A/N: Feedback loved, required and desired...
Addison entered the empty on-call room and slowly lowered herself onto one of the beds. She was finding it rather difficult to combat morning sickness that was afflicting her, and her surgeries managed only to heighten it. And it seemed as if wherever she turned, she was face to face with Meredith Grey. Though she hadn't seen Derek since she had told him she was pregnant the day before, seeing the intern forced Addison to remember the shabby state of her marriage.
So an empty on-call room seemed like a well-deserved escape after a successful surgery. She allowed her eyes to drift closed, and she couldn't stop herself from imagining what would make this moment absolutely perfect. She would, of course, be laying on her stomach with her scrub top scrunched high up her back. Derek would be straddling the backs of her legs as his strong surgeon's hands worked their magic on her aching back.
A sigh escaped Addison's lips at just the thought of it. Exchanged back rubs in on-call rooms were rituals from more than a dozen years previously when they were both interns. Not only were they the perfect way to release tension, they were certainly something Addison attributed to developing her relationship with Derek. There was a certain closeness the back rubs provided that was unlike anything else. But, Addison realized, she couldn't even remember the last time she and Derek had comforted each other in that manner. It would have certainly been years; that much she knew.
Her stomach lurched, and she debated running to the bathroom. The feeling passed after only a moment, and Addison inhaled a deep breath and relaxed on the pillow.
At this moment, the door to the on-call room opened. Addison shifted her eyes to the opening door, hoping the person entering wasn't either her husband or an intern. She had no patience to put up with either.
Her fears were calmed when she realized the figure gracing the doorway was just Miranda Bailey, a slightly cross yet concerned expression gracing her face. Addison gave Bailey a nod of recognition but did not move.
Bailey stepped inside the room, shutting the door behind her. She leaned slightly against the wall opposite to Addison and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes were taking in the other woman as if judging her.
"You know, Miranda, you scare me just a bit," Addison commented with a grin, "That judgmental stare makes me rather glad I'm not your intern."
Bailey took a moment to size Addison up and retorted, "You never would have survived as my intern. I would have eaten you for lunch."
Addison rolled her eyes, "Don't mention eating. The thought of food is revolting."
"Eating will curb the sickness," Bailey told her simply, "You're an OB. You should know that."
"I'm in a career that doesn't really provide a lot of time for eating every two hours," Addison countered, "Besides, it's been suggested that the nausea during pregnancy is a sign of a healthy level of hormones. It may also be responsible for releasing toxins, thus increasing the health of the child."
"Oh don't spout technical jargon at me," Bailey scoffed, "You think you're too good to be a miserable pregnant woman because you know why you're sick?"
Addison sighed, "Do you have a way to stop it?"
"I swore by Ginger Ale. Tucker bought it in bulk for me."
Addison gave an appreciative smile, but she couldn't help thinking that she didn't have a husband who would make it his goal to keep her satisfied.
As if reading Addison's mind, Bailey spoke, "The offer is still open to kick his ass. I've been looking for an excuse to rip the McDreamy off his face since he arrived."
"I told you, Miranda, I don't want you spending time worrying about Derek," Addison told her softly, "It's too much work to make him care. And it doesn't even make a difference."
"You really believe that?"
Addison pushed herself to a sitting position and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, "I have to. There's nothing else I can do."
Bailey wished there were something she could say, something she could do, to relieve Addison's tension. But, there was nothing to do at the moment and they both had patients to attend to. She reached for the door and said to Addison, over her shoulder, "If you're already defeated then he's already won."
Bailey was out of the door before Addison could respond.
It always amazed Derek that he could sense Addison's presence before he even knew she was in a room. He could tell what she was thinking before she would even say a word. He was so in tune to her, that just one angry glance from her could send him cowering in fear.
After the betrayal, Derek feared that connection had been lost. He doubted it had ever existed. He worried that it had just been a figment of his imagination, something he had created to make his marriage seem perfect. And even when he had chosen Addison and allowed her back into his life, he had been at a loss to know what she was thinking.
But last night, he had come into the trailer and known. He had known something was wrong. Something just wasn't right. Addison was asleep, she didn't say anything, but a fear had washed over him and he knew.
He sighed, wishing he could figure out exactly what it was that he had known so clearly. Of course he knew that she was upset. Of course he knew that she was probably going to kill him. Those were givens. But there had been something more, something that had truly unsettled him.
As he stepped off the elevator, Derek's eyes drifted toward he nurse's station where his wife was leaning against the counter talking to Izzie Stevens. She was not showing any of the emotions he knew she should have been feeling. Nothing Derek could see gave away what he had felt last night.
The confident smile on her face would never have suggested to someone that Addison was secretly feeling pain. In fact, Addison's entire demeanor seemed to indicate the direct opposite. She appeared unaffected by anything that was happening.
He wished he could pinpoint what he had felt the night before. He wanted to know what was going on with his wife. He needed an answer. And he knew what to do.
Slowly, nonchalantly, Derek started down the long expanse of hallway between himself and Addison. He hadn't made it very far when Addison patted the intern on the arm and turned away in the direction of the locker room. Derek was not deterred, in fact, he was rather glad she had slipped away to a more private venue. He hoped this would allow him to talk to her. Maybe at least force something out of one of them, something that would make this whole situation easier.
He leaned against the swinging door to the locker room and stepped inside. He gave a cursory glance around to make sure they were alone before walking down the aisle of lockers to where Addison's locker was.
Without even realizing what he was doing, Derek leaned against the lockers that ran parallel to Addison's. His eyes trailed her body as he watched her slip her blouse from her shoulders before shimmying out of her skirt. Derek closed his eyes and inhaled. If things hadn't been so confused between the two of them, his hands, and lips, would have been all over her.
Addison turned to prop her foot on the bench so she could remove her garters and gave a small jump of shock at seeing Derek there. But other than the initial shock, Addison gave no reaction to his presence and simply went about grabbing a pair of scrubs to change into.
Derek was slightly miffed at her lack of reaction, and he softly spoke, "Um, hi?"
"Hi," Addison deftly tied the scrub bottoms before slipping the top over her head.
If he hadn't just been granted a view of her familiar body and hadn't been able to see her flaming hair, Derek would have questioned whether the woman standing in front of him was actually his wife. Her lack of response to him was odd. But it most definitely was his wife.
"I, um, missed you this morning," Derek fumbled with his words.
"I got paged," Addison shut her locker door.
"And the, uh, thing?" Derek tried to wonder about the baby, but his whole idea of how this conversation would go had been turned on its head. He was just plain confused.
Addison gave a noncommittal shrug and, scrub cap in hand, turned to walk from the locker room.
Derek stared after Addison's retreating figure. He wasn't sure that he could believe the exchange that had just happened between them. Addison had shrugged him off, and it wasn't even as if she were irritated, which he would have expected. Her actions just seemed as if she didn't care. Like she didn't care that her husband was trying to talk to her, like she didn't care that he had been watching her change, like she didn't care that he had been a complete asshole the day previously.
And he just didn't get it. Addison, at least as of late, seemed to be always trying to instigate conversation with him. And if she wasn't trying that, she was apologizing or trying to instigate their old games from New York, most of which would have ended in both of them wearing nothing.
But, this, this was unexpected. Did Addison really not care? Had he pushed her so far away that she had honestly stopped caring? Was this baby the last straw, the one that would break the proverbial camel's back?
Derek sighed. He honestly didn't know. Was the thing he had felt last night this indifference? It was so uncharacteristic of Addison he couldn't bring himself to believe it was actually happening. He was certain there was more. Or at least he thought he was, did he even really know her, still?
He still didn't feel as if he knew anything lately. He didn't know why he still yearned to be with Meredith, a woman he had never truly been able to love. He didn't know why he had been indifferent to Addison, the woman who had made his life complete. He didn't know why he couldn't hate Addison after she had betrayed him. He didn't know why he couldn't let go of the past. And he certainly still didn't know why he couldn't just take her in his arms and celebrate that they had created a life.
Derek Shepherd hated not knowing. He needed to be in charge. He needed to know that his life, his choices were his. They didn't belong to anyone else. And with this new Addison, it was a continual state of confusing. He never knew. It was just question after question.
He didn't have time to figure out his life, right now. He had surgeries. He had paperwork. He had errands. He had things to do.
He would worry about his wife later.