Author's Note: I am so beyond sorry that it's taken so long to get this to you. Hopfully next chapter won't take as long. Calie is the reason behind this, of course. because without her I wouldn't have a story. Lauren and Steph you two both know you've had a major impact in this also! now i'm pumped and ready to continue on chapter 9! enjoy!
ps: the beginning of this chapter I love! (I know it doesn't fully fit but it was needed)
His Abercrombie tee-shirt was tossed over the back of her chair like an old rag, discarded hours before and caught by the Ikea spinny chair from a fateful date with the floor. His crystal-clear sapphire eyes followed her every move as she stood up off of her bed. The vibrant, and torturous color of her red lacy bra and matching panties was a sexy and beautiful contrast against her mocha skin and the only thing he wanted to do was pull her back onto the bed and pin her under him so he could trail kisses from one item to the next. He knew she never would have allowed that, she would have loved it but she never would have allowed it. Vanessa just wasn't that type of girl. At least she wouldn't have admitted she was that type of girl, and after the hell he'd put her through with the Catherine fiasco she had every right to dictate their relationship for the time being.
She hadn't seemed to complain all that much when the UES crown prince snuck into the her Brooklyn apartment, past her sister Ruby and Ruby's girlfriend who were both sound asleep on the couch. Ruby who couldn't for the life of her figure out why Vanessa was with the "rich prick", least to say Ruby wasn't a big fan of Nathaniel Archibald.
Nate slipped past Ruby, orange rose in hand as he walked in to find Vanessa perched on the chair in front of her desk as she reviewed one of her many masterpieces on her computer. He had to stand and watch for a moment in amazement. Nate wasn't used to the natural beauty that came along with feistiness. The way she pushed the black rimmed glasses up on her nose as she leaned forward to assess the screen, how her hair was twisted back with a pencil. She looked so different and so studious with her glasses. By now he knew it was because she couldn't take her contacts for another hour, which was the only time she put her glasses on. Everything about her was "a la V". She was so different and he liked it.
He could still feel her skin under his lips as he remembered how she hadn't noticed his presence till he was already placing soft kisses to her collar bone which was fully exposed from her tank top. She was completely irresistible to him. The way she was demanding yet she melted to him so easily.
Even now as she strutted around in just her red lacy bra and matching red lacey boy shorts his eyes were attached to her. The way her red nailed hand fit the curve of her hip as she gave him a perplexed look trying to decide what her next move would be. Whether she should kick him out or teach him yet another lesson for ever standing her up or doubting her. Hell, they weren't even officially together. They just liked having the company of one another.
"You know, You gotta stop looking at me."
Vanessa interrupted his thoughts as she turned to walk to the chair and pick up his shirt. His eyes ran over her body, every curve, every shape, everything about her he took in. He knew she hated what he was doing, how he was checking her out. But he also knew that she would get him back for it. Just thinking about it he could feel her fingers running possessively down his chest, scratching and lingering on the feel of just being with him.
"Why? I like the view"
He smirked, sounding more like Chuck Bass than his normal sweet self, but in the bedroom that was the way he acted with her. He couldn't let her take all of the fun away from him. Nathaniel Archibald knew how to bring the heat and keep it going also. It was something that had surprised her, how he could sound like such an ass yet be so gentle with her.
Vanessa hadn't expected to lose her virginity to him right away, or even at all. She'd been so convinced in the beginning he wasn't anything more then a dumb jock. He'd roped her in and taken her by surprise, V had learned that there was so much more to Nate than what met the eyes on contact. He wasn't just a static person; he needed someone to be there and listen to him.
She didn't like his response as she picked up his tee-shirt and headed back to her bed. Without warning she hit him with it hard on the chest and he jumped, not expecting it. He'd been lying with his eyes closed since she started to move again. Yet neither one of them missed the smirk on his face as his eyes opened. There she was suddenly looming over him, her cleavage fully in his view as he ran his hand up her side till he'd forebodingly reached her chest gently brushing his hand across before dropping it back to her side.
"We're going to be late for class if you don't…"
Cut off by Nate reaching out for the rose he'd brought, her eyes followed his hand as he lightly dragged it down the center of Vanessa's chest slowly and menacingly. From there, she was completely lost in him as she dropped his shirt to the floor and pulled him roughly to herself and kissed him hard on the lips, giving access for another go at it all, and leaving them both to forget about school or plans with Serena.
"Did you read the short stories I sent you the other day? I love the imagery and language he used in describing everything. I have to say I think he's my favorite. If you close your eyes it leaves a clear picture of everything that's going on!"
Between bites of her bagel Amanda glanced up at Dan to see his reaction to what she was saying. For the past two weeks since he'd walked out of school on her he'd been distant and not connected, and she was really beginning to worry about his behavior. But every time he smiled at her then leaned over to kiss her cheek, all of her uneasiness seemed to go away and be replaced with the flutter of butterflies. Dan was her first real relationship and she was sure this was what the fall felt like.
"Yeah, but I have to disagree. Everything he wrote was so flowery and happy… life isn't always like that. You can't pretend everything is perfect when it's not even close."
He commented not really paying attention to what he was giving his opinion on as he watched the different town cars and limos pull to the front gates of the school to drop off their picky passengers, who God forbid walked a half-a-mile and got their precious boots wet! It had snowed during the night; a real legitimate snow fall. Every bit of the white power made him think of his first time, of being with Serena. How perfect it had been, how right it had felt.
"Serena! Hey, are you alright?"
Dan turned his head quickly as Amanda spoke, he hadn't spoken to Serena since she'd told him that shouldn't see one another anymore. Everyone had become aware of her and Jenns's break up and also that fact that she wasn't pregnant. Gossip Girl had given them plenty of sightings of her at Victrola, Butter, or the Palace Bar drinking martini's or so Gossip Girl thought. Serena had become a pro at disguising the things she did; an extra fifty could get her the things she needed when she wanted them without questions.
"Dan, she doesn't look ok… I'm gonna go after her, hold this for me?"
Amanda asked as she started to hand him her food and he shook his head putting his book down and hopping off of the step he'd been sitting on. If anyone was going after her it was him. If she was sick he felt compelled to take care of her.
Catching up with her as she headed into the girls hall and directly into the bathroom wasn't exactly easy, but by the time she'd dropped her bag and collapsed down onto her knees in front of the ceramic toilet he caught up with her just in time to pull the long strands of perfect blond hair out of her face and away from her mouth with one hand, as his other gently rubbed the nape of her neck like he could still remember his mother doing to him when he was a child.
"It's ok Serena, I've got you"
He soothed as she threw up, as even being with her when she was like this seemed to comfort him. Just being able to touch her made him feel like everything was ok again, even if it was just for a few moments. As she started to dry heave rather then anymore puking, he let go of her hair and stood up. Looking at her one last time he walked to the sink and wet a paper towel with cool water to put on her forehead, doing anything that would make her feel better for a little while.
She'd finished up and flushed the toilet by the time he came back. She'd known she wanted to walk to school rather than ride with Eric and Chuck since Nate and Vanessa had apparently forgotten about her. The motions of the limo felt as though they had nearly killed her. The two weeks till she was in her second trimester couldn't come soon enough, she was sick of being sick.
It hadn't even occurred to her who had been in the bathroom with her until his coffee eyes met hers and he didn't say anything. Instead he moved closer to her and placed the wet paper towel on her forehead and pulled her closer to him till her head was resting on his shoulder. She was still too weak and drained from being sick to protest. Serena just stood there letting him hold her and soothe her.
"I think you need to go home, if you're sick this is the last place you should be."
He whispered to her as he held her tightly to him, it felt so good to have her in his arms even if she didn't feel good. Just being able to be with her made him feel suddenly calm and at ease. She wasn't responding as she just nodded her head in agreement. That's when he thought of it, she'd mentioned back when they were together that Lily was going to be away for months after the wedding. He didn't know exactly how long but he knew that if Lily wasn't home he didn't want Serena being alone. It wasn't fun to be sick alone, and she didn't deserve it.
"Come on, I'll take care of you. I'm not letting you say no."
As soon as the protest started to cross her face he wasn't going to allow her to say another word. He ran his hands through her hair and spoke gently, his hand slipping back to the nape of her neck as he pulled her to lay her head on his shoulder. She was being civil and calm, and that gave Dan notice that she really was not feeling good.
It wasn't that she didn't want to protest and complain, it was the fact that she needed him. She needed him to hold her even if it were just for a few moments. She still couldn't believe the fact that the one thing she'd wanted throughout her pregnancy had happened. He'd been with her while she was sick. Even if he didn't know the circumstances behind it; he was in the dark about what was really going on.
"Dan, no. I'm fine"
Weak in her pleas for him to let go, he wasn't about to loosen his grip. They both needed the same things but weren't about to actually admit it to one another. All they could do was live in the moment and hold onto what they had.
The entire time on the way to the Humphrey loft she'd sworn to him that she was just fine and he could really leave her alone. She'd just go home to the palace to sleep for a while even though she felt like she was just fine. Morning sickness had a habit of coming and going whenever it pleased, not that he had any clue of that of course. By the time he'd dragged her inside of the familiar home she'd given up on all reasoning. He was trying to be a good friend and take care of her. Being a good friend to her was as close as she'd give him to being daddy for the time being. Serena didn't always think with her full brain, anyone that knew her knew it was fact.
Dan had ushered her into his room, he fluffed his pillows up and pulled down his slept-in sheets. The whole thing looked way too good to resist. She missed both his scent and the feel of him more than she ever thought possible.
"Crackers and ginger ale with no bubbles"
As he placed the tray down beside his bed he stepped back to observe the blonde in his bed. Even not feeling well she was easily the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Serena was the girl of his dreams and he wasn't denying that. it was just far too complicated for them to be together right now. They'd broken up for a reason, even if the reason was a bit hazy in both of their minds.
"I told you you didn't have to do this. I'm fine Dan."
As a yawn escaped her mouth she put her hand over her mouth. He looked at her with a knowing look as he shook his head and leaned over her pulling his quilt up around her. He wasn't letting her get away that easy.
"I'm not listening to you for once."
Shaking his head he couldn't tear his eyes away from her, of her just lying in his bed innocently while he got the chance to take care of her for just a while.
"I'm gonna um… I'll be back."
Dan hesitated not really wanting to leave her, all he really wanted to was climb in beside her and hold her till she fell asleep like they'd done in the past. He should have felt guilty but Amanda was the furthest from his mind. He stood station as he watched her roll onto her side and snuggle into his sheets and what he thought of was falling asleep.
He'd paced around the living room for twenty minuets as he thought she was falling asleep. The only thing he wanted to do when it really came down to it all was sneak into his room and lay down beside her. To put his arms around her and hold her close, just to have her in his arms for a moment. He couldn't restrain from checking on her any longer as he walked as quietly as he could on the creaky floorboards to his bedroom. He leaned on the door slightly so it opened a little. Seeing her perfect green eyes tightly shut as she lay on herself with her body wrapped around his pillow just as the morning after their first time as she'd laid twined with him.
Taking his eyes off of her hadn't been possible as he stood there watching her sleep. As he walked closer to the bed he couldn't stop his actions as he climbed into the bed beside her. Absent mindedly not caring if he woke her up he put his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, resting his head in her neck. Taking moments he breathed in her scent and memorized the feel of her chest rising and falling with every breath she took. It didn't even occur to him that her breathing wasn't as steady as someone that was sound asleep. It never crossed his mind until he felt her begin to shift and twist in his arms. Before he knew it her head was on his shoulder and their eyes were connected as everything in the world seemed to just stop and put it's self on hold.
"I thought you were sleeping"
He whispered as one of his hands wrapped around her back and the other tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Serena's perfect pink lips formed into a flawless smile at his touch. Her face had lines from pillow creases all over it as he ran his thumb over her cheek. Every touch was affectionate and made her want and crave more. Then a spark came to her mind and before she could hush herself she'd spoken.
"Dan, do you ever think about the future? You know like when you're a father."
When the word father left her mouth it took all the restraint she had for her not to call attention to her stomach. She and bug had become pretty close in Serena's mind. Their nightly conversations were the thing that got her through each and every night. The empty promises she made every night to her little bug were all full of her truths and her pain.
Locked with her eyes, his studied them, as his mind raced a million miles a second thinking about the real response to the question. It was a fully loaded question that in all honesty he thought about nightly. How much for it all he was really willing to admit all depended on how her reactions were to his beginning. Inhaling a long deep breath he took a moment to let his mind work at pondering the right way to answer her question, when he exhaled he opened his eyes to find her still contently looking at him.
"Tell me something first, do you want to hear the abbreviated version or the long one?"
He asked as she readjusted herself in his arms to link hands with him, if she had to play the friends game the least thing she could do was milk it for all that it was worth. Plus she needed to hold onto something in order for her hands not to wonder to her stomach as they liked to claim range over.
"Long, I like your stories. Plus it's not like I'm going anywhere for a while."
With a pure smile she watched him as he took another deep lingering breath as though he were afraid to admit something or scared that she wouldn't agree.
"Well, it goes like this. I was thinking of you know… forming a rock band with some guys at school. You know, grow my hair out and scream random obscenities into a mic while random women throw articles of clothing on stage to us. Then after our gig is over we take turns sleeping with them in the tour bus. By the end of the month I'll have ten kids with ten different women and I'll deny all contact so I won't have to pay child's support… and you know not a word of this is true. It's as far from the truth as you get. You know that though… I mean right?"
The expression on his face alone made her smile, the way he was delving into his rambles and talking as fast as he could till she took her free hand that wasn't laced with his and put her finger on his lips silencing him. His cheeks flushed his adorkable light pink as he came to terms with just how much he'd been rambling.
"That day Serena, when I told you I loved you for the first time outside school on the steps, and I thought you thought you were pregnant?"
There eyes remained connected, as if Serena were scared that if she should blink he would stop telling his story. She wanted to hear what he had to say and she hoped deep down in her heart he was going to say what she had dreamed he would say. She nodded encouragingly at him biting her lip as she listened.
"Since that day I haven't been able to stop thinking about having a family, about being a father. Before then I'd never really thought about it, my dreams for the future were focused on my writing, on helping my dad with the gallery, and creating a good name for myself as an author, but, on that day all of those dreams changed. Sure, I still do want all of that, but not like I want a family. Not like I want to be a father. I thought I had everything under control before you came into my life. Then you came in and turned it all up side down Serena. I thought you were just a pretty face. Boy was I wrong. You proved to be that you were beautiful, intelligent, sexy, Serena, you opened up my eyes to so much more then I had ever expected to see. Since that morning seeing Gossip Girl making her inference about you being pregnant I've had this clear little image of this beautiful little girl with blonde hair and dark eyes. I can see you putting a bow in her hair before we go to my dad's for Easter dinner. She's all happy and proud of herself for finding all of the eggs that the 'Easter Bunny' hid. Or when she rushes down the stairs Christmas morning and a huge smile, just like yours, spreads cross her face when she finds the puppy with the red ribbon in the box. The Halloween that she's dressed up like one of the Disney Princesses, only she's so angelic and perfect just like her mother that Disney princesses don't even cut it. The first time she can ride her Barbie jeep by herself and she wants to stay out all day long. So you and I make a picnic lunch and sit on a blanket watching her play all day. I'm on edge the whole time because I can see her trying to drive down the road in it. Because of course she gets her daring side from her mother."
He was finding it hard to admit things that had stayed for so long in his head. Saying it all showed his weakness for her. It showed that she had a hold over him. One that was tighter then anything he'd ever experienced in his life. He could have and would have planned his life with her with great want and need. Every emotion reflected on his face as he gave her hand a gentle squeeze before continuing.
"Then, there's this little boy with dark hair and light eyes. He's smart, yet outgoing and loud at the same time. I can see him taking his first steps from me to you because he wants his mommy. I can see his first birthday party when he's covered in cake from head to toe. The days he comes in from playing outside in the rain he's covered in mud and he runs across the clean kitchen floor or even onto the carpet and you and I can't get mad at him. So we just look at him and laugh as he looked up with your childish smile. The nights that he scrambles to bed in between us because he had a nightmare and we pull him close and fall asleep together and teaching him how to play soccer in Central Park, then sitting back as I watch the two of you passing the ball to one another and laughing. After he starts school I can see me sitting there and teaching him his letters and how to write his name."
Every word he was saying was hitting her hard and she needed to stop looking at him so that she didn't just suddenly burst out and tell him that his dreams were partly coming true. She shut her eyes as she listened to his voice lull her into calm. It'd been weeks since she'd actually felt herself completely relax and let go of all animosities and emotions that had been blocking her from feeling.
"Since that day my favorite image in my head is walking around a park with you holding your hand as we push our child in a carriage. Then when the baby starts to cry you stop walking just to take out the bottle and sooth the baby. Just the sound of your voice calms her down as you walk to her and calm her down. I want the nights where we sit up in bed as you feed the baby and hum her lullabies. The proud happy look on your face as you just look down at her. I always imagine being with you when you're pregnant and the baby kicks. Just feeling that and taking in all of the moments of it. The way we both know that it's so right and that there's nothing in the world that could be any better then the feeling. Because the baby is ours and we're the ones responsible for its little heart beating in its chest. That's why that day, I was disappointed, not because Gossip Girl announcing it meant that you didn't trust me enough to tell me but because I wanted to be there when you take the test. To hold your shaky hand and you look at the results, and to assure you that it's the right thing. But because in the mornings when you're sick, I want to be the one you come to before your sick so I can hold your hair back and take care of you. I want all of that Serena. I want it all someday."
Looking down at her now, he noticed that her eyes were now completely closed and her breathing had in fact evened out. She was comfortable and asleep in his arms. Yet he noticed one thing, her face was glistening with shinny tears that had slipped from the corners of her eyes and down her face. He tightened his grip around her, unlacing their hands as he brushed a stray tear from her sleeping face and pressed his lips into her forehead wrapping his arm then around her and holding her to his chest.
"It's all because I love you Serena, I love you and only you."
He whispered to her sleeping figure as then his own tears started to quietly slip down his face and dampen her hair. Not bothering to wipe his own tears he slipped into a deep sleep holding the love of his life in his arms. He wanted to hold onto the moments he had with her best he could because when he woke up they'd be no longer. He'd have to go back to being the good doting boyfriend, concerned to Amanda's needs over Serena's. it wasn't something he very much enjoyed. Settling himself with her contently he too was able to slip into dream land.
Serena's eyes blinked open with a start after her dream had broken. Dreaming of Dan with Amanda as his wife and their two kids was both heartbreaking and terrifying. It also proved to her that it was just one more thing that she couldn't let happen. As she started to calm down again she finally realized where she was and remembered what had occurred before she'd trudged into the realm of sleep. How he'd talked about having a future with her, about their future child. She wanted to wake up to him holding onto her like there was no tomorrow. Instead she had Cedric hugged to her chest as tightly as she could squeeze him, her legs were wrapped around his pillow and his blanket was pulled up to her neck. Thinking he'd be there when she rolled over she did so only for her eyes to come to the empty spot in the bed beside her. She could still fell his arms around her, his warm breath on her neck as they both slept in peace. She loved that moment, she loved the things that he's said, and she loved him. Upset with the fact that he wasn't still with her she rolled over into his side, his section of the bed was still warm like he'd just recently left it. Burying her head between his sheets and pillow she breathed in his scent so it filled her lungs. It was so familiar and so at home she loved it. Lifting her head off of his pillow and out from under his covers she turned her head in attempt to look out the window, but, rather then looking out at the busy view she spotted a note with her name scrawled across it in his messy handwriting, accompanied by a plate and a sandwich. The sandwich had no crusts just the way he knew she liked, he remembered everything.
Reaching out a non manicured hand out her fingertips lightly grazed his hand writing. It was like she'd memorized every loop and curl he made with the pen. That was all due to how many times over she'd read 10-08-05. She could practically see all of the words of the story in her head with how many times she'd read and memorized it. Bug could probably even recall most of the words of it. Delicately, like it was something about to break, she picked up the note and held it to her face before opening it to read it.
Well, I guess you're awake now sleeping beauty,
Because to be reading this you have to be awake, not that that's not already a given. I just have to say that I hated getting up and leaving you. You looked so peaceful and comfortable while you slept. I could have stayed there forever, just feeling the rise and fall of your chest as you slept. I've always loved that Serena. Maybe it's because for a little while I can say whatever I want without you adding anything into it. No, you know how I feel about you butting in when I talk. I'm pretty sure I made that quite clear to you. I hope everything I said before you feel asleep was just as clear as it. Because I meant every word of what I said, and I always will. I made you a peanut butter sandwich, no jelly or fluff, and of course no crust. When ever I make you food I feel like I'm putting something together for a child. There's a strawberry milkshake in the fridge, though I'm not sure how good it'll be when you finally decide to wake up but if it's soon then it should be fine. Stay here as long as you want. Hopefully you'll still be laying here when I get home?
Love,
Dan
His note made her smile almost as much as how he'd ended it all with the word love, love was something she was feeling plenty of as she laid in the Humphrey loft, in his bed, in his sheets, all alone. The loft was a place where she belonged. Staying still for a few moments she listened for a source of hearing anyone. She couldn't risk her next move being caught by anyone of Humphrey blood. They'd knew without doubt soon as they looked at her. Knowing that she was all alone she took her L.A.M.B sweatshirt off over her head then started to unbutton her school button up leaving her in just the white tank top. Removing the heavy articles of clothing felt so much better yet as the light late November breeze blew in from the partly ajar window she shivered. Pushing the covers back from her and stretching her legs over the side of the bed she yawned. Serena was always tired thesedays.
She knew exactly what she was doing and exactly what was on her mind as she made her way across his floor to the other side of the room. She'd seen it from the bed and she'd known exactly what it was. Bending down she picked the soft fabric of the sweater up and held it under her nose. The argyle sweater had been her comfort back when they were together. The nights that she couldn't sleep beside him she'd wrapped her self in it and breathed in his scent. Today was going to be no different as she picked up the sweater and slipped into it. The sleeves were too big, they hung on her hands enough for her to ball her hands into fists and still be covered with fabric. His scent was all over it and she was comfortable. She was right about to turn around, head back to lay down till he came back to be beside he when her eyes caught her own reflection on the mirror behind the door.
Her light hair hung loose down her shoulders, her eyes looked brighter and more refreshed then they'd looked in weeks. Her face had an almost smile on it and it was all thanks to him, and just how much she loved him and he cared. Everything from their conversation still felt completely surreal even as it made her feel comfortable. Her eyes continued to survey the mirror as she looked at herself. Her chest looked huge in the tank top, one of the many reasons she put on sweatshirts now before school. The last thing she felt like dealing with were the guys that would have looked and stared, she got enough of that from Chuck when she was at home. Surveying further down her self her eyes were locked on her stomach, the slightly raised bump that had knocked her clothing sizes up already. The bump that just a day previous had made her feel guilty and alone, after her talk with Dan made her feel bright and full of hope and love. That's exactly what the baby was, the product of their love for one another, his words had proved it. As her eyes watched the mirror her sweatshirt covered hands pulled up the bottom of her tank top exposing convex shape her stomach had now come to. The sight and thought of what was held inside of the bump made her smile bigger to herself. Her sweater covered hands slid them self criss cross on her stomach as her mind wondered to the day when she'd been laying sweat covered in a hospital bed as their baby was placed into Dan's arms for the very first time. It was an image that stood for so much more to her, it was signifying the beginning of forever.
"Looks like my little bug's getting bigger, or is that just your head swelling from all of Daddy's promises? Your aunt Blair is going to call mommy fat because of you. We already skipped out on her soirée because you make me too tired in a day."
The view of the mirror shown Serena as a model of perfection, her head was bowed slightly, enough so she could look down at the small bump and her hands were rested over it protectively. Everything about being a mother had started kicking in with every word Dan said. In that moment she realized just how much such a little thing could mean to her. How everything she felt could and would come from her heart.
"Mommy promises you right now Bug, soon as you're old enough to start asking for a puppy I'm going to remind daddy what he said about getting you a puppy. Not that I think he'll have any problem with it. It'll be anything to see that perfect little smile on your face, because, that is the most important thing in the world."
Turning from the mirror she never once faltered to take her hands from her stomach as she made her graceful strides back to Dan's bed. Fixing the pillows she slid back into the bed where she'd slept all morning, shirt still tucked up above her baby bump. With light fingers she traced hearts on her stomach as she spoke. For Serena it was nice to feel like she wasn't ever alone, but even nicer to know that there was in fact a part of Dan with her every step she took every day.
"Bet you liked listening to daddy's voice today Bug, didn't you? Listening to him talk about your future. Like I told you before daddy doesn't know his little bug exists yet and like I've said a million times that is all mommy's fault. That's all gonna change today baby bug, because mommy knows that you baby need daddy, and now daddy needs his baby too. What do you say baby? Ready to hear daddy's voice on a daily basis? Mommy knows she's ready to listen to him talk to you."
Every baby book and magazine encouraged talking to the baby, it was said to stimulate the brain and also bring child and parent closer. It would just further prove the fact that Serena was sure bug would be daddy's baby. Taking her right hand off of her stomach she reached for the sandwich that Dan had made. Even before she took a bite she knew it was just the way she wanted it. He always made it perfect.
"Now after I eat this I'm so going to need that milkshake daddy made. Daddy makes the best milkshakes, and that's not even near as good as his spaghetti. You and I are gonna eat just fine when daddy cooks sweetheart. Speaking of daddy, I can't wait to see the look on your daddy's face when I inform him of your coming. He'll be so surprised to know that you were the thing making mommy sick to her stomach this morning! Goodness bug, everything is just falling into place and don't worry your mommy's going to make sure it all goes right"
After taking a few bites of the sandwich she placed it back down on the plate next to the bed and laid back down closing her eyes as her hands glued themselves to her abdomen. She rubbed up and down slowly as she let herself fall into her day dreams.
"Mommy and daddy are going to be here all the time my sweet little bug. You, mommy, and daddy against the world, I promise that baby"
There standing in the doorway her eyes were bugging out of her head as she listened to the blonde in her brother's bed. Her mouth was agape, she'd come home from school because she didn't feel like being there for free period, not because she was sick. Could she have suddenly developed a high fever and be hallucinating? Because if she wasn't then Serena Van der Woodsen was laying in her brother's bed and talking to her stomach referring to herself as Mommy! She put her hand to her head and leaned back against the doorframe, nope, she wasn't warm. She didn't have a fever. She pinched her wrist, nope, she wasn't dreaming. When she went to stand up straight the floor creaked and the door it the wall causing Serena to jump from the calm state she'd been in previous. When their eyes locked Jenny saw the panic and hesitation that spread quickly on Serena's face as she scrambled to pulled Dan's comforter over her body. As though she hadn't already been ratted out in the grand scheme of things, she hadn't wanted anyone else to know before Dan did, she'd told enough people.
"Oh my god Jenny"
Serena's voice was low and fragile, her secret wasn't one that she'd wanted exposed and now one of the many people she hadn't wanted to know before Dan knew. She knew just by the look on Jenny's face that it was out. She was one more person to know about the baby before Dan did.
"Why are you in my brother's bed?"
Since their second breakup Jenny and Serena hadn't seen eye to eye. Jenny, like Dan and Serena couldn't put a finger on why they'd broken up exactly in the first place. Jenny was the one that had to listen to Dan's bitching every day, she was the one that was stuck with listening to Amanda's whinny impossible voice that killed her ear drums. She couldn't even address the reasons that she didn't like Amanda.
"I was um, I was sick. Dan brought me here, here to sleep for a while."
With Jenny's eyes burning into her like she was on trial Serena waned to shrink and disappear into a hole where she wouldn't have to face all of the mistakes she'd made. Like the mistake of not telling Dan he was going to be a father yet.
"I don't care whether he knows or not, my question was why are you in his bed? Haven't you caused him enough pain? Or are you back for your third round of seeing what type of hell you can cause in his life. It's not fair to him Serena, especially with your new development."
Jenny voiced out and every word she said made Serena not want to be there more, that or have everything different. She also knew that if she kept the truth from him any longer that it would destroy him even more.
"How could you sleep with Jenns let alone get pregnant. I thought you loved my brother, now it's pretty damn clear he was just another peg in your game. I can't believe I ever looked up to you let alone thought you were good for him. You're just as bad as the rest of them."
Serena shut her eyes as she lay back against the pillowed at a loss for words. That's what she'd been afraid of, That once everyone knew the first person they would think of to be Jenns. Jenns had barely gotten a French kiss let alone close enough to be bug's father. Serena silently laughed to herself as her emerald eyes flicked up to the ceiling and her hands crossed over bug again.
"That's not even close to it Jenny."
Mumbling so that she wasn't sure if Jenny could hear her she couldn't have cared much. Her mind was to set on how she was going to act to Dan the next time she saw him, what she was going to say and how she was going to let the truth come out. Part of her just wanted to take his hand and put it on her stomach, let him realize for himself that there was another life inside of her.
"What is it then Serena? Do you love him the way you said you loved my brother?"
Sitting up in his bed against the propped up pillows she rested her hand over her stomach and nearly smile over the words that were next to come out of her mouth. Because every letter in them was true; she meant it all with everything in her.
"I'll never love anyone as much as I love your brother Jenny."
She started out and was quite thankful when Jenny stayed quiet other then the scoff she'd let out. Jenny could believe whatever she wanted Serena didn't care, as long as Dan knew the truth she didn't care who else did.
"You sure have a funny way of showing it"
Jenny glared at her as she interrupted Serena's train of thought.
"Well then, I see where having his baby counts on your level of loving him."
Jenny's face softened suddenly, it went straight to sudden shock as she looked for Serena's face to her stomach right away. She was going to be an auntie! She was going to be a part of a UESers life permanently
"Wait, his baby? As in my brother's baby?"
Her expression turned softer as Serena motioned her to come closer to the bed. An hour later she'd explained everything and she'd made Jenny promise not to tell Dan. Though Jenny had only agreed because Serena had told her she was planning on telling him soon as he got home. Serena had agreed and nodded her head ending their conversation with a hug as Jenny retreated back to her room happy and elated about being an aunt.
Hearing the door shut the butterflies in Serena's chest started to flutter. This was it, this was the last time she had to keep their baby as her secret. She slipped her hand over her stomach one last time as she got off of the bed and stood up, dropping her hands to her sides.
"Here we go Bug, the first day of the rest of our lives."
She whispered to herself as she headed for his door, her hand on the door knob as she pulled it open slowly and stepped through, her hands shaking. Turning her head at a sudden creek she looked up to see Jenny's encouraging smile waving her on as she took a few steps further. She nodded to herself pulling all of her strength up as she took a few more steps before her eyes feel upon an image she wasn't remotely prepared for. The love of her life was lying underneath Amanda as she kissed him with no end in sight. It was right then that Serena's heart broke into a million pieces and she knew what she could and couldn't do.
Salty tears were dripping down her cheeks as she perched herself on the fire escape and close to the window of the loft. The November wind froze with every gust that swept around her yet she couldn't feel it. Even in the tank top and Dan's light argyle sweater she couldn't have cared less how bad the weather was. She should have been considering the baby that was depending on her to not get sick, but, the image of him laying with Amanda on top of him had broken the last thread of her dignity. She'd been so close to telling him everything and being the family that she wanted, the family that their baby deserved.
Leaning her head against his window she let herself cry into the glass, shaking with every sob that came from deep in her chest. She wasn't going to have his arms around her to comfort her, to tell her that everything was going to be alright. He'd moved on with Amanda, he was clearly happy without her and she was going to respect that. she wasn't going to force a baby on him that he didn't want. He needed to have the life that he deserved, not one that had anything to do with changing diapers and being up at all hours of the night.
"Hey bug, you have to be completely confused as to what mommy's doing right now baby. Mommy doesn't even know right now. All I do know is that what I told you earlier about Daddy being around and Daddy being here every step of the way… well baby that was a lie and I'm so sorry. Daddy needs to have his freedom, he needs to have a real life. As I told you before sweetheart, you and mommy are going to be just fine without him. We can handle it together I promise."
Her head picked up a little when she saw the light in his room flick on and instantly she shifted out of view of the window. She didn't want to be seen, she couldn't afford to be seen. This was her secret and her secret only.
It'd taken far too long for his liking to get Amanda off of him, he'd had every intention of letting her down easy after laying in bed with Serena. All he wanted was to be like that with her, to have the relationship they'd always had, back. Just holding her had proved that it was all possible, that their love could really over come everything. Of course he didn't count on Serena to still be asleep but he hoped she was at least laying in his bed. He wanted a chance to tell her that he couldn't be without her any longer, that he loved her. He'd work harder to get past the 'upstairs downstairs' issue. Anything to just make everything all better, to make the past go away and make the future of forever in sight again, he'd meant every word he'd said about forever.
As he got closer to the door of his room he could see his sheets a mess and tangled. That's where she'd been laying it hadn't been a dream. But as his footsteps go closer to his messy room she wasn't there anymore, his bed was empty and a cool breeze was blowing in the crack in the window. Dan let out a light swear at the sight of his empty bed. All he'd wanted was for her to be laying there peacefully and feeling better. With the fact that she wasn't there he hung his head and closed his eyes as he made his way to sit down on his bed.
A gold chain caught his eye, it was tangled in her sweater that she'd left in a heap. Reaching out to pick it up his finger ran over the smooth material. A plated gold necklace with the word 'Bug' inscribed into the front. Strange choice of words but then again with Serena nothing surprised him. Turning it over in his hand there was another inscription, August 17th 2008. The date rang a bell and Dan couldn't put his finger on why exactly. Maybe if he'd thought a little bit harder he'd realize that it'd been the day they'd gotten a little out of control in the bathroom of a jitney.