Hi everyone. So I'll remove the elephant in the room – I'm sorry it's been so so so so long. 4 months. I'm genuinely sorry, it's not fair to make you all wait, my life has just been crazy and busy, and I was so unhappy with this chapter that I was completely unmotivated to finish it. A special thanks to greenwave, who reviewed it today and reminded me to finish the crappy chapter. This really is my worst chapter not just based on content, but also on the fact that I started it in January then picked it back up in March. So I'm sorry for that too. I think my life is beginning to settle a bit though, so I should be pumping out chapters at a somewhat normal rate now. Once again, sorry, and I'll do my best to get you the next one ASAP.
Chapter 13 – A Slap in the Face
The silence between us was as thick as paint. Though she was just inches from touching me, I don't think I'd ever felt more distant from her. She had a dejected look about those doe eyes, her arms rigid at her side as she sat idly in the passenger seat. I don't think I'd ever been so uncomfortable in her presence.
Initially I thought I'd need Avery to buffer the awkwardness between Ashley and me, but I soon realized that it was the other way around. Avery responded to the proposition for tonight's plans just as I thought she would; well, in one sense at least. She obliged without so much as a word against me. 'uh, yeah that's fine' are the direct words as I recalled them. I expected hesitance in her voice, which was inevitably present, but I didn't expect this standoffishness. I picked her up from her house 15 minutes ago, and we'd barely spoken since she climbed into the car. Her body had maintained a severe and unyielding stature – far more upright than what was usual. Her eyebrows were ever so slightly furrowed above her discontented eyes – the wrinkles in her forehead becoming increasingly prominent. The only thing that looked even slightly relaxed was her hair, the auburn locks falling in gentle waves over her shoulders. The lights of the car faintly illuminated her tense visage, and I felt a tiny pang of guilt every time we passed a streetlight that would further allow me to see the discomfort on her face. Was I being a bad girlfriend to be forcing my ex on her? That question was quickly answered internally with a no: partially because if Ashley was to be my friend, they would need to get along – but also because I just needed Ashley far too much to consider any alternative.
"Are you sure this is okay?" I asked her quietly, more to get my guilt to shut up than anything. It felt as if she waited a long time to respond, but I knew it was just my internal clock ticking with a frequency that was 5 times slower than what was normal.
"Yeah, it's fine" She said dismissively. I knew that it really wasn't but the plans were made now, and I wasn't in any mood to change them last minute, much less be alone with an aloof Avery.
"Okay, we'll be there in a few minutes. Ashley's car is in the shop, otherwise she'd just drive her and Kyla by herself. I figured it wasn't too far out of the way" Avery nodded in response.
As the scenery rolled by beneath a blackening sky, the stillness between us only grew more insufferable. It was as if the oxygen had been sucked from the air, and the nothingness that floated around me was now a blanket being used to suffocate me.
"Say something." I said playfully, trying to lift a seriously damp mood by pretending that I thought all was well.
"What do you want me to say?" She replied detachedly.
"Say whatever you want to say" My tone was still light.
"Well, I don't want to say anything"
"Come on" I could feel myself getting more serious… maybe even a little annoyed. Did I even have a right to be annoyed?
"Come on what? We're going to the movies – me, you, your ex, and her sister. End of story." She said, her voice a little bit cold. I was a little taken aback by it – Avery and I had engaged in little arguments here and there, but on the whole we got along pretty flawlessly. This cold edge to her voice was unfamiliar, and so far I didn't like it.
"Oh, I forgot that this was a chore" I said, sarcastically hinting at her cold tone. "I mean wherever did I get the notion that going to the movies was supposed to be fun? God, silly me!"
"Spencer, don't be ridiculous." She said definitively, rolling her eyes.
"Me? I'm not the one who has been scowling for the last 15 minutes." I said, flicking my gaze between the road and her. She exhaled loudly. I didn't wait for her to tell me why she was acting this way – I went ahead and confronted the issue that still went unsaid. "Is it so wrong for me to want my girlfriend and my friend to get along?" I asked, my voice small. There was a pause.
"There's one integral part that you're leaving out." She looked at me seriously. "That friend is your ex. And not just any ex, she's the ex." Avery said, her eyes unfaltering from the side of my head. Why didn't she trust me? Ashley was just my friend now, despite feelings I might have had for her - or we had for each other - it didn't matter. I was determined to maintain a platonic relationship.
"You got one thing right, Avery, she is my ex. And that's all she is – you're my girlfriend, remember? If I recall, it was you who told me I should make things right with her. The thing I need you to understand is, Ashley is really important to me, and I… won't walk away from her" I almost said 'can't', but I decided won't was probably the better option. "If she walks out of my life, that's one thing, but she means too much to me as a friend to deliberately choose to cut her off. You need to realize that as long as it's my call, she's not going anywhere. You also need to trust me that nothing will happen. It's been a long time. Things have changed… we have changed." I was obviously going to withhold the fact that my feelings for her were the same at this very moment as they were before she left. "I've never given you any reason not to trust me. So just trust me." I said finally, taking a breath. I hadn't made eye contact with her for the entirety of that little speech, but I could feel her eyes on me the entire time. I couldn't decide whether she was giving me a look of attentiveness, anger, or pain, but whatever it was, she was focused intensely. Another silence hung around us, but it wasn't as desperate as before. The only sound was that of my jagged breath, flowing into and out of my lungs. I wanted to look at her, to see what she was feeling, but I was almost afraid to.
"I know. I do trust you, Spencer. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like I do. I'm just a little intimidated by Ashley is all" She said honestly, her voice barely audible over the sound of my breath.
"Why?" I asked, feeling my own eyebrows furrow. Ashley wasn't all that intimidating… was she?
"I don't know, you've got this history, and I guess I just know how much she means to you. I have to work extra hard not to resent even just the thought of her after what she did to you. You have no idea, when I met her I kind of just wanted to slap her across the face. Being as it is, though, I guess I'm going to have to try and get along with her."
"You have no reason to be intimidated. And besides, I can take care of myself." I replied. "Please just try for me."
"I will." She said, and for the first time all night I saw her crack a slight smile. It filled me with warmth to finally see her mood turn up a little. Her posture relaxed and her shoulders fell gently.
We concluded our conversation just in time, as I pulled into Ashley's driveway. I pulled up near the front door and opened my phone to text her, notifying her of our arrival. Before I could finish the text, however, the corner of my eye caught yellow light coming from the doorframe. Two darkened silhouettes stood against the light, moving slowly out the door. Even if I didn't know who I was picking up, I could easily identify Ashley with her narrow torso and lean muscular legs. Kyla stood beside her; a couple inches shorter, with a small build. I realized suddenly how long it had been since I'd seen Kyla, and excitement flared up in me. Even though she was Ashley's sister, Kyla was my friend, too. The two girls strode gracefully toward the vehicle, their shoes tapping loudly against the asphalt. Kyla opened one of the rear doors and slid into the car excitedly, jumping and embracing me around the neck in my forward facing position.
"I've missed you, Spencer!" She said through her closed jaw, her smile shining noticeably.
"I've missed you too, Kyla." I said back, genuinely happy that we'd invited her. She'd only been invited to battle awkwardness, but I suddenly realized that I really wanted her here. It had been a while since I'd spent time with any friends that I didn't really have feelings for.
Ashley climbed into the car soon after Kyla did, keeping a little cooler in her demeanor. From her I received no strangling hug, but she did flash me a winning smile.
"Hey, Spence"
"Hey, Ash" I replied, smiling widely. I turned to Avery beside me and pointed to her. "Avery, Kyla. Kyla, Avery. Oh and Ash, you two have already met." At this each of them nodded silently, looking at one another skeptically. The corners of Ashley's lips pulled up into a sarcastic smile as she raised her eyebrows. I shot her a mean look, and I knew she saw it, because she immediately stopped. "Alright, are we ready?" I asked, breaking the silence. There were 3 nods, so I turned around and put the car in drive.
The remainder of the ride would have been horrifically awkward had it not been for Kyla, who was increasingly becoming my personal superhero. Whenever awkward silences set in, she seemed to know just the innocent topic to bring up to get everyone to chime in at least once. I think that even Avery took an immediate liking to her. I still sensed a strange hostility between Avery and Ashley, but it wasn't killing the mood, so I decided against regarding it. I allowed Kyla to continue directing the conversation – she was the one keeping this boat afloat after all.
It wasn't long until we arrived at the movies. We purchased tickets, got some food, and filed into the theatre. We decided to see this new movie 'Juno' that had come out earlier this month. It was apparently about a teenage pregnancy – I'd seen plenty of lifetime movies on this subject, but it wasn't often that this kind of story reached the theatres. I was excited for some new material, and hoped that the drama in our little group would remain nonexistent so that I could actually focus on it.
As we made our way into the theatre, Avery laced her fingers into mine, and guided me towards the stairs. I followed her, my eyes roving over the hundreds of heads that were slightly illuminated in the light of the trailers. We really did pick the wrong night to come to the movies. All four of us stopped, our eyes scanning each row for seats. Some rows had single seats available, while some had two open. Though I'm sure Avery would have been more than happy to sit just us, I really wanted to sit all together.
"Aha! Found some!" I heard Kyla whisper triumphantly. She jogged up the stairs towards the middle of the theatre with Ashley in tow by her wrist. Avery forced herself ahead of me and plowed up the stairs behind them. Conveniently enough, there were 4 seats on the outside of a row, so we wouldn't have to be those obnoxious people who make everyone else stand up. Kyla went in first, followed by Ashley, and then to my dismay, Avery followed. I stood in the aisle, frozen for a moment. I took a moment to try and fathom my thoughts. For some reason, the thought of Avery between Ashley and I really irked me. I spoke before I could finish coming up with a rationale.
"Avery… would you mind if I sat on the inside? I have a thing about outside seats." I lied. Why did I feel the need to lie to her? Why did I need to put myself between her and Ashley? Avery looked at me incredulously, then stood up grudgingly. She traded seats with me and then sunk into hers, her arms crossed over her chest. I sat down and threw a sideways look at Ashley. She was looking at the screen, perhaps too intently. I would have swore that she were deliberately trying not to look at me. I thought this was probably a good thing, as I didn't know what our eyes would say if they met in this dimmed light, after having traded seats to deliberately be beside her. I looked back at Avery and caught her leering at me. She shook her head from side to side and shut her eyes, frustrated. I reached out and grabbed one of her folded hands, pulling it from her tangle. I squeezed it a couple times, a little unsure of the message that I was trying to send her. Was I apologizing? What was my excuse for this? I realized slowly that I really didn't have a good reason for inserting myself between Avery and Ashley, and I was guilty for a moment. Avery opened her eyes and stared hard into the screen, as if trying to make a hole in it. I think she was actually just deliberately avoiding me. I held her hand gently on the armrest, instantly noticing her lack of grip. I felt myself moving towards her ear. I didn't quite have anything planned, but my lips opened gently as they drew within inches of her head.
"I'm sorry. I just need to learn to get used to this." I whispered. To my surprise, the words rang with sincerity, despite each one being impromptu in the fraction of a second in which it came. Avery turned her face to me slowly, and I saw her grimace melt away. A tiny smile began to play at her lips, while her eyes remained a little sad.
'I know' she mouthed, her eyes on mine. Her head turned further and her neck was now stretching so that her head came to the side of mine.
"So do I." She whispered, her breath tickling my ear. I smiled as she pulled away, and when our eyes met I knew we had reached a little bit of an understanding.
The blood that circulated through my veins suddenly froze as quickly as it had heated moments ago. Turning my head back, my peripheral vision caught a distracted Ashley, eying me carefully. As soon as she knew I could see her, her eyes shot back to the screen, pretending to be absorbed by the final trailers. Uninterested in them, I continued to watch her as inconspicuously as possible. As the minutes passed and the movie began, her face relaxed and her eyes grew distant. There was obviously something on her mind, and I could probably guess what it was.
She persisted in not looking at me as the minutes passed – I noted that this was probably a good idea, yet I couldn't quite tear my eyes from her. The colors projected onto the screen illuminated her face dimly, accenting her heavy eye makeup. Her normally amber brown eyes resembled black beads in the darkness. A shadow fell below her bottom lip, which protruded ever so slightly. Did she notice this? I studied her lips for the next couple minutes – they were so delicate and perfect. A couple times she took the lower one between her teeth and raked it gently. Was she stressed? I felt myself moistening my own lips. I suddenly realized how obviously I was staring at her. My body was slightly tilted in her direction, my neck craned to the left. My arm was leisurely sprawled across the arm rest, leaving little room for Ashley's, should she want to use it.
I immediately sat bolt upright and faced the screen. I guessed it had probably been longer than I thought since I'd paid attention. The pregnant girl, Juno, I guessed her name was, was sitting in the home of the potential adoptive parents, played by Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner. They were relatively big actors, and wouldn't have taken a role in this movie to be small roles, so I decided that they would inevitably be the parents. This rationale permitted me to zone out once more, fully confident that I knew the plot.
I carefully adjusted my vision so that I could watch Ashley again without being conspicuous. I watched as she laughed at all the right parts – I felt myself laughing along with her, despite the fact that I wasn't paying attention to whatever witty dialogue droned in the background. Her laugh was so beautiful – so melodic and cheery.
I was ripped from my reverie when an arm fell protectively across my shoulder. I whipped my head around to see a disgruntled Avery, staring hard once again into the screen. Her arm pulled me closer to her, but it wasn't a caring caress – it was a restraining one. I allowed myself to fall into it nonetheless. Why was Avery doing this? She couldn't have marked her territory more obviously if she had peed all over me. I internalized a slight annoyance at her. I wasn't doing anything wrong, was I? Questions and thoughts buzzed through my head as the movie continued. I had pretty much given up, at this point, my hopes of grasping the storyline. I decided that seeing a movie was certainly not the right choice – it gave me too little to focus on, and with this space to think, my mind was going berserk.
The rest of the movie passed quickly, my thoughts still running rampant. I didn't look at Ashley again. I thought it smarter not to swim out into waters in which I couldn't swim – and that's exactly what Ashley was. Deep and ominous… and enticing waters. Kyla, unlike the rest of us, seemed consumed by the movie. Avery's grip on my shoulder gradually relaxed, but I knew that wasn't the end of her abrasiveness. I knew that I would be in for it when we dropped Ashley and Kyla off.
We left the theatre and I felt as though I hadn't even seen the movie. The drive home was filled with Kyla's comments about the pithy dialogue. The phrase "What's the prognosis Fertile Myrtle?" resonated. Both Avery and Ashley were quiet. When we finally reached the house, Kyla hugged both Avery and me, thanking us repeatedly. Ashley simply waved.
The door shut, and I waited for the gunfire. Instead, a silence set in, but that turned out to be worse. I knew something was coming, and my stomach began to twist. Instead of feeling nervous though, I began to grow angry. It wasn't fair. I'd talk to her and feel like we got somewhere on this issue, and then she'd be mad again. Why was she doing this to me? I didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't take this.
"So did you like it?" I said softly, masking my frustration.
"It was fine. Did you even watch it?" She spat.
"What do you mean?" I decided to play dumb. Only time would tell if it was a smart move.
"You know exactly what I mean. You watched Ashley that entire time. Don't even deny it, that would be an insult to both of us." Yeah, the playing dumb was definitely a mistake.
"Avery, it's just strange having her back in my life. I feel like she's just going to vanish."
"You and I know that there's more to it than that."
"Please. Just give me a chance to get used to this. You said you understood. You're just going to have to trust me."
"It's hard to, when you only have eyes for her." This triggered me to snap.
"Avery, you need to get past the fact that your ex cheated on you! Jesus! I understand that it hurt you a lot, but it's not my fault! Don't punish me for something she did to you!" I hissed. Anger bubbled up inside me violently. I couldn't explain it, but her accusations infuriated me. She accused me of something I fought with every fiber in my being not to feel. She couldn't scold me now. Not when I was trying so hard.
"Why do you even like her?! Do you even remember what she did to you? She broke you! She left you, and went with the dick instead. She's a slut, Spencer. Believe it or not, though, leaving was the best thing she ever did for you."
The next few moments were a blur, but the crisp sound of my palm across her face was something I wouldn't soon forget. The car swerved with my movement, but I regained control quickly. My hand throbbed as the realization of what I'd done dawned on me.
We were both still for a few moments, but I could nearly feel her gaping. She closed her dropped jaw and crossed her arms, sinking back into her seat. She glared out the window, and I knew that she wasn't going to look at me or speak to me for the rest of the ride. I wasn't about to ask her to.
We spent the next ten minutes in silence. I was still boiling, but the slap was a nice release. I knew I'd feel bad about it later, but for now I reveled in it. The soreness of my hand was like a trophy. When we arrived at her house, she left the car without a word, slamming the door just a little harder than she normally would. She stormed up the driveway and was inside before I could count to ten.
The rest of the night was also spent in silence, other than the "Hi Dad." And the "It was good, I'm tired though, so I'll tell you about it tomorrow." I undressed and slid into my sheets, trying to clear my mind. Stewing over tonight wasn't going to do me any good – I had to pick up the pieces soon anyway. I had almost reached sleep, when a buzz reached my ears.
"Goodnight, Spence."
I smiled. At least I had one person on my side. Even if that person was the one that technically got me into all of this. One word resonated in my mind suddenly – "slut." How could Avery have called her that? What right did she have? A protective feeling surged through my veins, and I realized that the thought of Avery saying something hurtful about Ashley was what triggered the slap. Who would have thought that after all of this, I would still feel the unstoppable need to protect her?
"Night, Ash." I typed. I wasn't sure what tomorrow would bring, but if there was one thing I knew, it was that it wouldn't be long until I saw Ashley again.