Before, part two

Derek rubbed the back of his head as he walked out of Garcia's room, in the ICU, and approached Reid, who he had noticed walking up.

Reid asked "How is she?"

"She's sleeping again. She sleeps a lot. The pain meds knock her out."

Reid nodded. His face was drawn and worry creased his features.

Derek stared into the distance for a moment then shook his head, trying to dislodge bad memories. He turned and looked through the glass at Penelope.

To Reid he said "Thanks for coming by to stay with her but she's not awake and I'm here anyway. I can stay-"

"You need to go home and get a few hours sleep- Hotch's orders."

Derek let out a hissing breath. He felt so useless. Sleep was the last thing he wanted. Plus he was so tired, stressed, miserable and worried he knew he wasn't even safe to drive himself home. His mind seemed to be going at half speed, at best, and all he wanted was to find out this was all one big nightmare he was having- not the reality of what happened to his baby girl.

What had happened on his watch.

Derek stared at Penelope some more as he told Reid "She says she forgives me. It was wrong of me to ask her but I had to."

Reid nodded. He nods to encourage further conversation whether or not he understands what the person is trying to say or if he agrees or not. Derek appreciated his friend these days more than ever because Reid was there to listen to all Derek's rambling words of guilt and pain.

Derek asked Reid, after a moment's pause, "Do you think she thought of me when she saw him raise the gun? Or when she was holding her breath and pretending to be dead? Do you think she thought: Morgan will come and save me?"

"No, she knew we were on a case."

Derek spun around and beat the wall with both hands. "Ahhh! I hate this!"

"If you lose it then she will too. She looks to you for strength."

"She told me about that date so I would stop it! I did nothing!"

"Maybe she told you just to tell you because you are her friend. The same as she would tell any of us."

"She didn't tell anyone. She told me! At first she was going to keep it a secret but I got it out of her. She wanted me to step up but I didn't. If I stepped up she would be healthy right now."

"She will be healthy again."

Derek nodded. "Go home, Reid. You get some sleep. I'm staying here."

"Hotch said-"

"I don't give a damn what he said." Derek walked back into the hospital room and went back to Penelope's bedside, staring at her with pain in his eyes for all she was suffering and how he couldn't stand to leave her long enough to track this guy down. Every time he left he rushed back within an hour.

Here he sat while she slept. Out there he chased his tail looking for a man who used an alias and was cold hearted enough to shoot the sweetest person he knew. No matter where Derek was now he felt utterly useless.

XXXXXXXXX

Hours later Derek stood outside of Penelope's room again. This time he had his cell to his ear. JJ was in with Penelope.

Derek was talking to his mother on the phone. "She's hanging in there, Ma. They say her numbers look good...yeah, I will...Love you too, Ma...Okay."

Not long after he hung up JJ walked out of the hospital room. "She says she wants me to take you home and make sure you get something to eat on the way there."

Derek gave JJ a stern look and walked past her into the room. He softened his expression for Penelope. "Hey, baby girl, you trying to get rid of me already?"

"Go home. Get some sleep, my love. Refresh. I'm fine."

"Hey, sweetheart, I don't have anywhere better to be, I promise, but right here with you till you're out of here."

"This isn't a request. Its an order. Go."

Derek let out a long breath, hissing through his teeth. He looked down.

Penelope said "I know you're worried about me. Don't make me worry about you right now. I'm having a really bad hair day. That's all the stress I can handle at the moment."

He gave her a sad smile. "All right. I'll go for now."

"Promise me you'll go home and not into the office."

After a long pause he said "I'll go home." He pressed a kiss to her forehead and left. He stopped and said to JJ "I'll take a cab. You stay with her. Check and make sure the gaurd is on duty before you leave."

"Rossi will come and stay with her when I go."

Derek grimaced at that.

JJ said "It will be fine. Trust us. We all love her too."

He nodded and walked toward the elevator. Hating himself for leaving her there and yet knowing he would only add to her stress if he stayed, because she was concerned for his health at this time too. He knew he was just overly tired, pissed off, terrified, angry and emotionally torn asunder. He wasn't in bad shape like her but she saw his pain and wanted to heal him.

She was amazing that way. And it took almost losing her, first to his fear of that other guy- a guy he would see dead one way or the other before this was done- and then to a bullet that made Derek wake up and realize all his feelings for her weren't the kind you pushed aside over frat rules and a desire to play the field.

A real man would put her first. For every day of the rest of his life, no matter if she loved him back or not, whatever happened, he was going to do that in the best way he could possible.