Not Going Anywhere
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.
Hey guys! Here's chapter 12, sorry it took so long. School is coming to a close before break, so projects are being assigned fast, and I've got loads to do. So this chapter really doesn't advance the plot much at all, it just gives us a little perspective on time. Sorry if it's a disappointment after all of this time – it's especially anti climactic after the last few. Anyway, I hope you like it, and I'll get the next one up as fast as I can.
Oh, and before I forget! I was overwhelmed by the response on the last chapter, and the surge of comments really really made me feel great! You have no idea how much I love hearing from you. A special thanks again to those who left feedback on chapter 11: MrsMusgraveTNG, rbabe2005, idrinktogetdrunk, goshNyikes, mutt009, grangergirl22, ashikinz, letithappen, and maeisforlovers. Thank you thank you thank you! Perhaps I'll write something special for you guys for xmas
Chapter 12 – And Then the Sun Will Rise
You know that feeling when you hear about something, and then you start to see or hear about it everywhere? Now imagine that every time you saw whatever it is you're your stomach does somersaults, your heart twists and swells, and you feel like you're floating among the stars. That's kind of what it was like having Ashley back in my life. Well, physically in my life anyway, because she never left mentally, despite my desperate attempts to evict her. Ever since the day we decided to be friends I was seeing her everywhere. I wondered how I even went all those months inhabiting the same school without having seen her once.
Regardless, now it was Friday two weeks later, the last day of classes, and I had seen her at least once each day. Thankfully, not in detention – as far as I could tell, straight edge anti-delinquent Spencer was back. Sometimes I passed her in the halls, though, and she would flash me a telling smile. In it I could see everything: a friendly greeting, genuine happiness to see me, and gratefulness to have me back in her life. It was one of those looks that made physical words disposable. I still obviously sat with Avery at lunch, but I'd often see Ashley from across the room and wave happily. She'd wave back just as enthusiastically, despite the fact that she was nearly always sitting alone. I witnessed Aiden trying to sit with her a few times and each time she declined his company. It made me a little sad to see her alone each day, but she really didn't seem to mind her solitude. Sometimes during homeroom there would be enough time to have a short conversation, in which we usually talked about shallow things – our classes, college plans (which she hadn't formulated yet), and other current things. I loved being able to talk with her freely, but at the same time it always felt a bit like we were walking on eggshells. Our mouths formed certain words, but our eyes spoke completely different ones. It was as if we communicated our true affections inside our gaze. At the back of my mind lay a fear, though, a fear that at a certain point this indirect closeness wouldn't be enough at all. I was almost afraid to engage into deep or emotional conversation for fear that we might rock the boat that now floated so contentedly. In a way, it was a blessing that my schedule forbade me from seeing her too often – it bought me more time. Also beneath everything was the hurt that still burned deep inside of me. Despite my eagerness to see her each day, I still hadn't forgiven her, nor leaned to trust her (but that wasn't coming anytime soon). Sometimes I'd fall back into my melancholy mood, terrified of the fact that I was slowly but surely letting back in the one who had ripped me apart. For the most part though, the pains that had tugged at me incessantly for all of these months were becoming dulled. It was as if my daily dose of her was like a drug, numbing the pain by distracting me with a strange new happiness. While we were on these good and lofty terms, I could maintain that. As long as I could keep this bandaid on, I was okay. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but this was the best I had felt in a long time. For now, I steered clear of anything that might provoke an emotional response from either of us. I felt that was appropriate, given that we'd been on speaking terms for about two weeks.
During what seemed like every moment of these weeks, I strove to paint her in my mind with platonic images, struggling to force myself to block out other feelings. I knew that it would eventually be useless, but some unidentifiable force kept me trying harder and harder. One moment I would feel confident that we could maintain a nonphysical friendship, and then she'd walk into the room and send my innards through a loop. The feeling of dread that she used to provoke was now replaced with one of incomparable excitement, always followed quickly by an attempt to stifle it. Sometimes I think that I was successful, but I'm sure that I must have had some crazy look on my face as my emotions battled inside of me.
Nothing though, could compare to the wave of emotion that crashed over me each evening. It began the first night after we returned from detention. I had been in a trancelike state all afternoon, and I had just finished a phone call with Avery, retelling her as much of the story as I thought she should know. I told her that Ashley and I were going to try and be friends, while trying to keep the explosive euphoria out of my voice. I knew that hearing me so happy made her happy, but behind her responses, despite her kind and congratulatory words, there was hesitation. I don't think she knew that I could even hear it, but I did. Regardless, she spoke of nothing but her happiness for me and how proud she was that I was trying to make it work. On that note I prepared to go to bed for what I expected to be the first truly sound sleep I'd had in months. My mind had nearly shut down and gone into dormant mode when a quick beep pulled me gently from my siesta. I groggily peeked through halfway closed lids to see my phone lit up. I pulled it close to my eyes, which snapped open upon reading the name. I opened the text immediately.
'Goodnight, Spence' it read. I felt like the Grinch when his heart swelled 3 sizes. A tingle of warmth spread throughout my entire body and heated me to my core. The words became blurry through a wall of tears after a while, and I blinked to allow the warm tears to cascade down my rosy cheeks. The smile rippled across my face, and I remember thinking that this was the happiest I'd felt in all of these months.
'Night, Ash' I typed in reply, wishing that I could somehow convey the feeling with which I pressed each button. As soon as it had sent, I sank right into a peaceful sleep, wrapped like a burrito in my blankets - for once as warm on the inside as I was on the outside.
The following night was exactly the same – the text arrived just before I was ready for bed, and it sent the same pleasant chill up my spine. This tradition continued night after night, and soon my body knew not to fall asleep until I had heard from her. It became the thing I looked forward to each day – the reason I eagerly jumped out of bed in the morning. I knew it was ridiculous, but nothing could diminish how I felt about it. Every night for the last two weeks my spirits were lifted exponentially, regardless of how I was feeling. Rather than face what that euphoria truly meant, I chose not to delve into it. For once, I allowed myself a guilty pleasure without reprimand.
'So what are we doing tonight?' I flicked my eyes down to check my phone once my teacher had turned her back. Okay, so maybe straight edge Spencer wasn't totally back, but texting in class definitely shouldn't constitute as rebelliousness.
'Hmm… want to see a movie?' I replied. I didn't quite feel like staying home, but I didn't feel like getting dressed up to go out either. The first night of winter break should be spent relaxing somewhat, I thought. The prospect of winter break filled me in part with excitement, but also with slight trepidation. As ridiculous as it sounded, I was nervous about missing Ashley. Every time the thought crossed my mind I scolded myself. You went months and months without any contact with her, and now you can't spend two weeks apart? You don't even talk that much! I said to myself. Regardless, the thought burned obstinately like an unquenchable flame.
The teacher was droning on about projectile motion problems when my phone buzzed again.
'Sounds good. I'll call you with details after school' it read. I decided not to respond, as I hated those texts that were simple responses like 'ok' or 'yeah'. Anyway, I shut my phone and halfway closed my eyes, hoping that I could half-sleep away the remainder of this class.
The bell couldn't have tolled soon enough, but when it did I was out the door in a flash. I quickly gathered my books from my locker and headed out to my car, bidding the school goodbye for two weeks. I strode rapidly toward the car, my pace quickening with each step. I wanted to be the first one to the parking lot, as traffic would be thick with holiday excitment. Now the silver car was in view, but there was something abnormal: there was a figure leaning against the car. It took me only half a moment to figure out who it was.
"Hey, Ash" I said, mentally noting that it was okay to speak with her casually now, despite how strange it felt and how my stomach would still flutter.
"Hey, Spence," she said, standing away from the car and turning towards me. "I had a free period last, so I thought I'd come out here and wait for you. Is there any way you can give me a ride home?" She asked, her big brown eyes begging. I knew the instant she asked that I couldn't have said no if I wanted to; even though the thought of being alone with her caused my insides to twist. I could give her a ride home and it would all be fine. We were friends now.
"Sure" The word sounded tense, despite my purposeful attempt to sound breezy.
"Thanks" She flashed me a beaming smile and skipped gracefully around the front of the car. I opened my door and took one last breath of fresh air, knowing that my car would fast fill with her aroma. I climbed into the car and turned the key, the car humming to life. "I really appreciate this – my car is in the shop. Some douchebag hit it in a parking lot yesterday. Just in time for winter break festivities, eh?" I could feel her eyes on me, and I liked the warmth. I began to wonder what her plans were for the break.
"It's no problem at all, you're like, 3 minutes away from my house. Anyway, what are your plans for this break?" I asked, trying to sound casual. I was beginning to realize that there was no such thing as casual with Ashley – I would never be able to drain the feeling from my words.
"Good question," she sighed, looking away for a moment. "I don't really have any yet. Christine is probably just going to spend all of her time out of the house with whatever current boyfriend she's with. Kyla might be free… but she's got her own friends, too. I'll probably be able to force her to hang out with me a bit; you know, save me from boredom" She glanced at me then looked away again. Though I wasn't looking at her, I could tell there was something on her mind. She held her head slightly uncomfortably, as if suspended and waiting for the ground to rise to meet it. I had an inkling of what she wanted to say.
"I was actually wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out sometime" I was glad she couldn't have seen the way that everything inside of me bubbled excitedly. My stomach clenched, and I could feel the blood pooling in my cheeks. It was one thing to see her in passing when in school, but another to purposefully set aside time for her. I still wasn't sure that she deserved it, but that wasn't going to stop me from saying
"Yeah, absolutely." Her face lit up and from the corner of my eye I could see her trying to subdue a wide smile. She looked down bashfully at her hands, and I was glad for once that I had the road to keep my eyes on, because if I had to directly look at her I didn't know what I would do.
Suddenly the green that lined the side of the road seemed brighter and the sky seemed bluer. I was a little alarmed at how much she could lift my spirits. Sure, I was still conflicted as hell, but the rushes of euphoria that she provided me almost always drowned the pessimism, only to resurface later in reflection.
"I actually wondered if you were doing anything tonight?" She ventured. By the way that her voice trailed off at the end I could tell she was nervous to ask. "I mean to be honest, I really don't have any other friends." She laughed upon saying this, but behind it I could hear a sad honesty. The smile that played now at her lips seemed forced. I almost felt bad for her, but then another thought crossed my mind.
"What about Aiden? Through all of this you guys seemed to stay…close" I deliberated on word choice, and close seemed perfect. I tried to keep the disgusted connotation out of my voice, but it may have leaked in just a little – for she turned to me and looked slightly taken aback that I even asked. She was silent for a few moments before responding.
"Well, he and I don't really see eye to eye anymore." She looked down. "I haven't even spoken to him in a while." I wished so much that I could buy that. I mean, I knew that she had been distanced from him since talking to me again, but I refused to believe that she was done with him. Aiden was like an incurable disease – sometimes he was subdued but he always hung around, irking me to my very core. I refused to believe that he wouldn't be back. Rather than argue with her, though, I kept this notion to myself. The last thing I wanted was an argument with her, after we'd been doing so well for these last couple weeks. The silence between us was now a little uncomfortable – I blamed Aiden. If he never existed, this silence would probably not have been silence. In fact, we probably wouldn't be in this situation at all. I quieted my angry thoughts, growing more frustrated by the moment and only feeding this terrible quiet.
"So, are you free?" She reiterated, her eyes focused intently on me. I opened my mouth, trying to prepare an answer. I had a movie with Avery tonight, but maybe Ashley could join us. God no, that'd be so awkward. I didn't need another awkward encounter with an ex and a current. Then again though, if Ashley and I were going to be good friends, she and Avery would have to get along… right? I had to integrate them at some point. Maybe if there was just one more person to buffer the awkwardness...
"Well, I was going to go to a movie tonight with Avery, but maybe you can bring Kyla and we could make it a group thing." I said, trying to make bringing Kyla the only option. I averted my eyes from the road for a moment to gage her reaction. At first she seemed confused, her eyebrows furrowed. I could almost see the gears turning in her mind. Then I saw it – the realization in her eyes.
"Uh, yeah, let me text her and see if she's free." She flipped her phone open and began texting hastily. "Yeah, I think that'd be fun" She said somewhat absently as she finished the text. "Do you think Avery would mind?"
Part of me knew that Avery wouldn't be thrilled about this. Not that she'd argue with me, but I could predict that little break in her voice, and the disappointment she would try to hide. I tried to convince myself that this was just a step toward the bigger picture – the first step towards being friends with Ashley and being with Avery at the same time. They were each such enormous parts of my life – I could only keep them in separate spheres for so long, now that Ashley was somewhat back.
"I'm sure she'll be fine with it" I didn't want Ashley to feel bad about it – yet at the same time, I had an inkling that she would go through with this whether Avery liked it or not. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that, so I averted my mind. "If we're going to be friends I'm going to need you guys to be okay with one another." I said honestly. Ashley nodded in reply, seeming to understand.
Her phone suddenly buzzed, and within a fraction of a second her phone was open and she was reading the text.
"She can come as long as it isn't a scary movie" My eyes were on the road, but I caught her beaming smile in my peripheral vision.
"Awesome" I replied, hoping that was the appropriate word to describe the way my entire being secretly convulsed. The smile planted on my lips was absolutely real, but I couldn't feel it at the same time. I waited for the shock of this news to hit me – for it surely hadn't yet.
"Ah, Spence, take a right" I gasped, coming back into the present. I had nearly missed the entrance to her driveway. I overshot the turn, but managed to make it without hitting the stone walls on either side.
"Sorry about that" I said quietly, turning my car around in the front of the big house.
"Don't even worry about it." She said, her smile still radiating. The car came to a stop and I heard her seatbelt click open, but she remained unmoving. She turned and attached her brown eyes to my blue ones, engaging into something deeper than our conversations would allow. "I want to thank you, Spence," She said without blinking. "For giving me this second chance. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm glad you're giving it to me anyway." I could hear the sincerity reverberating in her voice like a bell that had just been chimed. Her eyes still holding fast to mine, her hand reached for mine and gave if a brief squeeze that sent a wave of chills up my arm and then down my spine. "Text me later with details?"
I nodded and attempted a smile, unable to form words at the moment. That seemed to satisfy her, as she finally broke our eerie eye contact and opened the car door. She climbed out with poise, and danced over to the front door of her house, opening it with a key that she pulled from her back pocket. I barely noticed how intently I was watching her until she turned around and looked at me. I felt myself blush, and flicked my eyes left and right, pretending that I was actually looking around. What a fail. I saw her laugh, and she proceeded inside, leaving me with just the faded music coming from my radio.
As I pulled out of her driveway, I tried to process what had just happened, and what would happen tonight. I thought of the way her eyes held to mine, the way her touch sent shivers across my body. I thought of how I should hate her, how I can't hate her, and how I love her. I thought of seeing her tonight: the first time in months where I would set aside time outside of school to see her. To deliberately see her. I thanked my lucky stars that Kyla could save the day once again – I really owed her a cookie, or something. I would repay her somehow. One hand rested on the wheel as my fingers idly dialed Avery's number. As the phone rang, I wasn't even worried about Avery's answer. I knew that she would agree to it, even if she wasn't truly happy about it. Maybe this made me a bad girlfriend, I don't know. All I knew was, tonight I was going out with Ashley Davies… and my girlfriend…And Kyla… But still Ashley Davies.