Disclaimer – Make up something witty about not owning anything you recognize and insert here.
***Notes - I have no idea what the protocol is for someone who had an autopsy performed in a murder investigation, so I kind of made it up. If I messed up, let me know, but try to roll with it. Thanks!
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Luke stared at his reflection in the mirror, his black suit a sharp contrast against his pale face and blonde hair. He smoothed his hands down the front of his suit before leaning closer to the mirror and studying his face. He absently noticed that the there were deep circles underneath his eyes, hinting at his sleepless nights. He had been having nightmares with increasing frequency as this date drew closer, and now it was here; Ethan's funeral.
Oakdale PD had finally returned Ethan's body – how Luke cringed at those words – and the date of the funeral had been set only days prior. The preparations for the funeral had taken up most of the older Snyder's time; Lily and Holden had been calling friends and relatives, Lucinda had been making arrangements, and Luke had been taking care of his sisters.
Luke ran a hand through his hair, messing it up, before exhaling slowly and leaving the bathroom. Walking into his adjoining bedroom, a smile flitted across his face as he saw Noah standing in the middle of the room, struggling to knot his tie.
"Can I help you with that?" Luke asked, allowing himself to be lost in Noah.
"I don't know; my boyfriend might get jealous." Noah teased, attempting to lighten up the soon-to-be sober mood.
The smile on Luke's face grew as it became just him and Noah; no funerals, no deaths, no nothing.
"Oh, I think I could take him." Luke mused. "Unless he's blonde and beyond gorgeous. Then I might have a problem."
"Well, you're going to have a problem there," Noah flirted back, "because that's the perfect description of my boyfriend." Leaning down, Noah gave Luke a soft kiss before pulling back.
"Here, let me help you with that." Luke said, bringing his hands up to Noah's neck as he adjusted the tie. When he had perfected the knot, he leaned forward and placed another kiss on Noah's lips.
"Luke, how are you doing?" Noah asked, swiftly changing the topic. "And don't lie to me."
"Honestly?" Luke asked, tilting his head up to look at Noah. "I've been dreading today all week, but my parents need – I need – this."
Luke saw Noah open his mouth to reply, but snapped it shut as Holden's voice rang throughout the house, asking everyone to come down to the kitchen when they were ready.
"I guess that's our cue to go." Luke sighed. "Listen, head downstairs; I'm going to go make sure the girls are ready." Luke said, patting Noah's cheek before heading to his sister's room to check on them.
"Faith? Natalie? Can I come in?" Luke asked as he knocked on the door. There was no reply, so he slowly pushed the door open.
His little sisters were sitting on their bed in their black dresses, motionless and looking as if everything they knew had been torn out from under them. The sight made Luke want to gather them in his arms and hug them tight, but instead he walked over to them, placed his hands on his knees, and bent down.
"Hey, hey, hey." Luke murmured, his voice causing Natalie's head to rise. "We've got to head downstairs, girls."
"Luke, I don't want to go!" Natalie said tearfully, jumping off the bed and into Luke's already open arms. Luke held her tight, feeling her heart beat against his and triggering his 'big brother instinct.'
As he hugged Natalie, whispering reassurances into her ear and rubbing her back, Luke watched Faith from over Natalie's shoulder, wishing she would look at him so he would be able to see how she was doing. Faith had been abnormally quiet since she had arrived home Paris with Lucinda. On some level, Luke knew that was to be expected, but he still wished that his little sister would show him any of the spitfire energy that he loved about her.
Almost as soon as Luke's thought finished running through his head, Faith lifted her head with anger burning clear in her eyes. Baffled at what would cause her to be angry, of all things, Luke reluctantly released Natalie.
Focusing his attention only on Natalie for a moment, Luke placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Hey Nat," he began, "I bet that Noah's standing behind that door. Why don't you take him downstairs? You know he'll get lost without you." Inspired by Natalie's small giggle, Luke continued. "You can even," he mock whispered, "make fun of him for eavesdropping!"
Natalie nodded before walking over to the door, opening it to a guilty-faced Noah. She said something inaudible to Noah before grabbing his hand and leading him downstairs. Silently thanking Noah for being so perfect with his siblings, Luke centered his attention on Faith.
"Faith, what's wrong?" Luke asked, wincing internally as the question bounced across the room. 'Do I even need to ask?
"What's wrong?" She asked, looking at Luke as if he had grown a second head. "What's wrong? Do you even have to ask, Luke? I thought you'd get it – I thought that you'd get what no one else in this damn house does, but apparently you don't." Faith shot off the bed and tried to maneuver past her brother, but was stopped as Luke shot out a hand and grabbed her by the elbow.
"Faith, language!" Luke scolded, the words lacking their usual bite. "But what is it that nobody gets, Faith?"
"This!" She yelled, slipping her free hand into her hair and tugging at it. "Ethan's dead, he's been murdered, and everyone's acting like it's not happening!" At Luke's surprised expression, Faith laughed scornfully. "Yes, I know about the 'investigation.' I'm not stupid, you know."
"No one ever thought you were stupid, Faith." Luke said softly. "And no one here is pretending that Ethan's not dead."
"Really?" Faith asked, her disbelief obvious in her voice. "So that's why mom and dad act like everything's okay? That's why you tell Natalie that she can go 'scold Noah', when she should be mourning her little brother? That's why everyone's just pretending nothing happened, when everything did?"
Luke rocked back on his heels, in shock at the resentment he heard in Faith's accusations. 'Oh god, Faith, you have it all wrong.'
"Faith, no one's pretending." Luke repeated. "Mom and dad… mom and dad are trying to be strong for this family. They think that you need to see them being strong, and they think that you need to know that you can depend on them and rely on them, no matter what."
"But don't they get it?" Faith asked, her voice wavering. "I need to see that they're upset, too. I need to know that I'm not the only one who feels like I do.
"And how do you feel, Faith?" Luke asked, scared of the answer but needing to know.
Faith looked surprised that Luke had bothered to ask, before locking her gaze on his. "I feel like… you know those wind-up toys that Grandma would always buy us?" At Luke's slightly confused nod, Faith continued. "I feel like one of those toys. They probably just want to be still and not have to move, but someone always winds them up, and then they don't have a choice. They have to sing or dance or do something, because that pole that comes out of their back is turning and turning and it's making them move, even when they don't want to. Does that make sense?"
At Luke's gentle nod, Faith continued. "I don't want to be like those toys. I want to just lie on my bed and cry and remember Ethan, but I can't because people are winding me up and expecting me to be okay and happy, and I'm not okay and happy, Luke, I'm not, and I hate it that everyone's faking that everything's going to work out – I hate it!"
"I know sweetie, I know." Luke murmured, feeling his heart shatter as he pulled Faith into his arms. Feeling her body wrack with sobs against his, Luke wanted nothing more than to cry alongside her.
Knowing that despite her words, Faith needed him to be strong, Luke bit the inside of his lip until he tasted metallic blood in his mouth. Using the pain to prevent his tears from escaping him, Luke held his grief-stricken sister until her shaking body stilled.
Pulling back and allowing Faith to see his face, Luke let some of the pain he was feeling filter into his expression to show Faith that she wasn't alone.
"Faith, let's make a deal." Luke said.
"What?" She asked, her voice hoarse from crying.
"How about we don't hide how we're feeling from each other. If I'm sad I'll tell you, and if you're sad you'll tell me. We won't fake anything around each other; does that sound good?"
Faith nodded her head once, and Luke gave a faint smile before reaching down and smoothing her hair. "Luke?" Faith whispered, her voice oddly hesitant.
"Mmhmm?" Luke responded, giving his sister his full attention.
"Thank you, and… you know I love you, right?" Faith seemed almost embarrassed by her words of affection, ducking her head as she said them.
"Faith… of course I know that. And I love you too." Luke tried to keep Faith from seeing how much her words meant to him, before remembering the vow he made to her just moments before. 'Might as well start now, he thought, and allowed his emotions to be seen on his face.
Giving Faith a one armed hug, Luke left his arm around her shoulder. "Ready to go?
"No," Faith responded honestly, "But lead the way."
"Ethan Snyder was a happy child, one who would greet anyone with a smile." The parishioner said, his voice carrying throughout the white chapel. "He was loved dearly by many, and everyone here today will feel his absence."
Luke kept his head ducked between his knees, his hand unconsciously tightening its grip on Noah's. Luke had always hated funerals, but everything the priest was saying made him want to run up to the stage and snatch his microphone away.
Everything he was saying seemed so fake, so unlike the little brother that Luke had loved. Ethan had never been one to be described as a 'polite human being.' Ethan had been more likely to run around naked than he would be to shake someone's hand and say hello. The Ethan that Luke had known loved to have a mud fight in the puddles at Snyder farm, and would always have to be reminded to say 'please' and 'thank you'.
The priest continued to talk, unaware that every word that came out of his mouth grated on Luke's every nerve. His brother was being treated as if he was an average kid; there was nothing mentioned about who he truly was, and Luke hated that.
If it wasn't for the steady pressure of Noah's hand on his, and for the fact that he knew he couldn't hurt his family, Luke knew he would've run out of the church. Instead, he focused his gaze on the dark green carpet between his feet, and tried his hardest to block out the words that were being blabbered before him.
A dull sobbing filled the room, echoing from Luke's right. Looking past Faith, who was sitting on his left, Luke saw his mother bury her face in Holden's black jacket. Holden's face was stoic, hardened to the point that it seemed as if it was made out of marble. Only when one looked into his eyes did that illusion disappear; the pain swirling in those light blue eyes could drown an army.
Tearing his gaze off of his parents, Luke shifted his attention to his sisters, who sat between him and Lily and Holden. Natalie had her face buried in Lily's side, but Faith was positioned similar to Luke, only she was looking straight ahead instead of downwards. Knowing how much harder everything was hitting her than she was letting on, Luke reached out his free hand and wrapped it around Faith's shoulder, pulling her close.
"Faith?" Luke whispered into her ear. "Don't pretend; feel what you're feeling, okay?"
A slow nod was Luke's only response, until he felt Faith leaning into him. Reluctantly releasing Noah's hand, Luke wrapped his arms around Faith and pulled her towards him until she was nestled into his side. The position was awkward, and he could already feel his back beginning to protest, but Luke wouldn't give up being with his sister for the world.
Luke felt a hand settle on his thigh, a thumb slowly rubbing back and forth. Feeling grateful for the contact with Noah, Luke set his chin on top of Faith's, meeting Holden's eyes as he did so. The two men exchanged a slow nod, their roles as the protectors of the family being well understood.
Luke continued to block out the words of the priest, finding it easier now that there was something far more important taking their place; his family. As long as he focused on them, he knew that he wouldn't feel as alone and desolate as he had been lately.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I'm sorry for your loss."
Forcing his face into a smile that didn't completely resemble a grimace, Luke turned around and faced yet another virtual stranger. The reception had started half an hour ago, and Luke was ready to scream. This was what he hated about funerals; insincere apologies and even more insincere acceptances of said apologies.
"Thank you." Luke replied, wishing that he didn't have to thank people for their apologies, but what would be an appropriate response? Ignoring them? Telling them that nothing they could say would bring Ethan back, so why should they try?
The stranger – Luke thought it might have been one of Ethan's former preschool teachers – nodded her head and walked off, heading for Holden and Lily. A wave of guilt washed through Luke as he saw his parents, so obviously hurting, but greeting people and faking that they were okay.
Wanting to go talk to his parents, and make sure that they were managing, Luke began to weave throughout the many people there - both Snyder's and friends. Luke kept an eye out for Noah as he made his way across the room as well; he had lost his boyfriend after Noah had gone to the bathroom just minutes ago.
Bumping into someone, Luke apologized before looking up, but the person had already continued moving towards the door. Curious, Luke strained his eyes after them, trying to catch a glimpse of who he had ran into. A flash of blonde hair caught his eye, and his breath was stuck in his throat. He wouldn't… would he? Not today, not now.
Turning on his heel, Luke followed the man out of the church, hoping that it was not who he thought it was. The moment he stepped out of the gilded doors, Luke's anger doubled as he saw that his suspicions were confirmed.
"Damian!" Luke yelled out, watching as the other man halted in his tracks.
"Luciano." Damian's voice was hesitant, but without a trace of guilt, something that irked Luke.
"No. It's Luke. Not Luciano. And what the hell are you doing here, Damian?" As Luke spoke, he walked closer to Damian, until he was invading his personal space. "What could have possibly possessed you to come to my brothers funeral? Are you that callous, that you would come and wreck this day?
"Lucia – Luke. I never meant to interrupt anything, and I would never, ever wreck your brothers funeral." Damian's face was the picture of sincerity as he pleaded to Luke, and that only served to increase Luke's anger.
"Then what did you come here for, Damian? If you didn't come to screw over the funeral, then what are you here for?"
"I wanted to pay my respects-" Damian was cut off by Luke's harsh accusations.
"Pay your respects? Damian, you didn't even know Ethan. Could you tell me what color his eyes were?" Silence was Damian's form of answer. ""You want to fuck around with my life? Fine, go ahead – you can't make it much worse. But stay the hell away from my family. My mom, my dad, my sisters; they don't need you here.
So fine. If you insist on staying in Oakdale, I really don't care. But come near my family, and I'm going to make your life a living hell." The threat in Luke's words was undeniable.
"Luke, I love you. You're my son, no matter how hard you try to deny it." Damian insisted.
Luke's laugh was harsh, and had a cold edge to it that caused Damian to instinctively take a step backwards. Luke quickly stepped forwards, using his physical presence to push Damian back, to make him listen.
"I. Am. Not. Your. Son. You got that? I am a Snyder. And maybe your DNA is in me, but that's all it is. DNA. Holden Snyder raised me, and Holden Snyder is the only father that I've ever known, and will ever know. Don't flatter yourself, Damian; you were just the sperm donor."
"Luke, you don't truly hate me." Damian insisted, causing Luke to widen his eyes in disbelief. Is he kidding me?
You're right Damian, I don't hate you." At Damian's hopeful look, Luke continued. "In order to hate you, I'd have to feel something towards you, and you're not even worth that. I don't care about you; you could go be hit by a bus for all I care. As far as I'm concerned, you're dead to me."
A voice inside Luke's head that sounded suspiciously like Noah was chanting that Luke did care about Damian, despite all that they had been through – why else would Damian be able to get to Luke the way he did? But Luke firmly squashed that voice, unwilling to believe that his heart would care for this man when his brain wanted nothing to do with him.
"Now Damian?" Luke said. "I suggest you get lost before my dad shows up. As much as I'd love to see him kick your sorry ass, now isn't the time."
"I'll be back, Luke." Damian promised. "I'm going to set things right with you if it's the last thing I do."
Luke chose to ignore Damian's last words, heading back into the church instead. Luke mindlessly made his way back to where the reception was being held, not noticing Holden walking up to him until he was right in front of him.
"Luke, are you okay? Where'd you go?" Holden asked after embracing Luke, concern clear in his eyes.
"I'm fine dad… I just ran into someone outside, but it's no big deal. Come on, let's go." Luke tried to distract his father, but Holden wasn't having any of it.
"Who'd you run into, Luke? And why are you hiding this from me?" Holden asked, resting his hands on Luke's shoulders.
Luke took a deep breath before exhaling it slowly through pursed lips. "If I tell you, you have to promise me you won't get upset. Promise me, okay?"
"I promise Luke, now what's going on?" Holden asked, the concern in his voice morphing into worry.
"Damian was here." Luke decided to just spit it out. "He was in the reception, and I saw him and followed him outside."
"Wait, what?" Holden asked, astounded. "Damian was here? Why? What on earth could that son of a bitch want?"
"I don't know, dad." Luke moaned, feeling guilty for unloading his problems on his father, but reveling in the comfort as well. "He said he was here to 'pay his respects' or something, but I don't know. I just want him gone, dad."
"Same here Luke, same here." Holden stared into the distance for a moment before he squeezed Luke's shoulders and changed the subject. "Luke? Thank you for watching your sisters. I know how hard this has been for you, and I want you to know that your mom and I, we really appreciate all you've done."
Luke found that he couldn't see through the sheen of tears that covered his eyes. "That's what big brothers do, right?"
"Right." Holden replied gruffly as he pulled Luke into another hug. Luke blinked back his tears as he embraced his father, allowing his tension to melt out of him. Holden patted his back, and Luke pulled out of the embrace to see Noah standing behind his dad.
Luke's stare must have alerted his dad that someone was behind him, because he turned around before embracing Noah as well. The look on Noah's face as Holden embraced him was beyond words; respect and awe mixed in with love.
Holden released Noah, turning around and glancing at each of the boys. "Now, I think we need to start clearing people out of here." Holden began. "Your mom is exhausted, and I don't think the kids can take too much more of this."
"I can help if you would like, Mr. Snyder." Noah responded automatically, before catching Holden's reproachful look. "Sorry, I mean Holden."
"That'd be great, Noah." Holden replied. "Luke, could you go gather your sisters and your mom? Tell your mom to take you and the girls home; I'll give Noah a lift when everyone's out of here."
"'Kay, dad." Luke sighed, stepping forward and pecking Noah on the lips. "See you at the farm in a bit?"
"Of course," Noah replied, "there's no where else I'd rather be."
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