A/N: Slowly but surely I'm working on this...
Derek's head was pounding; he couldn't pinpoint the last time he had slept for more than six consecutive hours. His neck and back were painfully stiff; he had spent the entire morning in a grueling eight-hour surgery. His shin was stinging; he had managed to whack it on his way back into the trailer after walking Doc. But the pain of all those ailments was feeling pretty trivial to Derek.
The worst pains were the ones without physical cause. His arms absolutely ached to hold Addison. His lips were suffering from the withdrawal of not having sought Addison's in weeks. His ego was bruised from the realization that Addison didn't have any desire to admire him during surgery. His heart was being torn apart by the complete disaster that was his life. And he was pretty sure his brain would absolutely explode if he was faced with even one more problem to worry about.
He sighed, stretching his arms high above his head in an attempt to alleviate some of his tension in his back and neck, and he couldn't help but wish that alleviating his emotional pain could be solved by something as simple as stretching.
Though he wasn't particularly hungry, food seemed to have only minimal appeal lately; Derek knew that eating would provide just enough sustenance for him to survive the day. After paying for his sandwich, Derek turned in pursuit of an empty table, hoping he would find something of a private solace. But the cafeteria was mostly full, and he open table for him to sit. Sandwich in hand, Derek made his way to the extra seating outside.
Richard Webber was sitting alone at a table across the way. Derek started toward his mentor, looking forward to sitting next to someone who wouldn't cause him agony just by his presence. But, Derek realized with a small surge of disappointment, the Chief wasn't necessarily safe territory in this situation.
Richard adored Addison. From her first day as a nervous intern, Richard had pegged Addison as a bright and caring woman with more potential than ten of her colleagues combined. The relationship between the two had blossomed, and Addison quickly became like a daughter to the Webbers, even after they had one of their own.
The Chief was Derek's mentor, too. He had taught Derek how to have the composure of a great surgeon. He had watched closely as Derek had developed a career as the best neurosurgeon in the country. He had comforted Derek when his family was too overbearing. But the relationship between Derek and Richard could not compete with the one between Richard and Addison.
If Webber knew how Derek had been treating Addison, the repercussions could be fierce. Derek knew that he deserved it but also figured there were certain advantages to avoiding it for as long as possible. Then again, Derek was drowning in a sea of indecision and confusion, and he knew the Chief would certainly have helpful insight.
He was in between a rock and a hard place. Joining the Chief would certainly open him up for a brutal beating, but not joining him would force Derek to wallow in his pain indefinitely.
"How long are you going to stand there without speaking, Shep?" Richard wondered without turning around.
Derek was shocked by the Chief's omnipotence, and he took a few steps forward, "Fine. Can I join?"
Richard motioned to the open seat across from him and nodded.
"How did you know I was standing back there?" Derek wondered, trying to gauge the Chief's temperament.
Richard raised an eyebrow, "I know all, Shep."
The way his mentor punctuated the words caused a knot to form in Derek's stomach. Richard knew. Not that it really shocked Derek, but the Chief's admission was venomous. It wasn't nearly as terrifying as the moments when he wondered if he had truly lost Addison, but it was close. Damn close.
He raised his gaze from his sandwich but still avoided Richard's eyes, "It's not that simple. I'm really-"
Webber silenced Derek with a motion of his hand, "No. You aren't going to talk. I'm going to talk, and you are going to listen. This is my prerogative as your mentor."
"But if you understood-," Derek tried again, but was silenced by the same hand gesture.
"I understand, and you need to hear this," Richard's voice was even, and he paused to collect his thoughts before continuing.
"23 years ago I fell in lust, maybe it was love, I don't know, with a woman," Richard took a moment for Derek to take in the information before continuing, "I was married and so was she. We were both interns and bonded over the shared experience. As far as I was concerned, Adele just didn't understand what it was like.
"It was so much easier to find someone who knew what it was like to work shifts that last for days and then be called back into work within minutes of laying down in bed. In our rare spare time, we dreamed. We dreamed of having a real relationship. We dreamed of leaving our spouses. We dreamed of being two of the greatest surgeons and working side by side. We dreamed of a life together.
"Then it came time to choose. She was going to leave her husband, and I was going to leave Adele. We had it all planned. We were going to be a family. We were going to have everything we ever dreamed of. I came home, to Adele, one night after my shift with plans to tell her I was leaving, and I faltered," Richard paused here, trying to steady his voice as the emotions of the time came running back to him.
Derek no longer felt the need to interrupt. He didn't feel the need to explain himself. His eyes were focused directly on the Chief's face. Without even knowing how the story would end, Derek was able to draw the parallels. He knew his mentor's pain all too well.
Richard inhaled deeply and continued, "I'm a world renowned surgeon. I'm decisive. I don't second-guess myself. And when I was standing there in front of Adele, I faltered. Waves of doubt and indecision crashed over me. Suddenly, I couldn't see why I was planning on leaving this woman. She was spunky, beautiful and had made a pledge to love and cherish me forever. She would stand by my side till the end of time and never question it.
"Obviously, I didn't leave Adele. Instead, I took her in my arms and tried to make up for every transgression I had ever made. She didn't know, and she still doesn't. But I chose my wife, who held my past and my memories over the woman who shared my dreams."
Derek finally had to speak, "What happened?"
Richard nodded and answered, "The other woman took her five-year-old daughter and left her husband. She never forgave me. She also became one of the best surgeons in the country and would never marry or love again. Her work became her life and her love.
"I was completely broken. I may have chosen Adele, but I still wanted the woman. I wanted our playful intelligent relationship. I wanted someone who knew what it was like. But I couldn't give up my wife. I drowned my sorrows in bourbon. Adele stood by my side during drunken nights and terrible hangovers. She never questioned me; she had faith in our relationship. She nursed me back to health, and I became as normal as I could be. It wasn't long after that we moved to New York, away from the city that held my darkest secrets. I pocketed them away. My AA sponsor and, now, you are the only people I have ever told."
"Do I already know why you chose to tell me this?" Derek wondered softly.
"I chose my wife, Derek. I know how hard it is. I know how easy it is to go off with the woman who shares your dreams and ignore the one who holds your past. I know how hard it is to make a decision, but I also know I handled it poorly. I abandoned Adele, and I wounded a woman whose only mistake was caring for me. I was a mess of indecision and pain," Richard answered, "I don't want history to repeat itself."
Derek sighed. "Did you make the right choice?"
"I love my wife, Derek," the Chief shrugged, "That's all I know."
"Are you telling me to find Addison and never let her go? To chose her?" Derek wondered, a hint of desperation creeping into his voice.
"I'm telling you to make a choice. I'm telling you to take that woman in your arms and never look back. You choose whom you are going to love and love her. Love her like she is the only one you have ever loved. Don't wallow. Don't be indecisive. Make a choice," Richard advised softly.
"But she hurt me," Derek whined softly, his tone leaving no question as to which she he was referring to.
"No, Derek. You don't get to do that. You choose the woman, and you don't get to make excuses," Richard answered, "You don't get to blame Addison for your choice. You don't get to blame Meredith. You don't get to hurt two of the women I love the most."
In his mind's eye Derek could see the women in question. He could see Addison with her fiery red hair and pale skin. He could see her witty personality and intelligence. He could suddenly hear her whispering her vows on their wedding day, sobbing as he left her in bed with his best friend, yelling about how much she hated his trailer and snapping at him about not watching her work. He could feel her arms wrapped around him. He could taste her lips and skin.
With a sudden realization, Derek looked back up to the Chief, "Do you regret choosing her?"
"She's my wife, Shep," Richard answered and then wondered, "Do you know what you're going to do."
Derek smiled bitter sweetly, "She's my wife, Chief."