A/N: The next chapter (chapter 11) is really good... so read this one and enjoy... but know that it only gets better!
Addison had a sickening feeling in her stomach, and it had nothing to do with the nausea of morning sickness. She swallowed hard as she remembered what she had seen when her eyes had drifted to the observation gallery above her surgery. Addison had seen Meredith Grey's hand softly holding Derek's cheek. She had seen Derek return the favor before pressing a kiss to the other woman's forehead. And, before Derek had turned and locked eyes with Addison, she had seen him watch Meredith's retreating figure.
It was Derek's lingering commitment to Meredith that was almost making Addison physically ill. Derek no longer grazed his hand along Addison's cheeks in intimate gestures. The same was also true for soft kisses on her forehead that spoke volumes. Witnessing moments between Derek and Meredith only served to prove to Addison that, emotionally at least, Derek seemed to still be choosing Meredith.
A sigh escaped Addison's lips. Had she honestly been replaced by Meredith in Derek's heart? Judging by the intimacy of the moment she had witnessed in the gallery, the answer was yes, but Addison couldn't deny that there was something more.
Just as clearly as she remembered the scene in the gallery from just an hour before, Addison could recall her encounter with Derek from the previous night. He had come into the trailer and, not very eloquently, wondered why she hadn't been there during his surgery. His accusation had soon elevated into an argument that had concluded with Addison reminding him that he never watched her.
And, until now, he never had. During their time in Seattle, Derek had never bothered to take the time out to show Addison that he cared. He had been indifferent and absent, despite his claims to the contrary, but he had come to the gallery. He had watched her surgery. He had made the effort.
Maybe he did care. Or maybe it was just coincidence. His heart could very well still have been devoted to Meredith. It seemed that everywhere Addison looked, Derek was throwing her conflicting messages, and decoding them was almost more than one woman could handle.
This was why, Addison reminded herself, she had chosen a path of indifference. Trying to decipher Derek's conflicting messages was beyond confusing. It was tiring, difficult and, usually, fruitless. And she certainly didn't have the time to figure out what Derek's encounter in the gallery meant for her marriage.
It was time to flip the switch. It was time to become Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. She could no longer be burdened by her petty personal problems. There was a newborn just inside the NICU who needed her undivided attention, and Addison fully intended to provide it.
After inhaling a deep, calming breath, Addison entered the NICU and approached the newborn. A satisfied smile crossed her face as she looked over the chart. According to the notes, the child, despite the typical problems of having a premature birth was perfectly healthy. Addison looked up from the chart to search for the NICU shift nurse, but her eyes landed on a completely different figure standing in the entrance to the unit.
Derek's hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his jacket, and he kept his gaze on the floor as he approached the incubator she was standing next to.
"Did you have fun with Meredith?" The words poured from Addison's mouth in a sickeningly sweet tone before she had a chance to stop them. So much for indifference.
He winced at her jab and sighed, "Addie."
The conflicting emotions Addison had pushed aside when she entered the NICU rose to the surface with just one word from Derek. Though his voice was laced with frustration, there was no anger. He sounded desperate, lost. Not at all like a man trying to hurt his wife by running around with an ex.
Addison sighed; it would have been so much easier if everything were cut and dry. It would have been simpler if Derek were in love with her and completely invested in their marriage or if he were just the jerk cavorting with his ex to hurt his wife, but Addison couldn't see exactly where Derek was. She knew the pain of seeing him with Meredith and the small glimpse of hope from seeing him in the gallery, but she didn't know where Derek stood.
And Addison hated not knowing, even more than the pain of knowing her husband still held some intimacy and emotional connection with Meredith Grey.
After studying his features for a moment, Addison wondered harshly, "You came, Derek, and she came with you. Why would you bring her up there? Is it not any fun if everyone on the surgical staff can't see you?"
"Addie," Derek attempted to push back the agitation in his voice.
She didn't wait to see if Derek had anything to say after her name. Barely pausing for a breath, Addison continued furiously, "Last night you come into the trailer accusing me of missing your surgery, like somehow it's my responsibility to be there. And then I point out that you never watch me working. You do, but you still have Meredith there. Is rubbing your relationship with her in my face a game for you? You can't even stay away from her long enough to do something for me."
Addison became silent as the anger and frustration finished pouring from her. She waited, with bated breath, for some reaction from Derek. But, instead of some biting remark about her infidelity or lashing out about his feelings for Meredith, Derek gaped at her.
His stare was blank, as if he was still processing her words, but his eyes finally flashed with anger that was soon replaced with something softer and more painful. She bit her lip as he opened his mouth to respond.
"I wasn't there for Meredith! I was telling her that we had to end it because I love you, Addison! I choose you, Addison."
Addison didn't get a chance to reply. When Derek finished, he turned sharply and stormed from the NICU leaving Addison alone.
"Don't go, Derek," Addison whispered after his retreating figure.
She wanted desperately to follow him. She wanted to know what had prompted his change of heart, to let him know that she loved him too. But she had a duty to the preemie in the incubator in front of her, and Addison couldn't follow directly. She could only hope, as her eyes once again searched for the shift nurse, that Derek would be there and ready to talk when she got to the trailer.