A/N: I have a soft spot for this chapter. Derek Shepherd trying to be a good guy... not a common thing...
Derek sighed, leaning heavily on the railing of the catwalk not really watching the city that was displayed in front of him. And Derek chose—he chose Addison. And, yet, even after the epiphany that his wife was his choice; Derek was as confused as ever.
According to the Chief, he was supposed to love Addison. He was supposed to make up all his transgressions against her. He was supposed to make her the only woman in his life. Not only that, but Derek also had to sever all his ties with Meredith. He was supposed to let her go, as a friend and a lover. He was supposed to say goodbye.
All of that seemed like a huge undertaking to Derek. He didn't know how to prove to Addison that he loved her and only her. He didn't know how to begin overcoming the mountain of issues they had to face. He didn't know how to show that he was ready to be a father or if he was even really ready to be one. And, though Meredith would never be his choice, Derek knew saying goodbye to her wouldn't be easy.
Derek glanced down at his watch, he had been standing in the same spot for a little over an hour, and he was no closer to a solution. He pushed away from the railing and began walking in the direction of the surgical nurse's station. Lately, Derek was never closer to knowing how to solve his problems, but fixing the broken pieces of his life wouldn't happen without finding Addison.
She wasn't anywhere he could easily see when he made it to the nurse's station, so he turned and looked to the board. According to it, A. Shepherd was performing a C-section in OR 2 rather soon. As he contemplated what to do while waiting for her to finish the operation, Derek could suddenly hear Addison from the night before.
"And when was the last time you bothered to watch me work?"
Derek sighed. The answer to that question had escaped him the night before and was still evading him now because he didn't even know when he had last observed Addison in surgery. He remembered watching, in awe and admiration, her perform countless C-sections, hysterectomies and other surgeries over the years. Slowly, Derek had stopped feeling the need to watch his wife, and he couldn't pinpoint the last time he had.
It wasn't even a question; Derek needed to watch Addison's surgery.
And that was how he found himself sitting on the first row of the empty gallery above OR 2 watching as Addison made the opening incision. Her hand was steady and practiced, proving what Derek already knew. That Addison truly was the best in her field. He continued watching, transfixed, as she slowly directed the scalpel through the layers in textbook maneuvers.
Derek couldn't help but feel a small surge of pride while watching Addison. She was his wife, and she was talented. No one could deliver a baby, care for a grieving mother, perform speedy C-sections or any number of other duties as well as Addison.
Watching her perform surgery was a hidden pleasure. It was something he could go for months without doing and never miss it, but once he found himself in the gallery above her, he was home. Derek absolutely loved it. It was a time when he felt truly connected to Addison without the baggage of their issues. He could only equate it to how he felt when he looked up from his own surgery and locked eyes with Addison watching him.
"You look like your carrying the weight of the world," A soft voice interrupted Derek's admiration of his wife.
Derek whipped his head to Meredith, who was now sitting in the chair to his right. For just a moment, Derek was swimming in her eyes, in the idea of how easy it was just to be with her. But even as his lips were curling into a smile, the Chief's advice began echoing in his head. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't choose Addison and still have Meredith at arm's reach.
He dropped his eyes from Meredith to his hands. Why did this have to be so damn hard? Was he seriously strong enough to make all of these decisions?
"Derek?" Meredith's cautious voice broke through his thoughts again.
Derek breathed a heavy sigh and didn't lift his gaze, "Meredith."
"Derek, you can talk to me. We're friends," Meredith placed a hand softly on his shoulder.
After silently reminding himself that severing ties with Meredith was better for everyone involved, Derek lifted his eyes to Meredith and spoke softly, "We need to talk, Meredith."
It was Meredith's turn to shift her eyes to her hands, "Um, okay."
"Before I say anything, you have to understand how hard this is for me Meredith," Derek reached out and used his fingers to direct her chin so she was looking at him, "What we had was amazing. You are an amazing person. And you need to know that what we had does mean something to me."
Derek broke off at this point. Meredith was looking at him with wide and pained eyes. He hated knowing he was the cause of her hurt.
"Stop," Her voice cracked, "I don't want to hear the rest."
He could hear Richard telling him to choose one woman, and Derek knew it was the right thing to do. Holding on to Meredith was childish. He had to be the man to push his mistress away. He had to break it off. It was best for Meredith and himself.
Any question Derek had was erased when his eyes drifted out the gallery window and he saw Addison.
Mustering up all of the strength he could manage, Derek continued, "You were wronged, Mer. Those two months we were together were wonderful, but they were ultimately a lie. I was hiding from reality, and I regret that you had to get caught up in my stupidity. For that, I am sorry."
At his apology, Meredith closed her eyes to block tears from forming and whispered, "I know."
"My point is, I can't be your friend, or your not-friend, anymore, Meredith," He tried to use as much finesse and sympathy with his words as possible, "Continuing a relationship with you has become my way of holding on to our relationship. I chose my wife when she first came to Seattle, and she is still my choice."
"Did Addison ask you to do this?" Meredith's voice was tearful but still held an icy venom.
Derek flashed her a stern glare, "Addison doesn't know that I'm doing this, Meredith. She doesn't even really like me right now. And, frankly, I wouldn't like me much either. I haven't been the husband or man that I should be. It's not your fault, but my friendship with you is part of the problem."
"Please don't, Derek," Meredith's chin was quivering and tears were filling her eyes.
"Meredith," Derek shook his head, but he couldn't continue while tears were running down her face.
She placed one hand on his cheek, her eyes looking into his, "Derek, you once said that you were drowning and that I saved you. Now I'm drowning. I need a friend, Derek. I need you. Don't leave me drowning."
Trying to be understanding, not callous, Derek brushed her hand from his cheek, "No, Meredith. Addison is my choice. No one is benefiting from you and I being friends. It's hurting both of us, and it's not fair to Addison. Find someone, Meredith. You have a lot to offer to a man, and I want you to be happy. I really do. You can't be happy if you're still holding on to what we had."
Meredith shook her head.
"We'll still see each other. I don't want this to have any bearing on your career. We are colleagues. But it's time to say good bye," Derek put a hand on Meredith's cheek, just as she had done to him moments before, and brought her face closer to his. He placed a friendly kiss on her forehead, "Thank you, Meredith."
He watched as she stood slowly and walked to the door leading from the gallery. She turned, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand, "It's not fair, Derek."
"Nothing is fair, Meredith," He countered softly. His eyes didn't leave her retreating figure until the door was closed and he was once again alone in the gallery.
Addison was looking up at him over her surgical mask, and their eyes met. Derek's heart stopped. Her gaze was frigid and seemed permanently locked on him. After the longest seconds of his life, Addison finally looked back down at the premature baby she had just extracted from the woman's uterus and went to work.
Derek didn't need anymore than that one look from her to know that he had a lot of work to do.