Disclaimer: Sadly I still don't own any of the Harry Potter characters featured.

I do own Tim and the audience though. Laughs maniacally.

Camera Man: We're on.

Fred: Hello out there! We're on the air! It's hockey night tonight!

George: We're actually a daytime talk show. What's hockey?

Fred: No idea. Tim?

Camera Man: Muggle sport.

Fred: Ah muggles, they do come up with the darnedest things!

George: Indeed they do. Muggles are great; some of my best friends were muggles.

Fred: This, by the way, is an excellent lead in to our guest for today…

George: Give your warmest welcome to-

Fred: Tom Marvolo Riddle!

Audience: Awkward silence

George: For those of you who are not familiar with his real name we are talking about You-Know-Who!

Audience: Boo!

Fred: Not to worry audience, he is completely harmless!

George: This is simply a spiritual representation of one of his souls.

Fred: And if he tries anything we have Harry Potter in the back!

Audience: Cheers

George: Not really, but don't fret, we have a pail of water on hand. He'll melt like a snowball in hell.

Fred: Some people say hell is actually really cold, based on the fact that love is warm-

George: Don't get all religious on me, we are non-denominational here.

Fred: Don't forget, we need to ask him about his U-No-Pooh name violation.

George: Why do you think we have him on the show in the first place?

Fred: Welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: Oh dear, we forgot to introduce the show!

Fred: What do you think I just did?

George: No I know, but I mean we're supposed to introduce the show at the very beginning; instead you were blathering on about hockey.

Fred: Well you were blathering on about muggles.

You-Know-Who: I hate muggles.

George: Who cares what you think? Besides you can't hate muggles, you're half-muggle for bleeding Merlin's sake!

Fred: Obviously you care what he thinks, otherwise he wouldn't be here.

You-Know-Who: I can hate whoever I want to hate.

George: Glares

Fred: Clears throat. So You-Know-Who-

George: You-Know-Who is an interesting name, how did you come up with it?

You-Know-Who: I would prefer you to call me Lord Voldemort.

Fred: Sorry, no can do You-Know-Who! The best I can do is Voldie.

Voldie: I would really prefer Lord Voldemort.

George: This is our show, we call you what we want. Now back to the name You-Know-Who…

Voldie: I actually didn't come up with that.

George: For some reason I don't believe a word you have to say.

Fred: Now, now George, play nice. Please continue Voldie.

Voldie: Thank you-

George: who knew, he has manners, ladies and gentleman!

Audience: Applauds

Voldie: Glares

George: Sorry-

Camera Man: George, we're at a commercial.

George: We're going to take a quick break, stay with us. Our guest today is You-Know-Who and before he leaves today we have a lot to cover!

Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Madam Malkin's, 'Robes for all occasions,'

Commercial One: Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? He's dead! You should be worrying about U-No-Pooh, the constipation sensation that's gripping the nation. Exclusively at Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 97 Diagon Alley.

Commercial Two: Need an inn? Want to drink at a pub where everybody knows your name? Try the Leaky Caldron, offering food, drinks and rooms for rent. Stop in at our location at Charing Cross Road in London, the gateway to Diagon Alley, and say hello to our innkeeper/barman Tom.

Fred: Reminds me a bit of a toothless walnut, he does.

George: I most certainly agree. But you have to admit he does make a pretty mean 'Screaming Orgasm'.

Fred: Too much information. Too much information!

George: It's a drink and you know it.

Fred: I just love playing with you.

George: Ew!

Fred: Shut it.

George: Welcome back to The Gred and Forge Variety-

Fred: The Fred and George Variety Hour and our special guest, Lord Voldemort!

Audience:Applauds

George: Before the break we were getting to the bottom of the various names of Lord Voldemort.

Fred: No matter what you call him, you can't deny he is one bad ass-

George: family program, Fred.

Fred: he's the devil incarnate.

George: Or worse.

Fred: If that's even possible.

George: You were about to tell us about the nickname you have acquired over the years.

Voldie: Yes, some people insist on calling me You-Know-Who, which is actually a good thing and a bad thing at the same time-

Fred: Could you elaborate for us?

George: Start with the good.

Voldie: Well it's good because it implies that everyone knows who I am.

Fred: And what is more important than being a famous face?

Twins: Smile cheekily

George: Speaking of faces, let's talk about yours.

Fred: Have you seen anybody?

George: Plastic surgeon-wise.

Voldie: Um…no.

Fred: How did you get so menacing looking?

George: The eyes, the nostrils, the pasty complexion, tell us-

Fred: what are your beauty secrets?

Voldie: Well I stay indoors, if I do go out I wear SPF 350, and I only eat raw meat.

Fred: So you're a carnivore?

George: Very simple tricks folks and you too can look like this!

Fred: Your skin is flawless.

Voldie: Why thank you.

George: Of course, now tell us about your childhood.

Voldie: I really rather not talk about it.

Fred: Oh come on, lots of people have an unfavourable childhood, look at Harry Potter-

Voldie:Hands around Fred's neck

George: Whoa! Whoa there big guy. Relax. Sit back down.

Voldie: Sits back down

Fred: Takes his chair and moves it far from Voldie's

George: Obviously a touchy spot, how about we move on to something a little less-

Fred: murderous.

George: When did you first decide that you wanted to be the dark lord?

Voldie: I was really young. I was put in Slytherin so I was basically condemned from the start.

Fred: You felt like you had to stand out?

Voldie: Sort of, I originally wanted to be a famous movie star. I went to auditions but I just wasn't what the casting people were looking for, so I killed them.

George: Laughs nervously. Voldie, this is a family program.

Voldie: So talking about killing is bad?

Fred: Very bad.

Voldie: Sorry.

George: It's okay, you didn't know.

Camera Man: Time for the performance.

George: Thanks Tim! Are you ready Voldie?

Voldie: Stands up and heads to makeshift stage.

Fred: What have you got for us Voldie?

Voldie: I'm going to do a cover of Pink's Just Like a Pill.

George: Go for it!

Voldie: Caressing microphone,

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me, I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done? I thought it would be fun

Back-up singers appear singing harmony,

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cause it's making me itch,
I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little b----,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Takes mic out of stand and beings to move out in front of the audience,

Run, just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

George: Thank you for joining us here at The Fred and George Variety Hour! Tune in next time for a new in depth, hard hitting interview with another influential member of the wizarding community.

Camera Man: Rolls credits

Voldie: Continues singing

Fred: I thought you said you wanted a muggle on the show?

George: Yes, an origami-doing muggle, what does that have to do with anything?

Fred: Well you said an 'influential member of the wizarding community' and an origami-doing muggle doesn't really fit that description.

George: Of course, but I…fine, you can do it next time.

Fred: I think that really went well, I think we showed another side of Voldie and I think the audience really enjoyed-

George: The audience!

Fred: Yes, we have an audience, that's not something new-

George: I am aware of that dear brother. What I am saying is that we forgot to give them their gift.

Fred: Right, do you want to do the honours or should I?

George: Go for it, nothing I do is ever good enough.

Fred: Oh shut it. Folks! Don't think we forgot about you! Each of you is receiving an autographed copy of Voldie's new CD, The Dark Lord Does the Basics.

Audience:Applauds

Keep reviewing and I will keep trying to write more episodes!

Ps. I also don't own the lyrics to Just Like a Pill