Not much had happened since that fateful day that Donkey Kong finally got his bananas back.
A little bit-but not much.
"Arrg, the monkeys will never recognize me in this brilliant new disguise" said Captain K. Rool.
"Aye, ye be right. Full steam ahead, ONK! ONK! OG!" said First Mate Krusha.
"Aye Krusha, yeh best be wearin' yer cannon" said K. Rool.
"I am," replied Krusha.
"Excellent. With these brilliant pirate disguises, as well as some good old fashioned threats-we should be able
to secure the bananas-and then of course you know what comes with that right?" said K. Rool.
"Good tastey food?" asked Krusha.
"ARRG, matey. No, what are you? Yohoho, just a bottle of DUMB? I meant taking over the-THE WORLD!" shouted K. Rool, as he steered his ship across the swamps of the filthy, dirty, decaying, and decadent Crocodile Isle.
Meanwhile, on Donkey Kong Island's secret area known as Konga Cove:
"You can't have this coconut. You can't have it! Teehee!" laughed Dixie Kong as she playfully teased Diddy.
They began swinging through the trees like Tarzan and Jane when suddenly Diddy hit a tree smack dab in the face.
Dixie looked concerned.
"Este-ce que ca va?" asked Dixie.
"Huh?" asked Diddy.
"Parle-vous français?" asked Dixie, blinking sporadically and nervously.
"I-I don't understand you, I want to-I just don't" said Diddy.
"Hello? I'm FRENCH! Remember?" said Dixie.
"Oh yeah, that's right. Look, why don't you teach me some more" said Diddy.
"Cranky burned the book. Um...I think we ought to go say hi to Donkey Kong and everyone else. They're worried about us" said Dixie.
"What do they think?" asked Diddy. Dixie looked around, to make sure no one was listening.
"See, the thing is-they think we're boyfriend and girlfriend" said Dixie.
"WHAT? That is so absurd" replied Diddy.
"I know. They see like-any interaction between guys and girls at all as being-you know-just absolutely astounding or something" replied Dixie.
"Well, lets go clear things up and set the record straight for once. We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend" said Diddy.
"I love the way you said that," replied Dixie, sighing.
"Speak french to me, baby" replied Diddy.
Funky came by.
"HELLO THERE, monkeys!" said Funky.
"You scared us!" said Diddy and Dixie in unison.
"WELCOME TO FUNKY'S FLIGHTS!" said Funky.
"More like FLUNKY's Flights. Ya never went to school!" shouted Wrinkly, angrily.
"You wanna go sky surfing with us too?" asked Funky.
"What the rooty toot fairy flute is sky surfing?" asked Wrinkly.
Dixie walked up to Wrinkly.
"It's awesome. It's like surfing but you're in the sky. Funky knows his stuff" said Dixie.
Diddy nodded.
"Some other time," said Wrinkly turning away from Diddy and Dixie in disgust as they gazed into each others eyes.
"I've been wondering how you fly with your hair?" asked Diddy.
"I took a class from Rayman's flight school" replied Dixie.
"Fly away with me Dixie" said Diddy.
"I will. I will fly away with you Diddy," said Dixie.
So Diddy and Dixie got in a flying barrel and went to Cranky's place.
"You missed your math homework!" shouted Wrinkly from a nearby tree house.
"No we didn't" replied Diddy and Dixie in unison.
"Okay, well there's some commotion at Cranky's House. Something's terribly wrong" said Wrinkly.
"What?" asked Diddy.
"We don't know. Could it be-K. ROOL?" asked Wrinkly in a manner similar to SNL's Church Lady.
Later...
"Dixie Kong is alive and well!" shouted Diddy, as he entered Donkey Kong's house, where everyone was there attending a reunion except for Donkey.
"We weren't exactly worried about her," replied Cranky.
"Diddy's fine, honest. He's feeling better than he ever has in his whole life" replied Dixie.
"Well, you two I'm afraid I received a ransom note from K. Rool" said Cranky.
"Ohhhh, that's terrible," said Dixie. "Here's some nice warm hot coconut juice for you Diddy," said Dixie Kong with two large glasses of milk on a tray.
"No woman ever delivers cups of coconut juice on a tray in such a manner without it meaning the symbolic union-of boyfriend and girlfriend" said Cranky.
Diddy and Dixie looked at each other and just laughed.
"Hey, we are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend. And what does sharing coconut juice have to do with anything?" asked Diddy.
"We-well-we hugged. Once," confessed Dixie.
"That didn't mean anything, and you know it" said Diddy, who seemed sincerely dismissive of Dixie.
Dixie looked down at the floor. Her feelings were hurt.
"Never mind any of this mumbo jumbo, I don't really care. I just think you two ought to seal the deal before anything
else happens, like sharing banana milkshakes or eating coconuts together" said Cranky.
"That-that will NEVER happen!" said Diddy, turning his back on Dixie, who almost looked like she had tears developing in her eyes.
"Now then, me and Candy received a ransom note from K. Rool" said Cranky.
"CANDY's here?" asked Diddy.
"Well-err, yes. Anyhoo, we received this note," said Cranky.
"I'm here too!" said Wrinkly peering out from behind a corner.
The note read:
Arrr, avast ye mateys.
The big monkey is currently trapped in a barrel on my ship.
He'd have to do a heck of a barrel roll to escape.
You'll never get him back.
Unless you give me all the bananas!
BWAHAHAHAAHA
DEATH AND EVIL TO ALL KONGKIND.
Signed -Captain K. Rool
"We're going to have to give K. Rool the bananas. I never thought I'd see the day" said Cranky.
"No, we can't give him the bananas," protested Dixie.
"Why not?" asked Diddy. Dixie whispered in Diddy's ear.
"I ate them all. Please don't tell Donkey Kong he'll murder me" said Dixie.
"AH, whispering sweet nothings in his ear are ye?" asked Cranky.
"WHAT? I told him I ate all the bananas I mean...oh...holy...no way! I goofed!" said Dixie.
"Aye, Ditzy Kong, we'll just have to go back to the drawing board. Diddy, your conquests are your business.
I know I seemed like I was against your relationship but you two are going to have to get along and work together to stop K. Rool and save the big man" said Cranky.
"We're not in a relationship!" shouted both Diddy and Dixie in unison.
"YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!" shouted Cranky, sending Diddy and Dixie blasting off to
K Rool's island in a magical barrel.
"Now to dust off my collection of Fanfiction Heroes Figurines," muttered Cranky.
"We're here! We're here at your door!" said the fanfiction heroes.
"What? The figurines came to life?" asked Cranky.
"No, we just thought we'd drop in," said the fanfiction heroes in unison, as well as the historical fanfiction heroes.
These included the likes of Kenny from South Park, Roger the Alien, and the Ghost of Annie Oakely.
Meanwhile:
Diddy and Dixie landed aboard Gangplank Galleon. I ain't explaining what the heck that is cuz you should know if you're even reading this.
Basically, the two monkeys landed on a pirate ship that looked like the one from Treasure Island, but instead of Long John Silvers?
Alligators and crocodiles and monkeys.
So yeah, Diddy and Dixie landed on a ship.
"Aw, shucks, well, ship happens" said Dixie, blowing some bubble gum.
"I can recall a computer game that involved monkeys and pirates" said Diddy.
"Yeah well-this is not good" said Dixie.
"This-is less than ideal. Let's hide so the Kremlings don't see us," said Diddy, jumping into a cargo box of fruits.
"Are there any bananas?" asked Dixie.
"There's grapefruit, oranges, apples. Good stuff, no bananas" said Diddy.
"GOT ONE!" said Dixie.
"We're quite likely to be fired out of a cannon. Just a hunch," said Diddy.
"Nah, no way, nuh-uh NO HOW. We are too young and full of mud to do that" said Dixie.
"Excuse me Dixie-mud?" asked Diddy.
Just then Diddy and Dixie were lifted up out of the fruit crate and into a cannon by two Kremlings.
"What did I tell you?" asked Diddy.
"Yeah, yeah, I know" replied Dixie as the two monkeys were fired out of a cannon and landing on an unusually
green surface.
"GET OFF OF ME!" shouted a snake.
"Here, have a banana" said Diddy, feeding the snake.
"HEY I LIKE THAT!" said the snake as he bounced into the air, sending Diddy and Dixie flying towards a bird wearing a pirate hat.
"Wow, look at that thing" said Diddy.
"It's-it's-beautiful," said Dixie, hugging the bird. The bird flipped it to Dixie by flipping her off of his wing.
"It? That's Captain Necky to you" said Captain Necky.
"Wanna play Backgammon?" asked Diddy.
"NO!" shouted Captain Necky, throwing an egg towards Diddy. Diddy was smashed by the egg, covered in yoke, but Dixie
came to his aid, slowly helping him get back up.
"Hey, he's with me! That wasn't nice, I had to clean up a lot of yoke off of him" said Dixie.
"More where that came from," said Necky.
"You took the words right out of my mouth" replied Dixie.
Dixie caught the eggs in her ponytail and flung them back
towards Necky.
"Again, more where that came from. SQUAWK!" said Necky.
Necky caught some of the eggs, other times getting klonked in the head. Eventually, that was it.
"Enough is enough, you guys scram, hop on my back and I'll drop you off at the lava pit already! Go to hell, literally!" said Necky.
"NO! We're leaving-on an egg plane!" said Dixie, as she and Diddy boarded an egg that was fired out of a cannon by a random Kremling.
Necky followed in pursuit, attempting to defeat the two spider monkeys with her giant beak.
But the egg was as fast as a cruise missile.
"Chew on this for a while," said Dixie, sending a gumball towards Necky's eyes. Necky attempted to catch up to Diddy and Dixie,
and almost did.
"YOU TWO CAN GO TO HELL" Necky shouted, as he fell down into a lava pit.
"Looks like he went to hell!" said Diddy.
"Yeah, but we're on our way there too I'm afraid, Necky was right, and Cranky was right all along" said Diddy.
"Nah, that isn't Hell" said Dixie. "It's too shiny. Hell isn't shiny. There is literally no shine in Hell" she added.
Diddy and Dixie woke up in a magnificent cavern full of lava and crystals.
There was Necky, drowning in lava.
"We should pull him out," said Diddy.
"Oh no...Necky...come...back" said Dixie, slowly and sarcastically.
"Oh well," said Diddy.
"Yep, oh well," replied Dixie.
They hopped on a balloon, floating past all the lava. After defeating some vicious alligators, they eventually found themselves in a gigantic cave hollowed out in limestone
covered in the most shining shimmering opalescent beautiful crystals the world had ever seen.
They eventually realized something-they were in an underground karaoke bar for Kremlings and other unsavory crocodiles and gators.
Diddy and Dixie walked through a long narrow road of hungry alligators who looked at them longingly with hunger.
"You just hold tight now, ya'll" said Dixie, pointing her fingers at the Kremlings.
"Yeah, you just wait" said Diddy. He and Dixie took center stage. They grabbed their individual microphones.
Dixie and Diddy began swinging their bodies back and forth and singing to the beat of Mining Melencholy:
Lyrics:
Caaaash. Yeah, caaash. I-I want cash, yeah.
Cold hard cash! Cold hard cash! cold hard cash!
Yes cash-is all we really want. Yes cash-is all we want.
Lots-and lots of cash. Cash...is all we need.
Oh baby, all we need is CASH!
Dixie whispers in Diddy's ear: Cold hard cash!
CASH!
Oh baby all we need is cash,
oh baby all we need is...
lots and lots of cash...
yes lots-and lots of CASH!
What we all need now is cash cash.
Yes-CASH!
Hey Diddy, all you need is cash!
Yer right Dixie, all I need is CASH!
DAH DAH DUH DOOH DAH DUH! BOOM! BAM!
"What did you think?" asked Dixie, as she began playing electric guitar.
"WE LOVED IT!" said the Kremlings in unison.
"Really?" asked Diddy.
"Yes. Except the part where you demanded money" said the Kremlings.
"Oh, that was just a joke" said Dixie.
"Yeah, we have cash to burn!" said Diddy.
"Cold hard cash! Oh baby all we need is CASH!" sang Dixie.
"Hey stop!" said Diddy.
"Sorry," replied Dixie. The Kremlings got angry, snarled, and chased Diddy and Dixie out of the mines.
"What gave you the idea to sing about cash?" asked Dixie.
"The background music" replied Diddy.
Later...
A gigantic sword came out of the lava.
"My name is Exor. State your purpose! I took over a giant turtle king's castle so I mean business" said Exor.
"You don't mean squat!" said Diddy, as he threw a barrel at Exor. Exor went flying off to the moon or some crap.
Then Diddy and Dixie jumped in a blast barrel and went flying until they landed in a swamp.
"This looks like-a swamp by any other name" said Diddy.
"Bleh! BLEHHHH!" said Dixie, after spitting out her gum into the swamp and clearing her throat.
"What now?" asked Diddy.
"Is there a plug anywhere that you can like pull up and drain the swa-" Dixie was interrupted by Kackle,
a giant ghost, and Klump, another Kremling.
"WE RUN THINGS AROUND HERE, NO CORNY OUTDATED JOKES, GOT IT? We like our swamps, we'll never drain them! AND THERE IS NO PLUG. Except for our new root beer product" said Kackle.
"It's fifty percent off on our Etsy shop. Get Klump and Kackle Root Beer! It'll make you laugh so hard you'll fly to Mars, that I can tell you" said Klump.
"Or ye might die and become a ghost like me" said Kackle.
"If you're dead how are you here?" asked Klump.
"Allow me to explain. One dark night in the middle of the day, two dead boys went out to play. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot the two dead boys!" said Kackle.
"You're a great guy, Kackle" said Klump.
"RUN!" shouted Dixie.
Diddy and Dixie ran all the way to the edge of the swamp. They thought they were safe until they reached the stomach of a gigantic muscular Kremling and
were sent down to the ground.
Meanwhile:
"I would have helped Dixie drain the swamp," said Klump.
"Uhh-what? HAHAHA. If you say so" replied Kackle.
"No, it's true," said Klump earnestly.
Meanwhile:
"Don't ye have better things to do? ARRG!" said Klubba.
"Shabam kalazam!" said Diddy, pretending to do a magic trick.
"I'm gonna change, don't look" said Dixie, walking behind a tree.
"Now what? I'm about to be killed" said Diddy.
"Come help me get into a barrel" said Dixie. Diddy did as he was told.
Dixie then slowly came dancing out of a barrel, dressed up like a mystical genie, much to the
shock of Klubba, who became enchanted with her dancing to the song "Witchy Woman".
She came twirling and dancing up to Klubba. She then tossed Diddy a note that read:
Do it now, lover boy.
"I wish I was with Dixie, hurrah-hurrah" sang Diddy, as he tossed an explosive barrel at Klubba from behind.
Klubba went flying into the abyss of the swamp.
"Diddy, that was so bad of you" said Dixie.
"Anything for you" replied Diddy.
"Aww," said Dixie, as she embraced Diddy, kissing him on the cheek.
"That was more than a banana milkshake" said Diddy.
"And now-let's wrap this level up with a guitar solo" said Dixie, pulling out her electric guitar.
"That was good, you been taking lessons from Nancy Wilson or what?" said Diddy.
But suddenly, the air became foggy. A ghost came down and lifted Diddy and Dixie, depositing them
in a roller coaster. He then cackled.
Later...
"Wow, where are we?" asked Dixie, looking all around.
"You can get rid of the genie costume you got at Veronica's Truth Serum" said Diddy.
"Nah, I'm keeping it" replied Dixie.
"Well, I think this button starts it" said Diddy, pushing a button.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Dixie as the coaster went full speed ahead down the rails.
"We're flying now Dixie!" said Diddy.
"Hold my hand!" said Dixie.
Diddy and Dixie held hands as their entire lives flashed before them. Eventually they landed inside of a giant beehive.
"Wow, that fall made me dizzy" said Dixie.
"What is all this stuff? Is it evil?" asked Diddy.
"No, it's-it's good!" said Dixie, taking a bite and slurp out of the honey.
"Oh yeah, this is that stuff that bananas produce when you put them in the microwave" suggested Diddy.
Dixie took one long look at Diddy, and turned her head side to side in disbelief at his silly words.
"Alas, tssk, poor naive one" said Dixie.
"This stuff comes from our butts!" said a bee who flew by.
"Huh?" asked Diddy.
All the bees laughed.
Then Diddy and Dixie suddenly had an Epiphone. The universe was big. The universe was alive.
Everything was more real than ever before.
They began meditating.
They saw a rhino.
This rhino was named Rambi.
It came out of the spirit world and darted up towards Diddy and Dixie and then flung them out of the
beehive with his horn. Diddy and Dixie landed in yet another swamp near another beehive. This time a giant fat Kremling was resting
near the edge. Directly underneath him was yet another beehive-this time with a gigantic killer bee.
"I'll deal with this," said Diddy, doubling up his fists.
"Nah nah no, I got this one" said Dixie. She walked up to the Kremling, and whispered in his ears.
"You want all that honey?" asked Dixie.
"Uhhh-yeah" said the Kremling.
"Yeah big guy you want that honey, here let me help you, you need a back rub" said Dixie.
"That's great! Feels awesome" said the Kremling, not realizing he was being pushed over the edge.
"Yep. Bet it feels even better now" said Dixie.
"NOT REALLY! AAAAAAAAAAAAH KILLER BEE!" shouted the Kremling running away, but not before getting stung several times.
Diddy and Dixie jumped into a blast barrel.
They entered one blast barrel after another, while a symphony of stickerbrushes was being performed
by some very talented brambles with musical instruments.
"No one can see us in these things. Cranky will never know" said Dixie.
"Never know what?" asked Diddy.
"That we did a barrel roll" replied Dixie.
They entered another blast barrel.
"Wanna hear a joke?" asked Dixie.
"Yeah," replied Diddy.
"Barrels used to have licorice in them in the eighteen hundreds" said Dixie.
Later...
The final blast barrel blasted Diddy and Dixie up towards a tower.
There they saw Donkey Kong. Cranky was standing underneath, attempting to save him.
"I'm gonna be the hero if it's the last thing I do" said Cranky, attempting to send a shuriken blade towards the ropes to set Donkey free.
"That-might not be a good idea" said Dixie.
"Yeah, we're not too sure on that" said Diddy.
"It's a big world you might get lost in this world of lostness it's a lost world" said Dixie.
"You don't want to end up on Survivor: Crocodile Isle" said Diddy.
"I saw you two. I saw you two eating jellybeans down in the swamps. It's not right that you two get to have all the fun" said Cranky.
"CRANKY LOOK OUT! That's not Donkey Kong! It's a stuffed toy!" shouted Diddy.
"WHAT? HELP MEE!" shouted Cranky as he was lifted into a helicopter.
Diddy and Dixie each grabbed hold of him, but fell. Luckily they landed in the clutches of a psychotic purple cat who flung them back onto the
helicopter with his nine tails. The ghost of Necky chased them but hit a tree while shouting "YOU LET ME BIRD TO DEATH, I MEAN BURRRRN"
The ghost of Necky then landed back in his original charred bird body, and he came back to life, sort of. We'll get back to Necky later.
THE FINAL BATTLE, ALREADY? IN THE REAL STORY THIS IS HOW WE ROLL YALL:
"ARRRG! Ye scurvy spider monkeys be crawlin' yer way into my top secret helicopter. But I be the bad guy, the devil be with me and you'll never win!" said K. Rool,
as he pulled out his rifle.
"Woah, he's gonna shoot us" said Dixie.
"NAH. SHOOT YAH? ARR. That's too simple. Not elaborate or well thought out. Ye be out of yer mind. This ain't me gun. It's a vacuum cleaner" said K. Rool
"What?" asked Diddy.
"Aye, I named it Kirby. Sometimes I just call it Kirbo. Anyway, here goes nothing" said K. Rool, attempting to
get the monkeys into the vacuum cleaner with its power.
"This sucks, literally!" said Dixie.
"Vacuum cleaners? What next?" said Diddy, as the machine pulled him in. "Yeah, I know Dixie. I always knew this would happen. But not on our first date" he added.
"Oh brother. If you buy me a vacuum when we get married, we're through. RUN!" shouted Dixie. The monkeys found if they ran fast enough they could occasionally outrun the vacuum cleaners sheer force.
Later...
Eventually, it was towards the end of the battle. Dixie was vacuumed up and then shot out towards the other end of the room.
She got dizzy and happy.
"DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN K. ROOL! I just might forget about Diddy altogether and run off with you" said Dixie.
"Ra-ra-really?" asked K. Rool.
"Yes-really" replied Dixie. So K. Rool vacuumed up Dixie.
"Where to?" asked K. Rool.
"Right up to where you keep the axe, you bad boy. I want to see that axe fall right where Donkey Kong is" said Dixie.
"Yeah, me too. That stupid ape" said K. Rool. Sure enough, however, after Dixie activated the switch that dropped the axe,
it did no harm to Donkey Kong. It went accordingly to Dixie's plan setting Donkey Kong free.
Donkey Kong then delivered the final mighty blow to K. Rool with a hearty punch.
"WAY TO GO DIDDY!" said Dixie, covering Diddy's cheeks in kisses. Donkey Kong looked confused, as did Diddy.
"I don't feel like I did anything" said Diddy.
"Yeah, that's-that's-um-cuz you didn't" said Dixie.
Later that day...
"Well, you rescued my good for nothing grandson Donkey Kong. You proved yourself video game heroes, AND fanfiction heroes.
But keep in mind being a fanfiction hero isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's basically being a villain but you get a slightly larger following.
Just kidding. We have some extremely fine people, revered in fact-who are fanfiction heroes. Come-follow me" said Cranky.
Cranky showed Diddy, Dixie, and Donkey Kong three pedestals. Atop each one was a different fanfiction character created by TheCrazyPerson44.
"Here's Roger the Alien," said Cranky, pointing to Roger, who was chugging down beers.
"Yeah, you two are boyfriend and girlfriend and you haven't even gotten drunk yet?" said Roger.
"No," replied Dixie.
"That's good-never ever do alcohol" said Roger.
"There's the ghost of Annie Oakley!" said Diddy.
"Reckon with some modifications I could use a rifle like K. Rool's. I'd have shot you two without any problems, what a stupid
crocodile he was. Have fun, ya'll! Oh, and nice job, Dixie. I'd like to take you out to Buffallo Bills sometime and teach you a few things" said Annie.
"Last but not least there's Kenny from South Park. He almost couldn't make it cuz he got killed five times on the way over here" said Cranky.
"Whew! Well we've done it! Let's celebrate, my place! Rented a cabin from Kackle. Let's go!" said Diddy.
"I agree" said Dixie. She and Diddy walked off the set.
"Hey, wait. Where are you two going? My goodness, I have to see this. I don't believe it, I won't have it!" said Cranky, running off to
buy some binoculars.
That night, in a log cabin near K. Rool's swamp:
"There they are. Together in that cabin. I need to see this for myself!" said Cranky.
Diddy could be seen slowly closing the door and locking it, whilst seemingly flipping Cranky off.
The door had a sign that read "Room 34-the rule applies to the number as well-keep out"
Cranky took a look inside the house with binoculars.
He couldn't believe his eyes. The sheer depravity!
Dixie and Diddy were having a tea party-while listening to classic rock? And then-banana milkshakes.
THE END
Extended Scene:
K. Rool is pulling Necky out of the lava,
We can't show you cuz you don't have the computer program Java,
To his surprise he isn't dead,
but looks a little red.
He puts him in a robot suit, to help Darth Necky stay alive,
Then he ran home to bed,
to plan for DKC3 4 and 5.
Yes, that's why I didn't include the haunted house levels.