A/N: Don't have much to say today (and that's rare, mind you), except I hope people are still liking this story and not totally droning out. Because that would suck. A LOT.

Anyhoo, enjoy this chapter. I really do think my characters have gone off the edge a bit here. Not that it's permanent. Can you imagine that? Jenny in a mental asylum? Yeahh. Thrilling story.

Jenny had woken in the van der Woodsen's apartment alone. After changing into one of Serena's old outfits, Jenny had bolted. There was a note left on the door, which she hastily tucked into the pocket of Serena's jeans.

So she sat here now, her feet dangling over the edge of the river bank. She hadn't had the guts to read the note – she'd barely been able to glance at it. Jenny was terrified, she had so little memory of the past night and day. It was sunset now, and she felt horribly alone.

Jenny didn't want to face her father or Dan, so she had come here, the most peaceful place she knew. Surrounded by thick edgings of trees, away from the city's noise, Jenny could think.

Last night was a blur. She couldn't remember what was real life and what was a nightmare, which terrified her. Jenny felt so unsafe and dirty in her body. Who knows what had happened to it last night.

She wondered what Erik was doing now. Cuddling up to his boyfriend? That seemed likely. It wasn't like he'd cared enough to stick around and see she whether she was okay – although she seriously doubted he had even been the one to save her anyway. It was probably Serena or Lily. She'd just wished it was Erik.

Jenny pulled the letter out of her pocket slowly, still unsure. Come on, you gutless wimp, she said, trying to push herself into it.

It's not like you can get hurt anymore than you are now.

You suck at pep talks.

Yeah, but I'm trying.

Whatever.

You suck at comebacks.

Well then you have to suck at comebacks!

Why?

Because I'm sort of fighting with myself here.

I think you're insane quite frankly.

And I think you're an idiot who should keep their mouth shut.

Haha! You just insulted yourself!

Jenny sighed, maybe she really was going insane. Why couldn't she just read it? How did she even know it was from Erik?

Jenny's fingers ran gently over the crisp sheet of white A4 notebook lined paper. It felt like she needed to be cautious, in case the precious little note in her hand might tear at any sudden movement.

"One, two, three!" she muttered, flipping the page open and gazing at the first line. She recognised the scrappy handwriting straight away.

To Jenny

I picked you up last night. I thought you were dead, you know. I was so scared as I dragged your lifeless body away. I will never, ever forgive myself. Wow, I never thought I'd be dramatic enough to say that, but here I am. I should have stopped you, Jenny.

So I changed your clothes (I hope you don't mind, but you looked like you might turn blue). This seems a little sad and stalkerish, but I watched you all morning.

I had to make a choice. And I did.

If I could be what you needed me to be, I would. I wish.

Jenny's breath caught in her throat. This wasn't good news - though it wasn't like she'd expected anything better.

But I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't do this.

I will never, ever be good enough for you Jenny. I hope you know that. You're this wild, dream-following, beautiful kid full of wonder and ambition. I'm just this boy with his head and his heart in two completely different places. You have no idea how impossibly hard this is for me. It would be like you thinking knowing you were a girl all your life, and then waking up one morning, and just not being one anymore.

Okay, crap analogy, but I'm not some deep poet.

I'm a right bastard, aren't I? I know.

But J, I love you. I love, love, love you. I could go on forever, but that'd be wrong. I probably should have sent you something saying I never wanted to be with you, because then we'd hopefully both have a clean break. Like breaking a bone and the edges might be rough, but at least it will heal.

Did I mention I was a terrible poet?

I'm rambling. Okay. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm going to stay in the New Hamptons for a few weeks to sort out my head. It's winter holidays, I know, and it's a shabby place to be while I could be swallowing snow flakes in New York.

Love always,

Erik.

Oh, and PF or PH or P whatever it is,

You were the first and very best person I have and ever will have sex with. Just so you know.

The paper slipped from Jenny's hand. She didn't mind that it almost fell in the lake, although she knew she'd care later. This might be the only time Erik would ever say he loved her, and it was written in writing. She had it forever.

Jenny didn't cry or scream. She didn't do anything. Her body felt the most numb it had ever felt it ages. In fact, this wasn't numb. This was ice.

This was life biting her hard on the arse.

This had to be a joke, right?

Somebody please pinch her. Would Erik just hurry out of the trees and laugh already? "Hah! Got you good, Jenny! Now let me kiss all this silly, unnecessary pain away under the sunset."

Please? Please tell her this was a joke?

She didn't even know Erik was this funny. Because this was absolutely flipping hilarious. Really, it was. It was cruel and harsh and horrible, but it was only a joke, so it was okay.

She was begging now, desperate to hear the laughter. Hah! Erik leaving Jenny? That's a good one! Right?

Right?

At least it will heal.

Erik had said that. Did he really believe it would heal? Maybe for him it would. But she didn't think it would ever heal for herself.

Jenny ran their very first night together through her head. It was stuck on replay then, over and over again. She was happier here, knowing at least she still had one night left with him.

This really wasn't a very funny joke.

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And I like breathing, thankyou very much.

I don't really know where I'm going with this so er- yeah. Peace out.