Disclaimer – Don't own them, don't sue me.
*Notes – This chapter completely gained a mind of its own! Hope you enjoy!
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The drive from the church where the funeral had been held to the Snyder farm was quiet, yet not awkward. Holden focused on the road while Noah stared out the window, watching the trees pass by with an unusual fascination. The low hum of the radio filled the truck, the music soothing without being intrusive.
About five minutes into the drive, Holden broke the silence by clearing his throat. Noah looked up, curious as to what Holden would have to say to him after such an emotionally exhausting day.
Holden's eyes darted from the road to Noah's face, catching his gaze briefly before returning his attention to driving. Another long moment passed before Holden took a deep breath. "Noah, I don't know if I've said this yet… but thank you."
"For what, sir?" Noah asked, wincing as soon as the automatic 'sir' slipped out of his mouth. It was reflex, and yet Holden had made it clear that Noah was to call him by his given name.
Holden let the slip of the tongue pass, choosing to instead focus his attention on Noah's question. "For taking care of my son, and my daughters… you've meant more to them then they let on, Noah."
A brief smile whispered across Noah's face as he remembered the words that Lucinda had told him, just over a week ago. "Never thank a family member. We are here for you; it's not a duty, it's what we want to do because we know that you would do the same for us."
"You don't need to thank me, si- Holden. I love Luke, and I would do anything for him. And Faith, Natalie, everyone – they mean more to me than I can explain. I want to help out anyway I can, and it's not an obligation; I want to be there for them." Noah's voice was stronger than he had expected it to be, and he hoped that Holden could hear the sincerity in them.
Judging by the respectful look that had entered Holden's eyes, he did understand what Noah was trying to say. "I understand, Noah." The words should have sounded formal, but they didn't. Maybe the soft tone Holden used offset his words; Noah wasn't sure.
His musings were interrupted as Holden's low voice floated through the truck. "And Noah… there's some stuff I need to talk to you about. Stuff that I've put off talking about for far too long, but I need to make sure you understand. With everything that's been going on..." Here, Holden's forearm bulged as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel, "I've realized that I might not have forever to make things right. So I wanted to start now.
"When Luke was in the hospital after the fishing trip with you and your father, I wasn't as welcoming to you as I should've been. I acted as if I blamed you for your father's mistakes, and I'm sorry for that, Noah." Noah knew that his jaw was hanging open, but he couldn't shut it. Out of everything he had been preparing himself for, that was the last thing he had expected to hear.
Realizing that Holden was going to continue, Noah refocused his attention on him. "I should know better than anyone that a man should never, ever be judged by his father; just look at Luke. Damian is a complete bastard, someone who the world would be better off without, and yet Luke is a fine young man. I would kill anyone who said that Luke was part Damian, just because of genetics. And yet I let you assume that I was judging you in the exact same way. So Noah, I hope that you will accept my apology, and know that I consider you as another son."
Noah found that he had to swallow several times before he was confident enough in his ability to answer. "Holden, there's nothing to forgive. Your son had been shot, and I was partially to blame. If I hadn't taken him on that trip with me and my father-"
"No." The quiet authority ringing in Holden's word caused Noah to snap his mouth shut. "None of that was your fault, ever. You were what, seventeen? You trusted your dad, just as any teenager would. Your father, he betrayed that trust in the worst way possible. So unless you are going to tell me that it was your fault because you were being human, go ahead and try. But believe me when I say that no real father would ever do that to his child, and you are not responsible for that man's actions."
Although Noah had heard the words "It's not your fault" a million times, he had never truly believed them. But with the way Holden said everything… how could he blame himself? He didn't choose to lift that gun, he didn't choose to pull the trigger – he didn't choose any of it. So why should he have to carry the guilt around?
"Hey, hey Noah, I didn't mean to make you cry. Shoot, I'm sorry." Holden's words were edged with remorse, and Noah was quick to raise his head to correct him.
"No, I'm not upset, it's just that… thank you, Holden." Taking a deep breath, Noah raced out his last words before he chickened out. "You've been more of a dad to me in these few years than my father was in his entire life."
Noah saw a glimmering in Holden's eyes before he reached out and tousled Noah's hair. The action was so natural, so instinctive, that Noah felt as if he belonged.
"Now, Noah," Holden said, changing the topic, "I need to ask you something about Luke."
"Luke? What about him?" Noah asked, his emotionally-husky voice gaining a note of worry. "Ask me anything."
Holden didn't respond immediately, choosing to switch his turning lights on and pull off of the abandoned stretch of road they were travelling on. He shifted the truck into neutral, but left the truck running as he turned to face Noah.
"Now, don't get me wrong Noah, I trust my son." Holden began, his gaze burning into Noah's with sincerity. "But above all, I know my son, and I know how he reacts when he's upset. If I ask you something, do you swear you will give me the truth?"
"Of course sir," Noah began, before correcting himself. "Unless I believe that it would harm Luke more than it would benefit him if I told you. I have to watch over him first, always." Noah hoped Holden understood that his obligation was always to Luke first.
"I can respect that." Holden said, reassuring. "But Noah… has Luke been drinking?
As much as Noah wished that he could say that the question had surprised him, he couldn't. He had a feeling that Holden had been wondering; not out of distrust, but out of love.
"No sir, he hasn't, I promise you that." Noah said slowly.
"But?" Holden asked, catching at the hinting quality in Noah's voice. Once again, Noah had been expecting the question, and shut his eyes as he relayed what had happened to Holden.
"It was three days after the accident, I think." He began, thinking before speaking. "I had gone out to do something for Emma; run to the store for food, I think? There was construction being done on the road, and I took a lot longer than I had expected.
"I remember I came back into the house, and Emma was outside. I put the groceries away for her, and then I went up to Luke's room to see how he was doing."
"How was he?" Holden asked in a voice scarcely louder than a whisper, trepidation and more than a bit of fear filling his voice.
"He was sitting on his bed… there was a bottle of vodka beside him." Noah could see it in his minds eye, the way that the bed shifted to accommodate Luke's weight, the way that the bottle of vodka was wedged between the covers.
"Was it… was the bottle open?"
"No." Noah's voice was sure. "The seal was still intact – I checked."
"Then what was he doing with it?" Holden's voice reflected his confusion, mixed in with that everlasting worry.
"That's what I asked him." Noah responded. "I remember how sad I felt, knowing the amount of pain it must have taken to drive Luke to alcohol." Realizing the emotional confession he had unintentionally expressed, Noah opened his eyes and lifted his head, catching Holden's eyes with him. To his surprise, there was no judgment in Holden's eyes, and no disgust that he felt 'sad'. Instead, there was understanding and sympathy in those light blue eyes.
Feeling emboldened, Noah continued. "He said that he just wanted to forget, and he knew that he could do that with alcohol. He told me that as badly as he wanted to just drink everything away, he couldn't because he knew that it would be the last thing Ethan wanted. And he said that he knew he had to stay strong for his family." Noah left out the part where Luke was crying uncontrollably on his shoulder, and when he had fallen asleep with tears still running down his cheeks. There were just some things that needed to stay private.
There was a long silence in the truck, only broken by the rhythmic breathing of the men. Just when Noah was about to ask if everything was okay, Holden lifted his head, a mixture of pride and regret written on his face.
"Noah… thank you for telling me this. I just – I need to know that Luke's doing okay. I need him to stay with us emotionally, and not find some substitute for his pain."
Noah cast his eyes downward, hiding the thought that suddenly struck him. Thinking back, Noah remembered the marks that he had noticed on Luke's palm only days prior. Noah had meant to figure out what could cause those kind of scratches, but had forgotten with all that had been going on. Those must have been painful… how could he have gotten them?
Noah curled his one hand into a fist, before resting his other hand on top of his knuckles and bringing them up to his chin, resting upon them. He absently noticed that his fingernails dug into his palm. Wait!
Noah mumbled something to Holden, too focused in his revelation to truly think an answer through. He knew that Holden must have realized that Noah was preoccupied, but chose not to question it. Instead, Holden turned down the radio and waited, patient as he always was.
Looking down at his hand, Noah began to tighten his fist, digging his nails into his palm until his palm was burning. Releasing the tension that had built up, Noah shook his hand before flipping it over and examining the marks. They matched some of the ones that Luke had had on his hand perfectly, except Noah's were far fainter than Luke's had been.
Noah tried his experiment again, noticing that he had to stop before he broke the skin due to the pain of it. How much would it have hurt Luke to do this? And why would he lie about it?"
Suddenly remembering that Holden was waiting for an answer, Noah brought his free hand to rub at his palm as he organized his thoughts. "Holden."
"Yeah?" Holden asked, caught off guard by Noah suddenly talking again.
"I can't guarantee anything… but I think we need to watch Luke." Noah didn't want to scare Holden, but he also didn't want to accuse Luke of doing something until he was sure that it was the truth.
"What for?" Holden asked, trusting whatever Noah was going to tell him.
"Just… just tell me if you see any marks on him, okay?" Noah knew that his statement was more confusing than any answer should be, but it was all he could give the other man.
"Marks, like cuts and stuff?" Noah felt a weight lift off his shoulders as he realized that Holden had read between the lines, and that he was no longer the only one responsible for Luke. As much as he loved taking care of his boyfriend, some problems were just too big and too scary for him to tackle alone.
"Yeah… like that." Noah said back, his relief clear in his voice.
"Alright, Noah. I have no idea what this is about, but I want you to know that I trust your opinion. If there's anything wrong with Luke – or with you – you can always talk to me. Okay?" Holden's eyes seemed to burn into Noah's with their sincerity.
"Okay," Noah said softly, feeling as if maybe he had regained a father of sorts as Holden started the truck and continued to drive to the farm.
When they pulled up to the house, Holden killed the engine on the truck and leaned his head on the steering wheel. Noah could've asked what he was doing, but he was pretty sure that he already knew. Just as Noah was doing silently, Holden was preparing himself to put his 'strong face' back on and face his family.
Overwhelming emotions rushed over Noah as he watched Holden morph from a worried father to an in-control family man, one who would do anything to help the ones he loved – including repressing his own emotions. Noah felt guilty for the rush of longing that hit him. He longed for a father as selfless as Holden was. Quickly, another thought popped into his mind. You do have a father like Holden… you have him.
Allowing that knowledge to soothe an area in his heart left battered by the Colonel, Noah opened the car door and shut it quietly, allowing Holden a moment of privacy. Noah was about to head back to the house when he heard shouting coming from Snyder pond.
Recognizing Luke's voice, Noah headed there, before picking up speed. He sprinted the last fifty feet to the pond, before stopping dead in his tracks as he saw who Luke was with. Turning around, he ran back to the truck, where Holden was just about to get out.
Noah felt more than a little bit guilty for dumping yet another problem on Holden, but knew that Luke's father would rather know than not know.
"What is it?" Holden asked as soon as Noah was within hearing range.
"Holden… there's someone by the pond." Noah explained who was there, watching as Holden's face darkened in fury.
"He better get his damn ass off my property, or I'm going to throw it off for him." Holden had barely finished his threat before wheeling around and sprinting to the pond towards his son, Noah close behind him.
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