Not Going Anywhere
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.
Hi everyone! Two updates in one day! I feel accomplished. This one was easy to write, but it's a little short I think. It doesn't really matter, I only wanted to get once scene into it anyway. Anyhow, please continue to comment and let me know what you think – you guys give me inspiration! I was so glad to get some positive feedback on the last chapter, especially with how bad I felt it was. This one I consider kind of ehhh, but I'll leave the judging up to you. Hope you like this one!
Chapter 4 – Nowhere to Run
"Where do you think you're going, Miss?" The teacher asserted, just before I could make my desperate escape. "I don't know if I was under the same impression as you, but I thought you actually had to stay in detention." She laughed, trying to alleviate the tension, I suppose. Could see feel it too, or was it just me who felt like gravity's power had been increased ten times over?
"Is there any way I can just make this up tomorrow?" I asked in a weak voice, not turning around. The thought of staying here for another minute was almost as pleasurable as eating my own ear.
"I'm sorry, dear, but I'm afraid you've got to stay", She said, sounding genuinely sorry. She could sound as sorry as she wanted – she was still on my shit list. She was the one binding me to this emotional ambush that I'd so mindlessly walked into. I turned around after a few seconds, determinedly not looking in the direction of the still shell shocked couple in the little desk. I begged my body to shut down, just to pass out for a little while, so that I didn't have to endure this, but alas, like much of my life at the moment, I didn't get what I wanted.
I sat down in the desk at the opposite back corner of the room and put my head down into my arms, finally allowing some secret tears to slip through. This was the lion's den, and I was the sole human corpse who might still be identifiable if you could put together the limbs in each of the lions' mouths.
I thought about pulling out my homework to try and avert my mind, but that would involve moving. I left my head in my arms, feeling too weak to do much else.
Was she still watching me? She was probably already wrapped in Aiden once more – she had proved before that she didn't care for my feelings, so why was now any different? She was probably just surprised to see me, and now that the moment had passed, she had moved on…right? My question was answered before I was ready for it.
I heard the patting of flip-flops against the tiled floor – just about the only sound attempting to fill this deafening silence. They grew closer and then stopped momentarily, taking a seat in the desk in front of mine. I heard the legs of the chair grate across the floor, so I knew someone now occupied the seat. I prayed that just maybe it was some random person who had just arrived, but the faint but painfully familiar aroma of vanilla did not ease my suspicions. I could hear her shallow breath, almost picturing her face as she searched for the words. I pictured that cute way she furrowed her eyebrows when she was thinking hard, the tight line her lips pressed into. A new sheet of tears filled my eyes and I felt my back rise abruptly with a quick breath. I prayed that she hadn't noticed. I guess she did, because she was moved enough to speak.
"Spencer…" She exhaled. "I… I don't… It's… It's been so long" She stuttered nervously. Well, at least she was having trouble, too. "I… You… You haven't returned my calls in months…" I refused to look up and give her the visual satisfaction of knowing how broken I really was. I hoped that she was at least a little bit broken. That she felt even one-ninth the pain I felt everyday. I hoped that at least once her mind had flickered to me while she was making love to Aiden, like mine did when I was with Avery. I hoped that the memories of us together haunted her; that she wished that she could go back to that prom night and change everything. I hoped that her stomach ached at the thought of what we used to have and lost. I hoped that she never knew love, that she was cursed by the very same thing as I was, and would be forever unable to love who she wanted to love. I hoped that the memory of her telling me that she loved me stung her. That the bitter dishonesty behind each of her words reverberated in her brain, reminding her of the heartless shell of a person that she was. I hoped that she knew that she was the bane of my existence; That I hated her very presence on this earth.
"Spencer" she whispered again, her voice faltering slightly. That was all it took. That one little break in her velvety voice, and I knew that not one of my prior thoughts was true. As much as I wanted to hate her, to wish all of my horrible ailments on her, I couldn't. I still loved her as much as I did before that prom night spiraled down. My love for her was as real and as present as the oxygen in my lungs, as much a part of me as the weak heart fluttering in my chest. I wanted her to be happy, even if it meant I was miserable. At this thought I finally let myself cry. My back rose and fell with those shaky gasps, and my face and arms became wet with tears. I was sure that she could see, and I didn't care anymore. She was the reason I couldn't be happy with Avery. My poor, poor Avery. The sobs came a little harder now, my grieving for lost love now accompanied by guilty tears.
I suddenly felt contact: the tiniest sensation tickling the roots of my hair. A finger gently pushed one of my hanging blonde locks over my shoulder. At this realization, I sat bolt upright, my misery now candid for the world to see. And by the world, of course I meant Ashley, as she was my world.
"You do not get to touch me" I spat breathlessly, as if she'd just kicked me in the stomach. She drew her hand back quickly, looking slightly hurt, but I didn't care. "Not after all of this" I finished, my eyes making intimidating contact with hers. I saw her eyes flicker, faltering under my undying gaze. I hoped she was uncomfortable.
"Spencer, can we talk about this?" She pleaded
"No" I replied dismissively, my voice thick with the tears that were about to overflow.
"Spence, come on" She said, and my heart shuddered and thought briefly about giving out just then when she called me by my nickname. I gasped, trying to recover as if I'd been punched.
"Ashley, I can't do this right now." I tried to say, my voice becoming less and less coherent by the moment.
"You'll never want to do this, but we have to!" She yelled shrilly. If we hadn't had the entire detention as an audience before, we did now.
"Leave me alone, Ashley" I said slowly, trying to articulate each syllable through my relentless tears.
"Spencer –"
"Just leave!" I squealed, my voice finally giving into the tear filled sobs that had been longing to escape my chest. I dropped my head into my arms once more, and let my tears fall freely. She knew the effect she had on me now… well, she was closer to knowing. Closer to the very idea that my world revolved around her existence.
"Fine Spencer" She said, exasperated. I heard her rise from the little desk before me, and her flip flops stomped back up the aisle. I lifted my head, unable to keep myself from watching her departure. When she arrived at the front, she sank into the desk beside Aiden's, perhaps a little too hard. She landed with a bang, and for a moment I felt a wave of pity for her unsuspecting tailbone. She crossed her arms over her chest, clearly frustrated. Aiden extended a hand to place on her shoulder, but she swatted it away angrily.
Knowing that this room would be the death of me, I hastily stood and grabbed my book bag, swinging it onto my back. I shuffled up to the front of the room, to the desk where the teacher sat. I passed Ashley's row, and I could feel her eyes burning a hole in my head. I placed each of my hands on either side of the teachers desk, and mentally commanded her attention. She looked up from her papers, and stared at me with a questioning leer.
"Please." I said in a way that was somehow calm, while allowing every ounce of the despair I felt to seep into the word. I was begging. I was in a tiny room that was filling fast with water. The air was growing thin.
Her mouth hung open for a moment, her eyes at first full of apology. I saw her looking through the glass wall of tears into my own eyes, which cried the same pleas of help. She closed both her eyes and her mouth.
"Okay" She said finally, not opening her eyes. "Smeath finds out, and I will skin you alive", She said jokingly, I suppose hoping to bring out a smile. Her efforts earned her the crack of a smile, though fake it was. I nodded my head in appreciation, and made my way towards the door, sure that my escape was imminent. My lungs quivered excitedly at the prospect of fresh air. My heart was relieved that it was about to be allowed to slow. A foot was across the threshold when that velvety voice found my ears.
"I just want you to know," My breathing had stopped entirely. "That you can run away from me all that you want. You can say whatever verbal jabs you can think of to try and hurt me, to back me off. You can tell me to stay away all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. I made the mistake of not catching you sooner, but now… all I can do now is tell you I'm not going anywhere"
I closed my eyes and took a breath, allowing my careful steps to resume. I allowed myself out of the room, and made my way down the hall in a daze.
I knew very well the truth in her words. Even if she did not physically live up to that promise, I knew that she would be present to me; in my thoughts, my wishes, my fantasies, and my dreams. I wiped the tears from my eyes and stepped with a little more confidence now. I knew that upon reflection, today would change everything. It would explain everything. For now though, I just admired the sunlight seeping through the windows, splashing light onto each classroom door. The very softest smile played at my lips, and though my tear ridden mind began to question its own sanity, my gut knew exactly why.