What cheese is not yours? Not cho cheese!
Thanks cameron62!
Sorry for the delay. I actually wrote a bunch of half episodes, but they all turned out pretty lame so I garbage bowl-ed them (30 Minute Meals?). Anywho, I get the feeling that this is going to become the norm, more delays and irregularity in updating. Please don't hate me! I will update whenever I get inspired, so don't think this has been discontinued or anything. To make up for your disappointment check out my profile for links to fabulous banners created by Abby at Dobby's Siggies over on the WB HP boards.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything remotely interesting, unless you consider Tim interesting.
George: Do you know what time it is?
Fred: It's tool time!
George: You're a tool!
Fred: And we're a family program, so you had better wash your mouth out with soap!
George: Sorry, I'm Fred!
Fred: I'm Fred!
Tim: And we all know that I'm Fred, so maybe you could get a move on? Capiche?
George: Yes sir!
Fred: Right away sir! Like I was saying, I'm Fred, he's annoying and I'm gorgeous.
George: I don't see what that has to do with this being The Fred and George Variety Hour?
Fred: Welcome! Take a load off!
George: And don't even think about touching that remote!
Fred: Or else!
George: Or else what?
Fred: Or else…I don't know I've never been good at threats.
George: There, there poor baby.
Fred: Who are you calling baby, baby?
George: You're the baby.
Fred: Sticks out tongue;
George: See, you even act like one!
Fred: And you look like one too!
George: That wasn't very nice.
Fred: And you know who else isn't very nice?
George: Harry Potter.
Audience: Cheers;
George: Stupid people! I hate you all!
Fred: Bro, I hate to say it, but you bring it on yourself.
George: Who are you calling bro, dude?
Fred: Dude, you are my bro, homie!
George: Homie, dude, bro, what are you talking about? Where did you pick up this horrendous vocabulary?
Fred: In da club.
George: Hey shorty, it's your birthday!
Fred: No it isn't.
George: Have a sense of humour.
Fred: Already got one, thank yaw very mucho gracias.
George: I see you've moved onto another language you can butcher.
Fred: I am totally against cruelty to animals.
George: Tell that to the ham sandwich you ate for lunch.
Fred: Why would I talk to a sandwich, who do you take me for? Crazy McLooneybins?
George: I'm not sure I know this McLooneybins character; I do know a McLovin though.
Fred: McDreamy?
George: McSteamy?
Fred: McSundae!
Tim: I'm not sure where all this is headed but could you get to the point, and oh yeah, the guest?
Fred: Sure thing grumpy old fart!
George: Can't argue with that logic.
Tim: And oh what heights we'll hit, on with the show this is it!
Fred: Look, George, Tim's singing.
George: I know; it almost brings a tear to my eye…sniff.
Fred: Speaking of tears, let's welcome our guest.
George: She's no stranger to crying, sobbing or weeping, it's
Fred: Moaning Myrtle!
Audience: Applauds;
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, no one has ever invited me anywhere.
George: Sure, why don't you tell everyone where you normally reside?
Fred: Second floor girl's washroom!
Moaning Myrtle: I know you! You were in the bathroom with that snooty Ravenclaw prefect. Wasn't he your brothers' girlfriend?
George: Fred! You and Penelope Clearwater? What will Percy say?
Fred: She and I are soul mates. And who cares what that nincompoop for a Weasley has to say. We should have disowned him long ago.
George: He may be a prat, but he's still family.
Moaning Myrtle: You just said a bad word, giggle.
Fred: Yes, I'm terribly amusing. I find you funny too, Myrtle. Funny looking!
Myrtle: You're horrible-sob-you're just like everyone else-sob-you brought me-sob-here to-sob-make-sob-fun-sob-of me. Sob-you're just like-sob-Harry Potter-sob.
Audience: Cheers;
George: Now look what you've done, Fred! Don't listen to him Myrtle, he's just a big meanie. Oy Tim, can we cut to commercial?
Tim: Right away.
Announcer: Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by the makers of the 'Chocolate Frog collector's cards'.
Commercial: Are you a Death Eater? Are you evading capture by the Ministry? Do you feel like you don't belong in Azkaban? Are you reformed? If you answered yes to these questions then you may want to ask yourself another question: is Death Eaters Anonymous for you? Ask your doctor if DEA is right for you. DEA may cause short term symptoms such as a decreased appetite for killing, smiling and in some rare cases dizziness.
Fred: Well that was awkward.
George: Especially the part with the Death Eater leaping in slow-mo through the field of daisies and fluffy bunnies.
Fred: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Myrtle: Gross.
Fred: Who are you calling gross? You live in a bathroom for crying out loud! How hygienic do you think that is?
George: And we're back with Moaning Myrtle of Hogwarts, who we just managed to calm down after my idiot brother insulted her-
Fred: Girl, I'm gunna get'cha.
George: You know I need ya in my world.
Fred: I'm begging you to be my girl.
George: Even though you might be scared,
Fred: I promise I'll be there!
George: Dun duh dun dun.
Fred: I'm sorry Myrtle.
Myrtle: I don't believe you.
George: Moving on!
Fred: Myrtle, you realize your name sounds like turtle?
Myrtle: People use that one-
George: Mmm, I love turtles!
Fred: They're delish. Little Muggle versions of cockroach clusters.
George: Yes, all that chocolate, caramel and pecans.
Fred: PEE-cans are for truckers, pe-CAHNS are in turtles.
George: Thank you Emeril Lagasse.
Fred: BAM!
Myrtle: Let's kick it up a notch!
Fred: Good one Myrtle, I didn't realize you were a Food Network connoisseur.
Myrtle: There's a lot you don't know about me.
George: Tell us, do you get many visitors?
Myrtle: There was this one boy. Pale thing, really annoying.
Fred: Annoying? How so?
George: Fred!
Fred: Sorry, go ahead.
George: Thank you. How was he annoying? Did he visit you often? Who was he? Was he nice to you?
Myrtle: He was always muttering to himself. And crying.
Fred: Why do you find crying so annoying? You're not exactly Miss Sunshine yourself.
George: Fred!
Fred: Won't you say you love me?
George: I'll make you so proud of me! Please, continue Myrtle.
Myrtle: I don't know his name, he never paid any attention to me.
George: And how did that make you feel?
Fred: Going into psychiatry are we?
George: Most definitely. But only if this whole showbiz thing doesn't work out.
Fred: It will work out. We're celebrities.
Twins: Smile cheekily;
Fred: I can't believe what you tell me, your lies have come undone.
George: Now I'm living on the run, looking out for number one.
Fred: Are you going to keep doing that.
Myrtle: You started it.
George: Thank you Myrtle. Now tell me, is there a special someone in your life?
Myrtle: I would like that but he doesn't pay any attention to me.
Fred: Who would be interested in you?
George: Fred, I'm warning you, one more outburst and I will send you to sit in the corner of a round room!
Fred: How many Mafia hit men does it take to change a light bulb?
George: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness. Now can we get on with the show?
Fred: Fine.
George: So Myrtle, what's the lucky fellow's name?
Myrtle: I told you, I don't know his name.
Fred: The annoying boy?
Myrtle: He's not annoying!
Fred: But you said-
George: Drop it Fred, you won't win.
Myrtle: Sticks out tongue at Fred;
George: Why don't you describe his physical features to us, maybe we could help you find out who he is, maybe set something up.
Myrtle: He's pale.
Fred: You said that already.
George: What colour is his hair?
Myrtle: White-
Fred: Dumbledore?
Myrtle: I know who Dumbledore is. I'm not stupid. It's almost white.
George: Blond?
Myrtle: Yes.
George: Pale and blond.
Fred: That could be anyone!
George: Annoying.
Twins: DRACO MALFOY!
Bodiless Voice From Above: Back off, he's mine!
Entire Cast and Crew: Stare up at ceiling trying to find where bodiless voice came from;
Bodiless Voice From Above: Ahem. Right. This is your author speaking; we have a deadline so let's move it! And that's an order!
George: You like Draco Malfoy?!
Fred: Are you out of your bloody mind!?! Do you even have a mind?!?
Myrtle: Why do you have to be rude? Gets angry and flies off;
George: Great. She's gone.
Fred: Presumably back to her toilet to pine for the Ferret.
George: Ew.
Fred: Shows almost over anyways.
George: Right, well then.
Fred: That's gross.
George: Maybe we could have him on the show.
Fred: Only if it's to torture him.
George: How about a match-making special?
Fred: Ew.
George: Not just for Myrtle and Mal-ferret. How about Ron and Hermione?
Fred: You and Luna?
George: You and Penelope?
Fred: Turns red; fine.
George: Too bad Valentines Day was a while back.
Fred: I'm off to scrub my brain with bleach and a wire crush to get the image of Malfoy and Myrtle. Skips off singing: I got a barbeque stain on my white T-shirt; she was killing me in that mini-skirt…
George: Thanks and good night!
Announcer: You have been watching the Fred and George Variety Hour with hosts Fred and George Weasley. Stay tuned for the afternoon news only on The WC, The Witching Channel.
When reading this episode keep in mind Myrtles high-pitched voice. Let me know if it was too OOC. Hope you enjoyed it!
Some things I may have mentioned that I definitely don't own:
-Tool Time (from Home Improvement)
-In Da Club (50 Cent)
-McLovin (Superbad)
-McDreamy, McSteamy (Grey's Anatomy)
-McSundae (McDonalds?)
-Looney Tunes theme song
-Death Eaters Anonymous (which I did not come up with, it's from another fic that I can't remember right now)
-Girl I'm Gonna Get You (The Moffatts)
-Little Miss Sunshine
-Number One (Skye Sweetnam)
-Barbeque Stain (Tim McGraw)