Author's Notes: Pyro – sadly I can't take credit for those names, my boss is a riot. I've been waiting for some way to use them :-p

GlAssbOy – heh, yeah, it's interesting that my funny explanation from chapter one (Shinji strangled Asuka because she wouldn't go out with him) is probably pretty close to the truth.

A. Nonymous – Yes. The ding ;-) hah, to tell you the truth I'd forgotten completely about those old Mr. Koolaid man comics, hehe

Chapter 5 -- Pactio!

Shinji awoke to a familiar ceiling. This is getting vaguely annoying, he thought with a sigh as he stared up at the blank curving wall of the entry plug.

Obligatory Hallucination/Flashback

"Quickly Captain, he's waking up!" Gendo pushed Misato along, who was struggling to carry all three Children. Ritsuko looked up from her clipboard.

"Why do we go through this every time?" she asked offhandedly.

"Because the boy hates to pilot!" Gendo huffed. "If I hadn't been there when he popped out, I'd swear he wasn't my biological child..."

End Obligatory

Shinji shook his head slightly, clearing it of the muzziness and cobwebs.

"...because I'm the pilot, that's why!" Rei's exasperated voice drew him back to reality. She was arguing with an ethereal Naoko, who was apparently the soul of Unit-00.

"I don't care if you're God herself," Naoko snapped. "Until my fool of a daughter binds me properly, I'm going to make your piloting experience a living hell!"

"...guuuuh!" Rei pounded the pistol-grip controls in frustration. "The nerve of that woman!" she griped in frustration. Then she jumped slightly, noticing for the first time that Shinji was awake. "...sorry about that," she said, schooling her features into a more Rei-like neutral expression.

"...oh, no. ...umm, that's okay," he mumbled, wondering at this new facet of Rei. His gaze slid over to Asuka, and his hands twitched automatically, but she was already stirring and mumbling sleepily, so it was too late to make any kind of attempt on her life.

"Pilot Ikari," Rei began, and he turned at her formal use of his name. "...er, would you mind piloting? After all, I drove your Eva, so it's only fair to return the favor." Shinji paused momentarily, but his spinelessness overcame his clone-fear (spinelessness is a powerful force, as odd as that sounds).

"..o-okay."

Rei climbed from the pilot's chair in relief, nodding her thanks as they passed by in the enclosed tube to trade places. Sorry about this, Pilot Ikari, but I don't think I could've taken another round of 'ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.' The woman sang it off-key, and emphasized the words improperly, and on top of that she sometimes skipped numbers. It was enough to drive the intensely logical Rei into an insane gibbering wreck. The only good thing she had gotten from the infuriating woman was a more believable 'Drunken Monkey' imitation (all she had to do to bring her self to a twitching wreck was think about that damned song).

"Launch'im! Launchim-launchim-launchim!!" Misato's voice shrilled through the plug, and the Eva was propelled to the surface.

"What th'heck are we doing in here anyway?" Shinji heard Asuka ask Rei as he settled himself into the seat. "What about Shinji's Eva?"

"Unit-01 is in traction," was Rei's response.

"Why?"

"Misato."

"Ah."

No more explanation was required.

Shinji's vision cleared, and he wondered what battling in Rei's Eva would be like. Especially against the tentacle-rape monster he knew Shamshel to be. And the fact that Touji and Kensuke were probably out there. He gingerly caressed the pistol-grip controls, and jumped slightly when Naoko's blushing form appeared before him.

"...oh, how forward," she murmured, and he jerked his hands away from the controls in embarrassment. "Hey, don't stop now, big boy," she purred, climbing onto his lap as he struggled desperately to slide out of the seat. It may be interesting to note that Naoko was not really there. She was merely holographing her image into the entry-plug, and adjusting the density and pressure of portions of the LCL to simulate her presence.

"...what the heck?!" Asuka's face shifted between shock and disgust.

"How odd," Rei said thoughtfully, as her Eva's soul proceeded to molest the boy.

"Um, excuse me..." Shamshel tapped Unit-00 on the shoulder. "I'm sorry to bother you, but you've given my brother a complex," the Angel gestured over its shoulder to where Sachiel was huddled peeking around a building. "All he does now is go on and on about his legs, and..."

"What?!" Naoko looked over her shoulder at the Angel. "...listen, Tentacles,"

"Shamshel."

"...Shammy," Naoko continued dismissively. "I don't know what you're talking about, but," the woman took a moment to place a firm hand on Shinji's shoulder, pushing him back down into the seat.

"...madam, could you atleast pay attention? My brother had always been the twitchy type, and I'm just trying..."

"Listen, dipwad! I don't care about your name or your problems. This here," she indicated Shinji's struggling form, "is the first hunk of manflesh I've had since I got shoved into this contraption, and..."

"Madam, you're being entirely unreasonable!" Shamshel exclaimed, his tentacles writhing crazily. Naoko caught one of them in Unit-00's fist, eliciting a surprised yelp from the creature.

"Wave these things around in my face one more time," she intoned, "...and I'll put them where the sun don't shine!"

"Is that a threat??" Shamshel roared. With a nasty sounding rip and a quick shove, Naoko gave him his answer. There was a stunned moment of silence, and then a bunch of screaming and running in circles.

"Brother??" Sachiel stepped around the building, shock on his 'face.' Naoko drew her prog knife, running her finger up and down its slowly humming surface. Sachiel paled and drew back slightly.

"...boo!" the woman stamped the Eva's foot down and made a sudden gesture towards the Angel.

The poor creature almost jumped out of its skin and promptly fled the area screaming "my-legs-my-legs-my-legs!"

"Now, boy, where were we?"

Before things got too far along, Shinji remembered that he controlled the resets, and he sent everyone back to the beginning of the battle.

The two Angels (who were in the resets by their very nature) took one look at the menacing orange robot and took off screaming, running into each other, the buildings around them, and whatever else was in their path as they escaped. Touji and Kensuke (who were filming the scene on a small hillock, and who were not in the resets) were quite disappointed. Or atleast Kensuke was disappointed, since from his perspective, the Eva and Angels had approached one another, and then the Angels had fled screaming.

"That was astonishingly dull," the boy muttered, looking through his viewfinder at the Angel's retreating forms.

"D-d-d-dull?" Touji stuttered. "They almost ran right over us just now!"

"Shinji must have a very boring job," the otaku muttered. "All he does is walk out and scare away the Angels when they come near."

Shinji, in fact, would not have agreed with Kensuke. At the moment, the boy was huddled in the rear of Unit-00's entry plug, shivering slightly.

"I do not suppose," Rei wondered, "that you would be willing to pilot again?"

"...n-n-n-n-n-"

She turned back around in the plug-seat with a sad little sigh. "Ninety-nine-bottles-of-beer it is, then."

Atleast it was a short walk back to the entry point.

A nice little family was in the process of moving out of the apartment next to Misato's.

"Mother, why do we have to leave?" the child wailed.

"Hush, honey, it must be fate that we have to move. I'm sure we'll be able to find a better place elsewhere."

And in fact it was Fate that they had to move. Mana had strummed a jaunty tune on her guiter and gotten the family evicted so she could move in beside Shinji. Oddly enough, Rei had been forced to move into Shinji's apartment complex as well. On their way out of the city, Sachiel and Shamshel had stumbled into her apartment, and when a multi-story giant stumbles into your apartment, it's quite a bit different than when a drunken family member stumbles into your apartment. Okay, maybe not that different, but you get the point. Asuka, too, moved into the same apartment complex ("If the First is moving in, I'm sure as hell not leaving you two alone together!"). In any case, the four were making their way back to the apartment complex when Rei remembered.

"Oh! By the way, Shinji, I want my artifact..."

It took the boy a moment to remember what she was talking about, and in that time Kamo had drawn the magic circle on the ground.

"Good, now..." Rei found herself rudely shoved into a tree.

"First I want to try for a different artifact myself!" Mana exclaimed, tearing up her 'guitar pick' card.

"...dammit!" Kamo screamed, holding his paws before his face in frustration.

Mana snatched the boy before he could argue, and lip-locked him.

Meanwhile, Misato, who had been vibrating around the house doing various chores, came to a stop. A couple of hairs in her bangs twanged upwards. Shin-chan? She bounced out onto the deck and looked over the edge in time to see Mana pull away from Shinji and scrutinize the Tarot card that had just appeared. Misato's face broke into a wide grin, her tongue sticking out from the side slightly, as she saw the card 'poof' into a guitar clip.

"Ah!" Mana exclaimed, as Misato bungee-jumped down to the ground, cutting the cord just as her feet touched. "This could be useful..."

"Alright," Rei huffed, "You got your card. Now, Shinji, your lips are mi-"

Misato hit Shinji like a human torpedo. "SHIN-CHAN-MMMMMMMMM...!" Their lips connected as they both slid along the ground digging a furrow for several hundred feet. "...soft-lips-soft-lips-soft-lips..." she murmured as she sat on the stunned boy's chest and looked at her card from several angles. Her eyes lit up dangerously as she finally recognized what the picture on the card represented, and she leapt off Shinji's chest shaking the card furiously. "C'mon-cmon-gimme-gimme-gimme!" her arm blurred almost into invisibility as she shook the card back and forth.

Shinji had just picked himself up off the ground when the card 'poofed' into a yellow Lamborghini Diablo, and Misato was suddenly wearing a hot skimpy blue number that would've made Kaji faint. "...hehehehehehehe!" the raven-haired woman vibrated around the car several times, patting it lovingly, and then she pulled Shinji's head to her chest. "Thanks-Shin-chan-you're-the-greatest!"

"...mmm-welcome?" he mumbled, his eyes crossing as he inadvertently looked down her cleavage.

"Such-a-naughty-boy!" Misato shrieked, blushing furiously. "Let's-go-for-a-ride!" And so saying, she chucked the boy into the car, jumped in after him, and the Lambo patched out, tires and engine (and Shinji) screaming. The three girls ran up just in time to see the yellow super-car vanish into the distance.

"...my...lips..." Rei's expression was quite sad, her arm reaching out towards Shinji's retreating form.

Several seconds later there was a horrible sounding crash, followed by several smaller bangs and clatters. Misato's distant yell was quite audible. "...hahahahaha! It regenerates! Awesome!" followed by more smashing and several nasty crunching sounds.

"Mein Gott, what have we done?" Asuka murmured.

Author's Notes: Incidentally, if you're wondering about the 'regenerating' car, Misato is referring to how the artifacts work. If they are broken (Nodoka's book being turned to stone in the manga, for instance) they can be restored by returning them to card form and then calling them out again.