9:30 Ostagar – the King's forces prepare to meet the darkspawn horde.
Alistair was furious. He paced, fists tight and held by his side, as the army camp readied itself for the forthcoming battle. Duncan's words rang in his head. This is by the King's personal request. He was to be kept out of the battle, away from the wardens, and sent on a fool's errand! They don't want to risk losing their spare Theirin! He thought scornfully, a bitter taste in his mouth. He kicked out at a stone and sent it flying into the undergrowth. Frustration rose in him, icy tendrils wrapping themselves around his heart.
No matter how hard he ignored or fought against it, his blood was going to define him forever. It's not fair the little boy inside him despaired. He strode to the relative quiet of the ruined South West tower. The clamour of the camp was muted here and he forced himself to calm, breathing out as much tension as he could. He rested his hands on a ruined wall and looked out over the Korcari Wilds. Duncan knew him well. Alistair would always do his duty and therefore he could always be manipulated. Do I even know what I want, he wondered. He remembered the way his stomach had flipped with relief when Duncan's new recruit had made it safely through the Joining. She'd seemed just as indignant at being excluded from the battle, he recollected, and thought about the spark that ran through him when she expressed this. You're so beautiful, he'd wanted to tell her, but muttered something ridiculous about wearing a dress instead. He shook his head in despair. I really am an idiot!
XXX
"You risk all for personal glory, Cailan! Your reckless obsession with the Grey Wardens could damn us all!" Loghain's voice carried beyond the King's tent, scorn and contempt evident in his tone.
Cailan's usual amenable nature evaporated and fire flashed in his eyes. "You presume too much, Loghain. The Wardens are worthy of our trust and the honour I do them is in memory of my father. We've beaten the darkspawn before and we will do so again." He turned away as if the conversation was over and was surprised when Loghain grasped his shoulder, turning him back.
"Do not play the politician with me!" Loghain spat. "I've known you too long. This has nothing to do with Maric, and everything to do with you playing the hero! War is not a glorious and magnificent game, boy. It's a necessary evil to protect our people and our lands. Your determination to view this situation as your personal playground leaves me cold."
Cailan riled, his face twisted in anger and his fists clenched. "How could you think so little of me?" He exclaimed. "You are Anora's father and my trusted advisor but if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you in a cell!"
"Yes, let's talk about Anora." Loghain sneered and he stepped close to the King, his eyes blazing with emotion. "Have you considered you duties as a husband to her recently? I note you enjoy the company of other women of the court, but rarely attend to the Queen as your responsibilities dictate!"
Cailan was taken aback, but waved this aside. "That is not your concern, Loghain. Anora has what she wants from our relationship. Power and prestige. That's all she cares about…."
He was interrupted by Loghain stepping into his space, their faces almost touching. "Watch your words carefully, Cailan." He hissed. "Remember who you're speaking too. My daughter has kept your throne safe. She makes the decisions you're incapable of!" He exclaimed in disgust at the blank expression on Cailan's face. "With your leave, my king, before I say something I might regret…" and he left; Cailan seething with emotion.
XXX
Alistair heard footsteps approaching and turned, expecting to see Duncan. He hadn't expected to find a mirror image of himself and stumbled over a polite greeting looking confused and dismayed. Cailan waved his attempts aside and sighed. "Alistair, you, of all people, don't need to concern yourself with that nonsense around me. You deserve that, at least." He stood beside him, resting his hands beside the younger man's on the wall. "The ruins are wonderful, are they not? Do you know their history?"
Alistair looked at him, his head to one side, and a question in his eyes. "I know it's been abandoned for centuries, your Majesty." He wasn't oblivious to Cailan's flinch at the use of his title. This was an interesting, if awkward, game, but what were the rules? He waited for the King to play his next move and noticed the tension around Cailan's eyes.
"Duncan speaks highly of you." The King turned his head to Alistair and gave him a sincere smile. "I'm quite envious, you know. To be a Grey Warden must be a wonderful thing. I'm honoured to have you all by my side."
Alistair considered him for a moment before deciding to take a risk. "Not all of us. I won't be with you. If you recall, I'm banished to the tower." He rocked slightly on his feet, ready to back track if he had too.
Cailan looked shocked, but then took him by the shoulders noticing Alistair was a little taller than he was and words kept back for years poured out. "Do you want me to say it's not fair? It isn't. Never acknowledged, but expected to do your duty nonetheless. Abandoned by your parents, rejected by those in whose care you had been placed. Sent away and made to feel you never quite measured up to everyone's expectations of you, and finally finding a place with the Wardens and being told you can't be with them when it matters most. I'm so sorry. It shouldn't have been this way, but I need you… alive preferably."
Alistair opened his mouth in surprise, his anger deflated by Cailan's heartfelt words. He looked so earnest in his apology that all his pent up tension left his body and he glanced down at his feet in confusion. "I don't know how I'm meant to react, Cailan. You're my King. I've never allowed myself to think of you as anything else." There was an uncomfortable silence as they studied each other, and then a warm and easy smile crept onto Cailan's face reminding Alistair so much of his own that he couldn't help but return it. They stood grinning at each other for a moment before the older man spoke.
"Look, I've sprung this on you. I just needed you to know that I've thought of you often, and that perhaps, if you're willing, we could talk further when all of this is over? Forgive me for sending you to the tower. After all…" he nodded vaguely in the direction of Duncan's campfire where the Warden's newest recruit waited. "….the company should be welcome, yes?" He clapped his brother on the arm in a friendly gesture. "We'll speak later, Alistair. Stay safe." He met his brother's eyes in a last, silent farewell, smiled again and left a flustered Alistair watching his retreating back.
XXX
Duncan's newest recruit nervously waited beside Alistair, ready to move towards the tower and light the beacon on his mark. She chewed her lower lip thoughtfully. "I'm sorry you have to baby sit me. I know you'd rather be with Duncan and the others." She admitted eventually. He flashed an open smile at her. "Yeesss, because you're so defenceless!" He drawled sarcastically. "Duncan and the King have their own reasons for sending me to the tower. Probably, for you to baby sit me! What can I say? I'm a handful." She returned his smile with relief, he noted and a sparkle in her eyes. His heart thumped in his chest. Maker, look at the way she wields those dimples! Definitely not defenceless. He shook his head in mild amusement at his own predicament. "Come on, let's go."
XXX
Author's note:
To coin an American phrase, "You guys are awesome". I've really enjoyed writing this story, and although it hasn't been the most popular of my scribblings in terms of traffic, it's been received in the most positive of ways by all of you who have stuck with it through to the end. So, my sincere and grateful thanks for sharing the journey with me. Oh, and I couldn't resist adding Cousland – I've missed her!
I'd love to hear from anyone who has enjoyed this. In particular, what you liked, and didn't like. I tried really hard to get the character's right, but I haven't always been successful.
I mentioned in my last Author's note that I'd lost confidence and so shortened the story. Although I eventually added one additional chapter, there is still one missing. Unfortunately it falls between Chapters 2 and 3, and I have no idea if it's possible to insert a chapter at this stage…I'm not the most techy of people! For those who care, it would have been based on a 10 year old Alistair being sent to the Chantry by Eamon and Isolde, and possibly the wedding of Cailan and Anora. Maybe I'll do it as a one shot. Let me know if anyone's interested.