Merry Christmas everyone. (:

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." - Oprah Winfrey

"You know there's this thing," Haley explained to Lucas over a bowl of Frosted Flakes, "it's called Locked In Syndrome, and it's like.. you're in a coma, but you can hear and understand everything that's going on around you. Some guy wrote a book about it, Luke."

He tried to figure out the best way to let her down, to gently drag here away from this fantasy world she had created for herself. "Hales," he drowned a piece of cereal with his spoon.

"It's possible," she said, her words cut tightly and crisp. "It is, okay? You can blink or you can.. you can only move your pinkie, but you can still.. think and you're still alive. It happens."

"Okay."

"I just need something to believe. Is that so much to ask for? Just.. something that makes me believe that he's going to be okay."

Lucas bit his lip. "Do you think that's what happened to Nathan? That.. the locked in thing?"

She folded her arms. "What are you trying to do to me here, Lucas? If.. if this was Peyton, if something happened to her and a bunch of men in white coats told you that there was absolutely nothing you could do to save her, wouldn't you want something to believe in? Something that made you think maybe things were going to be okay?"

"Haley I-"

"Lucas. Just answer the question, for god's sakes," she said, her voice shaking. "If you were me, and it was Peyton lying in the hospital bed, wouldn't you want to think she was going to be okay?"

His voice softened. "Of course I would."

"Then can't we just pretend we're little and this is all a big game of house, and that Nathan will wake up and we'll all go back to the way we were? It's ridiculous," she had abandoned her cereal and was now sitting, cross legged, on the edge of her chair. "I know it is, but that doesn't mean I don't want it to be true."

Lucas didn't know what to say to this, didn't know how to tactfully tell his best friend that they were no longer four years old. "I want to go back too, Hales."

"Just even.. back to." she had to stop for a moment, swallowing constrictedly. "Back to that night.. and it was a Blizzard, for god's sakes, I didn't even want it that badly. Oh, Luke, I made him go and I shouldn't have, I should have let him stay and then none of this would be happening."

"Haley. Listen to me," Lucas reached his hands out, trying to get to her in some way, and settled for placing them gently on her crossed knees. She looked up at him and the look on her face was one he had never seen before; one of pure terror and innocence and guilt. "What happened with Nathan? It was not your fault. It was an accident and it never should have happened, but it wasn't your fault."

"Lucas," her entire body shuddered as she said his name. "Don't try and make me feel better about this."

"I'm not saying this to try and make you feel better," he said, frightened to hear the edge in his voice, "I'm saying it because it's the truth, and you are not allowed to blame yourself for this, becaue the fact that Nathan was hit by a car, the fact that he flew through the windshield? Haley. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that from happening."

He felt her head drop slightly, coming to rest on his shoulder, and he closed his arms around her. "I'm sorry, Hales. I want to make this all go away for you. But I can't."

"I know," she said quietly, nestling deeper into him. Tears slid down her face and stained a wet spot on Lucas's shirt; he rubbed her back and they sat like that for a long time, holding onto each other, because it seemed that right now, all they had was each other.

One Tree Hill

Brooke sat beside Nathan, holding a Seventeen magazine in her hand; it was the new one that had just arrived in the mail (she'd had a subscription since she was eight), but she hadn't even bothered to see who was on the cover. It was funny how quickly your priorities could be totally altered, how something as silly as a magazine could once have been something that demanded a lot of attention from her, how getting her hair perfectly straightened seemed so important such a short time ago; she hadn't had a shower in three days.

"So," she said softly, "if what the doctors say is true, then there isn't really any point in me being here. Talking to you, 'cause you can't hear or understand anything we're saying to you. But I don't really believe any of it; I think you can hear us all perfectly fine." She stopped then, because she didn't want to be the cliché girl that sobbed over her friend's hospital bed, clinging to his hand and begging him to wake up.

Instead, she rested her chin in her hands, and watched Nathan thoughtfully, as though maybe if she stared at him for long enough he'd wake up; when she was little, she used to try to do that, like she was Matilda, or something. She'd sit in the car with Victoria and concentrate on the person in the next car over, willing them to turn their face with her eyes.

"This is kinda unfair," she said, to no one in particular; it was sort of nice in a way, to be able to sit here and talk to Nathan, but be able to sort out her thoughts at the same time. He couldn't judge, couldn't criticize.

"All the bad stuff seems to happen to us, you know? You'd think they'd just give us a break every once in a while.. whoever 'they' are," she smiled gently. "Maybe just say, alright, those Tree Hill kids have been screwed over about a million times in two years, so let's just leave them alone for a while." she sighed. "I guess it doesn't work like that, hm?"

"Guess not," a voice came from behind Brooke; Skills was hovering uncertainly by the door, unsure whether to stay or go.

"Hey!" Brooke plastered a bright smile on her face; it felt stretched and crude on her face. "It's nice of you to come visit," she said, hugging him.

"I felt bad, 'cause I haven't been to see Nate since the accident. It's not that I don't care, I just.. I couldn't come and see him. Not like this," Skills gestured to the hospital bed, where Nathan's lifeless form lay. "It's messed up, Brooke. This shouldn't be happening to him, or to Haley."

"I know," Brooke said, placing her hand on Skills's firm shoulder. "It really.. it just. And it's.. for their baby. He's going to grow up not knowing Nathan, not having a dad and that's.. it just shouldn't be allowed to happen."

Skills nodded, settling himself gingerly on the edge of a hospital chair. "He's.. he looks pretty rough. What exactly did the doctors say happened to him?" Skills eyes were full, and so he looked up nonchalantly at the ceiling, dragging a hand across his face.

"The impact of the truck, when he went through the windsheild.. he hit the truck head first, Skills, after he'd already been hit by the old lady. It was.. it was bad to begin with, and then after he hit the truck.. that was it."

Skills said nothing, just gave a long slow nod. "He doesn't even get to graduate, Brooke."

"I know," she took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze; the smallest gestures seemed to mean so much now: elbows touching, fingers intertwining, even just for a moment. They were all gestures of comfort, and condolence, understanding and compassion. It was things they all needed now, badly, and she'd never before realize how important they could be.

One Tree Hill

Deb didn't know what time it was; time seemed to be of no use anymore, and neither did the drugs. It was funny, in a really unfunny way, because she'd thought it would have been the exact opposite, that Nathan's death (or whatever you cared to call it, an endless sleep, an irreversible coma), would only deepen the dependance she held towards the drugs and the alcohol. But it was as if her body had become an empty shell, the soul that she'd once had had died with Nathan's brain power.

Deb had used the drugs because they felt good, because they were a means of escape, because.. just because. But now that she had lost Nathan, lost the person that mattered to her the most, there seemed to be no reason for them anymore. Had it not been for the fact that she had stopped using the drugs out of pure depression and emptiness, she would probably be the poster child for Quitting, but as it was people only looked at her in that sickingly sweet, pitying way whenever they saw her.

She was sitting up in her bed, clutching the TV remote like it was a lifeline, a time machine to another world, where her son was still alive, where she was able to eat and sleep whenever the hell she wanted. a world where an eighteen year old girl was not left widowed, to raise her unborn son in a very cruel and unforgiving world.

It was pure, cold irony, Deb thought, that Haley James Scott was living through a more dramatic and tragic version of what Karen had gone through after Dan left her; she wondered if it was a very sick and twisted sort of karmic thing, but she didn't think that even the universe could be that cruel.

When Nathan had been born, Deb held him in her arms, and she promised him, and herself, that she'd never do anything to hurt him. Again, there was the irony, because by creating this child with Dan Scott, allowing him to raise Nathan alongside her, she had already damaged him in a way that might have been beyond repair, had it not been for a few things: Haley dominating all other influencing factors.

It truly was remarkable the kind of effect Haley had had on Nathan; he had always been a good kid, but it rarely shone through, pressure coming from everywhere Nathan looked had overshadowed a lot of that good stuff. But Haley seemed to have this uncanny ability of bringing out the best in Nathan, always.

Deb had wondered before what Nathan would ever do without Haley; she had changed him, and Deb always thought that if Haley were to be taken away, that Nathan might revert to the way he had been; she had never had to worry about what might happen if Nathan was taken away from Haley.

One Tree Hill

Haley had been trying everything; she took in books and read to him for hours on end, because that's what that one girl did in that movie, and it seemed to work for her. And then after that, she tried to sing to him, hoping maybe that some part of his brain would register the fact that his wife was there, holding his hand, crying for him, singing him a song.

But nothing was working, and finally Haley had to realize that this wasn't a movie or a book, this was real; Nathan wasn't going to wake up, and so she did what she knew she had to do. She went to Doctor Gould, and she told him. "I want to turn the life support off," she said. It was almost laughable, the fact that these words were even coming out of her mouth. They were words that belonged to another girl, another time, a tragic newspaper article, a sad Oasis song. But sure as hell not the words that she should be saying.

"Okay," he nodded his head and clicked his stupid little pen a million times. He explained the procedure to her, but it wasn't something she payed close attention to; she tried to make the words he was saying become meaningless, as though he was not in fact speaking about her husband.

She guessed that she should let everyone know, because they all deserved a chance to say goodbye (or at least that's what she thought should happen, because it seemed to be the standard procedure in all the movies; everyone goes in seperately, either apologizing for all the horrible things they've done, or reminicsing on all the amazing memories they had together).

She told Peyton first, although she didn't really know why; maybe it was because she figured it would be easiest to tell Peyton; Peyton had dated Nathan once, in another lifetime, but they weren't as close (or so she told herself), and so surely it would hurt Peyton less.

Peyton smiled at her, this fake cheery smily, when Haley showed up at her house; she came with some coffee for Peyton, wearing Nathan's old sweater and over sized sweat pants; she felt unattractive and sort of stupid, but she didn't really care: she needed the sweater, because it smelled like him, and she sort of felt like by wearing it, she had a part of him with her.

"Hey Hales," Peyton hugged Haley gently. Haley hated how careful people were with her now, as though they were terrified she might just explode if they were too rough.

"Hi," she said softly. They stood awkwardly for a second, before Peyton led Haley into the living room. "I.. Hales, listen I just.. I know we haven't talked lately, since the accident I just.. I want you to know I'm sorry this is happening to you, so sorry. And if you need someone to talk to.. I sort of know what you're going through. So I'm here."

"Thanks, Peyton, I appreciate that, I really do."

Peyton smiled and sipped at her coffee.

"It's about the life support," she said abruptly. "We're.. they're turning it off. I'm sorry," she whispered. "But nothing's happening and I can't just.. he's not going to wake up, and I'm not.. it's not going to feel real to me, it will never feel real to me until it's shut off. Otherwise I'm just going to spend every day, for the rest of my life waiting for something that is never going to happen and I-"

"Haley," Peyton put her hand to Haley's elbow, "you don't have to, okay? Whatever you decide, Hales, I'm with and if I were you.. well," she smiled. "I don't know what I'd do, because.. because it's horrible and unimaginable and what I'd do, but.. it's better this way. He's gaining nothing from being kept alive from some machine."

"Thank you," Haley exhaled. "I just feel like I'm letting everyone down.. I'm supposed to keep him safe right? Love him all the time, through sickness and through health and this.. this isn't loving him. This is abandoning him," Haley choked out a sob.

Peyton's face gave away the pain she was trying to keep inside, the pain she felt for Haley, Nathan, their unborn child and.. she hated to say it, but herself. "Oh, honey," Peyton squeezed Haley's hand. "You are doing nothing wrong here. You are hurting nobody, and we're so behind you, one hundred percent. You need to know that, that nobody is upset with you for doing this."

Haley simply nodded, unable to talk.

Wordlessly, Peyton pulled Haley close to her, setting down her coffee cup on the table; they didn't speak, and Haley wasn't even sure if she actually cried, but all she knew was that it was sort of nice sometimes to just sit and not talk and feel like someone was taking care of you and trying to soak up all your sadness.

One Tree Hill

Brooke and Lucas were driving together; they were supposed to be in third period English and Math, respectively, but school didn't seem to matter anymore, and so instead they were driving down a strange road in the country, the radio playing quietly, neither of them saying much. Brooke was curled up in the back seat, her head resting against the window, while Lucas sat up front, one hand on the steering wheel, the other loosely hanging in the air.

"Luke?" she said, her voice small.

"Yeah?"

"How are we gonna do it? Say bye to him and keep.. keep on going after."

"I don't know, Brooke," he was at a loss here; he always knew what to say, how to soothe away worries and make it all okay, but this was just one thing he couldn't make all better by a few kind words. "I really just.. I don't know."

"I'm scared," she admitted. "Maybe there's only so much bad stuff you can take, you know?"

"I know."

"Do you think Haley will ever be okay? He.. he was the love of her life, Luke," her voice was shaking. "How do you ever get past something like that?"

"You don't," he said, not really thinking. "Things are never going to go back to the way they were. Haley's never going to get over it.. it'll get better, and it'll fade, maybe, but she's never going to miss him any less. We're never going to miss him any less."

"I don't understand... anything," she said, laughing in a strangled way. "I miss him too. And I feel bad for missing him, because no one can miss him as much as Haley does. But it doesn't mean that I don't miss him, that I don't want him back. That I don't wake up every day and wish that Nathan Scott hadn't gone to the god damn Dairy Queen, and that he was still here." Brooke was sobbing now, and so Lucas pulled the car over, and crawled into the backseat beside her. He wrapped his arms around her, and held her tightly.

"It's okay to miss him, and.. it doesn't mean that Haley misses him more than you, Brooke. It just.. she misses him in a different way."

And then suddenly, Brooke was kissing him, and their tears mixed together, and he didn't know what the hell was going on.