Not Going Anywhere

Chapter 5 - The Little Voice / Eavesdropping

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on SoN

Okay, so I initially planned this chapter to have two little chapters in it, with completely different plot lines. Well, one went as planned, and one ended up really long. So this is pretty much just two in one. Not sure how i feel about this update yet, but i look forward to your feedback.

Chapter 5 – The Little Voice

I had been staring at the ceiling for so long that I would swear that there were holes forming. My body remained perfectly still and unmoving as I lay there on my back with my arms folded across my stomach. I could feel myself taking on a statue like form. My mind, contrary to my physical self, buzzed so much with life that it was as if a rave was taking place on the inside of my skull.

There were no more tears, but in their place came the deluge of thoughts that I knew were coming. The ones I'd been fighting for so long. I knew that I needed a long time to think – all of tonight at the very least. An entire night, devoted the uninterrupted thoughts I would allow to take hold of me.

My peripheral vision caught the red numbers on the clock, reading 6:03 pm. 6:03, and the night to myself. One part of me felt overjoyed to have so much time for just me, but another part feared the damage my uncensored mind might do to me.

There was suddenly a knock at the door. "Come in" I said softly, praying that this did not foreshadow what was supposed to be tonight's solitude.

"Hey, Spence. Feeling any better?" My dad asked concernedly. The corners of his cyan eyes wrinkled in that way that made him look all the more compassionate.

"A little, thanks." I said quietly, trying ever so slightly to make myself sound sick. I had to play the part, didn't I? "I think I just need a night of rest, I'm just exhausted" I finished to my dad, who nodded slowly, understandingly.

"I bet Avery was bummed out that you didn't feel well, huh? I haven't seen you without her in a while" My dad laughed, not even faintly knowing how much his words pertained to my "illness".

"Yeah, she was bummed, but she understood. Plus, more time with her family wasn't necessarily a bad thing. We'll see each other at school tomorrow" I finished, reflecting on our phone conversation. Avery couldn't understand why the teacher would just let me out of detention, but I avoided answering and she eventually dropped it. I could hear the concern in her voice when I told her that I didn't feel well. I didn't feel good about lying to her, but hopefully I'd be saving her feelings a little.

"Okay well let me know if you need anything" My dad said quietly before turning and leaving the room.

And the sweet melody of silence rang once more. Okay, time to process, I thought to myself. As much as it pained me to do so, I knew I needed to relive the memories from today – revisit that repulsing scene that would surely replay in perfect 20-20 hindsight vision. I winced and bit my lip, knowing I'd have to suck it up if I wanted to get anywhere with myself tonight.

It didn't take long for my mind to reach the part that made me want to vomit. Ashley and Aiden. The way she was sitting on him…. The way she was smiling… The way her eyes caressed him. As I stood in her wake that prom night and begged her, like a pathetic lowlife to choose me, I had no idea that the inner catastrophe I felt was nothing to the pain I'd know today. It was more than jealousy that I felt. It was that nameless emotion where, in the span of a moment, you wish you were dead rather than feeling what you're feeling. You wish that you had never existed, rather than to feel that blade poking you right where it hurts. You wish that you could just rip your own heart out and spit roast it right in front of her, so that she can see what she's done to you. That should have been me, between those legs, receiving that smile, being embraced in that warm stare. All of those things should have been mine. She promised them to me when she fed me that L word. That word that everyone's so crazy about, but in the vast majority of cases ends up being just an empty word. That was all it was, and for the longest time I blamed her that it wasn't true or real, when really it was my fault. I was naïve enough to believe it could be, right? Sure, Ashley put the dagger into my hands, but the gaping hole in my chest was surely my doing. I should have known better. I should have seen the signs.

I should have expected her to be wrapped in Aiden. I should have expected not to expect anything of her – she left me after all.

My mind switched tracks then to the other person in this sick mess. Someone who made my skin crawl, and my darkest memories come to life. His face stood out in my mind as the catalyst – the one who started it all. The rational part of my mind in the very back tried to get a word in – tried to convince the rest of my mind that it wasn't really his fault, that Ashley and I would have fallen apart regardless. The rest of my brain figuratively dropped and punted the rational part. I did blame him. And though I tried not to, his face still hung in my mind as a beacon of all things evil.

The worst part of all was the look on his face. The fact that it was him beneath her loving gaze. It was the fact that his hands were on her, working those little circles with his little thumbs, sitting there with his little penis… (okay… I admit, too far)

The next thought hit me like a big yellow school bus. I witnessed all of that. I faced the horror of seeing my ex – my world, with someone else. The face I'd dreamed about, the one that induced nostalgia, happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, bliss, and misery with the bat of an eyelash.

That face had the nerve to ask me to talk to her. To be reasonable. After I'd witnessed it all but sucking face with that bastard. She even had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't going anywhere. She wasn't going anywhere? All she'd done since I'd met her was go everywhere! How could she expect me to trust her? Did she expect a welcome back with open arms- or open legs, for that matter? The thoughts in my head bounced furiously off the walls, clashing with one another and creating a tiny war.

The thing that bothered me most, ever so secretly, was that tiny, miniscule, infinitismal, minute voice that whispered from underneath the others; The one that said what the others were afraid to hear. It was just a whisper now, but I knew it would grow into a murmur, then into a mumble, then eventually into a battle cry. I still loved her. I would always love her.

That voice – that wise, and omniscient little voice – knew that it was only a matter of time before she knew too.

Images of her face flickered through my brain – some of them from memories, some from fantasies, some even from that horrible scene that I wanted eradicated from my head. They danced in my mind, repeating themselves over and over. I can't remember exactly where they ended, but I know for certain that Ashley did not leave me as I slipped out of consciousness.

(Chapter 5 Part II – Eavesdropping)

Consciousness came slowly, like it always does after you've had an amazing sleep. When I finally opened my eyes, I caught the clock: 9 am.

9 am?! School had started already! Half an hour ago! I flipped open my phone, wondering whether the alarm had ever gone off. 2 Texts: one from my dad regarding the leftover grilled chicken that was left over for me, and one from Avery. Avery. My poor Avery, who I had barely thought of before having so carelessly drifted to sleep last night. So much for an entire night to think. Her text, sent just 25 minutes ago, inquired about my whereabouts. 'hugely overslept. See you at lunch" I typed quickly, sure that I must have misspelled something in my haste. I hurriedly rose and wiped my eyes, which were still heavy lidded, which I supposed was from the excess crying the day before. I pulled on the nearest clothes I could find, mixing and matching the already used articles on my floor.

Within minutes I was out the door and in the car, half a bagel hanging out of my mouth. There was probably cream cheese all over my cheek now – awesome. I tried to wipe it off as I threw the car in reverse and sped off to school.

I walked through the parking lot stiffly, feeling anxious about my tardiness. If a hall monitor or anyone saw me come in at this time, my perfect attendance record would be shot to hell. Worse yet, I'd get another detention for sure. I quickened my pace further, part of me knowing that it would make no difference whether or not I saved a few seconds.

My hand gently pulled the door handle while I said a prayer that it wouldn't creak. Much to my happiness, it didn't make a peep and I proceeded up the stairs as if walking on glass shards. I tiptoed down the hall as quickly as possible, envisioning my destination: English class. I silently thanked God that I had Mrs. Nolan's English class first – she liked me more than enough to wave away my lateness. If it had been Mr. Smeath's class… well I may as well be on my way to detention now.

The door was in my view – the sight of the familiar chipped blue paint had never made me happier. My steps came a little faster now, and though my feet became a little louder, I didn't care – I was so close. Nearly at a jog, I reached for the doorhandle –

"Miss, do you have a bathroom pass?" chirped an unfamiliar voice. I froze, my back stiffening noticeably. My hand was frozen on the door handle, my mind debating whether or not just to burst into the classroom and make a scene.

"I…um… No, I don't" I said quietly, stupidly hoping that if he didn't hear me, he'd forget that I was here. Fail.

"Well I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to give you a detention, then." He said, as my mind wailed in response. No, no no! I screamed internally. I could not have another detention. For all the normal reasons, with one added reason, as of yesterday. One big brown eyed, feathery haired, chiseled abed reason. I finally turned to face my opponent, rolling my eyes sarcastically. Between myself and the eyes that stared back at me existed a thick wall of glass, magnifying his eyes at least 3 times their normal size. His pointy little teeth hid beneath braces. Every square inch of his unfortunate face was covered in acne – the kind where it hurt to even look. For a moment I considered sliding him a $5 dollar bill when taking my detention slip.

An idea suddenly dawned on me. I wasn't proud of what I was about to try, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

"What's your name?" I said softly, drawing awfully close to a whisper. I forced my eyes to rove fondly over his scrawny body, drawing them back expectantly to his magnified eyes, which now held clear signs of confusion and discomfort.

"Erm… Earl" He responded uncomfortably, shifting his weight slightly. He lifted one of his legs and adjusted a sock.

"Why haven't I seen you around before?" I said flirtatiously, perhaps trying a bit too hard. I took a step toward him, hoping that the nearness in proximity would quicken this encounter.

"I've been around" He said, swallowing hard afterward. His eyes would meet mine for a moment and then avert uncomfortably. I almost felt bad. Almost.

"Weird, I don't remember ever having seen – oh!" Feeling desperate, I staged a clumsy fall – right into his arms. I could feel his bones in his embrace. His musty smell mixed with that of eggo waffles made me want to vomit in my mouth.

His eyes met mine for a moment as I stayed perfectly immobile in his arms. I tried to morph what I was sure was an expression of disgust into an expression of adoration. I probably disgraced the name of actors everywhere. If this kid bought this, he had bigger problems than his skin. Unrelenting now, his eyes bore into mine, and he wouldn't move.

I couldn't believe what I was about to do. Oh my god, ew. Think straight, Spence. Think straight, I told myself. My mind laughed heartily – not even being straight would make Earl more attractive. I closed my eyes and moved my face closer to his. So close that I could feel his breath (yes, definitely eggo waffles I smelled, by the way) on my face. Here we go, I said to myself, shutting my eyes a little tighter, trying with all my might to imagine Avery on the other side.

Our lips had almost met when he fled out from underneath me. I fell to the floor with a bang, and took a moment to internally whine about the bruise that would form on my hip before looking back up at the little nerd – who I pitied slightly less as my hip throbbed a little more.

"I'm sorry…. I… I have a girlfriend" He mumbled quickly, turning on his heel and walking quickly in the other direction. I was so taken aback by this confession that I almost forgot to be euphoric that my mouth never touched his.

The euphoria died as quickly as it had arrived. "And here's your detention slip" I heard from around the corner. Not a moment later, his figure approached me and put a slip in my hand.

The rest of the day passed in somewhat of a blur – probably because I was busy sulking about another detention, despite my futile attempts at flirting. I wasn't going to lie, it hurt my ego a little bit, to be turned down by someone like him. That wasn't even the worst part though – the worst was the knowledge that I'd probably see Ashley again today. The worst was seeing Avery at lunch and acting like everything was okay, even when I knew she knew it wasn't. The worst was having to wonder what was going to happen, if I'd somehow reveal that I still loved Ashley. What would Avery do? What would Ashley do?

I banished the thought from my mind, telling myself that it would never happen. Ashley would never find out. She couldn't.

The end of the day came, despite my anxiety and trepidation. I gathered my books slowly once more, hoping to kill as much time as possible. When I arrived, and I finally opened my eyes, I was overwhelmed by what I saw. I knew I shouldn't have been so taken aback, but seeing Ashley, so close to me, so real, was more than I could take. For so long she had been but a figment of my imagination – an icon of my past, existing only in my memory. When I saw her, it was like I felt the old Spencer flaring up inside. An old Spencer that I didn't even realize I'd temporarily lost.

Don't get the wrong idea, though. While all of these things happened in my mind my stomach clenched and then dropped. My forehead began to burn, and I felt beads of sweat forming. My nervousness sent adrenaline through my body, causing my knees to shake. The blood pumped violently through my veins, and I feared they'd explode. My eyes, which felt as if they were protruding from my skull, flickered madly as I took in the scene before me.

There she was. Ashley Davies, in all her heart-wrenching glory. Unlike yesterday, today I found her sitting on an inanimate object. I quickly noted that, as much as I never thought it possible, at this moment I was jealous of a chair. Her perfect legs were crossed neatly beneath the desk, one of her feet bobbing lightly, probably to the beat of the song I could vaguely hear emerging from her blaring ipod ear pieces. Half of her hair was up today, only the back allowing those perfect brown curls to fall freely. Her eyes were fixed intently on her desk, a pen in her hand suggesting that she was working on something. Her cheekbones, oh so perfect, were –

Wait. Hold the phone. Ashley Davies was working on something? I knew it had been a long time, but I never thought I'd see the day that Ashley did homework. Almost too weirded out by that fact, I let my eyes wander for a moment, until I came across the other object of my nightmares.

Aiden sat in a slouched posture on the other side of the room. In fact, he was probably as far from Ashley as one could be. He gloomily stared down at what I guessed was some homework assignment. Something was definitely wrong with him, but I didn't really care enough to think much more on him – he was definitely still on my shit list.

"Spencer Carlin here" I said, somewhat surprised at the confidence that rang in my voice. I guess that seeing Aiden upset empowered me. That sounds so awful, but I really think that's what it was.

Today's proctor looked up and nodded, proceeding to scribble something on his paper – probably checking me off the list of delinquents to have arrived.

I looked over and noticed Ashley was looking at me – her brown eyes full of confusion. I stared back at her for a moment, unsmiling, before nodding at her in acknowledgement. I felt that my gesture of a nod was almost more than she deserved right now. She nodded back, allowing her eyelids to linger closed for a moment. I might have just imagined it, but I could have sworn I saw a smile playing at the corners of her lips.

I walked to the back of the room and took a seat between where Ashley and Aiden sat in the front – I wanted to be able to keep an eye on both of them. I pulled out my math books and began to do some work absent mindedly, periodically looking up and surveying the two people who had haunted me so much these past many months.

About an hour had passed – only a half hour to go – and still no tears. Today was exceeding my expectations. While it still hurt me to look at her, knowing that she wasn't mine (and worse, that she didn't deserve to be), I supposed it was a little easier now since the initial shock of seeing her had worn off. Having Aiden far away from her surely didn't hurt. I was certain that he was thinking about her, though, because I would watch him occasionally look up and throw her a sideways glance. A gesture that repeatedly went unreturned. Each time he allowed his head to fall back down, looking each time a little more dejected. If asked about the enormous urge to smile that took over my facial muscles when this happened, I will deny it.

The teacher finally looked up from his papers and dismissed us. I'd been counting down for the last 5 minutes. While I was happy that I was stronger than I thought, I didn't want to face Ashley quite yet. I packed my things a few minutes early in preparation, knowing that the moment that I was free, I'd be out the door. And I was. I don't think 10 seconds had elapsed. I scurried out of the room, not looking back to see whether or not her eyes followed me.

As I walked down the hall, I tried to avert my mind from the girl sitting in the room that grew farther behind me with each step. Homework. What did I still have to do? I thought over each of my subjects. It occurred to me suddenly that I needed my French binder, which was currently in my locker. I groaned for a moment, then turned down the hall, then turned the corner into the locker area. Deciding to lighten my load, I put all of my finished work back in my locker. Maybe this detention thing wasn't so bad after all– I had made a large dent in tonight's workload, and that was with the distraction of Ashley. I internally laughed at myself – appreciating detention. Psh, next I was going to be asking Glen to read me the list of girls who "wanted to go out with him". I gently closed my locker door after making sure that the inside was neat, and for a moment, I was at peace.

Like most of those moments in my life, it was short lived.

"Would you stop avoiding me?" I heard a voice pierce the silence. A clatter of footsteps. They were getting closer.

"I'm not avoiding you", a velvety voice said dismissively. Instantaneously, my moment of peace had been destroyed. There she was, yet again, wrecking any form of calmness that I would ever feel.

The footsteps became louder. They were definitely coming this way. What was I going to do? I couldn't walk out; they'd surely see me. What on earth could I do? I was running out of time. Instinct kicked in, and I did what any threatened being does. I hid. From behind the opened door, I listened to the footsteps finally crossing the threshold. I couldn't help myself, I peeked too, making sure that none of me was exposed where they could see.

Aiden tailed her closely, his pace picking up until his hand was gripping her shoulder. He forcefully turned her around and put her up against a locker, and I felt a burning desire to kick his nuts. I hated the fact that he could touch her at all, let alone like that.

"Please talk to me", he pleaded. Okay, the desire to kick him in the nuts lessened a tad. In his voice I could hear the quiet desperation. The longing for her. The worry that he might lose her. I knew that vocal break all too well – I'd heard it surface in my own voice too many times.

It occurred to me in that very moment. I was not the only one who loved her. I mean, I'd technically known since the prom night, but I'd never truly acknowledged it. He longed for her the same way I did. He fell for those very same brown eyes, staring out from beneath those brown curls. This in no way took Aiden off of my shit list, but I finally understood it on a deeper level, and it was kind of consoling.

After a long silence, she finally responded.

"Okay" she sighed, "I'm avoiding you a little"

"Why?" He asked, the hurt not even masked in his voice.

"Aiden, don't even pretend you don't know why" She said quietly, looking down at her feet. It was clear that she didn't want to have this conversation.

The silence that followed was eerie. I could feel my chest contracting, begging for air as I held my breath. The suspense killed me. That silence may as well have been an explosion – the nothingness that flooded my ears all but shattered my eardrums. I feared that I might actually go mad waiting for someone to speak. Thankfully, he finally spoke.

"It's her. It's always been her, hasn't it?" She nodded slowly, still not looking at him. Though his stature didn't show it, I knew he was crumbling inside. "I think I've always known." He continued. She finally looked up at him, with eyes covered in a blanket of tears. "Its just that… well you've been doing so well. And yesterday… We came so close, Ash. It was almost like it was before you met her. It felt right." He knew what the answer would be. It was clear that he knew he was defeated, but it didn't stop the begging in his voice.

"I know", she said so quietly that I could barely hear her. "But it was one time. And she walked in, Aiden. She walked right back into my life. It was a sign. A sign that you and me, we can't." It clearly pained her to say this. She knew that he loved her. Sure, Ashley was the girl who was known to stomp on hearts, but that doesn't mean she enjoyed it.

Aiden nodded understandingly.

"So what do you do now?" He asked curiously.

"I don't really know" She responded. "Something. Anything that will show her I meant what I said. I have to fix what I've ruined" Silence.

Me. She was talking about me. She had to fix what she'd ruined. She ruined me.

"So what do we do now?" He finally inquired. She paused and closed her eyes.

"I need you to give me some space. I'm so sorry Aiden." She said. "You know what she saw yesterday. If you were her, would you want to see me with you?"

After a long pause, Aiden shook his head. "Just some space for a little while… until I can at least talk to her without having her run away from me."

"I get it", he finally sighed. "But I want you to be careful, Ash. I've seen very well what this girl has done to you. I don't want you where you were a few months ago –" She interrupted him,

"Aiden, you and I both know this entire mess is my fault. I know that I seem so much better now, but Aiden, this is like a band-aid. Who knows how long it would have lasted. Nothing is ever going to change for me until I change it. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to think that I could just move on. " She finished, pain surfacing in her voice for the first time. Aiden nodded.

"Please, just be careful" He added one more time. Pleading with her.

"I'll try. But I'm going to have to risk it if I want any hope of ever getting her back"

"I'll see you…sort of… tomorrow. Remember that just because I'm more distant doesn't mean I don't care" Aiden said definitively, giving her a squeeze on the shoulder. Ashley nodded finally, not saying a word.

With that, I pulled my head back so that I couldn't see anything. I heard footsteps leaving, but my mind didn't really register what was happening. Never in my life had I been in the presence of so many emotions. Part of me screamed with joy. She wanted me. Part of me growled angrily. She thought she could have me back. After all she'd done to me – after all I'd been through. For god's sake, I was in a relationship! Another part of me was frustrated at my contradicting feelings. A very very small part of me pitied Aiden. Most of all though, confusion dominated, as my mind swarmed with questions.

What the hell did he mean, 'what I'd done to her?' How on earth had I done anything to her? What did he mean, she's doing so much better? When was she doing worse? What was she doing worse?

My thoughts were interrupted by a small hiccup. I froze, realizing that I wasn't alone. I slowly peeked enough of my head out to see who was in my company, but upon first glance, I could find no one. Had I imagined it? No! There it was again, accompanied this time by a little gasp for air. Upon scanning the room again, I finally caught something. Curled up in a little ball in the corner, was none other than the brown haired beauty that consumed all of my thoughts. There she was, weeping, crumbling. In that instant, I wanted nothing more than to go over and embrace her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head, and tell her everything was going to be alright. I wanted to rock back and forth with her until she fell asleep in my caress. I nearly acted on this impulse, until something else occurred in my mind. A very similar image: the crumbling girl, the tears, the pain. Nobody was there to comfort me. Nobody pulled me in tight, kissed my head and consoled me. Well, not like that exactly. But I did have someone. Someone whose fiery head had just made a re entrance to my mind like an encore performance on a stage. My Avery.

With these, and many other thoughts buzzing through my mind, I waited until Ashley left. I couldn't tell you how long it was. It might have been minutes, maybe hours. Finally, though, she left – making sure to wipe the tears from her face beforehand.

I waited there for a few minutes in my solitude. The silence that hung around me now was more of a comfort than a burden. Attempting to clear my thoughts, I finally rose and stepped around and out the door. Tomorrow would be an interesting day, that was to be relied upon.