Back by popular demand (and my own crazy mind, hooray for inspiration!) I give you The Fred and George Variety Hour - Episode Numero Dos! (Spanish for 'Number two' [get your minds out of the gutter, or should I say toilet? Okay, forget it, I am horrible at washroom humour). Moving on to my favourite part: the disclaimer! (sarcasm, my dear reader, sarcasm)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter characters featured. I do, however, own Karen, Sam and Tim! And of course the glorious audience! But, I really shouldn't spoil it for you now should I?
Camera Man: In five, four, three, two, one, we're rolling.
Fred: Live from New York, it's Saturday night!
Audience: Applauds
George: He's kidding; we're clearly a daytime talk show.
Fred: Welcome, and thank you for joining us on The Fred and George Variety Hour!
Audience: Applauds
George: We have a very special episode for you today-
Fred: I think you'll agree, George, that all our episodes are very special.
George: Of course I do, Fred, all I'm saying is that this episode is extra special.
Fred: I wouldn't want our viewers to get the wrong idea and think that we aren't special.
George: We're special-
Fred: our Mommy tells us so!
George: And that is exactly why this episode is so very extra special, because of our special guest today!
Fred: It's our Mommy!
George: Please welcome Mrs Weasley!
Audience: Applauds
Fred: Please sit down Molly, may I call you Molly?
Mrs Weasley: You may do no such thing; I am your mother, not some bimbo you meet on the street.
George: I don't know where you meet bimbos on the street but I would sure like some directions!
Awkward silence
Fred: Clears throat. Mum it is then. We've got some audience questions for you today Mum.
George: Yes, let's start with Karen in 22B.
Fred: Karen?
Karen: Hi Fred, George!
Twins: Hi Karen!
George: Let's hear your question Karen!
Karen: Mrs Weasley, did you know right away that Fred and George were on the road to fame?
Mrs Weasley: Certainly not dear. I thought they were on the road to getting a swift kick in the but-
Fred: we're a family program, keep it clean!
Mrs Weasley: It's rude to interrupt George-
George: Hey! I'm George, he's Fred. Points to Fred
Mrs Weasley: Oh honestly, why can't you both be more like Harry?
Fred: Harry Potter isn't even here Mum.
George: Is it time for a commercial break yet Tim?
Camera Man: Nope. Not even close.
George: Okay next question comes from Sam in 5E.
Sam: Thanks, it's really great to be here!
Fred: It's really great to have you here!
George: Ask away Sam!
Sam: Mrs Weasley, what was it like raising seven children?
Mrs Weasley: Eight children.
Fred: What?!
George: Um, maybe you should count that out for us, I only get seven.
Mrs Weasley: Let's see, there's Bill and Charlie, Percy, the two of you, Ron, Ginny and of course Harry. That's eight!
Fred: How does she manage to bring Harry into everything?
George: Maybe if we had him on the show the world would get over their obvious obsession.
Fred: Good idea. I wonder if he would want to come with the muggle doing origami?
George: I'll ask him. Pulls out cell phone
Mrs Weasley: Clears throat. It's rude to ignore your guests, boys. Did I not teach you any manners?
Fred: Of course you did, we just thought of them more as guidelines.
George: Hangs up phone
Fred: Well, what did he say?
George: Yah to the show, nah to the origami. Apparently he experienced some sort of traumatizing origami event. Never been the same around paper since.
Mrs Weasley: It must have been traumatizing to grow up with the Dursleys.
Fred: And you say we're ignoring you!
Camera Man: Boys, it's time for a commercial now.
George: Don't change that channel. When we return, Mrs Weasley is going to show us how to make something yummy!
Fred: Good gods, I'm starving.
Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, 'your stuff is safe with us'.
Commercial: Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, teach us something please! Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is the alma mater to such greats as Albus Dumbledore, You-Know-Who and Harry Potter. Enrol your child from birth and remember: never tickle a sleeping dragon.
Fred: Did you ever contact the lawyer about the whole You-Know-Who, U-No-Pooh thing?
George: No, but let me call him right now. Pulls out cell phone
Fred: Welcome back from the break, in case you live under a rock-
Mrs Weasley: Fred!
Fred: Sorry Mum. In case you're just joining us we have a very special guest on our program today, my dear, old-
Mrs Weasley: Clears throat
Fred: My dear and loving mother, Mrs Weasley!
Audience: Applauds
Fred: She is going to be showing us how to make a delicious pot roast.
George: We don't have a case.
Fred: Pardon?
George: The lawyer, he says we don't have a case unless we can prove that Mr Dark Lord knowingly created that nickname.
Fred: Well maybe we'll just have to interview him ourselves!
Mrs Weasley: He's dead.
George: So they keep telling us.
Fred: Thanks for the support Mum.
George: Anyways, on with the pot roast!
Fred: As you can see our coffee table has been replaced with a fully-equipped, working kitchen!
Audience: Applauds
George: Let's get to work!
All three: Put on aprons
Mrs Weasley: First thing is we take this piece of meat and put it in the pan-
Fred: What kind of meat are we using here?
Mrs Weasley: A nice shoulder cut of Hippogriff, but whatever looks good in the butcher shop that day will work equally as nice.
George: And for our vegetarian audience, could they substitute something in place of the Hippogriff?
Mrs Weasley: Well it's not really the same without the meat, but I suppose a few large, wild mushrooms might do the trick.
Fred: Folks, try to avoid the poisonous kind, they can leave you feeling nauseas-
George: or worse, dead!
Mrs Weasley: Here we have some peeled potatoes and carrots. Just run a knife through them and roughly chop into big pieces. Then throw those into the pot.
Fred: Careful with the knife, you wouldn't want to loose a digit!
George: Safety first here in the Weasley kitchen! What are you adding now?
Fred: Looks a little suspicious, are you sure this isn't, you know, "fun" pot roast?
Mrs Weasley: These are called herbs-
George: doesn't matter what you call 'em, Mum, they still shouldn't be going in the pot roast.
Mrs Weasley: It's just a bay leaf and a little thyme.
Fred: There you have it folks! This woman is amazing; she has managed to capture time!
George:Pokes Fred in the stomach
Mrs Weasley: Ignoring twins; you simply pop this in the oven for two hours, cook it nice and slow.
Fred: And with the magic of television-
George: or just magic in general-
Fred: here is the final product, voila!
Mrs Weasley: Holds up pot roast for a close up shot
George: Mmm, Buckbeak!
Camera Man: Guys…Points to watch
Fred: We have to take one last commercial break, but don't go anywhere-
George: We've got a surprise for a member of our studio audience!
Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, 'your stuff is safe with us'.
Commercial: Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, just a short walk down High Street in Hogsmeade, is your one stop shop for anything and everything quill! When you think 'write', think Scrivenshaft's.
Fred: That's certainly a mouthful.
George: No kidding, try saying that seven times fast.
Fred: Scrivenshafts, scrivyshafts, scurvyshafts, scurvyshofts, scurvyshots, shurvyshot, shurshot-
George: aaaand we're back! Welcome! This is The Fred and George Variety Hour, with yours truly and his truly too! Points to Fred
Fred: Definitely needs to go into our Tongue Twist Toffees.
George: We have one last thing we have to do before we leave you!
Audience: Groans
Fred: No, don't worry; we're not actually leaving you, just figuratively speaking.
George: As I was saying, we still have to give something away!
Audience: Cheers
Fred: But what have we got that can be given away?
Twins: Look around.
George: How about this? Holds up Keeping Ahead of the Game: The Ron Weasley Story
Fred: Nah, we tried that yesterday, can't re-gift.
George: Ah hah! I have it!
Fred: What?
George: I said "Ah hah! I have it!"
Fred: No, I know what you said; I meant what do you have?
George: I said I have an idea.
Fred: I know that but what is the idea?
George: Um, I forgot it?
Mrs Weasley: Ahem
Fred: I know! We can give away her culinary skills; Points to Mrs Weasley
George: You heard him folks, one lucky member of our audience will walk away with a dinner prepared by our mother!
Fred: Mum, pick a number between 1 and 250.
Mrs Weasley: Um…147?
George: Tim, who is seated in seat number 147? That would be in the H section.
Camera Man: Luna Lovegood!
Fred: Well that's all folks! Join us next time for another riveting episode of-
George: The Fred and George Variety Hour!
Camera Man: Rolls credits
Fred: Luna Lovegood, please come and claim your prize! Thank you Mrs Weasley for being on our show. Shakes Mrs Weasley's hand
George: Luna Lovegood?
Luna: Walks on stage
George: You know, Luna, I would love to have you on the show sometime, to talk about those Crumpled Horned Snack Foods you're always going on about.
Luna: Yes the Crumpled Horned Snorkack is a fascinating creature whose existence is actually quite captivating-
Screen: Goes blank.
Author's Note: What did you think? Let me know.
Review! Thanks to everyone who offered encouragement for me to continue, it was greatly appreciated! (And it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside)
I have a few more ideas for episodes kicking around, although I'm not sure if they will turn out well or not. I will try very hard for you guys!
Merci beaucoup! (French for 'thank you so much')