Author's Note: I'm pretty sure Calie wrote most of this part so i'm taking no credit for it. It was wrtten a while ago so i'm not really sure. enjoy! sorry it's been so long.
Her hands were shaking more so then they ever had before as she was lead over to the recliner she'd sat in plenty of times in the past seven weeks. The whole transition from touching Sariah little hand to actually cradling her innocent little bundle in her arms made her both eager and terrified to do so. Lily had offered to come with her, but she'd denied. She loved her mother but it just didn't feel right. Blair had suggested and yet again Serena had said no. the only person she wanted to be there was the figure she could make out on the other side of the glass window. She knew he was there and he would be there waiting and watching the whole time through.
Everyday he came and watched in the window, everyday for hours. All of the worry and pain were written on his face and she knew he cared. She just had trouble trusting him, and breaking him at the same time. He had so much more in front of him then what she could offer him, he deserved so much more then her. He'd made it pretty clear to her that she wasn't right when he'd hurt her so badly on his first 'date' with Amanda. They couldn't communicate with one another properly, now he'd sealed the deal with Amanda more then a month ago how was she supposed to react to that? Was she not supposed to protect her daughter from being hurt by him.
Serena shook her head clear of the thoughts and tried to block the fact that part of her wanted him in there with her out of her mind. The only thing that was important currently was the bundle Marilyn was getting ready to bring to her. She couldn't focus on the shadow in the window any longer, he just couldn't be on her top priority right now.
"Well mommy, I think there's someone who would like to meet you. For more reasons then one. Don't let her sweet little face fool you. She has something up her sleeve. This little one always does, she's been the noise maker down here since we took her off the vent."
Marilyn was coming closer now, the pink tiny ball in her arms. Serena's eyes were locked on the soft fabric that enclosed the most precious gift Dan had ever given her. She couldn't tear herself away from the sight as Marilyn slipped the bundle into her arms. She could only blink in shock and amazement. Seven months of confusion, hurt, tears, and on top of it all love had created the little being that was now in her arms. Her two pound body was lighter then a pumpkin that Lily picked up every Halloween. Serena hadn't thought it even possible for anything inside of her to function being so small in the beginning but now that she held the tiny baby in her arms she saw just what had gone into it. How even without being big enough to talk she had Dan's stubbornness that stubbornness had guided her to not give up and to keep fighting for her life. She had Serena's own determination, the determination to stay alive everyday. She was a fighter to say the least.
The new mother's eyes memorized every inch of the baby in her arms, she already had a defined Humphrey nose. It's adorkable crookedness that she loved on Dan was now possessed by their daughter. His high cheekbones were also evident and clear, that was one of the only good things Blair had ever pulled out of Dan. The thought made Serena silently laugh to herself. Sariah's eyes were the shape of her own, the almond shape that saw depths without trying. Her tiny mouth was also Dan's, her full bottom lip that would curl into the perfect pout whenever she wanted her way.
Serena could tell already that there wasn't a second that she would ever not be wrapped around the little girl's tiny fingers. She'd loved the idea of the child when she'd laid in his arms up on the roof what seemed like a life time ago. Now that said baby was real and in her arms there wasn't anything she'd have changed about it, except maybe that she'd waited the full nine months, and that he was there taking in the moment with her.
"You're perfect"
Her first comment to her daughter as she tried to unscramble all the words she wanted to say. Dan was the one that was good with words, not her. She could only imagine some of the things he'd be saying to their child.
Making the mistake of looking up her eyes locked and got lost in his as she unbuttoned her polo and un clipped her bra from the front, all with their child nestled in the crook of her arm snuggly. Marilyn had given her instructions but she was still unsure of herself and she pulled her strength from his gaze at her face. His eyes tried to falter and he tried to turn away when she was exposed but her sudden glare into him told him he'd better not move. As always even without words their communication was there as he stayed in place innocently watching.
Looking down at their daughter and then up at him a few times she told him with her own eyes to look down at their creation as well. Which after a few moments of being consumed by her beauty he did so only to get lost in the awe struck image of their child's head turned in to her mother and Serena's bowed head gazing down in an awestruck manner.
She adjusted herself slightly, and placed her right hand on the back of the infant's tiny head, guiding her mouth to her nipple. Serena had heard it all; she'd been warned of the difficulty mothers usually endure on the first feeding of their child. Apparently it wasn't easy, and often it took much effort to make the child begin feeding.
Though that was not the case with Serena. Whether it was the instruction from Marilyn, the inherent motherly instincts of Serena, the intelligence of her baby, or the encouragement and presence, albeit distant, of that baby's father, Sariah's ease in locating her mother's nipple and sourcing milk from it was magical. And that caused the two tears now sliding down her flushed cheeks to reach smiling lips.
It felt like years since Serena had smiled, but right now, but for the window separating her and the love of her life and the fact that after the feeding Sariah would no doubt be subject to tubes and machinery, Serena was living the ideal she had dreamed of for months. As she felt her breast being wetted by the warm saliva and tugged at by the toothless gums of her own child; the warm fuzzy feeling inside her took over the moment. That feeling then increased tenfold as she once again raised her head to look through the glass and see the motionless figure standing there.
He didn't care if she could see the tears that were now streaming down his defined cheekbones. His stomach turned in excitement and passion as he watched her feed their baby girl. The way her dainty fingers rested on the child's head, her teeth bit over on her plump lower lip, her chest rose and fell, and a few bits of hair fell loose from the knot she'd tied her hair in at the back. It was the image he'd dreamed of since the renowned 10-08-05; a dream that became more vivid the night of the Kiss On The Lips party, and then felt like reality from the day he walked in to find her laying in the tight-fitting tank top sonogram by her side.
Watching his Serena take part in without a doubt the most womanly act she could carry out after birth itself, sent shivers down his spine; shivers of the sort that he had never ever felt before. But the shivers made him angry, angry that he was on the wrong side of the glass. After a while, after savoring the picture in his mind forever, he could no longer bare to watch. He had a choice; through the wooden door or out through the sliding ones.
She couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but assumed he was. She felt horrible for keeping him out there and not letting him get a closer view of this activity that was causing her so much joy and pain at the same time. When she felt drained and little Sariah pulled away, she looked up at Marilyn to ask for approval for her next acts. Receiving just a warm smile and simple nod, Serena passed her baby to the kind woman in order to unclasp the other side of her bra, without even bothering to reconnect the left side. Not until her Bug was once again suckling and sending waves of bliss through her body, did Serena look back up for Dan's gaze.
The sight of the empty hall, with just a nurse walking by with a trolley, caused her heart to beat faster and the tears to multiply. He had left? Left her just as he had left her at the Bass's brunch, just as he'd left her in the gown at Blair's penthouse, and just as he'd left her at her mother's wedding.
The next few minutes were a wave of emotion which she couldn't even recall an hour later. Her crying became so vocal and powerful her body was shaking, stirring Sariah from her feeding. Marilyn put her hand on her trembling shoulder in an effort to calm her, but it was no use. It was not long before Sariah was too screaming and unable to focus on the task at hand. Mother and daughter were unceremoniously separated by a stranger nurse, as Marilyn concentrated on bringing the mess of a young woman back to reality, a difficult task to say the least. Her limbs flailing and her voice wailing, Serena longed for not Marilyn's but Dan's arms to put her to rest. With him there, she could have continued to feed their baby, with him there she would not be an emotional wreck.
His state, while not as extreme, was doubtless along the same lines, as he stormed out of the hospital entrance, bowing his head and lacing his quivering clammy hand on the said of his head to try and mask his own tears. Dan had been called a lot of things in his life; but weak wasn't usually one of them. He cursed as he waited impatiently for a taxi to come and take him back to the loft where he would continue to bawl at the image instilled in his mind.