Jamaica: Somewhere??
It was fine. Everything was going to be fine right? RIGHT?!
"No dude! He's totally going to be the Ray Charles for our band, man!"
"Bitch puh-lease! He can't see! He can't play no piano brother! And he don't even look like Ray!"
"You foos dunno what you're talkin about. Ray Charles was blind he'd fit the roll perfectly!"
"But he can't even see the keys, man! You dunno what you're talkin about, musician my ASS! We're a Reggae band we don't use PIANOS!" Tousen sighed, his head bending down towards the floor which he could not see. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he was beginning to feel the onslaught of a terrible, terrible migraine. It was to rival the one he had gotten when Wonderweiss and Yammy were arguing, not that Wonderweiss could really back himself up much being all…DERRRR and all, but all in all they were arguing by means of biting, kicking, ceroing, etc. about whether the position of the moon in Hueco Mundo moved…which it clearly did not. But seeing as how they were the least bright of the bunch and the sheer fact that they even conjured up such highly sophisticated thoughts had all but left Tousen mind boggled, and had given him one of the worst headaches...ever.
"He can play the drums man!" One of the men shouted. Tousen was seemingly mistaken for someone these men knew, for he had never even heard of Ray Charles before…but he apparently had suffered the same fate as he had and was blind. His mouth contorted into a mildly large frown.
"But I play drums you fool!" Another man shouted back. Tousen hung his head more and was deciding on whether to kill himself now, or later possibly the latter because Aizen MIGHT, now that was the keyword, he MIGHT actually come to save him? Wishful thinking right there. If he wasn't blind already he'd probably gouge his eyes out with a spoon…no wait that reminded him too much of Nnoitra, goddamn asshole, maybe a spork...yeaaah you could get all the nerves out with one of those.
"Yeah well…YOU JUST GOT SACKED! Get the hell outta mah face!" There proceeded to be a tussle and a fight presumably broke out, for many people shouted, chairs slid across the bar floor and glasses cracked…probably over someone's head. Tousen merely sauntered out of the bar, in an unknown city, into an unknown alleyway. HE WAS JUST SENT OUT TO GET COFFEE!!! He began to sob in the dark, desolate, corner LIKE HIS SOUL! For he knew this was the worst day in his life!
"Aizen sama!!! I will return!!! Someday!!!" Tousen cried, before turning back around to find his Rastafarian kidnappers blankly staring at him.
"That ain't your boyfriend, is it?" Tousen coughed, then looked back at them…or in their direction cause you know…yeaaaah.
"What? …NO!"
"Good. Cause I don't want to have to pay for a damn marriage counselor for you and your bitch while we're on tour. Now git yo ass over here!!" Tousen muttered something obscene and something about a death note and justice…and KEKE MOAR JUSTICE DESU, as he walked over to his captors…he wondered if Aizen-sama was going to rescue him anytime in the near future…or you know RIGHT THE FUCK NOW WOULD BE NICE!!
The Office: Waiting Room
"Hnnn, Aizen-san?" A sneaky voice whispered. Aizen cocked a brown eyebrow as he turned away from his latest addition to his, FANGIRL SWOON NEED MOAR AIZEN, army. He grumbled something about Gin being here at the wrong time and being everywhere at the wrong time, and just being wrong…all the time!!
"What is it, Gin? Can you not see that I am trying to procreate with this lovely female for a future successor for my throne in heaven once I die?" Gin was going to respond with the obvious fact that they were already dead and therefore couldn't die…well actually they could which made him reconsider his whole…let's play chicken with the oncoming traffic with Wonderweiss. Though the idea of Wonderweiss getting hit by car with his completely stupid expression made Gin snort out loud and get another contemptuous stare from his leader. He cleared his throat before continuing onward with what he was mildly…actually no, he wasn't really concerned at all and with a slight gander about the waiting room, none of the Espada seemed to care much either. But what the hell someone had to ask, right?
"I was wonderin' where's Tousen gone off ta?" Gin asked his constantly squinting eyes looking down at Aizen and his rather promiscuous position with Jake's secretary. The fox man grimaced a little and coughed turning away a bit.
"…Who?" Gin just stared at the man…and then came the chirping. It was as if the Espada were intent on listening in on their leader's conversation for they too had silenced and looked, though eyes were somewhat adverted, at Aizen as well.
"You know…Tousen." Gin replied getting the hint Aizen hadn't a fucking clue as to whom he was talking about. The man just blinked, staring at Gin like he had multiple creepy ass floating heads, LIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE –Hinthint-!! The other former captain took out a picture from his sleeve pocket and handed it to Aizen. The wannabe-god, I mean…the soon-to-be-kickass-god-in-ur-thronz-messing-your-shit-up, quirked his perfectly trimmed eyebrow his eyes lingering on the photo of none other than Izuru Kira.
"Um…this is your-" Like a fox Gin snatched the photo away and smiled, not like he really could anymore than he already did, but he managed it…somehow. He coughed, "oh uh…wrong picture…here ya' go!" He replied smiling as he handed over a picture of a man with dread locks. Aizen's eyes kindled with an enlightened and new recognition.
"Ooooooohhhh! That's Tousen! Haha I sent him out for coffee ages ago…I wonder where he is?" Gin just brought a hand to his face and shook his head as Aizen went back to laughing and smexing up the completely and totally underage secretary.
"Ooooh slap me twice and give me to a bowl of corn pops! That chick is mighty fiiiine!" Nnoitra commented, his one lecherous eyes gleaming oh so…lecherously as both he and Grimmjow looked at the centerfold of Grimmy's totally un-PG13 porno mag -that isn't Arrancar Porn-. Szayel had the balls to saunter on over to the two of them pushing his all too trendy, extremely thick rimmed, glasses up his alabaster nose as he did so. His brownish red eyes sparkled with mischievous, MAD SCIENTIST, intent and Nnoitra could only scowl upon seeing the pink haired espada next to him.
"Yeah. I'd definitely tap that, hey Uli! You think you could spare a few trash cans for this babe?!" Uliquorra's black haired unicorn helmeted head whipped around from his seat by the entrance way of the waiting room, he was staring at nothing...like usual and his mind was teeming with new ideas on how to express his overly emotional self. Those thoughts soon blew up into flames like a fighter jet during goddamn D-Day and his green eyes blazed with a deep seeded, relentless, unmerciful anger as he heard Grimmjow call his name. His normal frown was etched even deeper now and he stood up, glaring daggers at the teal haired espada, sticking his hands in his pockets and walking on over to the seemingly surmounting congregation of his fellow Espada. Nnoitra's trashy, cynical, overbearingly annoying, laugh passed through Ulquiorra's ears, and he felt himself wishing he hadn't pulverized that stress toy. Though…the spooncar's face would make for a nice, durable, and even portable punching bag now that he thought about it.
"Heh. I'd do that in a second!" Nnoitra commented as Grimmjow tilted the magazine to the side for the centerfold picture. Szayel…he was smart, indeed he was the ingenious scientist of the espada, but damn did he have a big mouth and apparently and equally as big tongue…but the author shall deter from the further mentioning of that -seeing as how there are many a fangirl with equally as active imaginations that can create nonsensical, if not comical, pairings with Szayel and his overly long tongue-. The pink haired man scoffed, waving his hand in a girly fashion as he was about to say something he probably knew he shouldn't be saying. "I doubt with a ugly ass mug like yours that anyone would ever let you touch them, but perhaps you could French a giraffe or two you have the tongue make up for it." Szayel replied, his face paling and his brownish red eyes stared back into the extremely pissed off sneer of Nnoitra.
"That's IT! It's 'Happy Birthday' time for you bitch!" Nnoitra snarled snatching a rather distressed, fearfully wide-eyed, Szayel by his collar. Szayel looked like he was doped up on some heavy shit, because he was flailing all over the place like a fishy!
"OH GOD, NO! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! FORGIVE MEEEEE!!! Not Happy Birthday! Anything but Happy Birthday!!" The pink haired espada wailed clawing at the floor as Nnoitra dragged him towards a conveniently placed coat closet, with a bemused and almost enjoyable look.
"AIZEN SAMAAAAA HELP MEEE!!!" Were the last cries to be heard as the closet door slammed shut. Ulquiorra sat down beside Grimmjow, grimacing at the magazine an emerald eye going to the turquoise ones of the sixth espada. "Disgusting." Grimmjow snorted waving an arm around as if the comment was merely an annoying fly. "You should talk, trash boy." Uli contained himself, but he might need dentures by the time this whole STUPID TRASHY ASS TRASH FIELD TRIP was over with, because he kept grinding his fucking TEETH. He coughed eyeing the closet as there were sounds of undeniable disgustingness and horror being exuded from it.
"What is this…'Happy Birthday' Nnoitra was talking about?" Ulquiorra asked his interest obviously piqued at the whole ordeal befalling the poor eighth espada. Grimmy just shrugged not really paying attention to Ulquiorra as he went back to "reading" his porno mag. Stark apparently was listening, though the man was seemingly sleeping up against the wall behind the couch but whatever I guess he wasn't, GODDAMN NARCOLEPTIC BASTARD! Ulquiorra slid over a bit, getting a grunt from Grimmjow at the now nearly nonexistent space between him and his unicorn helmet compatriot.
"So…you wish to know what 'Happy Birthday' consists of, do you?" Stark muttered as if the tools used were like secret ingredients to a main course keeping a seemingly B-rated restaurant on its feet, and therefore if it were founded out by some other chefs they would surely cook it better, more refined, and overall…end up kicking ass. Ulquiorra nodded with a seemingly hidden excitement; his green eyes all but dripping interest and exaltation. Stark cleared his throat before beginning, "I believe a hack saw, a tuna fish, a pair of pliers, lubrication, a beaver, and…" he paused looking at Uli's disgusted facial features. "and… a spoon." He heard the obvious, trying to hold it in because it's totally out of character; snort from Ulqiuorra and all the while everyone in the waiting room heard the obvious cries for help being issued from Szayel from within the closet yet no one really cared to help him.
Jake really couldn't put his finger on it. How was someone…or a group of somebodies SO WHACKED OUT?! It just…didn't make sense! He ruffled his hair as he spun around in his leather spinny chair a knock on his door issuing a rather blunt, loud, and over exaggerate groan from the psychologist. He sighed, rubbing his eyes with a forefinger and thumb, he really needed to get wasted tonight maybe he'd fall and get knocked unconscious or perhaps damage his short-term memory lobe on his brain, damn he really wanted that right about now. "Come in. Whoever the hell you are…maybe I should just diagnose you with being a complete screw up." There was a cough and Jake looked up from his random doodles which depicted mostly every single Espada in a nice white building with lovely matching white jackets, and shoes, and wow! That Szayel guy would probably like that…fruit cake. Jake's eyebrow quirked up a bit as the extremely tall figure stepped into his office. The dude had to like bend down just to get through the freakin door! Jake's eyes followed the man…er…thing to the very point of him, or it, walking up to him. He stifled a snort. Nice fashion sense this dude had…nice neck ruffle too. Jake thought within the confines of his all but messed up mind. He bet this guy could work on one of those potato chip commercials. With that uncanny realization he decided to get this session over with, maybe if he did it faster it'd be less painfully detrimental to his own sanity!
"Ah…nice to meet you Mr." Jake was presumably cut off. What the hell was it with these bastards and cutting him off?! He glared at the masked man before him.
"Aaroniero Arruruerie…I am…the ninth espada, Aaroniero Arruruerie."
Day One: The Fifth Victim
"All right Mr…er I'll just call you tubey." There was a cough, actually, there were two coughs coming from the thing standing before him. "Tubey?" Jake nodded as he absentmindedly pointed to the couch, ushering for Aaroniero to sit. "Well you kinda look like a giant walking test tube…although you're also uncannily similar to a certain sex to-"
"Tubey is FINE!" The espada snarled back making odd noises from behind his helmet. The psychologist hid a rather big smirk as he jot down the name Tubey on the pad, and underneath it he wrote 'AA' and no it totally wasn't an Alcoholics Anonymous joke. Jake wondered if the man was truly a vampire he couldn't make any other outrageous claim that would suffice in diagnosing this things behavior, and eccentric look. He tapped his chip with his ballpoint pen nibbling on the blunt end a bit at his brown eyes, behind black rimmed rectangular glasses, scanned the espada. "You aren't a nasty emotarded, my parents hated me so they stuck me in the basement of their secret lab and did 'KEKEKE' experiments on me, hate child are you?" Jake asked. He had to be sure…he was quite dreading the removal of that holey face-plate but it was his nature, in these one on one counseling sessions, to talk face to face with the fuc-I mean extremely mentally strained individual. There was a brief pause of silence before those GODDAMN crickets started chirping again! Jake's eye twitched, he was going to genocide the cricket population…one day, one day.
"Er…uhm, no? I…never had parents, none of the espada have!" Arroniero exclaimed in a fervent manner. Jake rolled his eyes, "well that's apparent, you're all bloody fucking insane," as he began to write down some meaningless observations.
"I will kindly have to ask you to remove your uh…helmet? Face plate…license plate…you're a car underneath that entire neck ruffle, aren't you?" If the ninth espada had removed his face plate at that given time one would have seen the most screwed up, angered, and a somewhat I'm-going-to-eat-your-flesh-after-sending-your-soul-to-Satan, expressions to rival the most angered of sociopathic psychopaths. Buuuut instead Aaroniero merely coughed, twice and held up a hand in a defensive gesture.
"I rather not, you see this is my...happy mask, Aizen-sama makes me wear it alll the time! And you're just brimming with sarcasm aren't you, Mr. Halsenbach?"
"Oh you know my name already? I'm terribly honored. And no…actually I don't. Please enlightenment me. I'm sure after all the other bullshit your sibl-er comrades have put me through, due to their amazingly fucked up personalities, yours would only be adding on another layer onto the already extremely towering cake of completely fucked up personages that plague this family like the black plague in fourteenth century Europe." Jake gave a smug smile at the speechlessness of the espada who merely hung his head, shaking it a little as he did so.
"I…do not like the light…so if you could possibly close the blinds?" At least if he complied with his simple request this man…goddamn human that he was wouldn't get too freaked out. He could take on the form of KAIEN-DONO!!! But this human presumably had a rather large, pointy, and thick stick up his ass or maybe it was just his nature to be a complete dick wad so that was really an option. OH WELL! It wasn't he who was to have nightmares this night to come! Aaroniero silently and manically cackled inside his head…er…heads. Jake narrowed his eyes.
"Unless you're a clinically registered albino or somehow a screwed up individual who believes he is a vampire, which I wouldn't be surprised given some of the shit your comrades have already told me so far, then the answer is no. And as with terms of being clinically registered I'll have you know you probably aren't because the way you people dress and look I doubt anyone in the entire world wouldn't know who are, which brings up my next concluding point being that if you were albino I, and probably the whole planet, would know who you were Mr. Arrugal-Arruwai-TUBEY!" Aaroniero half growled, half hissed at the butchering of his last name but he knew that Aizen SAMA would not approve of him eating this man nor turning him into a shish kabob for that matter. So the ninth espada merely sat silently, hands balling into tightly clenched fists occasionally, as he envisioned hideous acts of torture which he could be performing upon the psychologist. He rather regretted having to give into the despicably, weak, human's request but he supposed he couldn't go back to his pointless daydreaming in the waiting room if he was here for too long, so without further ado he began to take his mask off…oh joy.
Jake felt like they were actually making some headway in this little session of theirs as the earth-shattering moment of helmet removal began to occur. He heard the snap as bands holding the helmet gave way and somehow…Jake wasn't mildly surprised that he hadn't wished for the removal of the helmet…for his own sanity of course.
"JESUS CHRIST ON A TRICYCLE!!!" There was a loud crash from the room and everyone in the waiting room, minus Aizen because he was off somewhere…doing something with an underage secretary, turned to the door of the office.
Stark sighed, shaking his head as he resumed his reading of Discover Magazine -seeing as how there was an article on narcolepsy-. Uli just cringed as the yell knocked out perfectly good emo lyrics from his head and he wanted to cut himself with his horn, because sitting next to Grimmjow was all but infuriating and if not self promoted torture. Grimmjow just barked a laugh and went back to…uh yeah…pronz. Nnoitra's ugly ass mug popped out from the closet and he grabbed the beaver by the tail as it tried in a failed attempt at escaping, and yes him and Szayel where in there for that long…and no I DO NOT SHIP THAT PAIRING!!! Get your minds out of the gutter people! The pink haired espada's groans of pain and sheer agony were finally drowned out, much to the relief of everyone in the waiting room, but only for a brief glorifying second.
"He must've taken off his mask, hnn?" Grimmjow commented his eyes still resting on the magazine as everyone silently nodded not really paying any more attention and going back to their business of TAKING UP SPACE. Gin walked over to the office door and sighed, shrugging as he went back to tormenting Yammy and Wonderweiss by actually getting food and beverages out of the vending machine whereas all their pitiful idiotic attempts had failed.
"What the HELL is that?!!!" Jake yelled pointing a sturdy, though it was slightly shaking, finger at Aaroniero. The espada crossed his arms over his chest and sighed rolling both sets of eyes. He wiped the tea, due to Jake throwing a teacup at his lovely Windex shined head, off of his tank head…thing.
"I told you. You should have closed the curtains when you had the chance. And I would have to ask not to throw teacups at my head…it's very fragile." The deeper voiced head grumbled, bubbles drifting upward from the bottom of the tank as a hand rubbed the side of the glass centerpiece. "Stupid human! You should learn to listen more!" A shriller, more childish voice said smugly. Jake's eyes were…well they were practically singed to the point of blindness from the sheer ugliness, and overall horror of his patient. He looked like a goddamn Picaso painting thrown in manure and lit on fire by an angry mob of fanatical horse shit worshippers! He had to…his brown eyes trailed over to his curtains, mind you just like most of the things in his office these curtains were handmade silk worm woven maroon curtains. They cost about three thousand bucks a piece…BUT HIS LIVLIHOOD CAME FIRST! Aaroniero had his speculations on just what the hell the man was doing besides giving him the most screwed up of faces and just disgusted looks of well…disgust. But his interest and curiosity were soon sated as Jake practically dove out of his spinney chair and towards the curtains of his office. He ripped one complete off its golden engraved hanger and threw it over the espada's head without a seconds glance, question, or doubt.
"What're you doing?!" The ninth espada roared, both voices creating a somewhat melodious tone together. Jake let out a rather relieved, and quite deep, sigh. "I…just can't look at you is all."
"But you're the one who told me to-" Jake held up a hand, but considering the fact he had just thrown a tarp over his patient's face…er…faces the creature, alien, talking test tube baby thing couldn't very well see.
"I know, I know. Hahaha I hate myself for trying to still be normal with you people!" Jake inwardly cried at his own idiocy, really now…he should have known better a lot better. He cleared his throat watching the freaky test tube monster with a distinct case of bipolar disorder and possibly a trained ventriloquist cross its arms over its chest and tap a sandal covered foot as he all the while jotted down "notes".
"Ahem. Very well we'll begin. Is there anything you'd like first to tell me Mr. Aarhgd…er Mr. Tubey?" There was the slam of an open palmed, clearly distraught, and angered, hand on his dilapidated table, it sunk to the floor even more.
"Why can't you call me by my real name!"
"That is not a name you possess good sir, but a severe conundrum of vowels and consonants that sound like they were meshed together by your mother –or father- while he or she was drunk off their ass." Jake mildly stated, eyes closed and index finger pointing up. Of course this was a complete lie, he was just a lazy bastard and too lazy to actually make his vocal cords say the freaky, freak's name…ah how he hated getting old. Aaroniero just sighed, sitting back on the comfy couch within the office.
"SPACE!" Jake thought that this thing couldn't possibly have any more problems but the fact that it might be one of those freaky UFO –OHMYGODIWASPROBEDEDBYANALIEN- fanatics was making him regret his decision of choosing this as his life long career.
"Space you say?" The espada took off the curtain Jake had so haphazardly thrown on its head and the psychologist flinched and looked away for a good few minutes before finally being able not to vomit inside his mouth while looking at Aaroniero. A white gloved finger jabbed at the tube, which contained a reddish liquid oddly similar looking to koolaid. Jake would press further as to what it was.
"SEE! Look at him! He takes up all my floating space! And doesn't even give me room to BREATHE!" The shriller of the two exclaimed its eyes pointing up. The top head grumbled and rolled its eyes in response. "Oh please not this again."
"Don't you 'Oh please' me you goddamn tank HOG!" Came the shrill retort. Jake sighed; his pad might be a good bashing tool…if used correctly. Or better yet!! He could smash this crazy bastard's tank thing and stab himself with the glass! YES! It'll be homicide and man slaughter but that's all right! Jake sat for about five minutes listening to two floating shrunken looking heads argue with each other.
"Why don't you just get a bigger tank? Maybe one of those fifty gallon tanks! And you can throw in some fish for when you get the late night munchies." Jake stated a wide smile spreading across his face as Aaroniero's heads glared fucking burning, acidic, daggers at him.
"Oh I'm sure you're enjoying yourself you little prick!" The deeper of the two heads snapped, bubbles boiling to the surface of the tank.
"Hey hey, don't get too excited you might evaporate all that koolaid in there. I'm surprised you both are this angry, I mean…I rather live in a pool filled with koolaid than have to breath this shitty ass polluted, lung deteriorating, noxious, filled with more airborne diseases and ailments then you can count, air." The two heads turned to one another. "What? Koolaid?" Jake gasped it was almost a crime to not know the glorious delicious taste of the tooth rotting product! But then again…these guys were foreigners. He ran back to his desk and grabbed a hand drill and a packet of koolaid this process…was going to be interesting. He basically jumped Aaroniero who was shouting rather vulgar words as Jake smashed a small hole in the top of his glass head, all the while pouring the powdery concoction of koolaid into Aaroniero's tube head. The espada finally grabbed Jake and chucked him into his opposite facing chair, both heads heaving with the exertion.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YO-" Both heads blinked as the powdery mixture was fully diffused within the tank, "Oh! Oooh…that is good. We must tell Aizen-sama to pick us up some!" Both heads replied, water still squirting out from the hole in the top of the tank. Jake merely looked away and scribbled down something to the effect of 'patient has an unhealthy koolaid fetish'. He cleared his throat.
"Anyway, like I was saying to solve your space predicament I suggest you go to Petco and get a bigger tank."
"Listen if you're just going to keep on making fun of the tank we're leaving."
"Oh by all means, please don't leave. Your ugly ass faces haven't scarred me enough!" Jake replied in sarcastic distress."We have a problem." Jake's eyebrow quirked a bit it was oddly amusing watching the espada pour the contents of the tea cup into that still dripping hole at the top of its head…god this would be prefect blackmail footage. He was a little oddly fascinated with the rather bland expression Aaroniero had as he preformed this task…as if this was a daily everyday thing, WHICH IT SHOULDN'T BE! But he had to look away because er yeah…the shape of that goddamn head was making him think really nasty thoughts, un-pg-13 thoughts!
"Uhm…what is it?" Jake asked with a rather bored no wait, it was bored, and half-assed in caring, acknowledging, and even remotely interested in what the espada's problem actually was, tone. He yawned as the espada began.
"People seemingly think they can use me for a coffee pot. One day…I woke up…ON FUCKING FIRE!! Cause that stupid kitty litter eating bitch Grimmjow wanted to make tea to throw on Ulquiorra so he goes and decides to use me! Its cold water you're supposed to throw on them NOT HOT, RETARD! And then there was that one time where they left me in that whore house…" Jake really wasn't paying attention-like usual- so instead he moseyed on over to his own personal fish tank, taking up the net which he used in fish retrieval for when he cleaned the tank.
"It was disgusting! I never want to be part of an orgy ever AGAIN! Especially when you're in a heaping pile of STDs, and WHORES!" The deeper voice snarled, the other head nodding. It took the espada a few minutes but there was a 'plop' sound and instead of staring back at the psychologist he was staring back at the stupid, ugly, face of a fish! He instantly growled, seeing Jake's wide ass grin spread bigger as the fish began to try to eat the shriller sounding of the two heads. Jake's face instantly went pale as the deeper voiced head presumably began to OM NOM NOM on the fish till it was nothing more than a few drifting piles of fleshy bones.
"You…you sonofabitch! You ATE my FISH!!" Jake yelled pointing an accusatory finger at Aaroniero who all the while spit back up a tail bone, a smug expression on his face.
"I told you not to try me, Mr. Halsenbach." Jake flipped him off as the espada laughed, more to himself then anything, he saw how Jake was eyeing that other tea cup.
"Screw you, you goddamn bipolar masochistic ventriloquist!" Jake snapped arms crossing over his chest as he pouted a little; he really had bonded with that fish. Aaroniero just rolled his eyes before his head was promptly covered –once again- with the curtain by an angered psychologist.
"Let me ask you something." Jake began, not receiving a reply from his assholish, fish MURDERING, patient. "You ate that fish right? So like…where does it go? I mean do you have like a filtration system in there or something? Top of the line I bet." Jake said raising his eyebrows. The ninth espada took the curtain off again, and Jake flinched, again.
"Are you asking where my excrement goes? Do you have like…coprophilia or something?"
"HOLY HELL NO YOU ASS MUNCHER!" Jake yelled that was just…that deserved another tea cup to the face, so he chucked one at the espada who dodged by a hair…er…glass fragment. Aaroniero sighed, shrugging. "Must you resort to such childish means, Mr Psychologist?" The espada asked, getting a snort from the man.
"So tell me, tubey how do you see yourself with the other members of your…er 'family'." Jake asked.
"Heh. Well…Szayel is a kiss ass flamboyant as hell cannibal who needs to shut the hell up before he gets my sandal up his tight ass, oh wait, it probably isn't tight at all! ...Promiscuous bastard. Grimmjow needs to be put down because he's a goddamn rabid cat. Uliquorra is all right…I suppose only when he isn't emoing and trying to cut himself, which by the way I have no connection in helping him with. But I! I am the oldest out the espadas! I get no respect from the youngins'!! It infuriates me!" Jake nodded as he drew doodles of Aaroniero being eaten by a shark.
"How sad. Too bad I don't really give a shit, gramps."
"Oh so now that's going to be my new nickname for you, isn't it?"
"No. You're still tubey…or Dilly…Dill yeah, I kinda like that better. Say…seeing as how you have koolaid in there can I get some; I threw the rest of my tea at your ugly ass face before. I just need to install this faucet and then-" Aaroniero gave Jake one of the nastiest, meanest looks he could muster and the man immediately hid the golden faucet piece underneath the couch again.
"You know though…you would make a pretty good walking water dispenser. I can see it now! New! Portable water dispenser! Don't worry about buying water bottles anymore it's all right here for you."
"Would you just shut the hell up about the tank!!! I told you not to make me take my mask off!" The espada began to sob, one hand going over each head as they both cried.
"Nobody loves Aaroniero!!!" He sobbed as Jake willfully tried to persuade himself to comfort the espada…it failed, rather miserably in fact.
"Aw. What's wrong? Don't you have any lady friends to comfort you and bake you cookies to make you feel better?" The espada just shook his head. Of course he didn't he was…FREAKY! No one would ever date him! Although there was Cirucci, but that just reminded him of the whore house experience and he mentally vomited in his helmet. Especially when they saw his ugly ass dual faces it would instantly ruin, if he ever even got that far with mindless flattery and ass kissing of his date, their dinner had they planned one. He shook his tube head the water in it spilling out a little onto the just refurbished rug. Jake inwardly cringed, that was another two hundred bucks off his pay check…goddamn FISHTANKS!
"Well…there is this one girl, Rukia. See she killed this poor bastard named Kaien, right? And she was all AHMAHGHADS KAIEN DONO IS THE BEST DESU! And she's like one hundred years younger than him! Talk about age difference! So anyway she ends up killing the dumb bastard because he wanted to avenge his dead wife by taking on a hollow he's totally over powered by, happens that he got fucking pwnt and ended up possessed by it. So she goes and kills him by stabbing him right through the stomach! Like a delicious shishkabob!!! So all the while she doesn't know that I'm using his face as a disguise for my own ugly as sin one…TO KILL HER!!!" Jake nodded taking notes and writing a living will for himself because he sure as hell wasn't going to live much longer after this…
"Uh huh, I see. Using the guilt because-you-killed-your-secret-one-true-love-strategy, eh?" The espada nodded vigorously as if this strategy was well known and extremely popular.
"YES! It's flawlessly perfect!"
"Indeed…now was this after you did LSD or before the meth induced coma? Because I don't think I've heard a more fucked up love story, other than that one time with the girl and the fish, in awhile…and trust me that fish story was whacked!" Jake replied laughing as the espada just titled his head towards the floor.
"I could use a burger right now…" the shriller of the two whispered. Jake was intrigued by the fact that this thing knew just what the hell a burger was, and the fact that it made reference to food before in its oddly, somewhat believable, love story."You aren't…bulimic, are you?" He asked his voice masked in a serious tone, even though secretly he really didn't give a shit! Aaroniero just titled his head to the side.
"No, no! I am the espada which eats its victims and therefore gains their abilities!!! FEAR MY TENTACLES!!!" He hissed his hand instantly changing into creepy slimy tentacles. Jake almost fell backwards. "Holy crap!!! I don't need images of tentacle pr0n in my mind, goddamn it!" He yelled slapping the espada's hand away and growling. But with a blink the espada's hand reverted back to normal.
"Heh. Foolish human my sword's name is Glotonería." The espada said, tapping the hilt of his sword. Jake looked at it dully then looked back at the espada, then the sword again.
"Uh huh…it that what you foreigners call it nowadays? And you even go as far as to name it?! DISGUSTING!" Of course Jake knew that he wasn't talking about "that" but yeah…the freaky shrunk, floating head's LOLI'MINAFISHTANK, expression was all too amusing to watch.
"Wh-wha-" Jake held up a hand shaking his head as if he understood perfectly well.
"No! Wait it's not like…"
"I'm sorry but you'll just have to stop talking now, I don't understand fish." Jake replied as he bent over, pretending to be working meticulously on Aaroniero's chart. All the while the espada said about fifty curse words, all strung together nicely in interesting pairings too.
"Anyway. I think this session can be deemed as futile, pointless, and over and you're still a creepy ass, bipolar, ruffle representative, freak! So my work here is done!" Jake exclaimed one finger pointing up, it just happened to be his middle.
"B-But we're two different entities!!! How are we bipolar!"
"That's what they all say…multiple personality disorder is not a joke, Mr. Aaroniero…I mean tubey."
"…you knew how to say my name the entire time, didn't you?"
"Why yes, yes I did."
"You're a goddamn asshole." Jake smirked as he watched the ninth espada turn on a heel and storm off towards the door. The espada heard a slap like sound, like a wet noodle hitting into a wall, he knew that it was another fish…probably given to him to keep him company. Jake heard the distinct curses as the espada slammed the door shut and Jake was left looking at two broken tea cups on the floor. Well…hopefully all the other crazy bastards hade tea-phobias too…it'd make his life a lot, lot, easier.
Fin
((A/N: Terribly sorry about the wait on this one, folks. I blame vacation -cough- totally not lazy -coughcough- Though I think you can all live with the wait and all. I also apologize for the horriblness of this chapter (at least I find it to be somewhat not as funny as the others) I had a severe case of writer's block at the end of this chapter so if it seems not as funny…blame that nuisance called Writer's Block! Oh yes Happy Birthday reference -if anyone doesn't know/wanted to know- is from that one Loony Toons episode with the bulldog and the cat, LOLIGAVECREDIT! In conclusion hope you enjoy it all the same! Oh yes don't forget to read and review! They are muchly appreciated and loved! Next chapter might take awhile to get up...I fear my semester this time around is going to be more hectic. ))