Disclaimer – See previous chapters.
*Sorry for the delay in posting this! I've had it written for a while, but due to internet problems, I haven't been able to get it up until now. Also, thank you to everyone that's been reviewing! Much love!
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"Oh god, Noah, I can't do this. I-I can't, can't see them." Luke was bordering on hysterical as he paced in his room. "Please, Noah, let's go. Please?"
"No, Luke." Noah said softly, hating himself but knowing he couldn't let Luke back out of this. "They're your family – you need them just as much as you need them."
Noah's words didn't have the soothing affect on Luke that he had intended. "Need me?" Luke gasped out, his voice trembling. "Why would they need the man who killed Ethan?"
Noah looked at Luke for a long moment, making sure he was calm before approaching him. He walked towards Luke, using his physical presence to push Luke back until he was flush against the nearest wall.
"Luke, listen to me." Noah growled. He had tried to be patient, to be understanding and caring. But he knew his lover like no one else, and he knew that right now, Luke needed this aggression. "None of this is your fault. None. Of. It. You understand me? Kevin – that bastard, he's the only one in charge of his actions. You did nothing wrong." Seeing Luke's eyes glisten, Noah forced himself to continue. "No one blames you for this Luke; it could have been Emma with Ethan in Kevin's truck, or your mom – hell, it could've been me. So don't you dare think that you killed Ethan. Blame Kevin, blame whoever caused your car to break down, but do not blame yourself."
Luke continued to look up at him with those big, brown eyes so full of doubt, and Noah found that he couldn't control himself. Leaning forward, he captured those perfect lips in a hard, demanding kiss; forcing Luke to forget himself.
Long moments later, Noah ripped his lips off of Luke, panting hard and unable to tear his eyes away from his boyfriend. "Now listen, Luke." Noah demanded, seeing the doubt that had already entered Luke's eyes yet again. "I didn't stop because I don't want you anymore, or because I don't think that you're so goddamn beautiful that it makes my heart hurt. " Here, Noah thrust against Luke's hip, making sure that he noticed Noah's swelling erection. "I stopped because if I didn't, I would end up taking you on the floor, right now."
"Noah," Luke whispered, his voice barely audible. "Thank-" Luke was cut off as Noah placed a finger over Luke's lips.
"You don't need to thank me, Luke." Noah stated. "I love you, and I'm here for you – always." He reminded Luke, feeling a sense of awe of how the once impossible words seemed to just roll off of his tongue.
"Now," Noah continued, stepping away from Luke but grabbing his hand. "We need to head down to the kitchen. They love you Luke – this isn't your fault." Hearing Luke's low gulp, but ignoring it, Noah tugged on his hand to lead him downstairs, towards the kitchen.
Luke and Noah had barely sat down in their chairs at the kitchen table before they heard a vehicle pull up to the farm house. Noah, who was still holding Luke's hand, felt his boyfriend's entire body stiffen. Bringing Luke's hand up to his mouth, he kissed it once, twice, before lowering their still joined hands and standing up.
When Holden and Lily walked into the kitchen, followed shortly by Lucinda, Faith and Natalie, Noah knew that they all knew what had happened. Their eyes were red-rimmed, the mood was sober, and Natalie had a lost expression on her face that made Noah want to hug her.
Turning his attention from Luke's family to Luke himself, Noah felt something within him shatter when he saw Luke's face. Luke was looking straight ahead, his eyes wide but not seeing, and he was twitching his leg as if he wanted to run for it; run far away, and never come back.
Noah saw Luke focus his vision just in time to see his parents walking over to him, before he ducked his head. Is he scared?
Lily practically ran the last few steps towards Luke before throwing her arms around him in a way that only a mother could. Noah felt his throat tighten due to the intimacy of the moment, before he shook off his sentimentality. After all, this was about Luke and his family, not about him missing his lack of a mother.
Noah watched, feeling slightly embarrassed for doing so, as Luke buried his face in his mother's hair as if he was six years old. He continued to observe as Holden came up behind Lily, and wrapped both her and Luke in a massive hug; holding his family.
Faith and Natalie sprinted over to their parents sides, causing the hug to abruptly be broken. Before Noah could process what was happening, the entire family was hugging, crying and mourning in front of him.
Quietly, Noah headed for the stairs, not wanting to interrupt on the private family moment. Hearing Holden call his name out, Noah slowly turned around to see light blue eyes staring back at him.
"Noah… you're family. I know you're hurting just as much as all of us are over-" Holden cut off his sentence, his Adam's apple bobbing furiously as he struggled to maintain his emotions. "You deserve to be here; don't run off, Noah."
Before Noah could process what was happening, Holden had enfolded him in a strong hug. Noah stiffened, unsure of what do before he just let instinct take over. As if he were just a young child, he relaxed into Holden's embrace. Is this what it's like to have a father?
Noah knew that it was wrong to be taking comfort from Holden, from a man that had just lost his youngest son, but he couldn't help himself. Even though he hadn't allowed himself to admit it, he was hurting over Ethan's death, too. He had loved Ethan as if he was his own brother, and knowing he was gone hurt. But he hadn't allowed himself to feel that pain, that loss, that grief; not until he knew that Luke was going to be okay.
He felt his shoulders shaking, and found that for once, he couldn't do anything to stop it. He wasn't sure if the trembling he felt in his hands was caused from himself, or from Holden.
Suddenly, the similarities between Holden and Noah were overwhelming. They were both hurting, yet they both refused to show it in order to help those they loved. They were both grieving, but knew that they couldn't afford to lean on anyone else. Maybe we could lean on each other?
When Noah felt another solid pair of arms wrap around both him and Holden, he turned his head and kissed Luke's hair. Feeling Luke's shaking, Noah stepped away from Holden and tilted Luke's head up to see a lone tear falling down his cheek.
Cupping Luke's face in his hands and not caring about their audience, Noah kissed the tear away before using his thumb to wipe at another tear that was budding under Luke's eye. Finally meeting Luke's eyes, Noah noticed that although the grief and fear was still present there, Luke seemed the tiniest bit fuller, a little more whole; his family had given him something that Noah never could.
Unable to bring himself to feel bitter over his realization, Noah kissed Luke on the cheek before noticing that Faith was alone, huddled in the corner of the room. Remembering what Luke had told him about her eating disorder, and her tendency to internalize sadness, Noah couldn't help but see a reflection of himself at thirteen years old, hiding in his bedroom after a harsh reprimand from the Colonel.
Nudging Luke, Noah jerked his head once in Faith's direction. Noah watched as a sense of purpose seemed to be absorbed into Luke, and he looked more focused than he had in days. Luke squeezed Noah's hand before he dropped it and headed over towards Faith.
Luke squatted down, placing his hands on Faith's shoulders before murmuring something to her. Faith raised her head, and Noah could see the obvious pain etched on her face, even from across the room. He only saw a brief glimpse of that pain however, because Faith quickly buried her face in Luke's shoulder as her arms wrapped around her older brother.
Feeling as if he was spying on a private moment, Noah left the kitchen. He knew that the Snyder's loved him, and wanted him there, but he felt his old insecurities welling up within him. My father nearly killed one of their sons; why would they want me here while they're mourning the death of another?
As soon as Noah snuck out of the kitchen, he found himself sprinting towards the Snyder pond. Now that he knew Luke was safe, and taken care of, Noah found that he was beginning to grieve as well. Memories of Ethan floated up within him; the first time he had seen Ethan, watching Barney with him – had it only been three days? – and hearing Ethan call him 'No-wah.'
He barely made it to the pond before he sank to the ground, harsh sobs overwhelming him. He knew that he shouldn't cry, that he didn't have the right to cry, but tears still cascaded out of him. Noah pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his head on top of his knees as he wept.
Noah didn't know how long he was out alone by the pond, but he knew that he had been gone long enough that his absence would be noticed. He also found that he didn't give a damn. As if someone had been listening in on his thoughts, Noah heard soft footsteps in the grass heading in his direction.
Noah knew immediately that it wasn't Luke – his boyfriend wouldn't have bothered walking to him, but would have sprinted instead. When the person sat down beside him, Noah looked up and found himself looking into the face of the very prim, very proper, and very grieving Lucinda Walsh.
Embarrassed at being caught crying, Noah scrubbed at his face with his hand, hoping desperately to erase the signs of his crying jag.
"Darling, darling, don't do that." Lucinda fussed, plopping down in the grass next to Noah and latching her gaze on his. "You have every right to be as sad as we all do; you loved him just as much as any of us did." Despite the assured tone of her words, Noah could see that Lucinda was having a hard time not collapsing herself.
"I know, ma'am, it's just…." Noah tried to explain, opening his mouth before closing it several times. When moments ticket by and Noah had no response, Lucinda placed her hand on his cheek, cradling his face in the most maternal way.
"It's just what, Noah? It's not manly to cry? It's not masculine enough to mourn? You're supposed to dust your hands off and walk away?" Lucinda asked, shocking Noah with her insight into his emotions.
"Don't act so surprised, darling. I didn't become CEO of Worldwide because I was dense." Lucinda deadpanned, her voice sober. "Here's the thing, Noah Mayer. In every sense of the word, you are both a Snyder and a Walsh. We all love you as if you were our own. You're family. Do you know what that means?" When Noah didn't respond, Lucinda patted his cheek before continuing. "It means that you are allowed to be vulnerable. That means that if you're sad – cry. We aren't going to love you any less for it."
Noah had thought that he had cried himself out, but apparently not. Lucinda's words were causing his eyes to well up yet again, and he ducked his head to prevent her from seeing them. "Silly boy!" She stated, moving her hand to under Noah's chin to lift his head up. "Did you not listen to what I just said? Don't hide your emotions from us, darling, not now and not ever. Now, come here."
Lucinda slid an arm around Noah's shoulders and pulled him towards her, so that they were sitting side by side. She rubbed his arm comfortingly, and stared out at the pond. Noah, still in a state of shock over Lucinda's own brand of kindness towards him, heeded her words and allowed his tears to flow freely.
When the sun began to set over the pond, casting an orange hue on the landscape, Noah and Lucinda both stood up. Shyly, Noah looked over at her before reaching down and giving her a brief hug.
A startled laugh escaped out of Lucinda before she hugged Noah back, before clapping him twice on the shoulder in a rather business-like way. Taking that as his cue to release her, Noah smiled down at her and thanked her.
"The first rule about families, darling," she said as a reply, "is that you get to be vulnerable. The second rule? Never thank a family member. We are here for you; it's not a duty, it's what we want to do because we know that you would do the same for us."
Noah felt a warming in his chest, right where Ethan's absence had burned a hole. He knew that he was no where near done mourning, but maybe he would be able to build on that warmth. Having people behind him, having a family, made his future seem a lot more tangible, and just a little less impossible.
"Noah!" A frantic voice yelled, echoing across the open land. "Noah, where are you! Noah- oh." Luke walked over to him and Lucinda, smiling sheepishly with a tinge of pink gracing his cheeks. "I thought you left…"
"That's my cue to leave." Lucinda whispered in Noah's ear, pinching his cheek affectionately before leaving. Devoting his attention to Luke, Noah felt a rush of affection when he saw the blonde bashfully scuffing the ground with his foot, glancing up at him from under his eyelashes.
Taking Luke's hand, Noah pulled him to his side before wrapping his arms around him. Pressing his nose to Luke's hair, Noah inhaled the musky, spicy scent that was Luke and pressed a kiss into his hair.
Luke turned in his embrace until they were chest to chest, Luke's eyes looking up into Noah's. Their eyes were both bloodshot from crying, but neither cared.
""Noah?" Luke asked, his voice stating more than Noah thought was possible out of one word.
"I know." Noah replied, kissing Luke's mouth in a chaste, yet affectionate kiss. Pulling back, Noah reacquainted himself with every inch of Luke's face before feeling compelled to drop another kiss on those perfect lips… and another.
Controlling himself, Noah turned Luke in his arms so that Luke's back was pressed up against Noah's chest, and Noah's arms wrapped around Luke's waist. Luke quickly grabbed Noah's hands and wrapped them tighter, embracing them both in a hug. They stood there, watching the sun continue to set, enjoying the purely innocent moment in their lives – appreciating the rarity of it.
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