SE Hinton owns the Outsiders.

Fast update! Thanks and please review!

*

Ponyboy has his first panic attack two days before finals. He's engrossed in his thoughts: classes, finals, his health, his goddamn stupidity for whatever he shouldn't have done that night, his sliced arms…when it all catches up with him.

At first he thinks he's having a heart attack. His hands, his insides shake, and Ponyboy waits out the most miserable 15-seconds of his life with clenched eyes.

*

Later that night, Soda finds Ponyboy in the bedroom, flipping aimlessly through a book. Soda sits on the edge of the bed, a long streak of grease on his cheek. "You could have told me, you know."

Pony nods, closing the book.

Soda pats Pony's knee. "Darry's just—he's just upset right now. Give him a few days, he'll settle down."

Pony meets Soda's eyes. "And you?" he asks, voice tight. "What're you?"

Soda's eyes flick downward. "Well, Pone…I guess I'm…I'm disappointed. You're too smart to just drop out, kiddo. You ain't me. You'd never be happy bumming around here, fixing cars."

Soda leans across to give Pony a hug, unaware just how much his words have stung. "It'll be okay," Soda says. "We'll figure something out."

*

It's early afternoon. Steve finds Pony sitting at the kitchen table, staring at nothing. He raises a dark brow. "Darry scare the piss out of you yesterday?"

"Screw you, Steve."

"Kid, you screwed yourself, keeping your lips zipped for so long." Steve sits down next to the boy. "You ain't sick or anything are you?"

Pony draws back. "Sick?"

Steve taps his index finger on the table. "Look. Soda told me what happened with you and Darry. But he didn't mention anything about your arms being sliced up, so I'm figuring you ain't said nothing about that."

Standing up, Steve lingers a moment, hoping the kid says something; deny, yell, pull a punch, anything to throw some life back into him. But he doesn't.

Pony watches Steve leave and then he goes for the phone.

*

"I told Darry. Well, kind of."

"Good boy," Sarah says. "That's something. How'd it go?"

"He didn't listen. Did you hear me Sarah? He didn't listen. I tried to explain…but…"

"Calm down, baby. Did you make him listen?" Sarah holds the receiver tight, scrutinizing the detached voice. Glancing over her shoulder, she searches for Sam.

"You don't know Darry."

"Well, he sounds like a stubborn ass. Maybe I should come down there and—"

Sarah's words blur. Pony tugs the receiver away from his ear, resting his forehead against the earpiece. He takes a slow breath. His brain feels like a chicken bone that's been picked over and tossed in the trash.

*

At the same time that Ponyboy is on the phone with Sarah, Sodapop meets Darry for lunch. Darry's at the counter, drinking black coffee and staring at a burger and fries. Soda plops down next to him.

"We gotta talk about Ponyboy."

Resting his elbow on the countertop, Darry smashes his palm against his cheek. "Soda, I don't know if you want to get me started. For such a smart kid he can be so—"

Soda reaches over to steal a fry from Darry's plate. He points it at his brother. "Can you give him a break? He already feels lousy enough with you givin him the silent treatment."

"He's going back to school, Soda. I'll drag him there myself."

"Look…Darry…"

"Soda, don't try and make excuses for him."

"I'm not. I want him to go back just as much as you do. But I've been thinkin…Pony's smart. He wouldn't have dropped for nothin. Look at the grief he gave me when I did."

Soda shifts his weight to lean in closer. "Dar, I really think something else is wrong."

Anger and guilt war with each other. Darry knows it's true just as much as Soda does. He stares at Soda for a moment and then curses. "Shit."

*

The next day, Two-Bit takes Ponyboy to a movie. When it's over they walk outside. "Holy shit, Batman" Two-Bit breathes. Snow coats the street, traffic lights on the fritz, the sky dark and fuzzy. He wonders if they should chance driving or hoof it.

"Well kid, where to now? Bowling? A strip club?" Two-Bit rubs his hands together. "Or perhaps the two of them combined?"

Ponyboy rubs his tired eyes. "Two-Bit, go on home. It's New Year's Eve. I'm sure you want to spend it with Kathy."

"Are you sure?" Two-Bit feels rotten sending the kid home to an empty house; Darry's avoiding him and even Sodapop hasn't had much to say. Two-Bit can't believe it either that Ponyboy Curtis is a college dropout but he won't give the kid grief about it.

"Yeah," Pony says. "But I may be sleeping over at your place soon if Darry kicks me out."

"Shit kid, there's no way in hell Darry'd ever kick you out. He's pissed now but he'll get over it."

"Yeah? Well, people keep telling me that but I ain't so sure I believe them." As he speaks, the streetlights above flicker and go out.

*

The house is dark except for a few burning candles. There's a knock and Alice answers the door. Darry holds up a flashlight and a paper bag. "I brought you some things." The blizzard's knocked power out around some of the city.

Alice smiles. "How's the weather out there?"

Darry steps inside the apartment, brushing snow from his coat. "Thought I'd never make it over here. Accidents all over the place." He looks around Alice's living room, surveying the candles, the blankets draped over a chair. "You warm enough?"

"I'm fine, Darry. My dad's coming over…they still have electricity over at their house."

"Good," Darry says, nodding.

"How about you?"

"What?"

"What about your house?"

"I don't know. I haven't been home yet. I came straight here from work…" Darry frowns, remembering Ponyboy and Two-Bit had left the house earlier in the morning. Soda had gone someplace with Steve. He checks his watch.

"Darry? What's wrong?"

"I don't know where my brothers are."

"I'm sure they're at home." Alice gives him a sympathetic smile. "But you should go see."

Darry's already zipping up his jacket. "You'll be okay?"

"Glory, yes, Darry," Alice says with a laugh. "Go. Go find them."

*

"Oh, you got the blues, baby," Sarah tells him. She looks up from her thesis. "Talk to daddy. He'll fix you." She bites the end of her eraser. "Or better yet, tell them brothers of yours."

Instead, Ponyboy skips all his finals. And without thinking of a better solution, he drops out. He can't do it.

*

Two-Bit drops him off at home, waving goodbye as he peels out, snow and mush flopping out of his tires. Their street is dark except for a lone light coming from the garage. Pony heads toward it, slipping once in the flurry of snow but catching himself.

"Soda?" he calls, wanting to make sure his brother is at home. The garage is lit up with gas lanterns; a few hang from the beams above, some set on workbenches and tables. Soda comes out from behind a busted Chevy, swathed in a heavy coat and work gloves.

"Hey, Pony. Make it home okay?"

"Yeah, Two-Bit just dropped me off."

"Darry home?"

Pony shakes his head. Soda sets a wrench on the hood of the car. "C'mere, I want to talk to you."

Ponyboy stays where he is. "What about?"

"Kiddo, I've been thinking about what you told me and Darry about college and it don't fit."

"Why? What'd Steve tell you?"

"Steve? What's he got to do with this?"

"Nothing."

"Pone, you can talk to me. You can tell me anything. You could be from another planet and I wouldn't care." When Pony's silent, Soda gives him a look. "Come off it Ponyboy. I ain't stupid. Now what the hell's going on with you?"

"I just…I just can't go back to school, Sodapop. I miss too much when I'm away."

Soda raises a brow. "What're you talkin about? Tulsa ain't changin."

"It's not that. It's just—I don't—I'm not even included anymore. You and Darry talk about stuff and I'm always the last to know." As Ponyboy searches for a story to spin, truth still manages to find existence in his excuse.

Ponyboy backs up, knocking into a stack of tires. Despite his thin jacket, he's hot. Burning. Pony's chest hurts; anxiety overwhelming in its power. "Everyone else is the same. Everyone else is fine. But I had to go away…because you guys thought I'd be better off. And you're all here and I'm not."

"Kiddo, I'm so sorry if we made you think that. But you gotta believe me, none of that's true." Soda's voice is gentle. He takes a step towards his shaking brother. "Pony…"

Pony shakes his head, ripping his eyes away from Sodapop. "I think Darry's home," he mumbles, turning to leave.

"Hey Pony, hold up…" Soda sighs, going after him. He reaches out, catching Pony's sleeve to pull him back. The sleeve rides up, revealing the beginning of the white scar. Soda frowns.

Wide-eyed, Pony tries to worm away. "Sodapop…"

Gripping tighter, Soda jerks Pony towards him, shoving the sleeve up to Pony's elbow. "What—Ponyboy, what the hell is this? I mean, what the hell!"

"Nothing, Soda, it's nothing!"

"Let me see the other one. Pony!" Soda shouts when Pony's resistant.

Pony sticks his right arm out, showing Soda the damage. Soda gawks, dropping Pony's wrist. Pony lets his arms hang limply at his side. "It's not what you think. Don't get upset Soda," Pony whispers.

"Don't get upset? Ponyboy! What is this? Jesus Christ, honey," Soda's voice breaks. "What happened to you?"

*

The sky's black when Darry swerves into the driveway. As soon as he exits the truck he hears the yelling. Frightened, hurt; the kind that causes a knot to ball his stomach. Slamming the door shut, he bolts for the garage. In the dim light, it takes Darry a moment to find them. And when he sees them he doesn't know what to think. They're standing in a corner, both looking miserable. Soda's voice sounds like a kind of chant, a desperate sort of prayer.

"What happened? Please, kiddo…just tell me…just tell me what happened…"

Suddenly, Ponyboy's face crumples and he begins to cry. Soda wraps his arms around their brother, Pony's body jerking against Soda's chest.

Darry approaches, touching the back of Pony's bowed head. Soda looks like he wants to drop to the floor any second. Darry locks eyes with him. "Soda?"

"His arms, Dar."

Darry uncurls Ponyboy's bony body from Soda's hold. "Let me see, Ponyboy."

Ponyboy shows.

Darry clears his choked throat. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm real sorry I didn't listen before, kiddo."

With those words, it's as if a piece of duct tape has been ripped from Pony's mouth. Ponyboy begins to speak and sob at the same time, rambling words, suffocating on memories. He tells them about the party, the drink and everything after that. Sometimes he stops to catch his breath, other times he just looks lost and disoriented. Darry stays calm, composed, while Soda keeps making painful noises and shaking his head at the parts that scare Darry just as much as Soda.

Pony finally finishes; his eyes are shiny, his face delirious, unsteady from the weeks of uncertainty that have followed him.

*

Not finished. I think two more to go.

As always, thanks for reading…pardon typos, and please review.