Thanks for your reviews! I hope you keep them coming. The story really picks up from here.
Chapter Thirteen
Secrets
For the first time in three days, Sam felt clear-headed. The haze of narcotics now mostly gone, he could finally think. He didn't want to complain about being alive, because hell, no one expected him to be, even him, but he had too much time on his hands. Confined to his hospital bed, he wondered if the surgery was worth it, or if the cancer would come back, or if Dr. Shephard was able to remove it all in the first place. Immobile for the most part, the hospital staff had told him they couldn't take new scans until Sam was able to be transported to the machine. That was supposed to happen tomorrow.
But mostly, he thought of his conversation with Dr. Holland that morning. Surprised to be woken from his morning nap—sleep was all he did lately—Sam was met by his oncologist, who he hadn't seen since a week before the surgery.
"Guess I've gotta be wrong sometimes," she'd joked, referring to her hesitance to continue treating him.
From there, she'd gone straight to business.
"I'm very happy that Dr. Shephard was able to complete the surgery," she said. "But there's still a big issue here, and that's your liver. I've heard you're supposed to get new CT scans tomorrow, so we'll look at the status of the liver tumors then. We'll want to do an abdominal ultrasound, too."
"Do I have to start that damn chemo and radiation again?" he'd asked her, through with being poked and prodded.
"Maybe. And if you do, we're going to keep you at the same dose, to aggressively fight the tumors, or at least keep them at bay. They're manageable right now, but I don't want to see them get any worse."
"What do you mean maybe I'll go back on chemo and maybe I won't?"
Dr. Holland hesitated, drawing a sharp breath but no words escaping her mouth. Finally, "Remember when you were first diagnosed with the liver cancers and I told you they were our second priority, behind the spine?"
On Sam's nod, she continued. "Now that the spinal tumors are most likely taken care of, or at least small enough that we could continue to treat them, we need to face the reality in the liver. The tumors there are localized but are now unresectable, meaning that a surgeon most likely wouldn't be able to remove the entire mass without doing severe, irreparable damage to the organ."
After so much treatment and one extremely risky surgery, this was the last sort of news Sam wanted to hear. Hadn't his luck just about run out?
The man let out a deep sigh; he wished that doctors weren't always so concerned with his feelings and would go straight to the point instead.
"I'm no doctor, but can't the liver like… regrow itself or something?"
Dr. Holland nodded. "The liver is the only organ in the body that can regenerate itself. What we can start now is to get you on the UNOS list and keep the tumors under control with your treatments. Then when a liver becomes available, we give you the transplant you need."
"Seriously?" Sam managed, dreading the upcoming tests and money a transplant would surely require. "It's that bad?"
Dr. Holland nodded morosely. "Well, there is another option, and that's what's called a living transplant. Basically, we take a portion of the living-related donor's liver and give it to you. There are a myriad of tests that determine if someone is a match to you."
"Living-related?" Sam managed, coming to a conclusion he didn't want to. "As in family?"
"Usually a family member is the best option if they're a match, but it doesn't have to be. If someone meets the requirements, passes a batch of tests and is willing to donate part of their liver to you, then they're just as good."
Sam dropped his forehead into his hands. "Where do we start? With the whole living-related thing?"
Dr. Holland stood up, jotting some notes on Sam's chart. "Well, we'd start with a blood test to determine if the living-related potential donor's blood is compatible with your type. And we take it from there."
"And what about the first thing you talked about. UNOS, or whatever? How long does that take?"
Dr. Holland shifted on her feet, unsure. "It depends. It can take a month, or it can take years. And we don't want it to take years. Do you have anyone you're willing to ask for a partial donation?"
Sam gave a vague, "Maybe."
Knowing his luck, Sam thought after saying goodbye to Dr. Holland, Kate would be a match. She'd already given him enough. He didn't want to take anything else.
Kate had deliberately avoided every chance of being alone with Jack that presented itself since she'd kissed him after Sam's surgery. She was having a difficult time wrapping her head around it—why had she been so bold? It was embarrassing.
To Jack's credit, he'd chosen to focus on Sam's recovery and answering any questions they might have, instead of teasing her about the kiss. But she knew the peace wouldn't last forever, and while she mostly dreaded the imminent conversation, there was a small part of her that couldn't wait to get it over with.
Sam had sensed a new layer of awkwardness between them. It hadn't taken him long to return to his normal, wisecracking self, but so far he hadn't questioned them. Kate was waiting for that, too. The man could only keep his emotions bottled up for so long, before they tended to burst out of him at the most inappropriate times.
Over the past few days she'd grown to memorize the décor of the hospital—pale green walls, spotless white tile, that smell that never quite went away, a certain doctor who never quite went away…
She strode quickly through the first floor, eyeing the elevator, thankful she was the only one waiting. She was in no mood to be crammed inside with a bunch of other bodies.
When the silver doors opened, she took a step in, and came face to face with Jack. It was precisely the type of situation she'd been aiming to avoid.
Deciding that smacking her hand against her forehead or running off the elevator weren't the best solutions, she offered a meager "Hi," instead.
"Twelfth floor?" he asked, and on Kate's affirmation, pressed the circular button. "Sam's doing better today. I'm hoping we'll be able to get him moving a bit tomorrow so we can get him to the CT, see if there's anything left in the spine."
"Okay," Kate said, avoiding his eyes, afraid of what she'd do now that they were alone again. "That's good."
The elevator crept upward, even more slowly than Kate had anticipated it would feel. Why couldn't she think of anything to say?
"So, uh… can I ask you something?" Jack said, planning to go ahead even if she said no.
Kate knew what was coming; her heart began to race and she glanced at her fingernails, hoping to find something to distract her.
"Depends. If it's what I think you're going to ask about, then no."
Ignoring her request, Jack forced his question out. "About the other afternoon—after Sam's surgery."
Kate remained silent. Jack hoped he wouldn't have to spell it out for her, but she wasn't budging.
"You kissed me."
Her eyes were now closed. Maybe if she pretended it wasn't happening, she wouldn't have to deal with it.
"Okay," Jack sighed. "Do you happen to be feeling anything about that? Because I feel like you're going to try to back out of it, say that you were 'too emotional,' or whatever excuse you've thought up. And I'm telling you right now that I won't believe it for a second."
"I was too emotional!" Kate retorted.
Jack shrugged and leaned against the back wall of the elevator, casually. "I don't believe it, just like I told you."
"I told you not to read too much into it," Kate spat, crossing her arms in front of her. Why'd he have to be so stubborn?
"Oh yeah, you're right. All of my patients' family members kiss me after I finish operating," Jack said sarcastically. "It's standard etiquette."
"Shut up," she muttered, unwilling to admit she found his comments amusing.
"I can't explain it—"
"I can," Jack cut in, pressing the 'close doors' button when they'd reached the twelfth floor, effectively trapping Kate with him. He stood in front of her, using his height to his advantage, closer than two people might normally stand in an elevator.
"I saved your father, just like I promised you I would, and yeah, you were really happy about that. I get it. But that's not why you kissed me. It's this whole combination of things that you won't let yourself feel, Kate, but now you can't use the excuse that anything happening between us would cause a distraction. Now you're even more freaked out that something's gonna happen, and you're just too stubborn to admit that I could make your life better."
His words were harsh, and made Kate want to shrink into a ball and cry. Coupled with Sam's recovery, her limitations were being tested.
"Wanna tell me what other character flaws I have? Or are you done?" She glared at him. Perhaps since she couldn't defend herself against anything he said had made his words hurt more. The truth hurt.
"They're—they're not always flaws. I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just trying to get you to see that there's something to this. I'm not completely crazy, despite the fact that I've basically trapped you inside an elevator. I wanted to say all of that before you could write me off or avoid me like you've been doing for the past few days. Obviously I'm okay with what happened the other day. Happy about it, even."
Absorbing his words and deciding he really meant no harm, Kate gave him a firm nod. "Okay."
Jack sighed, fearing his speech had little effect. "That's it? Okay?"
A hint of a smile finally appeared on Kate's lips as Jack let the elevator doors open to the twelfth floor. "Yeah. For now."
"You," Jack said airily, "are the most frustrating person I've ever met."
Jack waited until he was sure Kate had left Sam's room for the day before he went in to have a talk with the man.
"Dr. Shephard, my hero," Sam joked when he saw the doctor walk through the door. "You just missed Kate."
"I know," he replied, checking Sam's IVs.
"She told me the two of you kissed."
Jack stopped in his tracks, doubtful that Kate would say such a thing when she could hardly admit it to herself.
Flustered, he blurted out, "What?"
Sam laughed, and if the circumstances were different Jack would've been glad to hear it.
"Nah, I'm just kidding. I got one of the nurses to rat you out. Said she saw you in the break room. Can't say I'm surprised though."
If Sam was surprised, then Jack had no idea how to react. It was something he'd never experienced—a woman's father wanting him to be his daughter so badly. Usually it was the other way around.
"I won't tease you about it too much. Just wanted to tell you that I knew."
"Okay," Jack said, trying to brush off the comment and how uncomfortable it made him. "Now about your visit with Dr. Holland… I'm guessing she's told you what's coming up?"
Sam sighed; he'd only just managed to forget about that. "Yeah. Guess you guys have been having little powwows behind my back?"
"Never," Jack joked. "When does she want to operate on the tumors?"
Sam cocked his head back, shocked that Jack wasn't up-to-date on his prognosis. "She just told me that they couldn't remove the tumors with damaging my liver too much. She's putting me on the UNOS list, Dr. Shephard. And something about a living-related donor—"
"Kate?" he asked, stunned at the news. Last time he'd talked to Dr. Holland, she'd made it seem like the operation to remove the tumors would be a simple one.
"Who else? If she's a match, and if she's willing to do it."
Maybe that would explain her silence in the elevator. Maybe she'd already found out somehow.
"Does she know?"
Sam shook his head. "I don't wanna ask her. It's the last thing I want to do."
"Wow," Jack said. Right then he realized how much he cared for Kate. He was scared for her and what she'd have to go through if she ended up being a match for Sam. "When are you going to bring this up?"
"I dunno. I'm stalling as long as I can. And I know that you're getting closer with her, but I don't want you telling her either. I need you to pretend like everything's fine."
As if it was the theme of the night, Jack nodded his head, giving Sam the chance to tell Kate himself. "Okay."
Up next: Kate admits some things to Jack. And will she find out about Sam's liver dilemma? ;)