Jasper POV

Nessie dropped her hands and turned to the room, with not a single tear in her eyes.

"Next time…" she turned, pointing to the back of her shirt "…just remember whose team I'm on!"

She threw her hand up to Jacob's for a high five.

Several thoughts hit me at the same time. First, I wouldn't want to make Nessie mad at me; it was clear she would be a formidable enemy. Secondly, I was amazed that she had been able to fool me with her emotions. I had never sensed that she was being anything but what she presented - an emotionally upset child. Lastly, I was quite humored by the looks on my family's faces and their reactions, including my own. I was a little in awe of her, but I would have to find a way to pay her back for taking me on the emotional roller coaster ride.

Emmett bellowed out from where he stood around the couch, "We've just been punk'd. Edward's little terror just punk'd us." He was clearly torn between laughter and indignation. As usual, with Emmett, the laughter won. He sat down in one of the chairs, his chest heaving with mirth.

Alice leaned into me, her eyes promising retribution, and said, "See, that's why we don't need to take in any strays – no respect." I couldn't help laughing. She was probably angrier that she hadn't able to see it coming than she was that it had happened. Knowing her, she would have participated in the drama if given half the chance.

Carlisle honestly looked like he was about to have a heart attack – if vampires could. His face seemed whiter than normal, and his hands continued to shake a little as he stared in disbelief at Nessie. Carlisle was as much a father to me as I could remember my own father being. He took Alice and I in without reservation, helping me to adjust to this foreign way of life. I had seen him go through the events of our lives together without one word of complaint.

During the time we waited to see if Alice and Bella had been able to save Edward, I had seen him grieve. His worry, during Bella's pregnancy, was apparent to everyone. Although I had also seen him contemplative, I had very rarely seen him speechless – but this was one of those times. His mouth kept opening and closing, almost like a guppy, in an attempt to say something. Esme finally leaned over and pressed his mouth closed with her hand, holding it shut.

Esme just smiled. Her happiness radiated throughout the room. She was obviously tickled that Nessie had stood up for Jake. I knew she had almost caved several times during the presents, and I had already planned an intervention if she couldn't hold it together. It was all okay that she was the heart of the group, but there were just times that you had to take invasive action against the individuals in this family - and this was just one of those times.

Rose had knelt at Nessie's feet in remorse when Nessie began wailing about the presents. Henry was sitting up, beside her, in the garish pink dog bed that Rose had purchased. "Born to be Wild" – it was quite funny. Sensing some of the emotions coming off Henry, I wasn't so sure that the bed wouldn't have been more appropriate for him. He was looking very cozy in it. Rose, however, growled as Nessie's hand smacked against Jake's.

Historically, Rosalie would have gotten extremely agitated and stalked off in a fit … even possibly broken a few things … or at the very least required Emmett to coddle her for at least a week or so. So when she stood to her feet with her hands fisted, I figured … here we go again … another Rosalie drama queen moment. Instead, her face stretched into a broad grin, as I sensed her mischievousness. She snatched Nessie off the couch quicker than I could almost follow her movements. Sprinting out the door with Nessie over her shoulder, a still-laughing Rose was quickly being tailed by Jacob. Although still somewhat in a state of shock, we all rushed to the windows to follow the action.

Rose was headed toward the river with Jacob close behind. She reached up, without breaking her stride, and first slipped off the garlic necklace chunking it at Jake. When that didn't distract him, she slipped the "Team Jacob" shirt off Nessie tossing it over her shoulder with precise aim. It flipped back into Jacob's face, causing him to stumble just a second. But that was just long enough for Rose to increase her lead. Without stopping, she jumped into the river with Nessie. When they surfaced, she started laughing out, "Do you know what we do to puppies that mess in their own house ...they get baths." Nessie's peals of laughter rang out through the air in response. Rose and Nessie went back under several more times before Rose felt vindicated. Jacob had slung the shirt over his shoulders and was walking back to the house grinning, as Rose and Nessie walked out of the river soaking wet. Nessie picked her necklace up, placing it on her neck again, while she threw Rose a fake challenging look. Rose doubled over in laughter.

Alice and I were next, but we had to give Rosalie and Nessie time to clean up. I knew that Alice would sacrifice me on the altar of strategic maneuvers. She would make me go first. She loved me to distraction, but when it came to winning the coveted last spot in this competition, Alice Cullen was a ruthless, cut-throat opponent. I knew she was miffed that she had not figured out her presents. We had each taken either Jacob or Nessie with us to purchase them, so that she wouldn't be able to have a clue. My poor Alice, her life changed with Jacob, Nessie, and Henry. She wasn't able to be all-powerful anymore.

Rose and Nessie finally wandered back down the stairs – having showered. Nessie had intentionally put her new shirt back on. She went over to Carlisle and I could quickly tell she was going to "suck up" to him, as Emmett would say. He attempted to give her a reproachful look, but she wasn't fooled. She turned her big brown eyes on him, and he lost the battle. She grinned in delight as he held out his arms for her. Esme patted her on the top of the head from her perch on the arm of Carlisle's chair.

I looked down at the pile of presents and attempted to decide which one to start with. I picked up Emmett's, to go ahead and get the sexual reference or sports memorabilia over with. His present – whatever it was – was tied into a Nike shoe box with a piece of string wrapped around it to keep the lid from falling off. He narrowed his eyes at me as I began to break the string. Opening the box the first thing I noticed was a black oval container of Kleenex. But, it wasn't like any box I had ever seen. Emmett had somehow had the outside cover of the container personalized. On one side, in huge silver letters, were the words "Hang in there." On the other side of the container were the words, "EMO in distress."

Smart ass… Included in the box were several DVDs. I found "Rudy," "Field of Dreams," "Hoosier's," "Brian's Song," and finally deviating from the sports arena came "Officer and a Gentleman," "Shawshank Redemption," and finally "Brokeback Mountain." I looked to Em while Rose began snickering. He, of course, took the opportunity to explain.

"I researched all the Guy-Cry movies to find the best for you. I know you secretly watch those Chick-Flicks with Alice, so I thought I would at least help you man up," he added, with just the right amount of challenge.

I held up Brokeback Mountain shaking it slightly, just waiting to see his explanation about this one.

"Well you know how you cowboys are?" he said, letting his voice trail off.

I knew what was coming…damn perfect vampire recall….

"Do you think I am going too fast? Maybe I should put on the brakes? Fast or slow, I like the direction you're going," Rosalie mimicked the actors' voices from the movie with perfect drawls.

Even Carlisle chimed in with the infamous, "I wish I knew how to quit you…"

But most amazing one was the statement from Jacob. "You're supposed to mind the sheep - not eat them."

Heads whipped around to stare at him in amazement for his uncanny intuition and recall. Carlisle lost it. He began laughing so hard that the structure of the chair was threatened. Henry obvious found the sight of his grandfather's body jerking in convulsions hilarious, and his high squeals joined with Carlisle's. Even Alice was fighting the twitching of her lips. Carlisle kept muttering, "…mind the sheep…not eat them." He continued to chuckle slightly to himself. Alice checked him off the list.

Esme looked to me. "Jasper, why don't you go ahead and open mine? I think it might go famously with Emmett's gift."

Esme really didn't have the heart to play this game. She loved to gently tease each individual in the family, but the all out warfare that generally occurred during this time was just beyond her level of comfort. I had helped her to get Edward's gift, and I honestly felt that she had outdone herself finding the Little Einstein's piano. I had suggested she get one of the xylophones, but she fell in love with the garish gift, swearing it would be just enough to get on Edward's nerves. I couldn't wait for Bella and him to get back to see the thing.

I untied the ribbon surrounding Esme's gift. It was a T-shirt. It was brown, and on the front it said in bold white letters, "NOTHING FEELS GOOD." Obviously it was fashioned after the one worn on the front cover of the similarly titled book. I raised my eyebrow at her and she smiled. Alice, however, had other ideas. Before I knew what she was doing, she ripped the T-shirt I was wearing off my body and was pulling the new one over my head.

"You look good in that color. Esme, I would have never realized he would look good in the winter colors. The brown does something for his complexion." Complexion my butt … my stomach sunk when I realized where this was heading. Every couple of years some poor sucker in the family would get unlucky enough to become a walking showcase for the gifts he/she would receive. There was no rhyme or reason to why it occurred - it just did.

The last really good episode I remembered was back during the late 70's when Edward had to endure dressing up like Elton John, large glasses, flashy clothes, and all and play piano for hours. Alice still had the video stored somewhere. Rosalie was quickly shoving her gift to me towards Alice, and I knew in that moment I had become the next sucker. You couldn't remove the items until the end of the game - and you just prayed that the person who won didn't require you to wear them for a longer amount of time. Edward hadn't been that lucky his year.

Resigned, I picked up Rose's small box. Tearing through the tape on the box, I opened it to find a mood ring. Great! She had harassed me with the things back when they were popular in the 70's.

"I figured we might need a better handle on your moods after the incident with Bella. Alice can help us monitor the colors and if it goes gray or black we can all take you down," she stated, smugly. "Just in case Edward isn't around to read your mind."

The eyes of the family flicked back and forth between us, waiting for my comeback. I took the ring out of the box and placed it onto my little finger – figuring I wouldn't retreat – knowing that would only make it worse.

She continued, "Oh look it stayed black…not good. Jake, grab Nessie and Henry and run - you are the only ones in here right now that might smell half way good to him." With this she stood up in front of them as if to block me.

Of course it was all black – the thing worked off the skin temperature and since I would register as 'dead' on that scale, it wasn't going to do anything different. I looked down, managing an utterly bored look on my face, pretending that the thing might actually work on me. "Hmmm….I wonder what color it would turn if I was being an as…."

Alice had cut off my statement, putting her hand across my mouth. She shook her head a little, looking over towards Nessie. Bella had a fit when any of the group cussed in front of her… although; Nessie's one true puppy love was the worst offender. Everyone, including Rose, smiled in attempts to keep from bursting out. Rose held the title of queen grudge holder, but Bella's temper was even more glorious than Rosalie's.

Speaking of Bella, I picked up her present next, being clued in by the note attached. The rectangular box was heavy in comparison to the other gifts and this raised my curiosity. I pulled the tape way from the paper, laughing that she had utilized left over Christmas wrap. Once I saw the labeling on the box, I was hesitantly hopeful. It said Franklin Mint – I couldn't have possibly gotten lucky this year – could I? Opening the box, I pulled out the chess set, running my hand reverently across the top of the board. Pulling the top off the set, I saw the civil war figures. I picked the Ulysses Grant King out of the box looking at the beautifully sculpted pewter figure. Bella couldn't have chosen a better gift, so what was the catch.

I then noticed two things. One piece was missing. It was Belle Boyd, the Confederate Queen. At the same time a glint of red, on the piece I was holding, caught my attention. Looking back at the figure more carefully I noticed two very small specks of red enamel paint on Grant's neck, in the historically assumed pattern of two vampire teeth. My lips quirked, I knew there would be more. One by one, I picked up the human figures. Robert E. Lee's hair and eyes had been brushed with golden highlights to represent me. George Meade and General Sherman's eyes were painted bright red. Various other of the Confederate soldiers bore striking resemblance to members of the family, while the Union side carried battle wounds, or resembled the others of our kind. It was cleverly done; however, not enough to keep me from truly using the set. My old one was about to fall apart. I would just have to use the Queen from my other set until I could find a replacement.

Esme stepped over to examine the set. "I've never understood why more women don't play chess. The Queen is the piece that holds all the power. The King is stationary."

Emmett hooted, looking over to Carlisle. "Are you going to take that off of her?"

Carlisle's softly accented voice carried clearly throughout the room. "Emmett, if you haven't figured out that the women in this family hold all the power, you are denser than I had previously assumed."

Jacob snorted, enjoying the dig at Emmett. "Come on Emmett, we know that Rose wears the pants in your marriage."

Rose gave Jacob a little smile but, coming to the defense of her mate, she responded, "At least he keeps his clothes on, well, except for the times I want it differently." She ended with a pleased look.

Realizing it was time to continue on with the show before it became too graphic, I reached down and grabbed the next present. It was obviously Carlisle's present, as it was wrapped in the paper hospital gown. I felt a tin can through the wrapping. Curious to see what Carlisle had come up with, I tore the paper and found a customized metal container. On the outside of the can read the words, "Mood Stabilizers." On the back of the tin was a prescription - such as you would find on any pill bottle. "Take ONE in case of emergencies." It was complete with an expiration date, and 'Cullen, Carlisle' listed as the MD. Inside the tin were licorice jelly beans. I quickly slammed the lid down on the package as my stomach revolted. Oh hell…

Emmett slapped a hand over his mouth and nose and looked as if he was about to be ill. Jacob and Nessie looked puzzled. Everyone else looked like they wanted to laugh hysterically. Carlisle looked to me smiling; I mentally bared my teeth at him after calming down a little. Clearly unconcerned about my feelings or dignity, Carlisle took pity on Jacob and Nessie and began to explain.

"Jasper caught the whiff of licorice jelly beans at a mall, years ago, during one of Alice's infamous shopping trips. He bought a very large bag and brought it home. I don't know what got into Emmett, Jasper, and Edward but they decided to try to eat them. Jasper was hooked after the first one. The boys ate the whole bag and walked around gagging for days afterward."

"I couldn't get the taste out of mouth," Emmett moaned, pathetically. "I hunted until I was gorged that week, but it was like the taste couldn't be washed out. My stomach still rolls whenever I smell those things." He was looking at the gift in my hand like it was a very dangerous item.

I could relate, as my stomach still hadn't settled from the whiff I got from opening the tin. I wondered briefly, if I could convince Henry to eat the things - that would be fitting retribution. I looked up and saw Jacob's questioning glance.

"At first they tasted good. I was amazed that I could taste human food, and actually enjoy it. I have faint memories of begging my family for licorice strips when we would visit town. Needless to say, that was the last experiment I attempted," I admitted, sheepishly.

I set the tin of jelly beans as far away from me as possible. As soon as my hands were free, Alice placed a gift in my hands, which I had to assume from the look in her eyes - was from her.

"Before you open this I want you know that I love you beyond all reasonable thought. I know however that my nature is often the exact opposite of your calm, reassuring manner…"

Rose interrupted slightly murmuring, "Except for certain birthday parties…"

Alice rolled her eyes, and continued, "…and I know my exuberance can often be a trial for you. I thought that, at least for the short times we are separated, I would get you a companion that would be perfect for you. A perfect mate…"

I grew nervous about opening the present after her comments.

Tearing into the stapled over brown grocery bag, I found a Deanna Troi figure from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Alice was a minx. I loved the Start Trek series, but attempted to keep my passion a secret from Emmett, who would tease me unmercifully. I looked up to Alice with the promise of payback. She grinned evilly.

"An emotional empath … how appropriate," Rosalie said.

"Hey, they can sit around all night psychoanalyzing each other's feelings," Emmett chimed in.

"I'm curious. Why're you ignoring the one emotion you've already experienced?" Alice quoted one of Troi's scenes from an episode.

"You're feeling a certain confusion about this mission." Esme added to the chaos.

"I can only wonder why, with all the hundreds of genetically compatible women, I would fall in love with you," I threw out a line that was said to Troi in one of the episodes - but kept my eyes directed at Alice.

She didn't rise to the bait, however, like I was hoping. Instead, she took the figure and bent the legs into a sitting position putting Ms. Empath on my chair arm.

Jacob leaned over to Alice and said, "Get him back by exchanging the word Captain with Major - and say, "Major, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited."

"Umm … Jacob … you've got that one wrong," Emmett said. "That was Princess Leia to Han Solo. I'm not a Trekkie, but I know Star Wars, and that was definitely Leia and not Troi. It was in The Empire Strikes Back."

"I think you are wrong Jacob. I believe Emmett is right. But, let's ask Jasper since he knows both of them so well - Jasper?" Alice asked, trying to look innocent.

Okay, now I was really in trouble, not only would my addiction to Star Trek be exposed, but my just as overwhelming dedication to George Lucas' creation was about to be disclosed. I decided to take the fifth and remain quiet, attempting to manufacture a confused look in response to my love's question. Alice reached over and grabbed a package, throwing it down into my lap, clearly not letting me off the hook.

"Edward asked that I make sure you open his present after mine, or mine after his – whichever the case may be." She reached to the bag and tore off the Card #1 – revealing behind it Card #2. Seeing an identical brown paper bag, I knew then that the two of them were in cahoots.

I opened the card and read it. Knowing that Alice decided to get you a perfect companion for when she is away, I realized that it might possibly take two women to fill our sister's shoes. Then it hit me, you are in love with a woman who is also your sister – has that ever struck you as being odd. No wonder you have always felt so attuned to those movies. Then I knew who would be the most appropriate woman to complete your harem.

Before I even tore into the bag, I knew what I was going to find. I knew there was no hope at this point that I would get away without answering Alice's question. As I tore into the bag exposing the Leia doll, I answered, "Emmett's right … that was Princess Leia."

"See … told ya so," Emmett announced in victory, and then added, "Either way they were both pretty hot."

The men's eyes all glazed as they stared at the doll in my hand, mumbling simultaneously, "golden metal bikini."

"I would have a hard time choosing between those two Jasper, maybe you should just keep them both – you know have a Menage a Troi."

Emmett's reference to the title of one of the Next Generation episodes sent the male minds in the room to wandering. We all received smacks from the women beside us, but it was Nessie throwing the last gift at me, her and Jacob's present, that roused me out of my thoughts. The box hit me in the forehead, and I grabbed it as it started to fall to the floor. She had just a little too much of her mother in her.

Opening the box, I pulled out a souvenir hat. It looked like it had been splattered with red paint. Turning it to the front I saw it was the style of hat worn by General Custer in the Indian Raids. The fake head band read: Custer's Last Stand. Obviously the red paint was to represent blood. I actually quite liked this hat. Custer, from what I had learned from several officers in Texas, had been a jerk. He was constantly in trouble at West Point, and after various reckless but successful campaigns, went down in embarrassment at the Battle of Little Bighorn. He had earned his demise. Plopping the hat on top of my head, I grinned at Jake and Nessie and reveled in their disappointment.

"Figured you wouldn't be caught dead in a Yankee hat, Jasper?" Jacob attempted to recoup his dignity.

"But Jake, you forget - it's a dead Yankee's hat." I countered. Really, I could've care less about the War of Northern Aggression, as my fellow soldiers would have called it. I had joined the Army to find my place in the world. The reasons behind the war had been horrendous, and shameful. The war I had joined soon afterward had been even worse.

"Uncle Jasper, exactly what happened to this General Custer?" Nessie asked.

I explained to Nessie about the Battle of Little Bighorn, what had become more commonly known as Custer's Last Stand.

"Do you think Aro must have had some of the same thoughts as Custer the day the Volturi came to Forks?"

We all looked at her in total confusion.

"You know…. Where the Hell did all these Indians come from?"

The image, as well as the use of profanity from Nessie broke the dam. It took several minutes for everyone to pick themselves off the floor. Nessie had eliminated all the competition with one question. Clever Nessie had not been ready to go down without a fight.

"Young lady…" Carlisle attempted to act serious, "I better not hear that word come out of your mouth again –" he momentarily paused chuckling "- I will personally wash your mouth out with soap …. and even more important, your mother will kill us."

Jacob continued to wipe his eyes with his sleeve in an attempt to control his laughter, while his triumphant imprint jumped onto the couch beside him. I breathed a sigh of relief just a second too quickly.

"Jazz, I want to get a picture of you with your gifts, before we move on to mine."

Alice proceeded to arrange my harem, one doll to each side of me. She cocked my hat to one side, putting the remote control in my hand. The tissue box was tucked between my leg and the side of the chair, but with the "Emo in Distress" clearly visible. She cunningly arranged the videos to the other side so that Brokeback Mountain sat in front. The jelly bean canister sat between my legs, but she smart enough not to insist on opening it. The chess set was displayed on the side table just at the edge. She backed up to take the picture and then came forward again. She took the remote out of my one hand and placed it in the other, in order to position my hand perfectly for the mood ring to show.

As she was snapping the pictures, I swore that I would help Edward find the old video; as payment for helping me destroy the camera disk.