Carlisle POV
The whole family stood behind Esme, giggling as she took frame after frame of Alice and Jasper. Esme had taken the time to arrange all their gifts around them for the photographs. I knew she would find some way to utilize the prints. She had a special album set aside just for the pictures of our Valentine's Day events from over the years. She kept it hidden from me; most likely afraid I would remove several of pictures. She was right. Several of them were frankly mortifying.
I heard Alice whisper to Jasper, "Don't worry, Jazz. We'll find a way to pay them back, one way or the other."
I found Alice's statement humorous. It was hard to regard her threats as serious. Because she was victorious in this game so often, we rarely had to escape her wrath. I would have to ask Edward to keep a good watch on her for me, just in case. Although, knowing how close those two were, it was hard to know to whom he would give his allegiance.
Esme and I were next. Looking at Esme laughing with the kids, I wondered whether she would opt to go first or make me. The kids thought that Esme was too soft hearted for this game; they just didn't realize the degree of subtlety with which she played. Looking over to see Jacob laughing along with the group, I remembered the moment that Jacob's face revealed his knowledge of Esme's talent. She had never been the one to carry the brunt of the winner's choice.
When she turned around, she caught me looking at her speculatively, and responded with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. Since no one else was watching, I gave her the "bedroom" smile, as she called it. I was instantly gratified when she became flustered and had to turn away. She would probably bury me tonight, so I had to enjoy the small victories.
Alice and Rosalie began sorting our gifts in front of the chair in which I was sitting. I heard Esme walking up behind our chair and felt her tug my hair sharply as she walked around to sit back in my lap.
"That wasn't fair, Carlisle. Remember, our grandchildren are here now. It's bad enough that we live with three other couples, who are fully aware of everything. Let the babies have a few more years."
I drew her to me and began to nuzzle her at one of my favorite spots, between her ear and hairline. I spoke very softly in order to insure our privacy. "Those 'babies' have seen far too much already, and their parents are the main culprits." I continued to run small kisses and nips down her neck, using her hair to disguise my actions. "But, if I must, I'll behave until later," I sighed, huffing in both genuine and contrived impatience.
Esme hissed under her breath, but in her defense, she did attempt to do it softly. As Alice and Rose turned and smirked at us, I realized she had not been subtle enough. I grinned in good humor at my daughters.
"Okay everyone, let's get started," Alice called the group back to order.
"Esme, who's going first?" Rosalie asked. I liked how she completely ignored me, and then grinned at me in challenge.
"Children. You can raise them, but you can't make them grow up," I muttered to Esme, shaking my head in false exasperation.
"I'll go first, my dear, since it seems you need a few moments to deal with your failures as a father," Esme stage whispered, with the sincerest of smiles pasted on her face.
I heard Jacob, Emmett, and Jasper chuckling under the breath and shot them looks. Even my own grandchildren got into the action, as Renesmee mimicked the actions of pulling on a pair of pants while Henry watched in glee. I was instantly reminded of the comedian Rodney Dangerfield. "I get no respect."
Esme smiled over at Nessie and Henry, asking, "Why don't you come over and hand me my presents?"
Nessie picked up Henry from where he was playing in the hideous pink dog bed and flitted across the room. She sat down around the pile of presents, putting Henry to her side. Henry reached over and grabbed a small package. It looked to be a small book of some kind.
"That's a combined gift from Bella, Rosalie, and I," Alice indicated.
Esme smiled in affection at the two daughters present as she carefully tore the Christmas paper, revealing a small photo album. The front read: Grandma's Brag Book. I hazarded a guess at what would be on the first page.
The girls had arranged for us to go to a professional studio in Los Angeles and have family pictures made. Esme had been begging for years to get shots of us together. We had been able to accomplish this when Esme had taken a weekend trip to visit the Denali clan. She had been hurt that no one wanted to accompany her. We had all come up with excuses as to why we couldn't go. When she had begun to waver about going by herself, I enlisted Carmen, letting her in on our plans. Esme had been incapable of canceling, and thereby hurting Carmen's feelings.
The girls had insisted on two different family shots. One portrait was of us all dressed in formal attire. The boys all wore black tuxedos, and the girls were in matching floor length black dresses. The female photographer had a difficult time paying attention, and I saw Edward's lips quirk several times in reaction to her thoughts. The male attendant had fared no better.
Since I personally possessed the first picture, I was laying odds that the girls used a copy of the second shot for the photo album. Alice had found, through a costume company, black silk cloaks, lined in blood red satin. They resembled the ones worn in old vampire movies. She and I had gone together to purchase several bags of theatrical blood. I had used mine for Edward's gift, but Alice had used hers to set the stage for the second picture. Bella had found a long brown wool cleric's cloak for Jacob.
Rosalie had rented a chair from an antiques proprietor. It resembled the thrones that I knew Aro, Caius, and Marcus had in Volterra. At first I was slightly uneasy with the representation, but Rose was adamant. Alice had flitted around the studio, arranging everything to perfection. She sat me down on the chair and asked me to rest my arms on the chair sides, and steeple my hands. I was instructed to look at the camera with an authoritative look, and I was specifically told to quirk my eyebrow. I felt like the Godfather.
Henry was seated on my leg, leaning against the side arm of the chair. Alice turned his body slightly to the side, and asked that he turn his face to the camera. He held a small, detailed globe in his hands. Alice arranged the rest of her siblings around me as I sat in the chair.
Emmett knelt to my side, but slightly forward, with Rose's body draped over his bent knees. Rose's face looked toward the camera, and she was able to portray an expression of complete abandon. Emmett's mouth was latched on her white skin directly over where her heart would be. Alice had taken a dropper and placed a small line of blood dripping down from where Emmett's mouth would have theoretically pierced her skin.
Edward stood to my right side, with Bella's hair wrapped around his fist several times. It looked like he had forced her head backward as she stared straight at the ceiling in ecstasy. His lips pressed to her jugular area, with his face toward the camera. Blood dripped down Bella's throat winding its way down the deep V of her dress.
Alice had Jacob stand to my left side, holding Nessie in his arms. He was wearing a crucifix outside the simple cloak, and Nessie held a very long wooden stake in one hand and a bottle of what I would assume was meant to be holy water in the other. She instructed Jacob to glare at the camera; Nessie was directed to smile innocently.
Jasper had waited patiently to my other side while Alice arranged the picture to the girls' specifications. Our ability to stay perfectly still helped to create the scene Alice desired, but I could tell that the ambiance of the moment had finally worked through the photographers' subconscious. I could hear their heartbeats accelerate, and Emmett's slight laughter in response. Edward snickered slightly, obvious picking up Emmett's thoughts. I wasn't too sure I wanted to know what the two of them were thinking..
Finally, Alice flitted over to Jasper. She asked him to get down on one knee just in front of Jacob and Nessie. She sat on his leg placing her wrist at his mouth, asking him to place his teeth around her. She brought out the stopper and finished off the crime scene with several lines of blood traveling down her lower arm toward her elbow. She stared straight into his face, with a look of love, as he leaned over her arm.
Her "Okay, we're ready" shocked the camera crew into action. Several rounds of shots were done to insure a good one, just like the formal picture. We all heard the studio employees breath sighs of relief when we exited the building.
With our unnatural beauty, both pictures had turned out extraordinary. Jasper had teased Alice unmercifully, asking why she didn't just send Aro a copy of the staged one, so as to get the preliminaries of starting a war out of the way. She scoffed, telling him that she wasn't born yesterday; hence why the reservations had been in one of our aliases, and we had traveled all the way to Los Angeles.
In the end, the look on Esme's face as she opened the book was worth every effort we had put into it. She was horrified. Alice's giggles were heard first, but the whole family quickly joined her.
Jacob was laughing so hard that he leaned his head back on the back of the sofa and began to wipe the tears away with one hand, while he held his stomach with the other. Henry began to bounce up and down from his seated position at our feet, his baby laughter cackling throughout the room. I had the distinct pleasure of reaching over to close her mouth, as she gasped in dismay. I surmised that, if we could produce tears, she would have been crying at what she saw.
She strangled out, "Alice and Rose, I'm going to have Carlisle disown you right this minute. He can deal with Bella when she gets back. I've so longed for a family shot, and this is what you present me?"
Her body was trembling in her outrage, which, of course, sent Jasper and Emmett into deeper guffaws. My beautiful bride responded with baleful looks of retribution for the room in general. Rosalie attempted to control her laughter as she punched Emmett in the side, warning him.
Esme started flipping through the small album, and each additional picture increased her fury. The girls had taken candid shots of the family, particularly the two grandchildren, and placed them in the book. Each picture had the addition of either fangs or droplets of blood on the clothes. Catch phrases such as "I vant to suck your blood" and "Look into my eyes" had been bubbled in through out. Jacob hadn't escaped the process, either. Several of the pictures included the addition of vampire features to his countenance. I looked at him in one shot and laughed.
"Jacob, you look pretty good as a vampire. You remind me of George Hamilton with all that dark skin, eyes, and hair," I said, earning another round of laughter from the crew.
I reached over and took Bella, Rose, and Alice's product of comedic ingenuity out of Esme's hands before it met destruction. They had spent many hours putting the book together. She would be happy tonight when she received the real picture from me. Hopefully then she would be able to appreciate the brag book. Until then, however, I was going to insure its longevity.
Her hands continued to shake slightly as she reached down to receive the next gift that Nessie handed up to her. I was glad it wasn't my gift, because I knew I was going to be in deep with that one.
Nessie looked up at her and said, "You might want to use my and Jacob's gift now."
Esme tore through the brown paper bag to pull out a long wooden paddle. The words Attitude Adjuster were written in bold, black letters down the middle. A hole had been bored through the wooden handle, and a leather string strung through it to allow the item to be conveniently hung.
Esme grinned down at the gift with speculation. She looked up at Alice and Rose with a gleefully sadistic smirk on her face, and the room exploded in motion. My two daughters darted for cover, running in different directions. Esme had snatched Henry up in one arm while wielding the paddle in the other. She leapt after them; hot on Alice's trail.
Jacob and Nessie looked at me for explanation, a little dumbfounded at what they had just witnessed. I looked to each one of them before explaining, having to speak over Emmett and Jasper hysterical laughter and gasped breathing.
"Esme received something similar a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, the boys decided to have a disagreement over one of the gifts shortly afterward, and Esme took matters into her own hands. She broke the thing over Emmett's head. He swore for weeks that he was sore. I don't think that something as soft as wood could've done anything to that hard head of his, but they did listen to her more afterward. Well, at least for awhile," I amended.
"I swear to you, I really was," Emmett was able to rasp out through his laughter.
"Darn," Jacob swore, and then grumbled something slightly.
When I looked to him in question, he answered, "I was hoping you were going to say she broke it over Edward's head."
Nessie and I both had a laugh over Jacob's words. We heard the sound of contact between two hard surfaces from outside, and we heard Alice squeal, "OWW!" before hearing Esme's laughter. Minutes later, Alice came in rubbing her behind.
"Did she actually smack you with the thing?" I asked incredulously.
"No, she used her hand," Alice pouted. "She obviously grabbed Henry up so I couldn't see her plan," she spat. She sounded so disgruntled that it was hard to keep from laughing.
We all turned at the sound of Rose's voice from the top of the stairs. "Has she calmed down yet?" she whispered, peering around the frame of the door.
Then her face took on a pained look as she stumbled slightly sideways, revealing Esme's hand holding on to her ear. She dragged Rose down the stairs as Henry smiled at his mother from Esme's hip. The "Attitude Adjuster" swung from her wrist. She twisted Rose's ear slightly before pushing her back beside Emmett.
"Jacob, Nessie, thank you so much for this gift. It's very… empowering. Jacob, perhaps you would be so kind to put up a hook in the kitchen. That should be a convenient place should I need further encouragement," she murmured, in a delightfully wicked voice.
Jacob stared at my wife with a new appreciation on his face as he said, "Your wish is my command." He turned and grinned at the two disgruntled couples glaring at him from across the sitting area.
"Don't believe for a second she won't use it on you, mutt. You're as much her child now as us," Rose threatened in a delighted voice. Edward was a thousand miles away, but you didn't need a mind reader to know Rose was calculating ways in which she could get Jacob in trouble with his new mother.
As Esme reached down to Nessie, I was again praying that she didn't get my present next. My spur of the moment buy now seemed less and less like a good idea. I said a word of thanks as Nessie picked up what was obviously Emmett's gift, as it was wrapped in a Newton Outfitter's bag.
Esme untied the top of the bag and pulled out a referee shirt, and reaching in again, the matching pants and cap. He had added a C at the breast pocket of the shirt and on the cap, but what caused the group to stare in fascination was what was printed on the back. It stated simply, "Vampire." When Nessie looked up to see Esme's consternation, she took the bag out of her hands and shook it; having obviously felt more weight when she handed it over.
A smaller package fell out into the floor. She handed it back up to Esme. Tearing into the wrapping Esme found the letter "U" on a piece of black and white fabric with velcro on the back, and a sterling silver whistle. The whistle was from Tiffany and Company. I laughed internally, knowing that either Rose or Alice must have helped him to pick this out. Emmett wouldn't have stepped a foot in Tiffany's or visited their website without his sister's or wife's influence. I was as confused by the letter as anyone else.
Emmett rolled his eyes and snorted, sensing our confusion. We heard him mumble, "…and they think I'm the dense one." He stood and took the shirt and the letter out of Esme's fingers. He seemed to be pressing on the back of the shirt, and then he turned it back around to display the word "Umpire" instead. The "U" had covered the "Va" on the back.
He grinned at Esme. "Just trying to stretch your horizons, mom. Umpire, if you just want to be safe. Vampire, if you want to remind us. But I think we've gotten the picture … well at least some of us," he said, as his face stretched into a broad grin as he briefly glanced at his sister and wife.
Esme grinned, delighted at Emmett's gift. She threw the jersey around her shoulders, but not before removing the "U" again so that the shirt again indicated "Vampire."
Emmett laughed and stated, "We've been forewarned." Then, as he looked back to his wife and sister, he added, "Don't you wish she would've chosen mine first? At least you would've had better warning."
He chuckled at the sour looks on Rose and Alice's faces, when Esme placed the whistle in her mouth and blew. The sound was excruciating to everyone in the room other than Nessie, Henry, and Jacob. The room came to a stand still as everyone, including Esme, covered their ears in pain. The particular timbre of this whistle definitely hit a harmonic that we hadn't experienced before.
Jacob took in our reactions and began to laugh in delight. "You've got to be kidding me. A vampire whistle! This is great news." He jumped up almost quicker than I could follow and grabbed the whistle from where it had fallen in Esme's lap. When Alice went toward him to retrieve the torture device, he placed the whistle between his lips and grinned as he took a deep, audible breath. Alice froze in her footsteps.
"Uh, uh, uh. Don't come any closer. I sure would hate to have to use this thing –" then he cut a glance at Nessie sitting in the floor "- well, that's not really true, I would love to use it. Nessie, we need to order several of these. I'm not sure what they cost, but it will be worth it."
She shook her head in agreement, as she grinned looking to us with raise eyebrows. The little traitor … we were her family. Blood – well venom – should run thicker than young love. She continued to grin mischievously as she reached her hand out to Jacob for the whistle. We all watched it change hands, grateful for her intervention. Nessie handed it back to Esme and I expected the gift to be crushed by her fingers. I was surprised when she put it around her neck.
She looked over to me. "No Pain, No Gain. Really, what's a little pain when it'll bring such wonderful results? I imagine my furniture will become a little more sacred around here from now on."
That was fine by me as long as I was at least ten miles away from the house.
Henry picked up another package that looked like a book wrapped in newspaper. Jasper spoke softly from beside Alice. "Esme, that one's from me."
She tore through the paper and revealed "The Dracula Cookbook of Blood."
"Since you've decided to start cooking for Jake and Seth, I figured you might enjoy attempting something you could eat, too," he said. Then he began quoting from what was obviously an internet description of the book.
"The recipes are from around the world. This book relates the history of blood cooking, along with nutritional and safe cooking procedures, as well as where you can always count on buying blood. It even tells how to take out bloodstains."
Emmett interrupted, saying, "Well, that should help Bella; she still comes home a little disheveled."
Jasper ignored him, as the others snickered, and continued on in a very intentional monotonous tone, "A bundle of very obscure Vampire lore is interspersed with the recipes. One example is a Hungarian Farkaskoldus; a Vampire who, when dying, takes on the aspect of a werewolf."
Emmett smirked across the room at Jacob, "And what's the Hungarian word for a werewolf who secretly wishes he was a vampire?"
Jacob scoffed in response, "You're just trying to distract me from the fact that some vampires are actually willing to admit werewolves are cooler than they are, even if it is on their death bed."
Emmett threw a pillow at Jacob from across the room, hitting him in the head. Esme even cracked a smile at Jacob's comeback.
"A book about blood and vampire history. What more could you want, Esme?" Jasper spoke through Jacob and Emmett's bickering.
I held my hand out to Esme and she placed the book in my hand. I turned to the index, faking interest. "Blood pudding … hmmm … want me to pick you a little O positive at work, honey?"
I received a quick poke in the ribs for the comment. But she turned to me and smiled. "Only if I can make you eat some of it. Would that sully his record, do you think?" she asked turning to the group.
"No, but it would be nothing less than disgusting," Rose's mouth puckered up as if she had taken a bite out of Jacob.
"Well, just to be sure, maybe we need to just stick with a few of the ones involving bats then," I stated, as I ran my finger down the list of recipes, attempting to keep a straight face.
Esme actually giggled at my side as she peered at some of the titles and indications of folklore.
Henry patted an extremely large, very awkwardly wrapped present sitting to the right of my bag, clearly indicating his choice. Nessie went to pick it up, and then commented on its weight.
"It's from Daddy, and its heavy," she stated setting it in front of Esme.
It had angles and bumps across the whole periphery. Esme tore through the top section of paper and shrieked. Staring back at her was the ugliest ceramic gnome I had ever seen. The face, which peered out from under a cap, contained a huge nose and a profusion of wrinkles. As Esme stared at the atrocity, I heard her mumbling Edward's name along with a few obscenities. It was hideous. I couldn't imagine it sitting in Esme's pristine flower garden.
I saw all the kids smiling, and knew that they had been in on Edward's gift. Curious about the rest of the figure, I reached over and continued to rip the paper away from the present and uncovered that it had a sign between its hands. Edward had obviously painted over the original wording, and instead written "The World's Best Mother Lives Here."
Each of the kids and grandchildren had put their handprints on the edges of the sign. Each handprint was a different color; creating a kaleidoscope of hues. In each of the fingers and across the palms of the hands were words written in black script. Each of the kids had chosen expressions that had special meaning for them regarding Esme.
For instance, one of Jasper's read "Salvation." Alice choices included "Serenity." Rose had scribed "Patience" in bold flourish. "Inspiration" was written across Edward's palm. Henry's small hand held the simple, solitary word "Mine." I knew that Edward had helped him to pick out the right one, most likely during his artistic renovation of the statue.
I saw Esme trace Emmett's "Forgiveness" with her fingertip. Nessie included "Comfort" in her choices. Jacob had placed "Acceptance" in the middle of his broad hand. And looking at the last hand, I realized that Bella had decided on "Love" as her central theme.
It had been sealed to protect the handprints and the writing. It was an amazingly convoluted and cleverly crafted gift. In order for Esme to view the sign she so obviously desired, she would have to put up with the gnome. Edward had put her into a quandary.
She hissed loudly at her predicament, and I believe I heard even more curses connected with Edward's name. She traced the sign over and over with her fingers in contemplation. Then, amazingly, she turned back to the gnome in assessment. She loved the sign too much to give up on the gift. I wondered what make over she would perform on his homely face. She was stuck and we all knew it. Not one of the group dared to laugh; we all valued our existence too much.
The last present lay on the floor and it was my moment of truth. I figured she was going to kill me, but I might get lucky and she would see the humor in it. Alice grinned at me, knowing what I had bought. Jasper grinned even bigger, sensing my unease. Esme reached down to grab the bag from Nessie. It was one that the hospital gives out for patients to carry their personal items home after a hospital stay.
She looked at me and smiled sweetly. "Yours, dear?"
When she saw my uncomfortable look, she quirked her eyebrow at me in question. I responded, "Alice and Rose convinced me of it at the time, but I'm not so sure now."
Alice and Rose started making chicken sounds from across the room, and I shot them the best father glare I could produce. They, of course, burst out laughing, slouching onto their mates while everyone else looked on puzzled.
Clearly intrigued, Esme untied the string and reached inside. She pulled out a nurse Halloween costume. It came complete with a small nursing cap. But this was a costume seemingly built entirely from my Esme fantasies. The front came down into a deep cut, and a zipper continued all the way down to where the material would barely cover her bottom. A big, bold red cross was placed just above the right breast, and on the cap. Thigh high stockings, bright red high heels, and a stethoscope finished off the outfit.
Esme had forever teased me about the effect I had on the nurses at the various hospitals I had worked at over the years. She had even had Edward tell her a few of their thoughts. One particular incident ended up with me having to restrain her in regards to one particularly attentive ER nurse. I always assured Esme that she was the only woman for me. She didn't doubt it, but I had conceived the idea of this gift as a subtle challenge to her.
Looking at the shock on her face, I knew I had scored - or lost; whichever way you wanted to view it. There was no question that she was going to get me back in some way, shape or form. I had seen Esme as a human several years before she returned to me a broken woman. I knew of her attraction to me, in that her heart raced whenever I entered the room. But I would never forget the look of her face when she blushed; it was a telltale sign. Edward and I had that fascination in common. Esme would be blushing furiously right now - if she were capable. She turned her beautiful face and looked at me in astonishment as our children fell apart around us.
Emmett stared in shock before uttering, "Damn."
Then he cleared his throat and turned to Alice, the rule keeper. Although his eyes glinted merrily, his expression was thoughtful and his voice speculative. "Does the gift count if it only gets used once, and for less than three seconds?" he asked.
Jasper emitted a strangled, choking snort. I looked over to see him holding on to his sides, trying desperately to contain himself as he absorbed the powerful waves of humor ricocheting around the room. I suspected he might have fallen to the floor if Alice hadn't been there to hold on to him. He continued to gasp for breath as he slapped his knee. Rose and Alice sat basking in the glory of their recommendation. Jacob was attempting to hold it together, in obvious fear that Esme would take the Attitude Adjuster to him.
"I believe we'll all have to spend this evening out of the house. It's going to be entirely too noisy around here for decent people," Emmett said, his voice laden with sarcasm.
"I agree," Jasper added, clearly enjoying Esme's mortified expression. "It looks like Dr. Cullen is bringing his work home with him."
Rose punched Emmett in the arm, and Alice slapped her hand across Jasper's mouth. Glaring at their mates, they simultaneously jerked their heads in the general direction of Nessie and Henry.
My grandchildren surveyed the scene as if the adults around them had gone rabid. Nessie finally looked over at Henry with a knowing expression on he face. The picture of an artless, innocent child, she rolled her eyes and said, "They're talking about sex."
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All credit goes to my two totally awesome Betas:
CullenFest - for her patience with me and my anxiety about writing.
Crmcneill - for his mighty red pen, and help in mapping out strategy.
For those that sent hate mail - Alice and Jasper's gifts are now up on my profile. I apologize. I can only post a few of Esme's gifts - unless some of you have connections with the cast of Twilight and would like to get them to pose for a picture for me?!?!?!