Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Alrighty, here's another chapter. Some aspects of it are okay, but I must apologize for the literary disaster that is this chapter. I clearly can't make things sound good these last few days. Anyhow, I seriously appreciate your feedback, and I'd love to get more of it! Please please please – it really motivates me. I put a lot into these chapters, and hearing what you guys think is the best compensation I could ever ask for . A special thanks to the consistent fb-ers: MrsMusgraveTNG, Grangergirl22, Ashikinz, GoshNYikes, and Maeisforlovers (who commented each chapter in one sitting! You're kind of my hero). Anyhow, I really hope you like this one, and I can't promise when the next will be up, cause life is a little busy, but I'll do the best I can.

Chapter 11 – The Storm

Have you ever felt like your entire life until this point was rising action, and you'd finally reached your scary, peak of the story, can't get any more suspenseful than this climax (no dirty implication intended)? Well, I hope for your sake that the answer is no, because it sucks. I've experienced that feeling so many times, and I'm sure I'll experience it again, but I'll just cut to what's important: the mess I'm in now.

I know it's been a long 10 chapters, so in case anyone's forgetting anything, I'll recap everything for you. On prom night my brother got shot dead, my girlfriend fled to Europe and abandoned me, In grieving I met a new, Avery. We had a few great months where I recovered to some extent and she was just what I needed, but eventually I came to realize that I'd never be totally better without Ashley in my life- and whadda ya know, in she waltzes. Straddling Aiden. Yeah, that wasn't fun to see, but I talked to Aiden and Kyla, and apparently she went through some really hard times when I wouldn't talk to her when she got back from Europe. Her crappy life caught up with her and she tried to kill herself, but now she's somewhat better. I couldn't decide whether or not to talk to her, but Avery told me I should- right after she told me that her ex girlfriend cheated on her and broke her heart. No pressure on me or anything. Anyway, I agreed to talk to her this morning, and then we ended up cutting class, and then almost kissing, but then Aiden and the rest of gym glass interrupted us, and I guess it was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because obviously, it stopped me from making out with Ashley, which would be cheating on Avery, but also a curse because I got another detention. Oh yeah, apparently I get detentions now. This is the 3rd one this week. That's where I ran into Ashley straddling Aiden the first time and… ugh… I just noticed how many people I have in my life whose names begin with A… Ashley, Avery, Assden... *cough* …Aiden. Well, that's not important now. On the way to get detention slips, who decides to stroll into the hall but Avery. So we've got me between my two exes as they introduce themselves to one another. The catch? Ashley didn't know that I had a girlfriend. I guess I forgot that little detail.

'Girlfriend?' I saw her mouth. I'm not sure whether or not she intended to, but I caught it nonetheless. Her eyes flicked up toward the ceiling, as if burning a hole into the massive tiles. She began to chew on her lower lip, and her eyes became slightly glassy. I longed so much to reach out to her, to tell her that I loved her, but firstly, that wouldn't be smart, secondly, there was something called a current girlfriend whose arm was casually draped over my shoulder. Ashley's eyes shut tightly, as if in deep concentration, and her fist came up and was placed between her eyebrows. I could feel Avery looking at me, asking for some explanation, but at present, I had nothing to say. I could only stand and wait for something. It could be as little as a sigh, or as big as an explosion. The tension built by the moment, and soon it felt as if gravity had doubled.

Ashley's eyes finally opened and first glared at Avery, and then at me.

"Oh it is just wonderful to meet you, Avery. Gosh, I'm so glad that Spencer found you. Have you been keeping her warm at night for me?" She paused. The sarcasm that dripped from her words was forming in puddles on the floor. I didn't know if she expected a reaction, but Avery just stared at her blankly, glancing between the two of us as if begging that this was some kind of joke. I wished for a moment that I didn't know Ashley as well as I did – that for a moment I could have doubted her cold seriousness, but alas, I knew her, and her words stung me in an unfamiliar way. "Gosh, you're just an Ashley 2.0, aren't you?" She was smiling, but it was cold.

"Ashley, I'm not sure I know what" – Avery spoke lightly, but Ashley wouldn't have that.

"Oh gosh! Polite is one of the new features! Oh how cute." Her eyes were wild. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little afraid. "Gosh Spence," for the first time she turned to me. I made a quick note of how many times she'd said 'gosh' in the last minute. "How did you ever live with the old model? I mean, it's like comparing an old Buick to my Porsche." She spat. I gaped at her, a little unsure of how to proceed from here. Her violent tone and her words hurt me – not the way that she hurt me when she left, though. If that was a deep wound, then these were surface cuts. Not as lasting, but they stung nonetheless. I demanded myself to remain calm, and ignore the fact that she was being an arrogant raving idiot.

"Ash, I didn't really get a chance to tell you" I tried.

"Didn't get a chance? Spencer, it should have been the first fucking thing that you told me! How could you let me think that I had a chance-" My turn to interrupt her.

"Let you think you had a chance?" I said it quietly, and I could feel the tears seeping into my voice, but even that didn't express the fury that I was feeling beneath it all. I felt it welling up inside of me, like lava. "How on earth did I do that, Ashley? Forgive me if I'm wrong here, but I think I just went into all of the reasons that you don't deserve my thoughts let alone my friendship! After all of this, I don't owe you jack shit, Ashley! I can't believe you have the audacity to act like I just did you some huge injustice!" I erupted. I was fuming. We were all silent for a moment, and I felt a pang of remorse for having to do this in front of Avery. Ashley appeared to be shell-shocked, and I knew why. Angry explosions by Spencer were few and far between. The crazy look that had come over her had been sobered a little. My little rant had the effect of a bitch slap, I suppose.

"Spencer, I'm sorry, I didn't-" I interrupted her again, despite the fact that her tone was calm and somewhat apologetic. I wasn't done. The fire within me burned angrily, ready to ravage anything that crossed its path.

"No, Ashley! It's not always about you! That's your problem! You never think of other people. When the going gets tough, of course that doesn't change! The second you faced the littlest bit of stress you were gone. You couldn't even be here for me, your girlfriend who you said you loved. You said I was different. You took me, and smashed me into a million pieces, which Avery here," I paused, gesturing toward the red head girl beside me. Her arm slipped off my shoulder, and I knew she was uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop myself. "Had to pick up and try to put me back together! I'm angry with myself that I ever believed you could be any different. I should have trusted Glen when he said you had some kind of track record for breaking in girls." Some recess of my mind registered that I might be bordering on hurtful, but I was on a roll. Words were pouring out of me like rain from a storm cloud. "But of course I didn't. I had to try and see the best in you. Well, I guess I was delusional, because apparently there is no best in you. About as delusional as you are, for thinking you had a chance after all you did to me." I took a few breaths – I was growing lightheaded. "You have about as much of a chance with me as I ever did with you. No matter what I did, I would never be able to have you, because honestly, sometimes I don't think you have a soul to give. I was the only girl that lasted long enough to figure that out. You're empty, just like your promises. I don't know what I was thinking, talking to you again." I was speaking so furiously that I nearly had to gasp for air. A small part of me knew I'd regret saying these things. I didn't even believe half of them. It was all so irrelevant – I was just spitting fireballs. The sting in her eyes was satisfying now, but I knew that it would probably serve to haunt me later. "I guess it was closure. I gave you no reason to believe you had… a chance" I trailed off slightly on the last few words, suddenly realizing the error that lay within them. Memories flooded into my brain, but not the normal ones. These ones were recent - from just this morning: images of me holding her, images of her face within inches of my own, the feeling of her breath on my face. I could still smell her scent lingering on my clothes. I was hit suddenly with this realization, and I knew that she was thinking the same thing. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her mouth was pressed into a line as if to say 'really?' She didn't need to tell me, I knew that she knew. A wave of regret came over me when I realized that I actually had given her reason to think she had a chance. All of those mean things I just said… they were about to backfire on me. She knew what she could say. She would surely use it against me. Avery was about to find out that I came within inches of cheating on her. That I still had deep feelings for Ashley. It was all about to blow up before me. I closed my eyes, and waited for lightning to strike.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Spencer" Ashley said quietly, her voice lacking any tone at all. It was as if the life had been sucked from her voice. "I'm sorry." She said, her now slightly deadened eyes staring eerily into mine. "And I'm sorry to you too, Avery" She said, turning her glance to the girl beside me. "I was out of line." Long pause. She turned to me. "Sorry again, if I've caused you any unnecessary drama. I do that sometimes when I'm too obsessed with myself." There was a slight edge to this, and at this moment I thanked God for her sarcastic verbal jab, because it told me that Ashley was still alive in there – I didn't like the subdued look about her eyes. "I'll leave you alone." She said finally. Her eyes bore into mine for a moment, and I tried to communicate my apologies to her. Her eyes, though, showed no sign of registering the message. She turned and walked slowly down the hall, stopping at the office for her detention slip.

It was as if a cold gust of air had rushed between Avery and I. I didn't quite know where to start. Lucky for me, she did.

"Well, that was… interesting" I still didn't know how to respond. After a few moments, she continued, "I don't think I've ever seen you that angry." The next part is what killed me. It came after another few moments of silence. "Or that alive." I could hear the sadness in her voice when she said that. In that moment, I think she became sure of my feelings for Ashley, if she had not been before. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, and I scrambled to say something.

"Avery, I'm so sorry you had to see that. It was completely inappropriate." I said, my cheeks flushing red in embarrassment. "I overdid it, too" I said finally, my face falling a little. She took a finger and lifted my chin. I couldn't help but notice the lack of spark – the lack of excited numbness. Maybe that was just an Ashley thing.

"It's okay, Spence. At least she knows how you feel now" If that comment was supposed to make me feel better, it did the exact opposite. My stomach dropped. A guilty sweat began to crop up on my forehead. I don't know what bothered me more – that it was nearly the opposite of how I felt, or that she might think that I truly wanted nothing to do with her.

"Yeah." I said absentmindedly, not wanting to go any deeper into that. "I'm just really sorry"

"For what?" Avery laughed a little. "For fighting with your ex in front of me? I think I'll get over it. It's not like you did anything wrong." Aaaaand the guilt just keeps on coming. Sure, I didn't really do anything, but I did come really close. And… as much as I hated to admit this part to even myself, I consciously wanted to kiss Ashley.

To put the cherry on top of this guilt sundae, I was left desperately wondering why Ashley didn't say anything about it to Avery. She had a golden opportunity. I had just completely bashed her. Why didn't she take the chance she had to wreck Avery and me? I had so expected it.

"Hey, shouldn't you be in class?" I said, realizing that it had probably been over 10 minutes since she left her classroom.

"Shit." She laughed. "Well, I'll accept your apology for making me withhold my pee. Gee, thanks a lot, Spencer" She smiled, and I couldn't help but smile back. At least offer a fake one. She turned to leave, but turned back to me once more. "Spencer, what you're doing is huge. Facing our exes is crazy hard, especially when they're your first, and have a history like you guys do. I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you." She flashed me one more smile, then retreated to her classroom.

I don't think I've ever been so inert as I was when she left me in that hallway. All that had just transpired locked me where I was, and I didn't quite know how to proceed. Well, crisis averted with Avery, but how was Ashley feeling? Did she really believe that I saw no good in her? I prayed that she didn't take my words too seriously – while many of them were true and called for, I regretted the way that I said them, the sharp and hurtful edge that cut into her just like her words that had cut into me. I guess I'll find out at detention, I thought to myself, as I began to stride down the hallway.

--

I'd been in detention for 3 minutes, and I got antsier with each passing second. I had time enough to reflect on the rest of today – how anticlimactic it had been since this morning. I couldn't focus in any of my classes, but that didn't seem to matter. Lunch with Avery was kind of awkward, as neither of us really knew what to say. I decided against telling her about the detention, instead saying that I was going to remain after school to work on a project. I never told her why I was out in the hall today, so for all she knew, I was there on time and in class promptly, not deserving a detention at all. I just didn't want her to think little of me, what with this being the third detention of the week – at least that's what I told myself. I averted my mind then, because I didn't want to think any deeper on this. I could only bullshit myself to a certain extent – for in the back of mind, I knew the truth as to why I lied. I just wasn't quite ready to acknowledge it.

If I were to ever gain spontaneous heat vision, it would have been at this moment. My eyes were focused so intently on the door that I would swear I almost put a hole in it. I studied the mahogany wood mindlessly as I waited for the door to open. My mind was frenetic, and moving way too fast for the world around me.

The sound of the door opening provided me an obscene amount of relief. I scolded myself for being so consumed by this. I had a perfectly good girlfriend. That quiet but knowing part of my mind took it as no surprise – it knew very well that Avery's presence in my thoughts was dwindling. I ignored it, though, a little part of me determined to beat whatever force it was that prevented me from wanting Avery as much as I used to. What I didn't care to admit was that I knew exactly what force it was. Her name started with an A. For whatever reason, I was unable to reconcile the two most integral thoughts that probably existed to me: the first was that I loved Ashley. The second was that I wanted to love Avery. She deserved me. Well, she deserved a faithful me: of body and mind. The sooner I got everything sorted out with Ashley, the better. Then at least maybe I'd be able to make some decision. That little part of my mind knew it wasn't going to be that simple, but ignoring it had become quite habitual at this point.

The doorknob creaked around as if in slow motion, and then disappeared from my sight as the door slowly slid open. I knew it was her before she even entered. I honestly can't explain how, but somehow when you spend enough time with someone, thinking about someone, loving someone, obsessing over the fact that you can't live without someone, you kind of get a strange sense of that someone. There are certain things you can just know without being able to explain them, and this was one of those times. I could also tell that she wasn't over what transpired this morning.

She walked in slowly, her step lacking any bounce. Her shoulders were slightly slumped and her face hung in a way that I'd never really seen before – it was like the muscles had taken leave. It just… hung. The corners of her lips hung low so that she wasn't quite frowning, but kind of expressionless. Her eyes were what perturbed me the most. There was an emptiness about them, a lack of focus and agenda.

She must have noticed that I was staring at her… right? I mean it wasn't as if I was trying to hide it. My stare bore into the side of her head, just waiting for her to turn and reciprocate it with her own eyes. She sat down slowly in the desk beside my own, still not looking at me. My heart throbbed in longing. It was as if I physically needed her to look at me. Each moment that her eyes stayed away, my muscles grew tenser, as if building toward some explosion that I couldn't quite predict.

"Spencer, I'm sorry about earlier," she said quietly, still persisting in looking away. There was a pause.

"Ash, it's fine, I should have" –

"No it's not. I should never have assumed that you wouldn't move on" Every fiber of my being longed to scream that I hadn't moved on. That I'd never be able to move on. "I don't know why… I mean it was so stupid of me to think you'd be… single and waiting for me or something. I mean, I know that you're not a person I can just leave and come back to whenever I want, Spence. I don't want you to think that I feel I can walk all over you. I just got caught up in the moment, and I was just taken a little off guard. I said some things that I didn't mean, and I hope that Avery wasn't hurt by my words. More than that though, I hope that you weren't hurt by them. The last thing that I ever want to do is hurt you again." I saw her eyes flick sideways at me, but they quickly reverted back to looking absently at whatever inanimate object held their focus before. "I also want to apologize for being inappropriate with you this morning. I should never have tried to kiss you. I had no right to make any kind of advances. Whether you had a girlfriend or not, it was wrong and I'm sorry." Even though she wasn't looking at me, I wondered if she could sense me gaping at her: the unattractive way my jaw hung open, baffled.

"Ashley, that was just as much my fault, this morning! I didn't tell you about Avery, and I" – I blurted, but she interrupted me. Why was it that people always interrupted me?

"You shouldn't have had to. We established this morning that you don't owe me anything." She said nonchalantly. Emotion I couldn't quite fathom was building inside of me. Something about her indifferent tone perturbed me – I don't know whether I was angry, sad, scared, or what, but some outburst was begging to escape.

"Ashley, I don't care! I should have told you! I shouldn't have let you so close. I shouldn't have let myself go off alone with you. And I should also be apologizing to you! God, Ash, what I said to you this morning… I'm so sorry, I got carried away and I didn't mean it" – This interrupting thing was getting really old really fast.

"Spencer, don't apologize. You were right"

"Stop fucking interrupting me!" I snapped. My tone resembled that of Gretchen Weiners saying the classic 'You can't sit with us!'

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" I nearly shrieked. I was suddenly aware of my volume, and the many stink eyes I was receiving from students attempting to work. "Just stop, Ashley." I said in a hushed voice. "Everything that transpired this morning was partially my fault, too." I paused and took a few breaths, realizing suddenly that I was a little winded.

"I give you girls permission to take this elsewhere" The teacher said, clearly irritated. I nodded my head, making a moment's eye contact with him. Immediately we obliged and proceeded out the door, pausing our conversation where it was. Without a spoken agreement, we settled on the nearest girl's bathroom and once inside, we sank to the floor beside one another.

For once, Ashley was quiet. The two of us sat there for what seemed like an eternity – her eyes never moving from whatever uninteresting focus they had. My eyes, on the other hand, were increasingly dynamic, flicking dramatically all over the place, most often searching her face for some kind of explanation; some kind of answer to a question I couldn't yet identify.

"Why didn't you tell her?" I asked. I knew that she'd understand without my being specific. At this, she closed her eyes and dropped her face a little.

"Spencer, don't you realize how wrong that would have been?" I almost ignored her question – for she had finally turned and looked at me. I wished for a split second that she hadn't – the sadness that I saw in her eyes was almost too much to bear. It was as if someone had punched me in the gut. "I can't just stomp back into your life and destroy what you built while I was gone. I can't expect you to welcome me back with open arms. It would be wrong if you did. Your life didn't stop when I left" She paused, "even if mine did."

So many thoughts buzzed through my mind. So many responses fought their way to the front in a race to my lips. When I opened my mouth though, when the thoughts should have reached the finish line, they vanished. I was speechless, despite the fact that there were a million things that I wanted to say.

"You don't belong to me, Spencer. I hope you know that I know that. I cast you away from me, and that's my own fault. I'm just so sorry that I ever acted otherwise."

"Ashley, please stop apologizing." I said, feeling lame that this was all I could think to say.

"No, Spencer. I could apologize repeatedly for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough to excuse what I did to you." She sighed. "You're forgiving to a fault, do you know that?" She smiled slightly, her eyes lighting up a little. My mouth hung slightly open. Was that rhetorical? "Listen," she began again. "All I've been thinking about all day is how bad I feel. I've been waiting so long to talk to you again, and I screwed it up on the first day. Frankly, I'm surprised you're sitting here with me still." She admitted. I could hear the sincerity. Thinking objectively on our situation, she was right – I should not have been here. There was no logical reason for me to be here.

No one ever said that love was logical.

We were silent for a few minutes then, and I felt the sparks flying from her body once again as I had this morning. We were in such close proximity, and alone, once more. Had we not just spoken about how inappropriate it would have been to kiss this morning, I might have been inclined to right now. The circumstances being as they were, the tickle of her sparks at this moment was only a reminder of the living torture she was to me. I felt like freaking Edward Cullen.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, my voice piercing the quiet that surrounded around us. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it.

"I don't know." She replied after a pause. I searched my mind for options. Part of me longed to just take her into my arms and blow off everything between then and now. Part of me was scared – scared of her power and unprepared to trust her. Part of me was still angry. Part of me thought it best to cut myself off from her. I didn't even know there were that many parts of me.

"We could try being friends." I said quietly, deciding that it was probably the best compromise that the many parts of Spencer could possibly make.

"Friends..." She said in a pensive tone after a period of stillness. "I think we can manage that." She turned to me and smiled weakly. I knew that both of us wanted more. I think that we each recognized the desire in the other. For now though, this would have to do. I lifted myself from the bathroom floor, brushing off my jeans and turning around.

"Friends it is." I said, extending my hand to the grounded girl and flashing her a smile. I saw her smile grow bigger as she reached for it. Our hands touched and there was that familiar static shock. The ember inside of me smoldered. I decided that I should probably learn to ignore this if we were to be friends. I lifted her from the ground and let go, my hand missing her touch from the moment I let go.

As we walked back toward the detention room, I knew this was going to be the start of something. Grey clouds still loomed above us; still appearing slightly ominous, but suddenly apparent to me was that little silver lining – that little sliver of light that made it all okay. Whether it drizzled or it poured, I was ready. I knew that the storm wasn't over, but for the first time in a long time I felt like I might actually live to see brighter days.