A/N: This is part 2 to Chapter 3. Read and Review as always!
If Derek was in bad shape and hurting from the events as of late, Addison was in even worse shape. She'd spent the afternoon performing two emergency surgeries, and though they both turned out successful, they had exhausted her. The cool cloth on her head was doing nothing to curb her nausea or headache. And, adding insult to injury, the image of Derek's shocked face after she announced that she was pregnant seemed to be permanently engrained on the inside of her eyelids.
The worst part of it all was that she didn't even know what to do. Was she supposed to cry and run into Derek's arms for comfort? Was she supposed to yell at him and threaten a divorce? For that matter, was she supposed to sign the papers and build a new life for herself and the baby? And on an even tougher and less desirable track, was she supposed to not even have the baby?
She shook her head; that wasn't an option. She would never do that. But the other options were not nearly so unreasonable. They all provided a solution for her dilemma, yet each came with downfalls that she couldn't handle.
She couldn't run crying to him; she wouldn't forgive him that easily. She couldn't threaten divorce; if she did, he might actually agree to it. She couldn't leave; she wasn't strong enough to just build a life without him, without a fight.
As far as Addison could see, there was no solution. Nothing she could do would make their marriage work. Nothing she could do would erase the pain in their recent past. And nothing she could do would magically create an environment she would bring a baby into with a clean conscience.
Addison didn't have a chance to dwell on what needed to happen because Doc decided to pounce onto the bed, and atop of her, at that very moment. She groaned as she choked back a wave of nausea and her hand traveled to her forehead.
"God, Doc, get off," She used her feet to move the dog onto the bed and off of her.
The dog lowered his ears and made a low whining noise to show he didn't appreciate Addison's rejection. Addison gave a small smile and snaked her hand out to scratch the top of Doc's head.
"What do ya want? Or are you just looking for some company?" Doc gave Addison's hand an appreciative lick. "Yeah, me too."
She slid the washcloth from her forehead and slowly moved to a sitting position. Her head pounded and her stomach churned, but Addison stood and patted her hip for Doc to follow. The dog raised his head and seemed to debate following his master for several moments before slowly getting to his feet and following Addison.
"Go on out," Addison held the trailer door open for Doc to go outside, "I'm not really in the mood for you, Doc."
If she hadn't been feeling physically ill, Addison would have felt guilty about letting her attitude about Derek affect Doc. But as the animal slowly made his way outside, Addison didn't even feel a tinge of guilt.
She pulled the trailer door shut and walked back to the bed, no longer able to remain detached from her earlier musings. As she began changing into her pajamas, Addison resumed thinking.
Maybe it wasn't supposed to come down to what she should do or could do. It might have been more important to consider what she wanted. And Addison knew exactly what she wanted.
She wanted Derek to take her in his arms like he had when they were first together. She wanted Derek to love her the way he had before he had become "indifferent." She wanted never to have made the idiotic mistake of trying to find Derek in his best friend instead of forcing her husband to see her. She wanted Meredith Grey to never have had a relationship with her husband. She wanted to have a baby with the funny and intelligent Derek Shepherd that looked at her as if she were the only person in the world, who would never have called Addison Satan and actually meant it.
There was only one problem. Nothing Addison wanted was even remotely possible. So, once again, she found herself at an impasse. There truly was nothing to be done.
When Derek had come home, nearly a week before, and announced that he was finally acknowledging his role in Addison's infidelity, Addison had honestly believed there was some hope. She knew that it wouldn't be like some magic switch would be flipped and Derek would suddenly become the man she had married. That would take time. But she had expected to at least see some change in his actions. There had been nothing; he was still indifferent and absent.
It was hard not to consider the painful possibility that Derek had honestly stopped caring. The way he sought Meredith Grey out to be friends, the way he didn't watch her when she would undress in line of sight and the way he ignored her completely when she tried to spark intelligent conversation were all clues Addison should have taken months before that Derek wasn't interested. Even if it was that apparent, Addison couldn't just believe that he had given up until he actually said the words.
But it was still entirely too painful to put forth effort into their marriage when Derek was completely unreceptive to her actions. His indifference cut like a knife through her whenever she thought about it, and Addison wasn't sure she could handle anymore of it.
That was when Addison realized that Derek had never known what it was like to live with an absent spouse. He had never known what it was like to live with a person who couldn't have cared less whether you were there or not. Maybe treating Derek with a little indifference would show him just how painful it was. Or maybe it would drive him even further away.
Despite the negative repercussions, indifference was the only tactic Addison hadn't attempted in repairing her marriage. She sighed as she lay her head back onto the pillow and tried to muster the courage it would take to ignore her husband.
Maybe she couldn't do it. She had never been one to back down, to concede, and displaying indifference would force her to do just that. Indifference was something Addison Shepherd had never managed. But she also knew facing Derek when he returned to the trailer, if he returned to the trailer, would be far too painful to face.
Addison closed her eyes, knowing that even if she would never be able to manage true indifference, she wouldn't have to face Derek before she was ready. It would be easier just to be asleep.