A/N: Feedback is adored... The second part will be up soon

Derek's stormy rampage into the locker room after his surgery had sent the few interns scuttling off in different directions, not wanting to get caught up in whatever it was that had Derek in such an awful mood. He debated swinging his fist and one of the lockers to vent his frustration but thought better of it, knowing the chief would kill him for doing that to his "2-million dollar a year hand."

Instead, he sank slowly onto the bench and buried his face in his hands. If he had been sad, tears would have slipped through his fingers. If he had been angry, his hands would have muffled screams.

But Derek couldn't really pinpoint what he was. He was both angry and sad. He was confused. He was stuck in a dark room with no way of finding a light. He was scared. Even more, he was tired.

He was tired of hating his wife. He was tired of trying to forgive her. He was tired of giving up Meredith. He was tired of being friends with Meredith. Hell, at this point he was even tired of his job.

He wanted a simpler time. He wanted a time before he'd gone to Med School and complicated his life. He wanted a time when he and Addison had been happy newlyweds in New York. He wanted the simplicity of his relationship with Meredith. He wanted to love the Addison who had traveled across the country to try to make their marriage work.

But none of that was happening. He was living in a trailer with his wife, whom he didn't even like most of the time. His wife was carrying his baby. And he was seriously questioning his ability as a doctor, being that all three of his patients had died on the table.

"What kind of a man can't even smile when his wife tells him she's pregnant?" Derek wondered aloud to the empty room.

A selfish man. A cruel man. A pig. All of those answers seemed pretty adequate as far as Derek was concerned. And as hard as he tried to reason it, Derek was the man who couldn't even fake a smile when his wife announced they were having a baby. And he hated himself for it.

At one time, a baby wouldn't have been a question. They'd talked about children but always postponed trying to conceive. They worked insane hours and were never quite ready to sacrifice their career for a little person. It was kind of a mutual agreement that a baby would come later, at an undetermined time, but if it happened by accident they would be happy.

And as time went on, they just continued to push off having a baby. Their careers were on the fast track. They grew apart, and having a baby was pushed by the wayside.

But here he was. Almost 9 months away from being a father, and he still wasn't sure he was in love with his wife. How could he bring a baby into a marriage that was still on such shaky ground? How could he and Addison band together and care for a child when most of the time they couldn't even be in the same room?

He desperately wished he could shut off his brain. He needed a break from the thoughts that seemed to be haunting him constantly. He needed to take some time and just not think. But that was easier said than done.

With a sigh, Derek stood slowly and shed his lab coat before hanging it in his locker. He wasn't particularly in the mood to change into the clothes he had worn to work, so he remained in his scrubs and shoved his clothes into a duffel bag. After slipping his wallet and keys into the bag, he slung it over his shoulder and left the locker room.

For a moment he was tempted to make his way to the on-call room and stay there for the night. Not having to deal with Addison, not having to face the mess he had made, sounded really nice, but it also was laced with cowardice.

Derek Shepherd was not a coward. No matter how confused he became at anything else; he was not a coward. He'd been acting like a coward for some time now, always running away from Addison and not facing the truth. Addison wasn't something he could just wipe away from his life and just forget, even before she dropped the bombshell on him.

But that wouldn't stop him from taking his precious time to get home. He wasn't in a hurry. He kept his eyes focused on the floor as he waited for the elevator; he didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Because, even if they weren't aware how horrible he was being toward his wife, they certainly knew his track record for the day.

A few people stepped off of the elevator when it stopped at Derek's floor before he stepped on and selected the lobby. The doors weren't even shut when he slumped against the wall, his eyes still focused on the floor.

"You okay?" Meredith broke the silence.

He glanced up, not having realized he wasn't the only one on the elevator. With a sigh, he answered almost gruffly, "It's not the time, Meredith."

"This is just a friend asking about a friend," Meredith wasn't deterred, "Addison seemed awfully distant, quiet even, after you brought her the patient's labs. Is everything alright?"

Derek shook his head, "It's still not the time, Meredith. I can't do this right now."

With that, he stepped from the elevator into the lobby, leaving the intern behind. He couldn't stand there and talk to Meredith about his wife when he couldn't even stand to talk to his wife. There was a rain drizzling outside, but Derek didn't mind.

The rain was refreshing, rejuvenating. He hoped it would cleanse his mind and help him to see the answer to his dilemma more clearly. But it didn't seem to be helping at all. It was just managing to make his scrubs cling to his body and his hair into stringy masses. But Derek kind of liked the grungy, soaked feeling from the rain. It matched his inside turmoil.

After standing alone just outside the Seattle Grace exit for several minutes, Derek knew he had to move. But he didn't know where to go. His eyes drifted from where his Range Rover was parked several rows down in the parking lot to the Emerald City Bar across the street where Joe was certainly waiting with a full bottle of scotch.

And, just then, Derek Shepherd wasn't sure where he should go.