Disclaimer: I do not own anything HP. I only own Tim, the audience (including the unfavourable audience member) and Yoshi! (Who is actually named after one of my TA's from last term [real last name not used in chapter) I also own the script, wahoo!
Fred: Good morning Baltimore!
George: Every day's like an open door!
Fred: Every night is a fantasy!
George: Every song's like a symphony!
Tim: Boys…
Fred: Sometimes a girl just needs one.
George: Boys…to love her and to hold.
Tim: I'm serious. We do not need a repeat of last episode.
George: Yes, we all know how that turned out.
Fred: Unforgettable…
George: That's what you are!
Screen shows clip from previous episode of audience receiving macaroni and maggots.
Audience: Ew! Ick!
George: Quite disgusting.
Fred: Most unpleasant.
George: Very repulsive.
Tim: Clears throat.
Fred: Good morning Tim!
George: Good morning Audience!
Fred: Ever feel like you've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it?
Tim: I'm warning you!
George: Don't say that-
Fred: later will be better!
Tim: Glares
George: Clearly Tim is not in good spirits this morning folks.
Fred: How about we sing him a song?
Tim: No!
George: Hum him a tune?
Tim: No!
Fred: George, you couldn't carry a tune if it was in a bucket, let alone hum one.
George: Ignoring Fred; Chant him a hymn?
Tim: No!
Fred: You're just jealous because I'm better looking than you!
George: Yes, that's exactly it. You hit the nail on the head with that one.
Tim: If you two don't get on with the show I'll…I'll…
Fred: You'll…you'll…you'll what?
George: Be nice Fred, I like Tim. He's the coolest Camera Man ever!
Audience: Applauds
Tim: Flattery will get you nowhere.
George: We'll put you on our show.
Tim: There won't be a show if you don't get moving.
Fred: We're moving, we're moving, gees.
George: Good morning Baltimore-
Fred: and welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!
George: While we may not be located in Baltimore we do have an exciting episode planned for today, don't we Fred?
Fred: We certainly do George.
George: We've been talking about this guest since episode one!
Audience: Cheers, some people begin chanting: HAR-RY POT-TER! HAR-RY POT-TER!
Fred: NO! No, settle down!
George: Good gracious goodness people.
Fred: They have an addiction.
George: Do they ever! They need rehab or something.
Fred: Definitely.
George: We were actually referring to the origami-doing-muggle!
Fred: Please welcome-
George: An origami-doing-muggle!
Audience: Applauds
Origami-Doing-Muggle: Thanks! Thank you so much! You are too kind!
Fred: Welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!
George: Please, introduce yourself!
Origami-Doing-Muggle: My name is Yoshi Smith and I am an origami expert!
Fred: Is it all right if we continue to call you Origami-Doing-Muggle?
Yoshi Smith: Um…okay?
George: Pleasure to meet you Mr Origami-Doing-Muggle!
Mr Origami-Doing-Muggle: Thanks, its great to meet you both.
Fred: Tell us about origami, Mr Origami-Doing-Muggle. Actually that's a bit of a mouthful, I may actually call you Yoshi, if that's all right with you.
Yoshi: Of course!
George: That's his name Fred, why would he mind you calling him by his name?
Fred: I don't know, he might prefer to be called 'sir', or maybe he has a nickname or something.
George: Like what? O.D.M?
Fred: O.D.M?
George: Origami-Doing-Muggle!
Fred: Rolls his eyes; of course, how very clever of you.
Yoshi: Clears throat.
Fred: Right, so Yoshi, you were about to tell us all about origami?
George: What is it? Who can do it? What materials do you need in order to origami? Where can you origami? How much does origami-ing cost?
Yoshi: So many questions!
Fred: Points to George; Don't mind him, he's kind of crazy.
Yoshi: Right, well let's start at the beginning then. Origami is an ancient art form, originating in Japan-
Fred: That's an island right?
Yoshi: Yes, located off of Asia. Anyways, origami is the art of folding paper-
George: Does it have to be special paper?
Yoshi: Not at all, you can use anything you have on hand-
Fred: Construction paper?
Yoshi: Yes.
George: Sticky notes?
Yoshi: Why not?
Fred: Napkins?
Yoshi: Actually you might run into some issues with napkins, they tend to fall out of their folds almost immediately.
George: So that's a 'no' to the napkins?
Yoshi: Yes, that's a 'no'. Back to answering your questions, you can do origami anywhere and the only cost would be that of the paper-
Fred: Pay attention folks, we have lots of free fun for you here on The Fred and George Variety Hour!
George: Maybe if you stopped interrupting…
Fred: Me? You're the one who asked 5 million questions in a row before giving the guy a chance to answer.
George: It was only 4, drama queen.
Fred: It was 5 and you did not just call me a drama queen.
George: Oh I did. What are you going to do about it?
Tim: I'm going to do something, I'm cutting to commercial.
Yoshi: And after the break I will show you how to do your own origami right at home!
Audience: Applauds
Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Yoshi Smith's New York Times bestseller 'The Art of Paper Folding'.
Commercial: St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries is not your average hospital. Our Healers and Mediwizards wear striking lime-green robes, never has a place of healing been so fashion forward! So the next time you are in a life or death situation choose St. Mungo's, where Harry Potter is often spotted visiting patients!
George: I wonder if Harry gets royalties every time someone uses his name or likeness in their ads.
Fred: He would make millions of galleons during our time slot alone.
George: Speaking of our time slot, welcome back!
Fred: And thank you for joining us.
George: We are Fred and George, your faithful hosts and this is Yoshi, our spectacular desk.
Fred: I think he means guest.
Yoshi: Thanks for having me!
Fred: You were going to show us some origami before we were rudely interrupted by our sponsors?
Yoshi: Of course. Everyone at home, grab a piece of paper and follow along!
George: If everyone in the audience would check under their seats they will find a piece of paper so they too can join in on the fun!
Fred: Don't screw up, you only get one sheet!
George: Guard it with your life!
Yoshi: So first we are going to fold the paper in half lengthwise. Then fold it back to make a crease.
George: What are we making Buck-o?
Fred: Maybe you need to go to St. Mungo's, George, his name is Yoshi!
Yoshi: Completely slipped my mind! We're making a paper airplane!
Fred: Sweet deal!
Yoshi: So the next step is to fold down the corners. Then fold on the crease we made earlier.
George: What's it supposed to look like so far?
Yoshi: Like a house. Square on the bottom with a triangle on top!
Fred: Clearly he's never been to our house before.
Audience: Laughs.
Yoshi: Now we're going to fold down the wings. And voila an airplane! Holds up a complicated version of a paper airplane with origami landing gear, etc. Let's see how you two have done!
Fred: Holds up a standard issue paper airplane; I think I got the hang of it!
Yoshi: Good job Fred! How about you George?
George: Blushes and holds up a crumpled ball of paper; I think it,ahem, needs a little work.
Yoshi: With a little practice you will catch on in no time.
Some member of the audience: I BET HARRY POTTER COULD DO BETTER!
Yoshi: That wasn't very nice, he tried and that is what's important!
Fred: Bad idea Mr Audience Member.
George:Bewitches a large army of paper airplanes that happened to be backstage to fly at the unsuspecting evil audience member.
Mr Audience Member: ARGH! Runs out of studio as army of paper airplanes tries to attack him;
Yoshi: What was that?!?
Fred: What was what?
Yoshi: Those airplanes!
George: We have assistants backstage, they threw them.
Yoshi: Oh.
Tim: Time to wrap it up boys!
Fred: Yoshi, why don't you do the honours!
Yoshi: Sure, thanks George!
George: Still red in the face; I'm George!
Yoshi: Sorry George, thanks Fred.
George: No harm done.
Yoshi: You have been watching The Fred and George Variety Hour on The WC. I'm Yoshi Smith, they're Fred and George, and thanks for tuning in!
George: Great job Yoshi!
Fred: You know, for a muggle you're actually pretty cool!
Yoshi: For a what?
George: To Yoshi; Nothing! To Fred; great, now we have to Obliviate him!
Fred: How is that my fault?
George: You just called him a muggle!
Fred: Me? I wasn't the one who sent an army of paper airplanes to attack an unfavourable audience member!
George: Fine!
Fred: Fine!
George: We still have to Obliviate him!
Fred: Pulls wand out of pocket and points it at Yoshi;
Yoshi:Notices wand being pointed at him; Hey! What are you doing?
George: Removing your memory of this.
Yoshi: Why?
Fred: You're a muggle. You can't know we exist!
Yoshi: I'm not a muggle!
George: You're not?
Yoshi: I'm a wizard!
Fred: Well that explains how you're so good at origami.
Yoshi: No, that's simply talent. I can't believe you guys thought I was a muggle.
George: I can hardly believe it myself. Audience, not only do you get to keep the airplanes you made but you are also all receiving a copy of Yoshi's book, The Art of Paper Folding.
Audience: Applauds
Review! I get a lot of hits on this fic and only a very small fraction of reviews. I would love to hear from each and every one of you!
P.s. I also do not own the lyrics to Good Morning Baltimore from the musical Hairspray, Stuck in a Moment by U2, Boys by Britney Spears or Unforgettable by Nat King Cole. I also don't own the New York Times, not even a single copy.