Not Going Anywhere
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.
Hey everyone, so this is the third chapter, and probably my least favorite so far. Some parts of it are so shallow in writing… maybe I'm just being to harsh on myself. Let me know what you think! And thanks for the comments thus far!
Chapter 3 – There She Is
If I told you that she wasn't in my dreams again that night, I'd be lying. Her perfect glowing face haunted me each time I closed my eyes. I tried to replace her face with the image of Avery, but it just wouldn't stick. It would always just go back to Ashley.
I turned over to face my nightstand from on top of which bright red numbers told me that it was 3:35 AM. I internally groaned. I swear to God, that clock read 3: 32 twenty minutes ago. Each part of my body tingled, afraid to sleep because I would inevitably dream of her, and further open the wound that gaped internally. I could vaguely feel Avery's warm breath on my back, rhythmically brushing me with warm air. I envied the apparent soundness of her sleep. The sureness that she felt in herself. The contentment and confidence she had in me.
Morning came way too soon. I normally appreciated the melodic chirps of the early birds, but today I wished that I were armed with a bb gun. The rays of sun that peeked through the trees and filtered in through my windows appeared in splotches of light along the floor. They were unwelcome in this comfortable and uniform darkness. Soon though, the light seemed to overtake the dark, and I had no choice but to accept the new day, regardless of how unprepared I was to face it.
I tried to rise from the bed without waking Avery. For some reason the thought of saying good morning to her as if nothing was wrong made my stomach roll with nausea. It was inevitable though, wasn't it? I mean, unless I knew exactly what was wrong everything WAS normal…right?
Unfortunately I didn't have much time to think it over. My sneaky plan failed, and I felt a soft hand gently grab my wrist as I pushed myself up, beckoning a hymn from the mattress springs. Damn old bed.
"Morning, Spence" She said mid yawn, eyes still closed, stretching each of her limbs except her hand, which was still clasped around my wrist.
"Morning" I uttered quickly and quietly, as I slipped my arm away from her and got up. I didn't look at her as I made my way across the room toward my closet. I flipped idly through my clothes on their hangers, my mind not really on the task of selecting Monday's outfit, but I had to look occupied.
A pair of arms wrapped themselves lovingly around my waist, and I felt a chin rest on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, lost in my own whirlpool of unfathomable emotion.
"So we never did get to finish what we started outside of the Starbucks yesterday," I could feel her words rather than hear them. She spoke so softly that more audible than her words was the tickle of her breath warming my ear. "Can I expect to witness part 2 anytime soon?" I laughed uncomfortably, moving out of her caress to the other side of my closet where I pretended to be preoccupied with clothes. I hoped that she didn't catch my lack of answer. "Something wrong, Spence?" She asked sweetly, and for the first time since getting up I looked at her. It was as if her caring doe eyes could extend a hand that forced its way down my throat, located my heart, and squeezed it until it bled. My somewhat baseless guilt intensified hugely, and I could feel my cheeks getting red. I shook my head dismissively and turned away so that she couldn't see my face,
"Yeah, fine." I uttered unconvincingly. "I, uh, forgot to do the physics homework so I wanted to get to school early so that I could finish it" I lied. Why did I just lie like that?
"Okay" she mumbled, clearly not buying it, but pressing no further. She knew I was bothered, and was giving me my space. I couldn't understand why these small little qualities couldn't make me love her. Everything in my mind told me that I should cling to this girl with every muscle in my body. She was amazing. My gut wasn't quite as sure.
We continued to get dressed and ready in silence. It took me about a half hour to even select an outfit, but I finally settled on a long and baggy white shirt, a black belt around my waist, black leggings, and black wedges. My mom attempted to shove food in our mouths as we headed out the door, but I resisted, wanting as little opportunity as possible for conversation. All I wanted right now was to be alone with my thoughts, and as much as Avery tried to back off when I was upset, just her presence there aggravated me. Wondering why it aggravated me aggravated me further.
There was little conversation on the drive over besides discussing some plans for after school.
"So I should probably head home after school for a bit to let my family know that I'm still alive and haven't grown any extra limbs in the hundred years its been since they've seen me" Avery smiled. I could feel her probing eyes on me, burning a hole in the side of my face. I smiled half-heartedly, hoping that she'd just take that and be happy with it. My peripheral vision caught her smile flickering, just for a moment. She knew something was up. "So maybe we can just confirm later plans via text message?"
"Sounds good." I said lamely. Why did I need to be so difficult right now? "Want me to drop you off at the bio-lab? I know you've got that first" I said, trying to redeem myself a little. Her smile was back, probably touched at the fact that I knew her schedule by heart.
"Yeah sure, thank you. The walk across campus can be so irritating during first period with all of the human traffic." She laughed lightly, and I tried to as well.
We finally pulled up in front of the bio-lab and she clicked her seatbelt off. For a moment she just sat there, her mouth hanging partially open as if she were about to say something. I turned my head and looked at her expectantly. Her eyes lingered on mine for a moment, and then she blinked and she closed her mouth. "Thanks, Spence. I'll see you at lunch" She said finally. She gave me a quick kiss, then got out of the car with her ten-ton backpack, and strode through the big glass doors.
I had until lunch to be alone. Avery and I shared very few classes – she had been in the gifted programs since she could practically walk, so she was a year ahead of me in nearly every subject, though she was my age. For once, I thanked God for that. I needed time to set my thoughts in order.
Once I had parked, I grabbed my backpack and swung it over my shoulder, taking a deep breath. Relax, I commanded myself. I strode towards the big brick building with little confidence in my step. I lazily greeted the passing familiar faces with weak smiles, my mind too distant to even formulate a hello, or to wave.
My first few classes passed in a similar idleness, my mind miles away from where it should be. The weird part was, Avery wasn't consuming my thoughts. It was as if a blankness had taken over me; a complete inability to think about anything. I may as well have been in a deep sleep.
Only one class was left until lunch, and I began to grow panicked that I hadn't come to any kind of conclusion about my guilty feelings. I was going to see Avery in 45 minutes, and I was going to be the same distant girl that I was this morning. I was stung with guilt – she didn't deserve that at all. To make matters worse, this last class before lunch was Calculus, my least favorite. Math had never been my forte, and seemed even less interesting when taught by Mr. Smeath, the most dislikable man on the school's faculty.
The lesson droned on, and I paid less attention than I normally did. The numbers and symbols on the board were about as familiar to me as hieroglyphics, and Mr. Smeath's voice was just an unpleasant drone acting as the soundtrack to my still jumbled thoughts.
Why couldn't I feel confident that Avery was good for me? Everyone else seemed to think she was perfect: My mom, my dad, her parents, her sister, my brother…. Everyone that mattered. Could they see something I couldn't? Could I see something they couldn't? Why did I feel guilty when she looked at me? Why did I feel as if I wasn't good enough for her? It was like I didn't have enough to offer her. But what was it that she wanted? What wasn't she getting from me? All she wanted was my heart, right? And I gave her that… right?
And suddenly it hit me. I didn't have a whole heart to give. It was smashed into pieces a while ago, and I hadn't found them all yet.
I think my subconscious already knew that I was trying to love with an already broken heart, so in the end it wasn't a huge surprise, but where did I go from here? What should I do? Should I tell her?
"Miss Carlin" sneered an unpleasant voice. "As much as I enjoy you sitting there like a gaping idiot, I nominate you to do the next problem." A maniacal smile twisted his ugly balding features, his lips curling back into a snarl. Seeing the look of confusion on my face, he was pleased.
"Mr. Smeath, I'm really sorry but I'm not sure I'm following today. Maybe someone else can do the problem?" I asked as sweetly as possible. My blood was beginning to boil, though, at the fact that he was trying to make me look stupid. I hated looking stupid.
"No, I think you should do it" was all he replied. The ugly smile still plagued his face, and now he stepped back, gesturing towards the board.
"I really think someone else should do it, with all due respect, Sir" I spat, sarcasm dripping over the last words. This was not what I needed right now. I was stressed enough, I was not in the mood to go and display to the class how much I cared about calculus.
"Mr. Smeath, I can – " Began a guy who sat a few seats over from me, but he was interrupted.
"No, Brendan. Spencer will do this one" I couldn't understand the joy that Mr. Smeath took in seeing people uncomfortable.
"No she won't" I muttered under my breath. Not quietly enough.
"Oh, she won't? Well tell her that she can do it or spend the afternoon in detention." The snarl widened. I didn't know it was possible. I could see each of his yellowing teeth in that toothy grin, and I wanted nothing more than just to kick them all in.
"She said she'll take the latter" I replied quickly, hot with fury. The back of my mind squealed, but I was too mad to listen to it.
"So be it. Detention for Miss Spencer Carlin"
Those were words that I never thought I'd hear. It hadn't quite registered yet, but by the time the bell rang at the end of class, reality had begun to seep into my quickly cooling brain. I was going to detention. Spencer, the honor roll, straight A, never had a detention in her life student, had detention.
I moved idly through the halls and made my way to the cafeteria, a mixture of shock and anger twisting my mind. How could he do this? I just didn't want to put a problem on the board! Was that such a big deal?
My mind was quieted for a moment when I saw Avery waving me over to one of the tables, two trays of food already before her. I hadn't thought about her in at least 15 minutes, and for a moment I found the silver lining of my situation. I had something to talk about to fill the guilty silence.
I filled her in on all the details, except for the fact that she was the reason I couldn't pay attention, and she took them in quietly, listening intently with those big doe eyes. I ranted on, including throwing in less than flattering physical descriptions to bash the man who had given me my sentence.
"Well, I had Mr. Smeath last year, and I agree that he's an asshole, but you should really just tiptoe around him. He's not worth arguing with, cause whether we like it or not, he's got the power." I sputtered in reply, but I kind of knew she was right. "And listen, I have to go home anyway, so why don't you just use that time to get your homework done?" I agreed to it.
We chatted casually for the rest of lunch about Mr. Smeath, allowing my anger to vent itself in form of insults. The bell rang and it was time to depart for our final few classes. She planted a kiss on my cheek and made her way down the hall, opposite the direction I was going.
The next three classes passed very quickly in a kind of blur, as I grew more and more nervous about everything that surrounded this detention. What would my mom think? Would my dad be unhappy with me? Would this give Glen a right to make fun of me? I thought of the types of kids who ordinarily went to detention and I shuddered. Would everyone think I was like them?
The hour was upon me before I knew it, and I slowly made my way to the room where my imprisonment would take place, making sure to pick up all of my books as sluggishly as possible from my locker. Even with those delays, I reached those doors too fast. I took a breath and closed my eyes as I walked through them, reminding myself that this would be over soon, and maybe it wouldn't show up on my record.
I opened my eyes, and sorely wished that I hadn't. My breath caught so suddenly that it sent a quick wave of pain throughout my shocked lungs. What I saw sent my stomach rolling in nausea, my head reeling in stupor. I felt for a moment like I would pass out, but consciousness clung to me like a burden, forcing me to witness this scene and not be so privileged as to look away.
Each of her legs were on opposite sides of his as she straddled him in that tiny desk chair. Each of her hands ran through his dark hair, teasing it and twisting it around her fingers. His hands were placed on each of her thighs, his thumbs moving in little circles across her denim jeans. Her hair hung in those loose brown curls that I remembered so well; the very ones that I used to push gingerly out of her face so that I could see her brown-amber eyes. A tiny smile played at her lips; the very ones that used to dance with mine in memories that seemed like perfect dreams, too far from this dismal reality to be considered real.
I couldn't tell you how long I stood there, just staring at the people before me. I could feel each of my fingers and then my entire hands numbing, my forehead tingly with some feeling that I hadn't felt in a while. My stomach felt as though someone's hand had closed around it and was squeezing it tighter and tighter by the moment. All of time seemed to stand still, and I was frozen where I stood. All was still and lifeless, except for my broken heart, which pounded erratically in my chest at an impossibly loud volume.
"Spencer Carlin?" I heard a distant adult voice say. It was probably belonging to the teacher who would monitor this detention, but I couldn't look up. I nodded slowly, hoping that this satisfied the muffled voice, so far from what was important right now. No sooner had the voice said my name, in one instant, I watched everything change. Her body, moments ago so fluid and relaxed became rigid. Her hands stopped and removed themselves from his hair. The smile that had been playing at her lips had been subdued, and her perfect head turned and faced me with a look that could be described as blank and confused. Her eyes met mine, and I could feel them searching for some kind of answer. I knew Aiden was looking too, but I couldn't have cared less. Her eyes were on mine, for the first time in months, and it was intoxicating. They held me there, and I prayed that she would soon look away and let me go so that I could gasp for the breath that my lungs were lacking. If it was even possible, everything had become even stiller. Even my fragmented and weakening heart had been arrested.
"Spencer?" A cold gust of air rushed into my lungs and sent me breathing once more. I wished that I could have made myself look calm, but I knew that my breathing was uneven, choppy, and worst of all, loud. I was practically panting. I barely heard the whisper that escaped her lips, but my eyes were focused on them so intently that I could read my name when it was said. I had for so long wanted to see my name on those perfect lips. To hear it sung in her velvety voice, but now it had an adverse effect on me. It was like a stab to my lungs, my stomach, every other organ and part. Nearly blinded my the pain, the endless memories flickering through my mind like still frames, I turned and made my way towards the door, praying that my feet would guide me there on their own, for my mind was too far away to offer any kind of help.