Toji and Mana stood and floated outside of a small Greek Cafe that Satan had chosen for the meeting. They weren't allowed in, and had been waiting outside for the past twenty or so minutes. The girl looked up suddenly.
"So you went to Hell, huh?"
The jock looked up at Mana. "Wha'?"
"Hell. You went there, yes? Seeing as Satan has brought you back to annoy Shinji-kun and all." She grinned lightly as he kicked her in the thigh, feeling his coldness seep through her.
"Hell? No, I wasn't that bad. I went to Purgatory. Satan owns an equal half of it." He leaned back upon nothing, assuming his new favorite position.
"And? How was it?" Girl's nosy, he thought.
"Boring, really. Basically it's a cosmic time-out corner so all the big girls and boys can think about what they've done. I was clean, except for trying to kill angels and whatnot. They don't like that, apparently. Spent a week in there- felt like a century. Then Satan says 'No, go back!' And, bam, I'm da ghost of da group."
"Sounds tough," she conceded. He nodded. "Would you like a hug?"
He glared at her as she broke into a fit of giggles. "Suck my ectoplasm, bitch. Should have left you burnin'."
"Too bad that's not your business, it's-" Ikari walked in, wearing his usual platonic expression. "SHINJI-KUN!!!" She launched herself at him, grasping him in a fierce hug. She frowned as he beat at her arms but, as per usual, she saw it in the best (To her mind) light. "Shinji-kun, you're so frisky today!" He started to choke as she constricted his wind-pipe.
"You realize he's turnin' a bit blue, yeah?" The ethereal jock pointed lazily to his friend and (presumably) masters face, which indeed seemed to be taking on a none-too-healthy hue of blue.
"Really?" Shinji started frothing at the mouth. "Oh. Oops!" She dropped him roughly onto her knee- by the way he gasped in pain; Toji suspected that it was a kidney.
"So," the ghost began, "What did Satan say?"
Ikari looked at him cross-wise. "He gave me a pamphlet!"
"What?"
Wordlessly, the Antichrist held up an off-white pamphlet- its front page was a black and white picture of a cheery looking demon with a pitchfork, jabbing said weapon into someone's bum. A speech bubble leading from his maw said "Corruption and You: How to Become the Anti-Christ in 9 Easy Steps!" Mana took it from his numb hands, leafing through it quickly.
"'Step 3: Masturbation makes the mind wander, and lets you become closer to becoming the new King On Earth.' Huh. Satan seems pretty loose, all in all."
"Probably cuz he's Satan," quipped Toji. Mana pointedly ignored him.
"Ooooh," she squealed as she looked through the five page pamphlet. "Here's one- 'Step 8: Commit a murder of a friend; it frees the spirit for the evil about to fall afoot.' Sounds fun."
"How close is close enough, I wonder?" Toji looked cross-ways at Mana, who ignored him in favor of latching onto Shinji's arm.
"Shinji-kun, let's start the list!!!" She regarded him with greedy, pleading eyes.
"W-w-we? Why we?" He shook his arm to rid himself of her, but she simply gripped it tighter.
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, Shinji-kun! I'll be good... or very bad, if you like." She wiggled her hips, and rubbed her chest all up and down his arm.
"Mana, you're fourteen!!!" He struggled harder to rid himself of her vice-like grip, but to no avail.
"So are you!" Perhaps the she didn't 'Get' was that she hadn't filled in very well at all- at the moment, her breasts consisted of two mediocre lumps stacked under a training bra, and her hips seemed to be lacking in the existence department. Honestly, if it weren't for the long hair and the fact that she was rubbing her crotch on his knee at the moment, he could have mistaken her for a boy. "I'll be gentle on you!" He finally managed to break the hold on his limb, causing the girl to slip and fall on her face.
Toji swooped in on her, planting his feet through her skull. "Shinji, go! I'll run interference!" To prove the point, he jumped up, and then went down through the floor up to his waist, effectively giving the girl an effect similar to water-boarding. "GO!!!"
Shinji paused just long enough to gather the pamphlet to him, and then he was off, bolting away from the girl in terror.
Behind him, he could hear a thunderous yell- "Shiiiiiiiinjiiiiiiiii!!!"
He ran faster.
He wedged himself between the dumpster and the crumbling brick wall, thankful that it was an ill-used drop off point for the refuse of the city. He patted his pocket, finding his quarry in there. He pulled out the off-white sheaves of paper, and turned it to the first page (Emblazoned with a large, fiery 1 to the bottom right). It was the preface- it read; "Welcome, new employee, to Satan Inc.! Since this is your first time with us, we will give a basic rundown as to the benefits, responsibilities, and abilities that come with your new source of employment as Anti-Christ!!!" The last word was hastily scrawled in with a chicken-scratch dialect that was hard to decipher. He must have quite a few applicants, thought Shinji. He began reading again; "As the newest Anti-Christ!!!, you are expected to sow destruction , reap the souls of the innocent, and Reign Hell On Earth!!! . The question is, good sir or madam, how do you go about doing this?" Shinji scanned down the rest of the page- it outlined the illustrious history of Hell with catch-all terminology and hastily scribbled in facts (Whoever did that had a spelling problem). He turned the page to, as Satan had put it, his "Undefeatable, indefatigable 9 step process to becoming the new Antichrist!!!"
In stark black and white, which contrasted harshly with the otherwise gaudy lettering that characterized the front page, there was the heading, Step One. Underneath it, in smaller kanji, 'Scream. Unleash a primal scream of rage, pain, joy, what have you. It unleashes the inner hellion inside us all!'
Shinji rolled his eyes. Satan is fucking lazy, is what. Whatever. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and screamed.
Well, tried to, anyway. What came out of his throat was more of a strained whimper- the Third Child was not used to screaming unless some ungodly [sic] monster was tearing him limb from limb. He had little practice otherwise, and the stigma for making himself known was still strong. He shook his head and tried again.
He took another breath, and prepared to try again. Nothing; a strangled cry for help.
He prepared to take another, but stopped.
Wait… wait… ears straining, he held what little oxygen was still in his lungs.
Then, a whisper. "Shiiiiiiinji-kun… Shiiiiiiiiiiiiinji-kun…"
They were getting closer, now.
"Where are you? Shiiiinji-kun…"
He softly let out a breath, only in order to gather more oxygen.
"There you are!" Hands grasped him around the neck from behind, pulling him backwards with more force then a fourteen year old stick should rightfully own. This time, he had no problem letting out a shriek of terror.
"Hmmmm…"
"What is it?" Toji was still glaring sullenly at her, the mistress herself sitting heavily on Shinji, the Third child breathing shallowly.
Mana twirled the pamphlet in her hands once again, reading the 'Mystical, Wonderful, Magical Step-by-Step Process to Daemonhood' (or somesuch like that, anyway). "Well, whatever, but the first step, the one where he has to scream?"
"Yeah?"
"It's crossed out. Looks like blood."
"Well, it is straight from the bowels of Hell. Dat stuff is like some of that dope weed goin' round the Shinigami headquarters."
"The Shinigami have a headquarters?"
He sighed ethereally. "Yeah. It's like one big goddamn police station. At least they're cool about it- the worse your death, the nicer they are. They kick smothered babies over there, though. It's like a sport, or som'thin'."
"That's horrible!"
"They do the same job, goin' on ten million, billion, whatever years straight. I'd kick 'em too."
"Well, I guess…no! You sick fuck! You're wrong in the head!"
"And you're killing the Anti-Christ," he pointed out coolly.
She shook her head, running her fingers through Shinji's hair- he was going blue once again. "If I let up, he'll run away again! Do you know how hard he is to catch?" Toji shook his head, little wisps of him detaching at random. "Very damn hard! He's a slippery one, yes he is, my lil' Shinji-kun!" Her voice turned from a rage to a coo, and she pinched the boys' cheeks roughly at the words "lil' Shinji-kun!" She looked back at the pamphlet in her hands, shifting her weight to the left a little so that Shinji could gasp fruitlessly at the precious, evasive air that so mocked his starved lungs. "What's the next step… ah!" She abruptly frowned. "Oh, poo. That's not good at all!" She fitfully threw it on to the ground, making a 'Hmmph'-ing noise as she did. Luckily, it was face up, so Toji could read the lettering.
"Step Two… petty vandalism? Really? Is Satan some cosmic Highschool delinquent?" The ghost shook his head.
In the lightest corner of the world (So bright that a normal mans eyes would melt from the radiance), a man coughed fitfully, wiping dark, dirty locks from his eyes with a weak hand, and there was the sensation of falling.
Hours passed- days, months, years, millennia, maybe, falling, crashing, burning- and when it stopped, the man stood on shaky feet, stamping on the ground with be-sandled feet. He eyed the crater his landing had made, hands once again running along his dreadlock like, matted dark hair.
From his lips came the words… "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…"