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::// { Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen }
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\: Chapter III :: The Eccentric Houses Pt 1:/
::xoxox::
"82 bottles of beer (in a heeled boot) on the wall, 82 bottles of beer!!" most of the dwarves sang merrily, riding their mining cart back home. Rikei annoying-happily suggested that they should've sung about vodka instead, but Johnny knew better. Though Johnny was sneezing half the sentence, he made a point that winter would chase after them like a shaggy Euro-trash rapist.
It should probably be mentioned that over half of the dwarves were drunk.
The blonde two-spot, Link, did not participate in the vocal mingling, but merely grumbled about how unprofessional the singing was.
Baka-Bak (sober, apparently--he claims he's too cool for booze) led the mining group since nobody else really bothered.
However, Fou (drunk as a fucking skunk) made all the decisions and had veto-ing power--since Bak was pretty much her bitch. She ruled him with... well... her sleeve.
"Hey, Grumpy-pants!! How much di' we scav'nge today mate?!" Rikei asked extremely happily, drunk like a sober Scottishman.
"It's Link. I've asked you politely multiple times not to denounce my name, but it seems like the alchohol must have killed the rest of your brain cells," Link (still can't drink for shit) replied bitterly.
"Kimchiii?" Shifu (sleepily drunk, but sober enough to Shi-Kung-Fu a Korean cuisine in his sleep) flambouyantly offered Fou.
"Hell yes!" Fou beamed, snatching the plate of spicy cabbage.
Bak eyed the last portion of the dish. "Hey wait!! I want some of that daaaanngerous looking stuff too, Dopey!"
"It's 'DOPE' Fou, mo-roonn~ Git with tha times, sista! What's up witchu, man? Jus' fo that yo, you ain't gettin' nuthin!" she replied in a sassy tone, thinking she was fashionably black.
"...Did you just call me sista?" BakaBak asked in bewilderment. He shuddered.
Link, however, had already beaten Bak to the kimchi with his PHD in Handling Chopsticks, whipping out his chopsticks gracefully from his hair like the nerdja he is.
"PBBBBFFTBBT!!!" Johnny sneezed. "Oh gods, whhyy am I still a virgiiinnn?! I'm so pathetic... But the more I think about it, I want to cry. And the more I cry about it, I get a runnier nose. And now my nose buurrns! May I turn into a Moai..."
"...Waaaaayyy too much information," Bak warned sheepishly.
"Ohhh, Snee-zephyr! How about I introduce you to a hot gal?! Her name is Mahoja!!" Fou proposed mischieviously.
"R-Really? You'd do that for me?" Jhonny cried in unaware happiness. "Her name sounds like some sort of coffee bean... It's beautiful!!"
"SHIFU!! Stop frolicking around and put some clothes on!!!" the grumpy Link roared.
"B-But my rear feels so free in the wind!" Shifu whimpered.
"And you have SCARRED our leader Bak Chan into a catonic state with the sight of you naked in a loincloth!! So I forbid you--with my authority!!" Link commanded, holding up a badge. Meanwhile, Bak was frothing at the mouth.
"What's up, Doc?!" Fou mocked, kicking their "leader" in the gut.
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm busy having a seizure," Bak replied.
"Uwaaa!! T-There's a boy lying in the road!" Lo yelled. "S-Stop the cart!"
"Ehh? Just run him over!" Fou suggested carelessly, waving her hand dismissively.
"Quit joking around, do you expect me to cover all of us for murder?!" Link lectured.
"H-He's so peculiar... But so pretty..." Lo said shyly. "I hope he's alright."
"What freakish haaiiir~!" Fou proclaimed drunkenly. "Re-remindds me of the radish I eight earlier~ Mm... I could go for seconds..."
"That was my radish-man figurine you ate, betch," Jhonny cried bitterly.
"Aiya! That's no freak! It's a bishounen!" Doctor Bak announced. "And if anything, Doper, you're the freaky looking one. You look like the bottom of my aquarium with the clam outfit and what-not."
"Hey, why do you like... Always like ta contra-contradict meee? Just because I'm a man!" Fou questioned, feelings genuinely (and drunkenly) hurt.
"You're not a man," Bak stated bluntly.
"OH! You bastard*!" Fou cried flambouyantly in a how-could-you-say-such-a-thing tone.
Then after much bitching and debate, the dwarves did their best to heave the boy onto the cart, and then brought him home.
"But... Technically, isn't Fou sexless? She's our guardian diety, and... (AH-CHOO! Sniff...) Like, I'm pretty sure she's part wall," Jhonny explained.
"Well, that explains why she's so flat," said Bak indifferently.
Fou elbowed him rather violently in the face upon being provoked. Paiiinnn. The other dwarves laughed at the hilarious scene. And then they all drove home towards the sunset, with joy-filled singing...
"LINK, he come to town! He come to save... Shiek the freak!!**" all most of the dwarves sang epically. Allen however, conveniently stayed asleep.
"H-Hey... Uhm," Lo bashfully mumbled. "Isn't this... Technically kidnapping?"
"Ah, Finder's Keepers~! Loser's... Can deal with it!" Bak replied.
"MEN, PLEASE have some decency and be quiet (Read: SHUT THE BLEEPING UP)," Link said eerily. "Or else I'll make sure all of you exept Lo and Rikei will be having culm and roadkill porridge for all three meals the rest of the week."
Everyone stopped talking.
That is... Only for about... (Click!) 6.58 seconds.
"Seee?! Even the ruler-stuck-in-the-butt guy acknowledges my manhood!" Fou yelled.
"OH MYSELF! You know what? I think I've figured out what this is all about. For the last fucking time, I'm not fucking GAY! And either fucking way, I fucking still wouldn't fucking go out with you!!" Bak roared. Fou was about to snap back, when...
"Could I have the culm porridge without the "L" in the middle?" Shifu asked thoughtfully, innocence seemingly plastered over his face.
"You're sick," Bak stated, face disgusted at the terrible pun.
"Don't change the subject here...!" Fou sobbed angrily, "You are SO gay! Wikipeddiiaa even said sooo~!"
The cart immiediately halted to a stop. Link growled darkly, "Wikipediiiaaaa. Is. Invaliiiddd!"
"B-But!"
"Your argument is invalid!!" Link demanded, slamming his fist on the nearest surface--that being Jhonny's head. Who retaliated--no, more like sulked by playing Invader Tetris.
"Invalid?! The source was cited, mofo!" mo-Fou argued, slamming her own fist on Bak's head. Bak spouted random profanities and flailed violenty, but Fou easily kept him under control by keeping him under her foot as if he were a pathetic magikarp. Pointing at him, she continued, "Not to mention he hid covert photography of Komui under his covert pictures of Lenalee!!"
And so Link was defeated.
Allen's ears twitched slightly. It wouldn't be unlikely at all for him to later recall that blackmailable information. Even though he was still, supposedly, deeply asleep, and shouldn't have possibly been able to hear a single word...
"Tha-That's not true! I love Lenalee!!" Bak insisted.
"Yeah, because she looks like her brother Komui!!" Fou cried.
"NOO! I swear, we only had a one-night thing!!" Bak confessed, violently shaking his head.
"Wait--WHAAATT?" many of the dwarves yelled. Bak quickly covered his mouth, horrified at what he had just mistakenly blurted out. Allen adjusted himself--ears perked and unconciously paying attention.
"And Doc-san... Didn't you tell me that often when you dream about Lenalee, Komui or Fou usually ends up appear--" Lo Fwa said meekly before Bak covered her mouth, face red and breaking into a rash.
"NOOO! Don't say it, Bashful!!"
Fou was much too stunned to hear anything Lo Fwa had said. Too shocked about her suspicions about Bak's sexuality being confirmed, her gaydar finally broke... Fou clawed harshly into the cart's wooden walls, fingers and tears nearly corroding everything they touched. As if Russia was behind the wall to be imprisoned in a cage known as marriage.
"Don't be sad, Fou! I'll introduce you to this nice guy, Tapp--" Jhonny offered "kindly" between evil snickers--but the thing was... Fou already knew who this "Tapp" was (no matter how sweet he may be, Tapp's unattractiveness is kind of hard to miss). So she violently punched him in the face with the back of her fist. Sorry Jhonny, but you fail.
Fou transformed into a horrifyingly accurate version of Komui--in a white Hard-Gay outfit (with a beret no less) and a syringe. She rocked her hips flambouyantly. "OH DARLING BAK CHAN-CHAN~! I have a surprise for you!" the imposter cooed. "Don't worry--I won't hurt you! ...Much."
Bak was so terrified he back dashed right to the very furthest part of the cart. His rash started to get in an even worse condition than before (which should have been impossible).
"You're gonna get raaaaped," warned several of the dwarves.
So whilst the chaos continued on in that large but cramped cart, (where Fou was still trying to jump the poor blonde), their lovely little cottage came into sight.
"OMG YAAAYY, we're home, we're hoomme!" Shifu shouted with glee, randomly flailing his shoelaces. "I call the intranets!"
"No, you nitwit! I still have to check my stoocckks! All you ever do is go on Bookface and 4kun anyways!"*** Link argued.
"But didn't you know? The internet is for gay porn!"
"Gah!" Link face-palmed.
xx:OMAKE1:xx
Introducing...
The SHAMNOAH!
The newest development in shammie technology... (You getting this extreme awesomeness, camera guy?!) It's made in Japan, because seriously, everyone knows those Elevens—er, Japanese could tear those Germans up in seconds.
So like... It doesn't absorb attacks, it doesn't take calls, and it doesn't suck up really anything at all!
IT'S SO EXTREME, IN FACT... IT'LL ABSORB YOUR DOG!!!
/Lulubell in cat form.
xx:OMAKE2:xx
Coming soon to theatres far away from yoouuu!
Author's Note: So. Like. I owe you all a big apology for my procrastination regarding this fic. :D But you don't get one. Because I don't regret using that time to play the Ace Attorney game series. :3 So there.
The next part is well on its way. :D It's... somewhat done?
Oh, by the way. Regarding the newest chapters of DGM. I wrote a bunch of stuff in my journal. :3
Pay a visit to my DeviantArt account: Baniita. www[dot]baniita[dot]deviantart[dot]com.
It's all truthful ranting! D
** Shiek as opposed to Zelda - Shiek, however you spell his name, is from the Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time, I think.
SPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILER: Shiek is Princess Zelda in disguise. 8D And holy craaaap, she walks faster in heels then Link can walk. D: That's kind of sad. XD /end spoiler.
Meanwhile, "Link, He Come to Town" is a song.
***Bookface = Facebook. 4kun = 4chan, which is internet fecal matter.
**** I'm so sorry. So sorry for traumatizing you. (I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing.) This is based on a comedic line from Jeff Dunham. He's a pretty bad ventriloquist, but so damn funny. Achmed, Walter, and Peanut are my favourite puppets of his~
+ Elevens: Code Geass reference.