Sam, Paul, and Jared burst in suddenly. I got the impression that they thought that Jacob had probably lost control again, and they just couldn't trust him. It made me a little irritated that they thought that Jacob was apparently inadequate of keeping his temper in check, and also that apparently I would be stupid enough to tick him off again. Right. When they'd entered Billy's small house, Jacob had jerked his hand from mine.
"Sorry," Sam said, his momentarily panicked expression smoothing back into a mask of calm. "Just… checking… yeah…" he cleared his throat and nodded at Jared and Paul, who had been eying Jake and I with speculation, to go back outside with him and give us some 'privacy' again. As if they wouldn't be straining their ears to hear our conversation to 'make sure Jake didn't lose control again'. Hmph.
I turned my attention back to Jacob, and my irritation immediately turned into concern again. That irrational protectiveness I got whenever Jake was upset came back. His downcast eyes were so filled with agony and guilt, long lashes casting shadows over his high cheekbones, that it sent a pang of hurt through my chest. I laid my small, pale hand over his large (and ridiculously manly) tanned hand. He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. His face was still contorted with pain.
"Jake," I took a deep breath. "I really care about you." He stared at me for a moment, his large eyes widening. His lips parted slightly as he struggled to make out the meaning of my veiled words.
I wasn't choosing him, not really. And as incredibly selfish as I was being, I knew that I had no choice. I didn't really like Jacob only as a friend. He was so much more to me than that. So much more that… the lines could be blurred even more. In truth, I loved him. I wasn't completely sure what to make of that either, that is, if Jacob was even aware that behind those five words I had just uttered aloud was those three words 'I love you'. I did love him—very, very much. But… I wasn't sure exactly. I wasn't sure if I was in love with him. Although, I could safely say that that was what I wanted to say. I wanted so much to make Jake happy—the way he deserved—to bring that sunshine back to him and reform that glow that used to emanate from him. I wanted that so much.
And as I watched the shocked gaze subside into a softened, caring, loving look as he stared at me intently, the realization hit me full on.
He was never coming back. Edward. My Romeo would never be here again. I closed my eyes. I hated myself for brooding for too long on Edward. I forced myself to think the name and almost relished the pain it caused me, although trying hard not to let it show on my face, as Jake was still watching me. His face instantly turned into concern, as if his expressions were tuned to my own.
"Bella…?" He asked uncertainly. I guess he'd probably learned that I had strange bouts whenever I thought of Edward, or the Cullens. He must've realized I was thinking about them, but only concern showed on his face as he gazed intently at me in worry.
"I'm okay," I said, wincing a little. The hole in my chest barely throbbed now. Was I subconsciously moving on? I shook the thoughts out of my head. I was being thoroughly bizarre now. What was I thinking?
"Are you sure?" Jacob's face was creased with worry.
What had I ever done to deserve a friend like Jake?
"I—thanks, Jake," I said, giving him a warm smile—or at least, the best attempt I could muster of one. "I'm fine." I gazed out the small window, where Jared and Paul were standing, apparently making sure Jacob didn't do anything. They looked rather bored.
I glanced back at Jake. He had followed my gaze out the window where his 'pack-mates' were hanging around and his eyes were filled with sorrow. I wasn't quite sure why he was so sad to see them there. Was it because he knew why they were there? Because they were afraid he would lose control and hurt me again? I looked down, ashamed.
I had never treated Jake the way he deserved. He deserved love, a girl who would love him the way he loved her, a girl who wasn't broken and bleeding, never to be fixed again. That was what I was. I was an empty house. Uninhabited. Forever broken and unfixed. I would never run right again. I wished that I could be that girl. She would be so lucky to have such an amazing guy for her. But I didn't want Jake to give up on me, selfish as I was. I wanted him to stay with me. I knew that was incredibly selfish, but what else did I have? I had nothing more to lose. Well, except for Jacob. I knew that it was wrong of me to want this—the friendship we had. I wanted so much to be what he wanted me to be. Was it enough for me to feel the same way as he did? I thought about Romeo and Juliet. What if Romeo had left Juliet? What if he had lost interest and never came back? Juliet wouldn't have just gone on with her life and forgotten Romeo. He had been her one and only. Her true, burning, fiery love that she would never, ever forget. But what about Paris? She still had another choice, didn't she? And what if Paris had been her friend? Her very best friend? Would she have been able to go on and marry Paris? Of course, she wouldn't just let go of Romeo ever, not completely. He would always be there in her mind. But would she be able to let go of him enough to embrace Paris the way he wanted her to, instead of just as a friend? But of course, none of this made sense. The Romeo-left-Juliet-so-Juliet-ends-up-with-Paris plotline would never have been right. That's why Romeo and Juliet was such a timeless classic. It was beautifully tragic in a way that was right. Well not right, exactly but… well, it was tragic in a way that, if it had to be tragic, then that was the way it should be tragic. Okay that doesn't really make sense but… in a classic love story, the girl who's left by her boyfriend would never end up with her best friend. That's definitely not right. At all. I shook Romeo and Juliet out of my head. I was no Juliet anyway. And Edward… well, no Romeo would leave his Juliet would he? If she really was his Juliet. But…well… I wasn't really a Juliet… Oh my gosh what was wrong with me? I seriously needed to stop thinking about this stuff. It was just getting ridiculous. I shook my head a little and finally returned to earth from my own little world of indecision.
I knew I had to choose soon. (Oh great, I'm back in the world of indecision after about one millisecond!) I couldn't just leave Jake hanging out there, just waiting around. What was wrong with me? It was one way or another. You can't have it both ways, Bella, you selfish… my thoughts trailed off as I cursed myself for my stupidity. It was either to let him go and stop making him wait around, or I was going to have to be who he wanted me to be. And, honestly, I asked myself, would it be so bad? To be Jake's loved one, in that way, would be any other girl's dream. Except for mine. Well, if it hadn't been for Edward, then Jake might've been my dream. In a world without the supernatural, he would've been the guy I'd have fallen for. But he's a werewolf, a small part of my mind whispered to me. But still, he had a heartbeat didn't he? He was mortal, wasn't he? The blood flowed through his veins, provided his skin with that beautiful color, didn't it? And he'd already proven that he was a friend who would always come back. And if he became more than just my very best friend, why would that change? I already knew I loved him. But was I in love with him?