Avatar: I do not own Smoker, Tashigi, or any other character mentioned here. I only own the contents of this story.
A Winner Is Two: Where There's Smoke…
Conclusion
Retirement
"It's been pretty quiet these past few days," Tashigi sighed, absentmindedly polishing her sword for what had to be the fifth time today. She got up from her perch on the ship's railing, stretched, and then sat down again.
"Is it any wonder?" a blonde marine replied, swabbing the deck. "We're locked up in some crazy HQ without the Commodore, with nothing to do but occasionally move some boxes, and keep the ship clean. And there's no point to the boxes."
"I'm sure there's a point to the boxes," Tashigi said.
"The boxes were empty!" another marine complained. "I saw!"
"Hey, don't talk like that to the Officer!" the first marine shouted back. The second hung his head in shame.
Tashigi sighed. "There aren't even as many of the other Enforcers around to color things. Travis and Joruus were annoying, but they were changes of pace. They're both out and about… and Jade and Shadow have both been avoiding people lately."
"Shadow's a weird one," the first marine grumbled. "I don't trust him. What exactly is he?"
"Whaddya mean?" the second one asked. "It's gotta be a Zoan-type Devil's Fruit."
"All the Devil's Fruit users I know wear pants," the first one shot back. Tashigi stifled a laugh.
"What Devil's Fruit users do you know besides me?" Tashigi turned around just in time to see Smoker swing himself over the railing, his boots audibly thudding against the deck. A long, cylindrical bag was draped diagonally across his back.
"Smoker!" Tashigi was startled, but not unhappy. The other Marines on deck seemed pleased, too, judging from their shouts of "Commodore! The Commodore's back!"
Smoker didn't look overly thrilled, though. His eyes, when they were visible between the smoke from his cigars, were shadowed from fatigue and a bit haunted-looking. They scanned the crew warily before coming to rest on Tashigi's face. "Hang on, I brought something," he said. He swung the bag over his shoulder and slammed it down on the deck, unzipping it hastily.
Tashigi blinked when he revealed a colorfully-sheathed greatsword from the bag, gingerly gripping it by the guard as he laid it out on the floor. "Where'd you get this, Smoker?"
"One of the contestants… he came after me." Tashigi could tell this wasn't the whole story. Smoker was a piss-poor liar, mostly because he preferred to say exactly what was on his mind. "It's a nice sword, so I thought you'd be interested. It'd be a shame to let it go to waste out in the jungle, but there's something fishy about it… I don't think you should touch the handle without gloves."
"You bet there's something fishy about this blade." Tashigi pulled up her glasses and inspected the sheathe, guard, and pommel carefully. "It's the Sandy Broadsword, Anwar."
"The contestant called himself Anwar," Smoker said with a frown.
Smoker's shadow of a flinch after using the past tense of "called" clued Tashigi in on what had happened, but she ignored it for the moment. "I'm not surprised. This sword's really cursed – it's supposed to render the heart of its wielder blank. You're lucky you didn't try and draw it from the scabbard; you could've gotten mindwiped yourself."
"Good to know." Tashigi noticed that Smoker had pulled something else from the bag; it was his jutte, but it had been torn in two.
"What happened?"
"Another contestant," Smoker said. "Listen, Tashigi, I need you to have the troops start packing up. We're leaving tomorrow at sunrise."
"What?! Is the tournament over?"
"It is for us."
"You're bailing on this?"
"I'll take all the heat for leaving. You and the crew will be fine; it's me HQ hates and they'll demote me back down to Captain at worst."
"Smoker, this isn't like you."
"Are you questioning my decisions?" Tashigi clammed up very quickly. "This isn't some kind of sick game with pirates and prisoners, Tashigi. This is some kind of sick game with real people. I fought two people – killed one accidentally, Tashigi! – and neither was a criminal!"
"They could have been lying to you," Tashigi said meekly.
Smoker shook his head vigorously. "I'm sick of us damning ourselves by association here. It's time I went and talked to the guys in charge." He had emptied out the rest of the contents of his bag by now – some spare pants, a spare jacket, some dried food and a spare box of cigars – and leapt off the boat. "I'll be in touch via Den Den Mushi if there's any change of plans. Otherwise, we leave at dawn."
Tashigi sighed and checked the large digital clock mounted on the cavern wall. 4:07 PM. "You heard the Commodore," she said. "Start getting us ready to sail. I'll go fetch the rest of the crew."
"So we're really leaving, then?"
"I'm not sure, yet," Tashigi confessed. "He might still be convinced to stay. But we should start packing all the same – if we do leave, he won't tolerate lateness."
---
Ofdensen was on the phone when Smoker kicked the door to his office open. As if he had been fired out of a cannon, the man sprung out of his seat and over the desk, and landed in a slight crouch with his hand poised to strike at Smoker's throat. Smoker, for his part, had begun to dissipate the moment Ofdensen got within an arm's reach of him. "Oh, it's just, ah, you, Smoker. Please knock when the door is closed." The dropped phone was droning a repeated and eerily calm "hello?", and Ofdensen quickly returned to his desk and picked it up. "Hello… I'm fine… no, it was the door… I'll have to call you right back." He hung up. "Since you're here, I need you to go deal with Robotnik. He stole Mystique's base and keycard, and neither she nor Shadow seem to be able to deal with the problem."
"Have Travis deal with it, or that crazy old man," Smoker said. "I'm-"
"They're both dead, Smoker."
Smoker felt his blood go a bit cold. "What?"
"Travis was double-teamed by two Contestants and killed the day before your fight with Ban. Joruus let his hubris get the better of him and was killed mere hours ago. Actually, this is yours now." Ofdensen planted a backpack on the table.
"What's this?"
"It's Travis's belongings. He had no next-of-kin, no friends, no surviving family except a twin brother with no listed address or telephone… you're the person he interacted with most here, and he said he "owed you one", didn't he? So, uh, here's his stuff."
Smoker unzipped it. Spare clothes that certainly wouldn't fit him (not even the single glove), hair gel, toothbrush, a black metal rod inscribed with the text "Blood Berry", some technology he had no idea how to use, a cat collar, and a three-inch stack of pornographic cartoon books. "I don't need it," he sighed, pushing it back across the table.
Ofdensen put it in a drawer on his desk. "Now, I'm going to need you, Incredible, and Kakashi to recover all lost Gold-class keycards on the island while Jade, Jiraiya, and Shadow remain here at headquarters. A dangerous individual named Deadpool has somehow managed to sneak onto the island, and –"
"I quit."
"And, and… excuse me?"
"I don't know what sick kind of sport you're playing, Ofdensen, but I finally figured out that you've been lying to me about it. You've been lying to Incredible, too, and I'm guessing everybody else as well – just a different lie for each of us, isn't it?!" Smoker tossed his keycard down on the desk. "I've had it up to fucking here with you guys. Send whatever kind of recommendation you want back to HQ – I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm taking my crew, and I'm leaving tomorrow morning."
Ofdensen sighed, and pulled a bottle of brandy and two snifters from another drawer on his desk. "Brandy?"
"No, fuck you," Smoker grumbled. The 'fuck you' was in fact only implied, but it was still quite obvious.
Ofdensen poured him some anyway, and poured some for himself, which he took a large sip from. "You're absolutely right, Smoker. This whole thing has been a web of lies, and not an easy one to keep up. We are genuinely in the wrong here, and it's about time one of you called us out on it. However… there is a much greater threat on this island now, and we're going to need your help with it. All I ask is this – take a walk for a couple of hours. Cool off. Think things over. Talk to me again tonight – Solidus and I will be in the VIP mess hall at 7:00 for dinner. If you still want to quit, I'll lower the shields so you can leave in the morning. Or you can stay… and I'll tell you everything. Tashigi too." Ofdensen passed the keycard back across the table. "Think about it."
Smoker downed the brandy all at once, pocketed the keycard, and squinted at the BORED member for a good long minute. "Alright." He turned on his heel and marched out, slamming the door shut.
Ofdensen finished his brandy and put that away as well, noting with annoyance that the door was now hanging off one hinge. This wouldn't do at all. He picked the phone back up and hit 'redial'. "Kirei, is the main control panel up yet? We have a situation."
---
Ofdensen had told Smoker to cool off, so he had gone to the coolest part of the mountain – below the treeline, where volcanic smoke began to seriously impede the growth of living things, but above the elevation where deciduous trees gave way to conifers. He sat cross-legged on a carpet of pine needles in various stages of decay and considered his options.
It normally wouldn't have taken him long to reach a conclusion, but he got the feeling he was being watched. "I know you're there," he said. He actually wouldn't have bet on it, but if nobody was there, than it wouldn't matter anyway, would it?
His gut feeling proved correct – a figure dropped from the trees. He was wearing a red and black bodysuit that covered him entirely, and even covered his eyes with white lenses of some sort. "You're pretty good," he said playfully.
"What are you supposed to be?" Smoker growled. He felt half-naked without his jutte, but he had his cigars. That was something.
"People call me Deadpool."
Smoker's eyes flashed. The man Ofdensen said was dangerous! Then again, Ofdensen was a liar, as were Solidus and Sakyo. Smoker remained tense, but didn't make a move. "Why do they call you that?"
"I dunno, some sort of swimming reference. Plus that's what I write on my nametags, checks, mailbox, and public restrooms, and I introduce myself as Deadpool. Can I have a cigar?"
"No."
"Okay. You wouldn't wanna see me without my mask anyway. Whatcha doin' out here, dude? Do they not allow smoking indoors here?"
"Don't call me 'dude'," Smoker said, blowing twin streams of smoke from his nostrils. He inhaled, and then answered genuinely. "I'm trying to decide whether to quit my job or not."
"Well, my dad always used to say – when he wasn't shooting stray dogs and old people, that is – he always used to say, 'Pool… (he called me Pool back then, back when I was a wee Deadite)…' uh, where was I going with this?" Smoker opened his mouth to respond, but Deadpool pressed onward. "Oh yeah. He said, 'Pool, dying is easy. Quitting is hard.' No, wait, he said 'Quitting is easy. Keeping at it is hard.' Then he died of emphysema. What I'm trying to say is it's a filthy habit, Mister Dude."
"Sometimes, quitting is hard," Smoker said quietly. Then, louder, "call me Commodore."
"Alright, Commodore Mister Dude. You know, you remind me of my friend Wolverine. He also smokes cigars, occasionally gets drunk, always gets angry, has superpowers, goes out whoring, fought in World War II, smells like wet dog, has black hair in a weird shape…" (Deadpool was counting on his fingers now) "…lives forever, trained as a samurai, and starred in four hit movies." Smoker was staring at him incredulously. Deadpool put his eleventh finger away. "What?"
"None of those fit me at all except the first three… or four… how do you know I have powers anyway?"
"Well… uh…" Deadpool leaned down really close. "Wanna fight?"
"No!" Smoker backhanded Deadpool away and sent him sprawling. "Normally, yes, I'd beat you like a drum, but I'm not in the mood." He rubbed his forehead and glared. "Don't you have something you should be doing?"
"Oh, right! Yeah! Later, Commodore Mister Chaser Dude!" Deadpool ran off into the trees.
"Huh… he really was nuts. I guess Ofdensen was telling the truth there… but he didn't seem all that dangerous."
---
As soon as Deadpool was sure he was well out of earshot, he ducked behind a tree and pulled out his communicator. "He didn't attempt to capture me at all," Deadpool said in a considerably more sultry voice than usual.
"Then he's failed his last test," Solidus replied solemnly.
By now, Deadpool's mask had completely faded into Mystique's blue skin. "You're sure I'll get Smoker's gold card for this?"
"Absolutely."
"Good. I don't want to imitate Deadpool again. It makes my head hurt. Over and out." Mystique closed her communicator, looked up, and froze dead away. Deadpool – the real McCoy – stood right in front of her. "Shit."
"Next time, remember that I'm not wearing any pants," the mercenary deadpanned. "You were pretty good, though." Then he gave an eye-smile through his mask similar to one Kakashi would give, flashed her the 'peace' sign, and vanished with a teleport noise that was distinctly not 'bamf'.
---
When Kirei Kotomine checked in at Metropolis's brand-new fusion power plant, no eyebrows were raised. He was an investor backed by some church or another, and Lex Luthor had arrived in his limo ten minutes ago, so he was probably looking for additional monetary backing on some project. At best, it would revolutionize medicine or something; at worst, it would just be another failed attempt to kill Superman.
They met up near the elevator on the ground floor, and Lex excused himself to use the bathroom. When he came out, a tanned man in an orange suit was behind him. "Why do I have to be the one to do this?" he grumbled, pocketing a red-and-white marble. "Just because my business affairs this afternoon were illegitimate doesn't mean they were any less urgent."
"Yes, but you own three of a creature that puts the teleportation technology of every other member of our organization to shame," Lex replied curtly. "This should take less than an hour anyway." He led them into the elevator and moved to the control panel, which listed floors from B2 to 5. He pulled out a BOARD platinum keycard and slid it into an unmarked slot, then pressed the button for floor 4. The ride was very smooth and quick, but an observant passenger would notice it was decidedly downward. "Please excuse the mess. This wing is new."
This new level was very clean and sterile, well-lit and polished white. However, there were still missing panels in the walls, doors being painted by small robots, and the like. Luthor led the way down the hallway for some distance, stopping at the final left. He led them into a room marked with what appeared to be an oak set of double doors, but had the weight of something else entirely. The room inside was nearly identical to the Pinnacle room on Grand Cross Isle, only the walls were thick with maps, charts, graphs, and a whiteboard. The information contained on them detailed militaries, espionage agencies, trade routes, and myriad other subjects. They were all but indecipherable. "You didn't want to build this room in Lexcorp?" Kirei asked.
"Why associate this more with my other affairs than I have to? Besides, whatever else the Lexcorp tower is, it's not appropriate as the nerve core for BORED." He strode past the table to a control panel, muttering under his breath about the building's aerodynamics. Kirei and Giovanni joined him, and each slid their keycards into one of three slots.
The machine hummed to life, and a large screen on top flashed "Lotus Eater" before switching to a display of the Earth. "Kirei, operate the joystick and zoom lens. Giovanni, tell me if any of those readings spike…"
---
In high orbit over the planet, Earth's largest flower began to bloom.
It was a large, squat rod, made of a dark grey metal that was hardly visible against the blackness of space. Both ends were pointed, and the end pointing toward deep space was longer and wider.
Suddenly, the narrow end was ablaze with blue and red winking lights as Lex's signal beamed up to it. Shuddering, the wide end began to peel itself like an onion, slowly unfolding, revealing its true shape. Inside, the wide end's segments were mirrored solar panels, each glowing richly as they absorbed the sun's rays. Fully unfolded, the satellite resembled nothing so much as an elegant lotus flower, each "petal" a curved triangular solar panel thirty feet in length. Together, each inclining for maximum sun exposure, they quickly gathered a massive dose of solar energy and funneled it into the center of the machine.
Two of a ring of small jets set around the satellite's "stem" engaged, tilting the chassis ever so slightly before their two opposite numbers kicked in to stop the rotation. The narrow tip of the satellite now pointed exactly at a specific location on Grand Cross Isle. It lit up white as components spinning deep within the satellite began to work themselves into a frenzy. Within a few seconds, a massive, shining stream of white energy cascaded toward Earth like a meteor.
---
Smoker was almost ready to get up and give up. There was no way he could reconcile working with deceitful bastards like BORED – even the relatively reasonable ones like Ofdensen and occasionally Solidus. It was time to bring back the old Smoker – the one who had no problem telling superiors to eat shit so he could go pursue justice his way. Snapping back to reality, he noticed a redheaded woman with a very unusual skin tone slinking into his line of sight, at a moderate distance. He tensed to fight yet again, but then recognized her – Mystique, one of the other Enforcers – and relaxed a hair. "What're you doing here? Don't tell me they've sent you do get diplomatic with me?"
Mystique shrugged. "I was told I'd get a new keycard to replace the one I'd lost if I came here and followed the instructions."
Smoker tensed again. "I can't believe this… they're pitting two of us against each other?!"
She shook her head. "My instructions were just to watch for anything 'strange'." Smoker noticed a few Klokateers coming out of the forest behind her. "Although I didn't expect to have backup, so that already qualifies."
Smoker sighed and got up. "You won't have to wait long; I'm heading back to HQ." He was rubbing the back of his neck when he felt his ears pop painfully. "What was that?"
"The force field is down," Mystique murmured. "I'm calling them." She raised her walkie-talkie, but a Klokateer waved her down. "Since when is this your call?"
"Do you have a keycard that outranks mine?" the Klokateer replied curtly. Mystique glared but lowered the device, then blinked.
Smoker found himself blinking, too. It had just gone from being nearly sundown to noon in terms of ambient light. He looked up, and found a column of light fast approaching. "Well, shit."
---
Mystique recoiled and covered her eyes as a fifteen-foot-wide beam of white light struck the spot where Smoker was standing. There was no impact, no scream. There was only a blinding light, an ominous crackle accompanied with a gentle but unnerving tug at the base of her consciousness, and a rush of hot wind. And then, there was nothing. Smoker's location had been irrevocably purged. The ground was still there, but it was dead, hard and grey, and sprinkled with dust. All the grass and bushes were gone, as was the Enforcer.
"Laser cannon deth sentence…" one of the Klokateers remarked. Although they were normally the most stoic of the henchmen at BORED, they seemed rather impressed by the display of sheer power. One had even been brought to tears.
Mystique shuddered, and took a tentative step toward the desolation. Her walkie-talkie crackled to life, and she gripped it like a life preserver before remembering what it was. "Hello?" she asked, fighting to keep her voice steady.
"Mystique. Anything unusual to report?" Solidus asked. He sounded… almost jovial.
"The shield shorted out, and a stream of blinding light came and annihilated Commodore Smoker."
"Ah, I see. Well, that would have vaporized all organic matter on him, but I imagine his keycard remained undamaged. Recover it before anybody else can, and I'll entrust it to you for safekeeping."
"…I understand, sir. Over and out." The message was clear – Mystique was being rewarded for sticking with it, but they wanted her to know what would have happened had she chosen to openly go rogue.
---
Solidus sighed and exited the elevator, the boots of his exosuit clacking loudly against the floor. He didn't enjoy losing Smoker, but the man was a loose cannon, and a dangerously inspirational one at that. He had to be sacrificed to bring the remainder of the Enforcers back into line. "Warrant Officer Tashigi!" Solidus called.
Tashigi was directing some crates being loaded onto the ship. "Hmm?" She turned around. "Smoker?"
Solidus coughed nervously. "No, dear."
"Oh! I'm sorry!" She put on the red-framed glasses she was so well-known for. "Oh, hello, sir."
"Officer Tashigi, I have grave news. Smoker… has been killed in action." The look on her face was fascinating, but even Solidus's petrified heart cracked a bit looking at it.
Tashigi seemed to try to say several things, but nothing came out. Finally, in a small but hard voice she said, "are you sure?"
"Quite. He was blindsided by a dirty trick – he didn't get a chance to use his powers – and thrown into the waves. We had nobody out there who could respond fast enough." He looked away, appearing to blink back tears. "We will make every attempt to find you the body, but I can't guarantee anything. Be comforted that he died honorably, as a soldier."
"What… what can I do to help with the situation?" Tashigi asked faintly.
Solidus affixed her with his remaining eye. "The killer still runs free on the island. He's a very dangerous man named Deadpool, armed with several swords and likely several firearms, masked in red and black, blessed with the ability to heal any wound, and most of all, completely insane. If you so desire, we will equip you to help hunt him down. Otherwise, you and your men may continue home at your earliest convenience."
She swallowed. She was so young and inexperienced, not like her superior officer. Solidus seriously doubted she could capture Deadpool even if he could convince her to try. But if she did, it would be a nice surprise, and if she died, it would be that much less to worry about. "Give me time to think about it. I'll get back to you in a couple of hours."
"Of course. It's up to you to decide what is right." Solidus noticed a vibrating in his pocket, and turned back towards the elevator as he checked the cell phone. It had rather a small address book, considering it could only make calls within the island; right now, it was displaying "MYSTIQUE." He made sure the elevator doors had shut before answering. "You've found his keycard?"
"No."
"NO?!" Solidus punched a dent into the elevator doors – solid steel – before he was able to control himself. "What do you mean, 'no'?!" he hissed.
"It's not here. You're sure it wouldn't be vaporized?"
"Quite! The Lotus Eater was refined so it doesn't destroy inorganic matter anymore –" He realized who he was talking to, and took a deep breath, calming his heart. "Look, just keep searching. YOU are not going to be getting any other, so the responsibility falls to you to find it."
"Ugh… I'll keep searching. Maybe the resulting wind blew it off somewhere."
"You do that. Over and out." Solidus found himself swallowing a hard lump.
---
"So, the Lotus Eater, it's called. And it destroys organic matter. Fascinating." Jade looked sidelong at the spear leaning against the wall. He had a strong hunch that he'd get to use it soon.
End of Chapter
I apologize for all of the different ways Deadpool's 'eleventh finger' bit can be taken. Keep in mind he's being "played" by a shapeshifter, and there were eleven things on the list he rattled off.
Well, it's been revealed. The Lotus Eater here has nothing to do with the trope Lotus Eater Machine, but is in fact a large satellite death ray. But is it merely a beam that destroys organic matter (well, now it only destroys organic matter – they don't want to go cutting any more mountains in half), or is there more to it? Stay tuned!
Giovanni doesn't canonically have anything in the Abra evolution chain, but I figure he either has one of his own or obtained one from another Team Rocket member for the express purpose of teleporting.
Did Smoker die? Yes, unless you want him to survive. You see, Smoker is now up for adoption by any author as A ROGUE ENFORCER ONLY. He has a gold keycard already; his jutte's gone, but he's still got all his powers and a few cigars. If nobody adopts him before the end of the tournament, though, he's considered to have died a storyline death. Similarly, Tashigi will now be up for adoption as an Enforcer, and if she's taken, it means she's taken Solidus up on his offer.