Welcome back, everyone ! I apologize deeply for not updating, but lots of things have come up since I finished Chapter 8, and unfortunately this went on the back burner. And it's stayed that way for a long time. Heck, this was supposed to be longer than it is. But, I figured I'd let you know I was still alive, so here's Chapter 9. Not much exciting things are going on, except from some very BAD jokes from our newest OC, and even a glimpse of Po. Hmm. What's going on now?

Read and find out. Please.
Disclaimer :: I do not own anything pertaining to Tales of Symphonia or Teletubbies. Or Culvers. All I own are my OCs, and that's about it. Enjoy, and thanks!

Chapter 9: How Not to be a N1NJ4

Po sat on the side of his Oscar-Meyer-wiener-mobile about 5 miles from the Teletubbie set. After the nearby airport wouldn't let him through the security gate to boars the plane to Las Vegas because of the gun, Po spent half the week in a motel off the high-way. The other half he spent in prison because of "indecent exposure." He though about returning to his home, but then the guy with the huge sword came into his head. Kravos or something.

Ever since Kravos showed up, everything went belly-up. Michael Lloyd started to foam over him, about he would raise the ratings and how he would encourage scientists to cure cancer. And that would Po do? Become a role model for young children and become the spokesperson for the American Cancer Association and Lover's Lane. Although he didn't mind the latter.

But one thing was for sure: he hated Kravos, and Po would be the one to kill him.

With his relatively nonexistent thumb, he flipped open his pink Razor and dialed a number. Bringing the phone to his also nonexistent ear, he talked for a minute, and closed the phone.

Po smiled.

(…)

Kratos jumped over the back of the couch in such a way that the resurrected Lala passed out again. He placed his hand on the hilt of his sword; its sheath was hooked onto a belt that fit loosely around the jeans that Anna had bought for him prior. "Clive?" he said, facing the door.

Clive was backwards, but still in the doorway, so the door was still open. He began walking backwards, but looking down Kratos realized he was trying to moonwalk. About two seconds later, Clive tripped on his way-too-low jeans, falling backwards and landing at the angel's feet. His eyes were closed for a moment, then fluttered open. After a minute, Clive giggled. "You have pretty eyes," he said, giggling again.

Kratos merely stared. "Are you Clive?" he repeated.

Clive's eyes widened. He jumped up, doing a spin as he pointed. "Don't ever speak that name again!" He revealed a boom box, and hit the play button on the cassette player. "I have been called by that name, Clive D. Bagg, but I have recently obtained the legendary sword Gugnir for the goddess of wisdom, Beowhoanelly. In return for my valiant quest, she had bestowed a new name for my deeds. It is a name of honor. And name of valor. A name of French fried po-ta-toes and ketchup. I am Antonio de la Buenta!" He too a deep breath, then hit the stop button.

"And you," he continued, "are Kratos Aurion, herald of the ruler of Hell, Inmahnizzle. You have come to my dear Anna to seduce her then user her innocence to power up a cannon to destroy the Klingon race!"

Kratos blinked. "What?"

Clive chuckled, sticking out his hip and placing his hand there. "I know she's here. I already checked her house twenty times today, since her parents had to go out for a few of Summer's doctor appointments. And besides, she told me yesterday, when I came back from Kazakhstan. She told me that Anna hasn't been coming home too frequently because you douche bag turned her against her parents, and torched their family car. Don't play dumb with me. I know it was you. You also sent the household several letters, claiming to steal all of their Culvers coupons; because of that, you somehow found out that is the family's major food provider. Thus, stealing their coupons, they would have to pay full price, making them go into bankruptcy!"

Kratos was about to say something, but a door behind him opened. "Quit it, Clive!" Anna demanded, tugging at the hem of her shirt. "Kratos didn't do anything! I'm here of my free will!"

Clive looked shocked. "F-f-f-f-f-free will?" he shrieked. He pulled out a hat that appeared to be paying homage to the movie Signs, dropped to the floor, and curled into fetal position.

Anna came right next to Kratos, staring at Clive. "What are you doing now?" she groaned, kicking him where it appeared to be his stomach.

"T-that means I'm too late!" he squeaked, pulling his legs closer to his chest. "He's unlocked the final key seal of the great wolf demon-thing! Now, the earth will be engulfed in flames and darkness for seven days, when demons will flood the earth and exterminate mankind!!!!" There was an awkward silence, until Clive ended with, "I'm serious!"

Lala sat up off the floor. "Did I miss anything?" she asked, looking at Kratos, then Anna (she didn't see Clive, since he was on the floor and the back of the couch only went so low.).

Both shook their heads simultaneously. "Not a thing," Anna replied, shrugging.

"Oi, I'm still down here." A swift foot replied to Clive, connecting with his back.

Anna turned to Kratos. "Maybe we should start looking for Dipsy... he's been gone since last night."

"Maybe he had something to do with it!"

"He should be back by now," Lala said, her voice rising in pitch slightly. 'He sometimes goes out during the middle of the night to take a walk, but for only three or so hours."

"…didn't you say earlier that he sometimes left for a few days?"

"Well," Kratos mused, "he's either—"

"Hey! Stop ignoring me!"

"—either he left altogether—"

Anna chuckled. "Can you imagine that? Dipsy outside of the set? That could be one hell of a Youtube video."

"—or," Kratos continued, getting slightly annoyed, "Po got to him." Lala let out a loud wail.

"Don't worry," Anna said, putting an arm around the composite life-form's shoulder. "Kratos is just making assumptions about what might happen. He's not actually saying he thought that—"

Zelos casually walked in. "Hey, darlings," he said, winking at Kratos. "Did I miss anything?"

"Well," Lala chirped halfway through another sob, "Dipsy's missing, and Anna's boyfriend is he—"

"You wouldn't have happened to see him, would you?" Anna interrupted, pinching Lala in the back.

"That's the green one, right? With the stick on the head?"

Lala clapped her hands. "You saw him?!"

Zelos shrugged and pointed out the window. Lala went by it, looked around, and, after a minute, screamed. Anna walked over, and dropped her mouth open, covering it with her hand. Clive, whose hair had been attracted to Noo-Noo and now looked like a tornado had blown-dried it, got up and looked. He clinged to Anna and yelled, "Devil worshiiiip!"

Kratos was the last one to appear at the window. The windmill was a good dozen or so yards from the house, but, with his enhanced senses, Kratos was easily able to see what had happened.

Dipsy was hanging by the neck on the windmill. It was highly fortunate that the show had been postponed—well, cancelled now that two were dead and one was on the run—otherwise the windmill would be spinning, giving the five and the readers an extremely gruesome picture.

Dipsy's limbs were heavily bruised—which looked orange—and looked slightly disfigured; a sign that they were probably broken. The TV was playing a movie. A Chinese guy was jumping between elevators, and regularly panned to a casino. Dipsy's antenna-thing was gone; a second later, and the ex-Seraphim noticed he was hanging by what looked like green rope.

Because the others couldn't see it as well, Kratos related his observations to the others

Lala started crying extremely loudly. Clive tugged on Anna all the more tightly. Zelos, trying to look like he was on the verge of tears, clasped onto Kratos' arm. "Oh, not poor Kate! I can't live without her! Call the Papal Knights!"

"…this isn't Tethe'alla," Anna muttered, finally realizing who was clinging to her, and shoved Clive out of the way. "And I'm calling the police. This is going way too far."

Clive giggled. "Police? If they do not believe in the voodoo, they will find nothing. If they do, they will understand. Pointless to inform the police."

Everyone stared at Clive. "Who's that?" Zelos asked.

"…I don't care, Clive," Anna said, pulling out her cell phone and dialing 911. "I'm still calling them anyway."

About ten minutes later, the police arrived. They haphazardly took down Dipsy, breaking one of the blades. It landed on one of the officers, then fell of the ground, cleaving one of the rabbits in half.

One of the officers walked up to the group, eyeing Lala suspiciously. "Well, we know who did it," he said in an extremely monotone voice.

Anna blinked. "Wait, you already know? What about DNA testing?"

The officer shrugged. "On the victim's back, the words 'I DID IT—PO' were carved. Chances are it's actually him."

Everyone slowly nodded in agreement. Clive blinked, not knowing what was going on. Soon, the last of the investigators were gone, saying that they would catch Po within the week; the evidence was apparently so obvious that a toddler could track him down.

After another minute of silence, Clive turned around to face Anna. "So, like," he mumbled, inching closer, "you really are here because you want to? He's not forcing you?"

She nodded. "That and I still get paid for watching the four—oh, uh, one."

Clive sighed, then pondered for a minute. "That's weird. Your mother told me that Jerk-Face was holding you hostage or whatever."

Anna groaned. "Come on, even you're smart enough to figure out that she lied. Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea."

Lala squeaked. "So like," she said, inching towards Kratos slowly, "what should we do? Should we investeegate ourselves, or let the…the…popo handle it?"

Anna sighed, looking at the Teletubbie rather oddly. "Where did you learn that, Lala?"

She smiled. "I've heard Po use it a couple times after we watch cop shows, like CSI and stuff."

Anna sighed again and put her hand up to her forehead. Clive's eyes bulged, and his mouth dropped slightly. "…I just thought of something," he announced, closing his mouth. When all eyes were on him, he smacked himself in the face. "Why hadn't I thought of it before?"

"What?" Zelos said.

Clive giggled. "Have you ever noticed how if you add 'tron' to the end of a word, it turns into a Transformer's name?"

Anna groaned. Kratos, who didn't know what a Transformer was but figured what Clive said was totally useless, sighed. Zelos, who still didn't know who Clive was, blinked and stared. Lala giggled. "You're so right! That's smart thinking."

Clive cackled triumphantly, until Anna asked, "That's nice and all, but how does this help us in any way?"

He stopped laughing, then muttered. "Joy kill."

"Anyway," Anna continued, ignoring Clive, "I think it'd be best that we just leave things alone until something else happens. And you," she added, turning to the freak next to her, "Clive, you can go home."

Clive blinked. "Me? Why? I've helped out this whole time!"

"…by announcing how to come up with Transformer names? Oh yeah, you've helped out a lot."

He flushed beet red. "W-well, what about junior year in high school when your ex was harassing you?"

Anna sighed. "Clive, you tried to use the Vulcan Death Grip on him, and ended up breaking your nose and Harry Potter glasses."

"Yeah, that's why I got contacts!" In truth, Clive was wearing glasses, and they were taped together haphazardly, making him look more like a hobo.

"…hey, here's a tip, loser," Zelos said, clapping a hand on Kratos' back. "When a lady asks you to leave, you do it. No complaining."

Clive stuck out his lower lip, and his eyes started to well up. "I'll be back!" he bawled, and proceeded to run out the door. But the door was in the completely other direction from where he was running, so he ending up running into and flipping over the machine that made the Tubby Custard. He disappeared from view, and all that was heard was a small, shocked gasp. A minute later, he reemerged and ran the right way, still crying loudly.

"Oh, my," Lala said rather sadly, watching the door close. "Don't you think that was a bit harsh?"

"Not at all," Anna said passively, picking up a couch cushion off the floor and putting it where it belonged. "Anything less than that, he'll think you're just kidding around, and he'll be even worse."

There was a small crash, ether sounding like plates breaking, or a window breaking. A second of looking around, and Kratos saw a small hole in one of the windows. When he turned around, he saw no one was paying attention, ("So lades," Zelos said, thrusting his palm forward, "if you're attacked in a dark alley, aim for the groin or the stomach.") so he walked over by the glass to look for what had broken the window. He saw a small wad of paper, and bent over to pick it up. He unfolded it, and by this time, Lala was lacing her arms around Kratos' waist, Zelos by his legs, and Anna was trying look over his shoulder.

"What's that?" Lala asked, squeezing tighter.

"…not sure," Kratos replied, flipping the paper over and giving it to Anna.

"It's just a few twenty percent off coupons at Culvers," she said, pointing at the paper. "There's nothing on the back."

"Oooh, can we use it!" Lala asked, flailing like a fish out of water. "I'm huuuuungry!"

"What about Tubby Custard? You love that stuff."

"The idiot decided to break it when he flipped over it," Zelos pointed out, jerking his head at the now smoldering machine.

Anna sighed. "Fine. But you can't come with."

Lala threw a tantrum. "Why noooot?"

"Because you don't work very well in crowds. And besides, do you want to be pelted with food trays and the occasional soda?"

Lala pouted, and lunged for Kratos' arm. "Fine, but he stays with me!" However, Kratos had sidestepped, missing the attack and made the Teletubbie fall flat on her face.

Anna stared at the bulky, yellows mass. "How 'bout no. Both are gonna come with." She turned to Kratos and Zelos. "That is, if you want to."

Zelos quickly nodded, spinning around in place. "I need to get out of this place badly, and go pick up some chicks! And me and my buddy Kratos here work like this." He crossed his fingers together, grabbing Kratos by the shoulder and pulled him close. "And when some lube gets thrown in the mix, magical things happen, sweetheart. Magical things."

"Oooh!" Lala clapped her hands together. "You mean like Harry Potter?"

Zelos blinked, glaring at Lala for killing the moment. "…sure. I don't even know who that is."

"It doesn't matter," Anna hurriedly said, waving Lala off. "What about you, Kratos?"

"…I suppose I could join you," he said, pushing Zelos off of him.

Anna clapped her hands together, causing the nearby Noo-Noo to spazz out and fall on its side. "Great!" she said, pulling out her keys from her pocket. "Let's get going."

"Waaaaait!" Lala cried, reaching over to the vacuum and putting it back the right way, "I want three double butterburgers, two chocolate concretes, and a large Pepsi. And if it's Diet I'll kick your ass."

Zelos blinked at the threat. Anna simply rolled her eyes and turned to walk out. "Right, right. Anyway," she continued, pulling a grey hoodie over her black recycling tee, "Shall we get going? If we wait, the place is going to be swarming with people."

Lala waved them off. "Bye bye! Have fun!" She giggled, then shot Anna a really odd glare. It was probably sending a message that read "you do anything funny with them and I'll shank you with a turkey baster," as Anna totally ignored the Teletubbie and walked in the direction of the parking lot. The other two soon followed.

Thank you for waiting for a full year now for an update. Those of you who still stuck around, anxiously waiting for the next chapter, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those who are new, I do hope you'll stick around for the rest of this.

Because there's no way in HELL I am done yet.

Review, please? Doing so will automatically delete yourself from Clive's AIM list. Even if you don't have one. You'll still be on it.