Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters featured. I do own the plot, and the script, and Tim, and the Harry-Potter-loving Audience, but thats about it.

Anyone watch Saturday Night Live? I know I referenced it before ("live from New York, it's Saturday night"). There are some references to an SNL sketch[Celebrity Jeopardy, the one with Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds (aka Turd Ferguson) and French Stewart but only for like two or three lines. I don't own SNL. And if you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about then just ignore these past two sentences.

I just thought of something else I own! The Brain Strain Math Game! Ha ha! Of course you think I am crazy right now, but you will understand soon enough.

On with the show!

Fred: You are my sunshine!

George: My darling Clementine!

Fred: I don't think that's how the song goes.

George: The one I was singing definitely goes like that. You are the one who got the lyrics wrong.

Fred: But I started, which means that you have to follow me.

George: What say Tim?

Tim: You're both crazy and we've been rolling this whole time.

Fred: Puts a hand over his heart; how could you Tim? I feel betrayed-

George: stabbed in the back-

Fred: let down-

George: grassed on-

Fred: George!

George: What?

Fred: This is a family show!

George: Right. Dear viewers and audience, please accept my profound apologies for mistakenly making an obscure reference to an illegal substance. Sincerely, George Weasley.

Fred: I forgive you.

Tim: Get a move on boys!

George: How come he doesn't have to apologize?

Fred: No idea.

George: Thinks he's above the law does he?

Fred: Below the law maybe.

Tim: BOYS!

Fred:Scowls; Fine. Smiles to audience; Welcome one and welcome all to The Fred and George Variety Hour.

George: Often imitated, never duplicated!

Twins:Smile cheekily;

Fred: On with the show!

George: Out with our guest!

Fred: Many of you may not know him-

George: Probably none of you actually-

Fred: Our guest today is Dudley Dursley!

George: Give him a round of applause folks!

Audience:Applauds

Fred: Ahem, Dudley Dursley!

George: Dudley Dursley?

Fred: Dudley Dursley, where are you?

George: Dudley Dursley, come on out!

Fred: Don't be shy Dudley Dursley

George: To Fred; if you say Dudley Dursley one more time I'm going to hex you!

Fred: Dudley Dursley!

George: ARGH-

Dudley Dursley: Finally appears onstage

Fred: Here he is everyone, Dudley Dursley!

Audience:Applauds

Fred: Please, tell everyone who you are.

Dudley Dursley: I'm Dudley Dursley.

George: Yes, I think they got that already.

Fred: Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the cousin of our dearly beloved Harry Potter!

Audience:Cheers

Fred: Now, tell us about the last time you saw Harry.

Audience:Cheers

Dudley Dursley: Well a bunch of authors showed up-

George: I think you mean Aurors.

Dudley Dursley: and they told us we had to leave.

Fred: Now when you say 'us' and 'we' you are referring to who?

George: Whom.

Fred: Whom? I've never heard of this whom person. Have you Dudley Dursley?

Dudley Dursley: Um…no?

George: Genius, it's (makes air quotes) "When you say 'us and 'we' you are referring to WHOM?" (Makes air quotes)

Dudley Dursley: Counting on fingers; me and my mom and my dad, that makes….3!

Fred: Of course it does.

George: And did your parents want to go?

Dudley: My dad kept changing his mind. Packing and unpacking-

George: Bit of an idiot, isn't he?

Fred: That's right folks, if an Auror tells you to do something you hop right to it!

George: Safety first, here on The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Fred: Dudley, was that when you had your tearful goodbye with Harry?

George: What were your last words to him?

Dudley: 'I don't think you're wasted mace.'

Audience:Silent, except for a cricket chirping;

Fred: That can't be right.

George:Fingers through cue cards; found it! Hands card to Fred;

Fred: I think the line was, "I don't think you're a waste of space".

Audience: Awe.

Fred: I think, sob, that's beautiful.

George: I think we're going to take a commercial break to compose ourselves, don't touch that remote!

Announcer: You are watching 'The Fred and George Variety Hour' on the WC. 'The Fred and George Variety Hour' is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by, The Weird Sisters' new album 'Blast End Screwt It All'.

Commercial One: Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour specializing in ice cream and various sundaes. Florean Fortescue is a world renowned ice cream connoisseur. If you haven't been in to see Florean you don't know what you are missing. Harry Potter buys his ice cream here!

Fred: How do they always manage to involve Harry Potter?

Audience:Cheers;

George: Stupid blatant marketing ploys…

Tim: Ahem!

George: Right, thanks for sticking with us, I'm Fred and he's George-

Fred: Reverse that-

George: And this is The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Fred: And it's game time!

Audience:Applauds

George: What game are we playing today?

Fred: It's the 'Brain Strain Math Game!'

Audience:Applauds

George: Here's how it works, Fred goes into a soundproof booth.

Fred: I'm claustrophobic, maybe you should go in the soundproof booth.

George: No, I'm the host.

Fred: It's cause you suck at math right? You don't want to be shown up by Dudley Dursley?

Dudley Dursley: Hey! I'm right here!

George: To Dudley; that's nice. Get in the booth, FRED.

Fred: Finish explaining the game, GEORGE.

George: Fine.

Fred: Fine. Goes into soundproof booth,

George: As I was saying, Fred goes in the soundproof booth-

Fred:waves merrily;

George: To Fred; I thought you couldn't hear anything! To Tim; I thought he couldn't hear anything!

Tim: To Fred; put the headphones on!

George: Yeah Fred; sticks out tongue; put on the headphones.

Tim: To George; there, now he can't.

Fred:Sticks out tongue at George;

George: Now Dudley, I'm going to ask you a series of math related questions and you give me the answer. Fred can't hear you, so when you're done we're going to see how many of the same questions Fred can get right. Got all that?

Dudley Dursley: Um…yes?

George: I (points to himself) ask you (points to Dudley) a question. You (points to Dudley) answer. Ready?

Dudley Dursley: Um, sure.

George: Okay, question one, no help audience!

Audience:Collective sigh;

George: Your street address plus the number of siblings you have.

Dudley Dursley: Um…I don't know?

George: Wow, um, okay, where do you live?

Dudley Dursley: Little Whinging.

George: And your street address is…?

Dudley Dursley: 4 Privet Drive.

George: Okay, so 4, good. Now how many brothers and sisters do you have.

Dudley Dursley: One.

George: Is that your final answer?

Dudley Dursley: …

George: I'm pretty sure you are an only child.

Dudley Dursley: What about Harry?

Audience:Cheers;

George: Audience, what did I say?! Dudley, he's your cousin! So that makes 0. So what is 0 plus 4?

Dudley: Um…5?

Fred: Are you people done yet?

George: NO! PUT YOUR HEAD PHONES BACK ON!!

Fred: Gees, sorry.

George: Dudley, 4 plus 0 equals 4, not 5.

Dudley Dursley: Oops.

George: That's okay, you're probably just nervous. Next question, how old was Harry when he got his magic letter?

Audience:Cheers;

Dudley Dursley: Harry has a magic letter? Is it 'H' or 'P'?

George:Glares at the audience; Audience, this is your last warning! Dudley, not a letter from the alphabet, a letter from the mail, how old was Harry when he got his letter for school? I'll give you a hint; you are the same age as him.

Dudley Dursley: Well I was…11, so he must have been 13?

George: Wrong! You were 11 and he was 11. Next question. Actually no, let's not, it's too complicated. Give me a number, any number, any number at all.

Dudley Dursley: Um…V?

George: V? Okay. Um not what I was looking for, but I will have to accept that as a correct answer. V is actually a Roman numeral that represents 5, so despite your best efforts you got it right!

Silence

George: I said he got it right, audience, you can cheer!

Audience:Applauds;

George: Honestly Tim, where did you get these burnouts?

Tim: George, it's a family-

George: I know, I know, we're a family program, I'm sorry.

Tim: We should bring out Fred…

George: Fine. Bring out Fred!

Fred: It's about time. What were you doing, inventing television? Oh wait, that's already been-

George: Question one Fred, Harry's early address plus the number of siblings Dudley has.

Fred: 3.

George: No. Where did you get 3?

Fred: Harry lived at 2 Privet Drive. And Dudley has one sibling; Harry.

George:Looks warningly at audience; Harry lived at 4 Privet Drive, and for the last time Dudley and Harry are COUSINS! Which makes you WRONG!

Fred: Wow, someone needs to take a chill pill.

George: GRRR. How old are children when they receive their Hogwarts letters?

Fred: Technically it's a Hogwarts letter singular, you only get one.

George:Fuming; just answer the question!

Fred: Fine, I was 10 and a half.

George: Fine, I will accept that as an answer. Next question-

Fred: Bring it on!

George: I was trying to before you rudely interrupted me.

Fred: Sorry.

George: Of course you are. All I need you to do for the second question is to give me a number, any number, any number at all. One, two, three, any number!

Fred: Threeve.

George: Threeve? That's not a number.

Fred: Yes it is. It's halfway between three and five.

George: That's four!

Fred: Threeve.

Twins:Continue bickering;

Camera pans to Tim;

Tim: That's all the time we have today, thank you for joining us on this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour. I'm Tim and on behalf of Fred and George I would like to thank our guest Dudley Dursley. If you would like to be a part of our studio audience then send an owl to The Fred and George Variety Hour care of the Witching Channel. Thank you and good afternoon!

Review!

Just to be clear, Dudley and Fred tie, they each got one right. And I realize that the audience didn't get a gift, but they were irritating George so I decided not to give them anything this time. Too bad for them.