreed. Only she knew the biggest one. She also knew how important it was to Serena that she keep it secret.

"I'm tired of her games V, I can't do it anymore… I don't want to do it anymore."

His mind was completely torn and the way his jaw clenched made him feel even guiltier. He had memories of cheating on her, of letting Georgina go down on him, everything felt so open suddenly, like old wounds were bleeding.

"Maybe there's more than meets the eye with Serena. Maybe she has reasons to be the way she is Dan. Maybe she pushes you away to protect you rather then to hurt you more."

Dan was completely confused, Vanessa hated Serena and suddenly here she was defending her. That was just one of the many things that made no sense in his mind but he couldn't dwell on it. The only thing he knew he needed to dwell on was putting Serena in his past and working to get his heart back from her since she so obviously didn't want it anymore.

"No, she's a selfish bitch that only ever thinks about herself. Or else she wouldn't have dragged my heart into falling in love with her."
Anger and frustration were both taking over now, he had no control over the things he was saying or thinking. All he wanted was to be lying in bed at the loft with her so contently in his arms, his hands running through her silky blonde hair, her warm even breath on his neck as she slept. He would have given anything to be with her.

"Why do you have to start forever or whatever now Dan? Why can't you just humor her and go to college like she wants you to. She wants you to be happy and she doesn't trust herself enough to make you happy right now."

Defending Serena hadn't ever been something Vanessa liked or wanted to do but suddenly she felt like she needed to. Like maybe she actually deserved Dan to be there for her in a non-judging way.

"Forever? No, don't put Serena and I in the forever sentence. If she wanted us forever then she wouldn't have broken it off in the first place. I didn't come down here for you to defend her, you're my best friend, and you're supposed to be on my side V. Thanks a lot for the vote of confidence."

Dan stood up and threw his arms up accusingly; he was so off-track from their kiss, from looking at her in his sweats and tee shirt. Why couldn't he just have wrapped his arms around her and held her? Even if it had only been for a little while. She was all he wanted and she didn't want the same thing. He hated that.

"I don't feel like listening to any of this, I'll talk to you tomorrow"

Without another word he turned from her and headed out of the park leaving Vanessa still cold in the November air.

When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
And I don't think I'll ever change
I think I'm gonna stay the same