I'm supposed to be studying, but I was in the mood to write, so here goes!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter-related, the song Happy Birthday, Fear Factor, M&Ms, or any person, TV show or movie that may be mentioned in the author's note.

Fred: Happy Birthday to you!

George: Happy Birthday to you!

Fred: Happy Birthday dear-

George: Psst! Who are we singing Happy Birthday too?

Fred: TIM!

George: Happy Birthday Tim!

Audience: Applauds

Tim: Guys, it's actually not my birthday.

George: How dare you use us like that!

Fred: We sing for you and it's not even your birthday?!

George: What a waste of our beautiful voices.

Fred: Well my voice is certainly beautiful, can't say the same about yours.

Tim: I'm sorry that you were misinformed, today is not my birthday.

Fred: George, tell Tim that we are not speaking to him any longer.

George: Tim, we are not-Hey! You just made me talk to him in telling him that we aren't speaking to him.

Fred: Fine, will someone please tell Tim that we aren't talking to him?

Tim: Come on guys, let's just forget it and get on with the show.

Fred: We are going to continue on with this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour, but not because it's what HE wants us to do.

George: We're simply doing it for our guest today.

Fred: Instantly brightening; We love him so!

George: Please welcome-

Fred: Gryffindor extraordinaire, Neville Short-derrière.

George: Who's Neville Short-derrière? I know a Neville Longbottom but…ohhhh!

Fred: Got it, did you?

George: Yeah, Short-derrière, Long-bottom, how clever.

Fred: I certainly thought so.

George: Welcome Neville Longbottom!

Audience: Applauds

Neville: Thanks! It's so nice to see you two again!

George: Of course, it's glorious to see you as well!

Fred: Wonderful!

George: Fant-abulous-eriffic!

Fred: That's not a word.

Neville: Actually, it's a combination of fantastic, fabulous and terrific.

George: Right you are Neville! Kind of like your 'threeve', Fred.

Fred: Blushes; so Neville, tell us about your life after Hogwarts.

George: Got a little lady? Got a job?

Neville: I teach at Hogwarts.

Fred: Really?

George: What subject? Hopefully not Defence Against Dark Arts, otherwise you'll be dead-

Fred: or worse-

George: within a year.

Neville: Herbology.

George: Herbology?

Fred: At least it's not Defence Against Dark Arts.

Neville: What's wrong with Herbology?

Fred: Suppose he's right, it's definitely not as bad as Divination.

Neville: Hey!

George: So Neville, have you settled down yet?

Neville: Actually I-

Fred: Who is she? I bet it's Luna!

George: Ahem!

Fred: Right, sorry, if not Luna then who?

Neville: Maybe you've heard of her, Hannah Abbott?

George: No, I don't believe we have.

Neville: She was in Hufflepuff, blonde hair, really pretty.

Fred: Why Neville, you little devil!

Neville: I don't know what you are insinuating but-

Tim: Clears throat

George: I hate to cut off that thought Neville, but we've to head to commercials. Join us after the break where we spend more time with our favourite Gryffindor, Neville Longbottom!

Fred: Don't touch that remote!

Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by The Shrieking Shack, 'The most haunted building in Great Britain'.

Commercial: Violated the law recently? You may find yourself in a sticky situation; more specifically – Azkaban prison. No longer run by Dementors, Azkaban is a safe and carefree environment. Located in the North Sea – where no one can find you and help you escape, á la Sirius Black and countless other Death Eaters – you will be hidden from immediate danger; and of course the death sentence in light of your evil acts. Azkaban: only your best interests in mind (if those best interests mean keeping you from living freely).

Silence

George: Ahem. Well that was certainly an informative commercial break.

Fred: Indeed, I thought that Sirius Black had been cleared?

George: As did I, perhaps we should put forth a public service announcement regarding his status.

Fred: Right away. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen-

George: boys and girls-

Fred: wizards and muggles-

George: actually just wizards.

Fred: Sirius Black, the late god-father of Harry Potter-

Audience: Cheers

George:Glares; the late god-father was not, I repeat not-

Fred: Not!

George: Glares

Fred: Sorry, but you said-

George: He was not a Death Eater, nor was he responsible for the deaths of one wizard and twelve muggles.

Fred: Speaking of The Godfather, have you seen that movie Neville?

Neville: Um, no I haven't. Must be muggle?

Fred: Indeed it is, starring the late-

George: the great-

Fred: Marlon Brando!

Audience: Applauds

George: Oh, I thought we were going for Al Pacino.

Fred: Both, I suppose.

George: So Neville, tell us about this…thing…you have brought to show our audience!

Fred: Yes indeed. What is…it?

Neville: It's my pet plant.

Fred: Wasn't aware that vegetation counted as a pet.

George: Me either. What's its name?

Neville: Mimbulus mimbletonia.

George: Quite a long name for something so disgusting looking.

Fred: How about we call it M&M?

George: In case you are seated near the back and can't see it's a plant resembling a grey cactus covered in boils.

Fred: Where'd you get M&M?

Neville: It was a gift from my Uncle Algie.

Fred: I'm sure that's a fascinating story Neville but right now its-

George: game time!

Fred: Get your game face on! It's time to separate the boys from the men.

George: The salt from the sea.

Fred: The pupil from my eye.

George: Ew Fred, that's just gross!

Fred: That one took it a little too far, didn't it?

George: I'll say.

Fred: Right, sorry then.

George: What's our game for today, Fred?

Fred: It's Fear Factor Friday!

George: He's kidding, today is clearly Monday.

Fred: Indeed it is a Monday. But don't you agree that Mondays are generally humdrum and blah?

George: I agree. Although I think you'd agree that I disagree that humdrum and blah are not adjectives.

Fred: Au contraire, mon frère. Humdrum and blah are both adjectives meaning dull and unexciting.

George: Free English lessons!

Fred: Only on The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Audience: Applauds

George: On with the game!

Neville: What's Fear Factor Friday?

Fred: We're glad you asked Neville! Fear Factor is a muggle television program in which contestants perform stunts and the winner receives a cash prize.

George: Unfortunately the only thing you are doing this for is ratings; you understand how it is in show biz.

Neville: Uh, what sort of stunts?

Fred: Scary things!

George: Creepy things!

Fred: Frightening things!

Neville: Yes, I picked up on that. But what is my 'stunt'?

Fred: Glad you asked.

George: Have you eaten yet Neville?

Neville: I had breakfast, but that was a while ago. I could use something to eat. Somehow I get the feeling that I'm going to regret that answer.

George: Why would you get that feeling?

Neville: No idea.

Fred: Anyways, we have prepared a meal for you!

Neville: You have? Oh, that was nice of you. Wait a minute, Fear Factor, which means it must be something gross.

Fred: Quite perceptive you are!

George: We have macaroni and maggots for you!

Audience: EW!

Neville: Suddenly I'm not very hungry. Thanks anyways!

George: Not so fast Neville.

Fred: How did you get into Gryffindor anyways? We Gryffindor's pride ourselves on our brave and courageous nature.

Neville: Alright, you eat it then!

Fred: EW!

George: No way!

Neville: Grins in satisfaction

George: I suppose I see your point.

Fred: Yes, the fog has cleared.

George: What fog?

Fred: Never mind, it's all in your head.

George: How can it be in my head? You're the one who saw the fog!

Fred: Forget it.

George: Fine.

Tim: Moving on.

Fred: Neville, will you tell HIM that we are still not talking to HIM.

Neville: Sure, but who is HIM?

George: Tim.

Neville: Right. Tim, the twins have told me to inform you that they are still not talking to you.

Tim: Yes thanks, I got that already.

Neville: No need to shoot the messenger.

Fred: For being such a great sport Neville, we are going to take you to The Burrow for dinner!

Neville: No maggots?

George: No maggots, just Mrs Weasley's delicious home cooking.

Neville: Thanks guys!

Fred: Anytime.

Neville: Will Harry be there?

George: ARG!

Neville: Is that a yes?

George: Glares

Fred: No.

Neville: Looks crestfallen; oh. Well I think I'll take a rain check. Thanks anyways guys.

George: Sure.

Tim: Neville, will you tell THEM that its time to wrap it up.

Neville: Sure, but who is TH-

Tim: The twins!

Neville: Right, um, Fred, George? Tim asked me to tell you that-

Fred: We heard.

George: Thanks for joining us for this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour where we promote Harry Potter shamelessly.

Audience: Cheers

Fred: I'd be nice if I were you, audience, George might decide to not give you a gift today.

George: Thanks to Neville Longbottom for joining us today! Every member of the audience will leave with a doggy bag of macaroni and maggots to take home for dinner!

Fred: I hate to say I told you so.

Review! It only takes a second, but it means the world to me.

derrière - behind (as in bum)

Au contraire, mon frère. Literally this means 'on the contrary, my brother' but is really meant as 'on the contrary, my friend'.

I hope you have enjoyed this little French lesson!

I was thinking about Tim (the camera man, duh!) and who would play him if this was a real show (because obviously the twins would be played by the twins). I have it narrowed down to two possibilities.

First, I think if you put Jon Favreau in a head set and a ball cap and behind a large camera like they use for TV and movies, I think he would look really authentic, or at least that's how I picture him in my mind. (In case you have no idea who I am talking about Jon Favreau is the guy who was on Friends as that really rich guy Monica dated for a few episodes, he was also in the movie The Replacements [football movie with Keanu Reeves and played the SWAT/crazy guy Danny Bateman. And if you still have no idea, then look him up on Google because I know you all know who he is.)

My other potential Tim would have to be Wayne Knight (He played the cop [Sally's boyfriend on 3rd Rock From the Sun, he was in Jurassic Park and he won the season finale of Thank God You're Here. Look him up because I know you all know who he is too). The only way Wayne Knight would work though is if Tim had a larger role, just because Wayne Knight is such an amazing comedic actor, the current role of Tim would stifle his creative and comedic potential (if there is such a thing).

Anyways, that's just who I envisioned in the role of Tim. Let me know who you picture when you read the part of Tim.