Ulquiorra was a sensible, intelligent, and contrary to popular belief, independent Espada. He always knew what to do in what situation and when the right move was best used for his own killing finalized blow. So why then…was he looking at the door of this disgustingly trashy office of this disgustingly trashy ass psychiatrist? Ulquiorra was only beginning his decent forward because a certain SAMA told him to do so otherwise he would undergo Hueco Mundo's divine punishment. Which in lame men's terms meant he'd get his ass royal, spiritually, and severely kicked by Aizen sama himself, and as Ulquiorra truly believed in his black coated, black finger nail painted, mind he was all but too intelligent to disobey the man.

His lightly falling footsteps where all but silent as the jeers from Grimmjow made his jaw tighten and pale-as-a-ghost fist, clench in masked anger.

"Hey! Hey Uli! Don't go sexing up the dude's trash can you FREAK!" Ulquiorra spun around on one sandal covered heel, his breathing getting quite sharp and faster with his own failings to subdue his anger.

Unfortunately Jake had this social paranoia issue, wherein, he made the waiting room's walls slightly less thick then the normal average everyday walls for offices. He could in a sense, hear the entire going ons outside. So… by any chance that someone in the waiting room, who happened to be a reoccurring patient, did indeed say something negative about his own self sufficing business he'd diagnose their ass with bipolarism, or something equally as bad which would undoubtedly put the said person out of a job and possibly ruin their lives forever, and have them sent to the pretty white house with the nice men in white coats. He did admit…straight jackets did have a certain alluring appeal to them that Jake sometimes wondered if he himself had a bondage fetish. So it came as no surprise that when he heard the brutish outburst from Grimmjow that he wanted to hang himself, because yes, his next patient was another fucking nut case.

Ulquiorra stamped his foot, rather roughly, on the tiled black and white checker board flooring so that the room below them which unfortunately was a dentist office –a nice business off to a good start- was affected in a way that the ceiling crumbled a bit and the patient who was waiting for a diagnose on a rather nasty root canal got hit directly in the face with a piece of plaster, and would without a second's notice, nor calculating glance at the building infrastructure, pass charges on the owner of the business. So much for being successful…

"I told you I do not have a trash fetish…Grimmjow." Ulquiorra responded his voice like ice needles about to stab its prey with the same, or just as equal, ferocity and power as that of a god about to smite a heretic of its religion. Ulquiorra merely let out a half strangled, half angry, growl as Grimmjow waved his hand, in a placated motion, back at the black haired espada and thus went back to his languid position which consisted of his left cheek being propped up on one hand and his body laying, one leg bent upward the other hanging off the edge of the couch, rather kingly on the couch which Stark was once occupying. The sixth espada was also reading a magazine not suitable for children under the age of eighteen…and yes if you're thinking porn you're probably right, and no it's not Arrancar porn although the thought makes one want to gouge their eyes out with a spoon. Speaking of spoons...Nnoitra was somehow still alive, although missing a spleen and a kidney now, but who cares you only needed one anyway, and he was looking over the couch at the same magazine with lecherous eyes. Stark was severely pissed for the sole fact that he was pushed from his sleeping spot and was whispering something to Szayel, eyeing Grimmjow all the while with hateful vindictive eyes, about a certain deal and getting a certain voodoo doll in exchange for doing weekly chores. The pink haired espada merely shook his head ferociously as he now bore a cast for his broken right arm, a few missing teeth, none easily visible because fangirls would die if his GOOOOOOOOORGEOUSness were ruined, and a black eye because Nnoitra had in plain and simple terms royally kicked his ass. Along with Szayel's broken arm Nnoitra had unfortunately broken another object in the waiting room. Although, ironically enough, the broken object happened to be the only coffee table in the entire office's waiting room and also Nnoitra had the unfortunate luck to chip one of Aizen sama's most treasured Ming Dynasty tea cup sets.

Was Aizen-sama pissed? Probably, but the man had the emotional output of a toothpick and that's saying something for the toothpick, not him. Also Aizen was now burdened with the sheer fact that he now had an ass load of reparations that he was surly to be billed for. His mouth twisted into one of his famous and glamorous smiles. How was he going to be billed? His house wasn't necessarily a bright little cottage of sunshine and happy singing birds, oh no, it was HUECO MUNDO! A hate-filled dark, gray, hellish, yet humble and homely, abode in the harsher neck of the woods. Besides when was the last time the IRS sent anyone to an otherworldly dimension...NEVER! Exactly. He'd cheat his way out of this like his did with Shinigami Academy and boy did he cheat in that school…

And while we're in the midst of speaking of Aizen let us take a second to examine Gin Ichimaru our favorite, creepy ass, fox faced captain. Who, no matter what the situation was, always seemed to be smiling. It was as if he was the end product of Soul Society using botox for the first time and after seeing the results the spiritual haven trashed the idea completely instead of having multiple characters having creepy ass, almost pedophilic, smiles walking around. Gin moseyed his way on over to Aizen who was, as usual, sitting on his ass and reading the latest edition of a Home and Gardens magazine. "Hmmm these azaleas wouldn't look too bad around my chair…" he muttered to himself. He paused in his musings, as he knew who had walked over to him.

"Hey…I bet mah entire soul that you can't git that girl's number before the end of this little venture." Gin whispered over Aizen's shoulder. The sharp-eyed man turned to his kitsune-ish faced subordinate, a brown eyebrow raised in a questioning look.

"Are you challenging me to a bet, Gin?"

"Why yes Aizen-sama, yes I am."

"Your on you squinty eyed little bastard, and I already have your soul. I need a decent compensation for using my god-like pick up skills and looks for your little game." Aizen berated a tone of what seemed to anger in his voice.

"Mmm…does virginity count?"

"Yeah sure, your ass is mine…Gin Ichimaru!" Gin blinked as he heard the fervor and passion in Aizen's tone escalate to a seemingly unknown realm. At least he got excited…even if the thing he was getting excited over was only fueling fangirls across the globe and spurring on the creations of tons of fanfics everywhere!

"Like it wasn't already…" Gin muttered with some contempt as Aizen finally got off his ass, for the first time since they all got there, and made his way over to Jake's secretary a slight smirk on his lips.

Even though the author truly loves the waiting room scenes this chapter is actually about Ulquiorra and thus we shall now kindly proceed onward with the story.

On to the main attraction. Ulquiorra was somewhat relieved that he actually was able to get out that annoying hellhole known as the waiting room, but he still had yet to understand why he, one of the most obedient, smart, and overly blunt espada was walking towards this door…to be diagnosed with something he clearly didn't have. Because contrary to popular belief Ulquiorra was probably one of the most sane and normal espada out of the bunch. HAHA…yeah.

Day One: The Fourth Victim

Jake was busy straightening up his now somewhat messy room, no thanks to a certain ugly asshole-in-denial-about-having a-spoon-fetish espada, so yes it was like spring cleaning again for him and he hated the spring…and cleaning so this only fueled his hatred for the fifth espada even more. "Damned…foreigners…" he muttered eyeing the clearly destroyed table. He looked up with keen eyes as he heard the door creak open. Did he ever mention that even after having this business for at least FOUR years, not once has that damnable door ever creaked! Now…oh, but now it creaked like an old, decrepit, one hundred year old woman's bones. He wanted to punch something in the face…mainly an ESPADA!

Jake began to notice that there was something irking this clow-I mean person…thing…foreign illegal immigrant! He let out a frustrated sigh, pushing his over hanging bangs out of his face a little with the wind his sigh let off. He eyed Ulquiorra with a wary stare…expecting some sort of out-of-the-norm outburst from this black haired bastard as well. But all he got was a presumptuous, almost berating, stare back from the fourth espada. Jake straightened and cleared his throat as he sauntered over to Ulquiorra. He was skinny…like the rest of them so far…maybe they were all being malnourished by Aizen. It was a possibility…then again none of them ever brought up the subject, which made Jake's mind flicker back to the thoughts of Aizen being their "leader" and "master" yeaaaah he rather not think about S&M shit right now but this sure as hell was smelling like it! Although people from other countries usually had different lifestyles…different gross domestic product…maybe they all had to work for a living on a-ON A FARM! Possibly even a nuclear fallout site, given their outrageous hair colors and overall screwed up personalities! Jake coughed motioning for Ulquiorra to take a seat in front of his…demolished table. "Please don't mind the mess…your brother-"

"He's not my brother." Ulquiorra stated with an indifferent tone to his voice. Jake chuckled finding it odd that a family doesn't consider its members brothers, but what the hell he'd go with it so as to further prevent the deterioration of his sanity any further. He noted something about this man…his face, it was, it was oddly white…an almost ghostly color white at that which perplexed the psychiatrist even more so, seeing as how the only known people in their universe who had such skin tones were damned albinos. He was all but too curious so he had to ask…which kinda made him regret his own deplorable need to question EVERYTHING. "Are you…by any chance, a clown?"

Now as irony would have it Ulquiorra was far from being a clown and the author would like everyone who reads this to LOL at this fact. But of course you would…otherwise why would be reading such a fanfic in the first place?

Bright green eyes blinked back at Jake with mild confusion and, if Ulquiorra weren't so good at hiding his emotions, one would notice they had a tinge of anger in them as well. "Excuse me?" Jake laughed, leaning back on his chair to an almost dangerous angle and he sat up quickly waving his hand in a dismissal of the question. "N-Never mind, never mind! Just me and my big mouth again! SO, uh, tell me what is your name?" The black haired espada muttered something under his breath, something along the lines of 'trashy trash, trash, etc' you get the point.

"I am the fourth Espada, Ulquiorra Schiffer." He replied in his usual dead-as-a-sack-of-potatoes-voice. Jake really wondered why the hell they kept telling them their numbers. It was like they were a damn marketing product or something. NEW JUST FOR CHRISTMAS THE POSABLE CLOWN THE FOURTH ESPADA ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER! He snorted loudly as his over active imagination took over him again and Ulquiorra regarded the man with loathsome eyes. "Ah, right…Schiffer…your German then?" Jake always liked to know where someone was from. Germany…ha…damn commis! The black haired espada stared back at Jake with his usual bland, dead as a doorknob, expression.

"Ahhhh…mmm all righty then, don't bother answering. Now we'll start your session, Ulkey…Ukalale…Ulqiblah-OH WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR NAME IS!" Jake yelled. Ulquiorra's eyebrows knitted together. "I would kindly ask you to not yell, it's quite unbecoming of something already so…trashy."

"Yeah well your face make-up and finger nails are TRASHY so shut the hell up, emo boy." Jake spat back not really knowing what the hell he was saying and who the hell he was saying it too. Ulquiorra just blinked and then took out his all too familiar black-bound notebook and began to scribble something in it. Jake was curious to see what it was Ulquiorra was drawing or maybe that was a bad thing a very, very, very bad thing. He had seen a show recently on the telly…what was it called? Death Journal…Death Klok…DEATH NOTE! That was it. Yeah Uli's book looked like a cheap beggars poor rendition of a death note to scam some idiotic twelve year old into purchasing it so they could buy more liquor to drown themselves, and their smelliness, in woe and self pity! Ah how he loved the lower class of society. He coughed, eyeing the fourth espada with care.

"If you don't mind me stating I'm going to be taking a different approach then with all the others. So…how do you go about relieving stress, Ulqiuorra? I know living with so many…eh, errr, uhm…siblings it must be quite taxing on the mind and body." Ulquiorra's head shot up with a quick snap of his neck, that Jake himself thought he severed his spinal cord…but alas, he didn't too bad that meant more work him. A pale white hand shot out its black painted fingernails clenching the seams of the book. Jake sighed and took it from Ulquiorra and low and behold this book merely summed up the now repeating deduction that all these bastards were bat fuck insane. Within this little book there was scribbled Linkin Park lyrics amidst the gruesome, rather poetic, lines of haikus and poems that rival that of Edgar Allan Poe. He scanned the overly detailed death traps that were seemingly positioned around Las Noches' inner workings and wondered just how in the hell Ulquiorra got away with any of this. He flipped back quite a few pages, keeping his laughter under control as much as humanly possible for the Linkin Park and other emo-esque band lyrics were really, really, getting to him.

Crawling in my skin…

These wounds can't not be reallll
Trash is how I fall

Confusing what is real

There's something in this tea that pulls beneath the surface
Confusing, consuming

I lack a spine so I can never say no to Aizen

Controlling I can't seem

To find my trash can again…

Jake just stopped reading there because he literally busted out laughing. Ulquiorra snatched his prized, fake bloodstain on the cover, book back from the now teary eyed man.

"Oh god…my spleen I think is popped or something." Jake went into another fit of laughter. Ulquiorra just stared at floor his normal dull-emotionless face turning into one of sadness, darkness, and sheer and utter teen drama emoness. His emerald green eyes weld up with hidden tears, tears that he could not express nor show! For his fellow espadas would surely call him a pansy, ass, bitch if he did. Jake coughed calming down a bit as he grabbed his freshly brewed cup of tea from the barely standing table.

"I-I'm sorry. Let's talk about this, Uli."

"I don't want to talk about it." The fourth espada said an indignant pout on his face.

"Listen. Everyone has their quirks…yours is just…you're a damn emo and friggen cry baby that writes really bad song lyrics!" Jake laughed again.

"I'm glad my mental torture and sheer frustration with life is amusing you." Ulquiorra snapped.

"Oh yeah, it is. Thanks for this. I'm am glad though that you do something constructive with your time instead of your other fucked up siblings." Jake responded nodding. The black haired espada narrowed his eyes.

"What kind of psychiatrist are you?" Jake snorted into his cup before helping himself to some more of his French vanilla tea.

"Obviously I'm not a very good one, seeing as how ass clowns like yourself are still walking around on this planet. I do my best though, really, I do." Jake replied with a smile. Ulquiorra grumbled something to the effect of 'asshole' or possibly even 'trashy trash eating asshole.' The black haired espada stood up then, his hands going to his helmeted head, "You don't understand!!! It's so…FRUSTRATING! Being Aizen sama's ass slave! Day in and day out! I…I CAN'T EVEN CUT MYSELF BECAUSE MY SKIN IS STRONG THEN TITANIUM STEEL ALLOY!" Ulquiorra wailed. Jake really expected as if to finish off the package, for the fourth espada to start crying tears of blood or maybe even black tears? God that would make his line of work all the more amusing.

It just so happened that at this point in time a certain silver-haired, fox faced, used to be captain of the third squad but now was the lowly subordinate of squad five's captain, over heard the conversation going on within the room's inner workings. Ichimaru frowned turning his head to Aizen, but his gaze went to Yammy and Wonderwice, both of whom were fighting with a vending machine in the corner. He shook his head getting back to the main focus…Aizen-sama. "Ah uhm…Aizen." Aizen turned a little from his propped up position in front of the front desk where the secretary sat her face flushed and her eyes down cast as she typed up "things" for Jake. Gin pouted, mentally berating himself for the sole fact that he actually left Aizen alone with someone…and a female for that matter. "Damn women stealer…" he muttered under his breath. "I'm thinkin' Ulquiorra is gettin'all upset again, Aizen." Aizen merely sighed, delved into his pocket and tossed a bottle at Gin. Within this bottle was in the bluntness of terms "Happy pills". The container did nothing to help the situation either because it had a poorly drawn picture, artisanship that rivaled that of Rukia Kuchiki, of Ulquiorra's head and on it, it said 'Don't be sad, get happy!' on its white plastic surface. Gin opened the door with a flurry of movement and chucked the bottle directly at Ulquiorra's head, where it preceded in its designated path and hit the Espada dead on in the right side his head. This sudden influx of movement to the fourth Espada's cranium made his all too special, drug-carrying eyeball to fall out of his head and into the teacup positioned in front of him.

"HOLY SHIT!" Gin flinched a little as he heard Jake swearing and the prompted moving of chairs as either him or Ulquiorra went to look at the now floating eyeball in the tea cup. "Sorry!" Gin replied with his, all too perfect to be faked, creepy pedo smile before slamming the door shut on the astonished, bewildered, and somewhat confused face of Jake Halsenbach.

"What the hell is that?!" Jake cried, pointing to the white bottle lying on the couch beside a Cyclops Uliquorra. The espada grumbled grabbing his eye out of the tea and wiping it off before promptly popping it back into his ghost white head. Ulquiorra's eyes brightened a bit from their all too normal and customary darkened, drab, lackluster look as he picked up the bottle. His face contorted into a frown again, not like it wasn't already in a frown but this one was far more visible and just yeah…bigger, as Jake snatched up the bottle from the espada's hand. The pills were…oddly familiar to the psychiatrist and something in his mind snapped as he finally realized what they were. Sure they said 'happy pills' on the outside and oddly the phrase was written on the surface of the pill as well. But some on them contained pictures of happy little forest creatures and such. Ulqiuorra glared at Jake. "I need those. They make me feel…happy." Jake eyed the espada as if he was well, as if he was insane.

"Uh-Ulquiorra…these aren't 'happy pills'." There was no reply as the black haired man sat before Jake.

"…" Jake let out an incredulous and somewhat frustrated sigh at the mere fact that Ulquiorra, who came off as being smart and knowledgeable, was in fact…gullible and friggen moronic.

"This is GHB and Rohypnol, Uli."

"…" More silence. It was something Jake was going to have to deal with. He found it quite perplexing and strenuous that whenever the hell he diagnosed someone those damn crickets went off. His eyes shot to the corner where he could have sworn the musical symphony of crickets was originating from. He'd have to call the exterminator…again. The damn crickets seemed to chirp at the most inopportune times.

"They're DATE RAPE DRUGS FOR GODSAKES!!! What the HELL are they teaching you kids in school nowadays?!" Jake cried shaking the bottle furiously then slamming it on the table, which due to the impact fell to pieces again, well he had only taped and glued it together…

"Well…that does explain my lapse of memory for the past seven nights." Ulquiorra mumbled to himself and he looked away from Jake. The psychiatrist merely sighed, hung his head, and with a pointer finger and thumb rubbed both eyes in utter disbelief.

Waiting Room

"Uh-oh. Aiiiizen samaaaa…damn woman stealer…"

"And then I says to her, 'I'm sorry Momo! It just would have never have worked between us!!' Then I stabbed the fanwanking bitch-I mean I broke the poor girl's heart! Or…broke some other organs." Aizen exclaimed to the dreamy-eyed secretary who was now looking at him like a damn fangirl in paradise.

"Oh Aizen! You're so dramatic!"

"Hahaha! I KNOW, RIGHT?! How's about you let this future ruler of heaven spread some holiness on you, eh?" The girl could only giggle as Aizen moved in to make his move.

"YO PIMP DADDY!" Aizen's head shot towards Gin, eyes narrowing as he was interrupted so unceremoniously. "Hm? Wha-Oh! Gin yes, what is it now?"

"You gave Uli-chan the wrong pills." Aizen felt in his other pant pocket, letting out a sigh and rolling his eyes. He then grumbled. "Damn."

Counseling Room

"I just…I just feel so USED! Abused and frustrated with my own push-overness and being a complete bitch! I'm so sad…Ulquiorra…is a very, very, sad, espada." The black haired espada whimpered taking small sips of his tea as he let out small sobs after each. Jake rolled his eyes, though not visibly, for the poor black haired espada was already in a state of emotastic self pity that even the slightest disregard for his feelings may lead him to jumping out the window.

"There, there Ulquiorra. We just need to you to think happy thoughts, is all. Tell me, who out your whole 'family' would you say annoys you the most?" Jake asked patting the fourth espada on the back to quell his sadness and sobs. Ulquiorra looked up with indignant eyes. "Grimmjow. He-he threw me into an alternate dimension time out once with one of those cube things." Jake blinked at this.

"So you're saying he threw you into a transdimensional 'time out' space by using a cube that somehow alters and tears open the fabrics of reality?" Ulquiorra could only nod, as if his inner depression was making his head all but too heavy to lift so all he could do was stare at the carpeted floor of the office.

"…yes that is correct."

"Have those drugs you've been packing in your eye affected your brain in anyway, Mr. Schiffer?" The espada sprang up from his seat, throwing Jake to the floor. Uli pointed with one black nailed finger. "HE TOLD YOU THAT! Didn't he?! I suppose he lied about me having a trash can fetish too! Just because I call everything trash does not mean I have a fetish!" Jake gulped as he sat, now perfectly far away, from the fuming espada. A trashcan fetish was…indeed interesting. Christ this guy has the emotional output of a goddamn erratic crack whore working with an electrical piece of equipment, THAT'S DYSFUNCTIONAL! Which meant…it was really fucked up!

"Arrrg! He…him and his stupid…TRASHY, TRASH TURQUOISE HAIRED TRASH SELF! So frustrated!"

"I'm sure there are plenty of things you could do to subdue your frustration. Reading, writing, juggling…"

"I am not a clown." Jake laughed a little as he rubbed the back of his head. "Ahaha yeah, sorry about that. You-You're just going to have to keep on reminding me…cause that whole facial get-up is just too perfect." Ulquiorra wanted to DIE or go to his room and listen to dark, depressing music while he unsuccessfully tried to cut himself. Jake was quite perplexed really. Also…he felt his mind slowly and painfully dying. If only to have it reborn…as a phoenix, a phoenix made out of undeniable shit. That imagery was enough to make him gag and for the first time Jake actually believed there was no God…anywhere. And no, that God was not sitting in his waiting room HITTING ON HIS SECRETARY! Ulquiorra contrary to his fellow Arrancar and espada members had the decency to stop in his own self-loathing and pitying and ponder to himself if the man was choking, and then laugh maniacally in his head. For the depressed, darkened soul, black finger nailed, emoesque espada never learned how to laugh! To be seen doing so by any mortal creature would surly compromise his title as Emo-bitch, or Aizen's emo sex toy! But then again…why the hell would he want those names to begin with?! This all in itself prompted another depressing cloud of sadness to drift over the espada.

Jake was just fine with it. The damn bastard never even once helped to see if he was choking. He was probably better off with a fucking BLIND person then Ulquiorra Schiffer. "Don't mind me! I just almost drowned to death with my own tea!" The fourth espada only nodded. Jake let out a sigh.

"Listen, Uli. You're…just really, really depressed. I'm going to diagnose you with being a complete emotard and a uh…gullible ass slave? Yeah that sounds wonderful, now get out of my office."

"But you…never helped me…"

"AH! Okay you want some help!" Jake walked over to his desk and pulled out a handful of magazines…not suitable for children under eighteen. "Here these make people happy, have fun."

"You're…giving me porn magazines to quench and subdue my deep pitted and hopelessly fragile emotions which I have to hide behind a mask everyday of my life?!" Ulquiorra asked somewhat passionately. Jake smiled; both eyes closed as he did so, and nodded pushing a dumbstruck Ulquiorra towards his door.

"Have a good day."

"Some of these are…of men."

"Oh…gay pron…that's not mine." Seriously it wasn't. It was a patient! A patient with an extremely overactive sex drive mind you! He snatched them from the Espada and chucked Ulqiuorra's emo diary at the back of his head. He opened the door to his waiting room only to find himself wishing he truly had not done so.

"Are you…are you hitting on my secretary Mr. Sōsuke?" Aizen turned to Jake in his rather precarious and suggestive position with the young secretary.

"Why yes, yes I am Mr. Halsenbach."

"Goddamn foreigners!!!" Jake yelled before slamming the door to his office after hearing the giggling of his secretary and her all but compromising position with the man who was by far, one of the most screwed up individual's Jake had ever seen.

Fin

A/N: The author would like to tell you all that everyone is a wonderful reader and she kindly thanks you for your reviews! Also that you should review! YES! NEED MOAR REVIEWS, KEKEK! I'll stop now. Oh yeah, don't flame me for making Ulquiorra's character OOC…cause the bastard is totally an emo on the inside. That's all! Read, be happy, Roflcycle if you have to, I'm terribly sorry this chapter is so effing long and that it took so long to put up! And this chapter relating to Ulquiorra's number was totally unintentional! LOL FOURTH POWER!