A/N: Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me. Here's a nice long chapter to soothe your long wait. Longest chapter yet! I love writing serious action scenes. They get my blood racing! Go Kakashi-sensei!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it. Yosh.
Chapter 11 - Mufasa Momo-Cheese: Guy That Wants To Kill Tazuna!
Previously:
The second attacker broke away from Sasuke's wrath and flew at Sakura, steel claws armed to kill. Sasuke saw too, but my legs were already buzzing and he simply wasn't fast enough. Suddenly there was nothing around me – just that man and Sakura holding her stance firmly. In the sunlight, her hair was only the slightest bit lighter-
I was standing in front of her, digging my nails into the man's face so hard it drew blood. For a split second we stared at each other and his outstretched claw hung frozen in the air at my cheek. I'd never been so explicitly angry in my life.
"Fuck. Off."
Flashback:
The bundle of mystery squirmed in the man's arms as he walked out of the hospital room, smiling like a fool. I scrunched up my nose suspiciously.
"Uh... Dad?"
He poked his finger in the opening happily, earning a strange squeal of protest from the creature. "Hm?"
"...What's that?"
A little wrinkled hand suddenly popped out from the blanket folds. I jumped back and Dad laughed.
"It's your baby sister, Kaya! Wanna' hold her?"
I curled into the fetal position with wide eyes. "You mean... that thing is a human being?"
Instead of answering me he shoved the worm-thing into my arms. I started and almost dropped it, but held on fast enough when I caught sight of a round, cherubic, wrinkly old-man face. It stared at me with wide, bright blue eyes and I stared at it right back. Dad grinned.
"Her name's Natasha," he said giddily. "Isn't she pretty?"
I lifted a chubby finger and poked her in the eye. She didn't cry; just looked at me as though I were some sort of anomaly and stuck my pinkie in her mouth. I yelped and tried to pull it back.
"Ew, yuck! Dad, she's all gross and... flabby."
"Nuh-uh. She just likes you. She doesn't have her big-girl teeth yet."
I put my hand on my hip and looked it up and down. She waited patiently for approval with big eyes. I sighed.
"Tashi." I said finally. She giggled in that weird, baby voice and Dad cocked his head.
"What was that, Kaya?"
"Her name," I slid her carefully back into his arms. "It's Tashi."
My fingernails hurt like a bitch, I realized. Why did I grab his face, again? That wasn't very cool at all. Why didn't I punch punch him or kick him in the head like Sasuke did? Jeez. Some ninja I am.
I heard Sakura gasp behind me and the attacker was suddenly ripped away from my clawed hand, causing me to scowl as the humid air hit the torn skin under my nails. What the hell? I was just about to impale that bastard! Nobody lays a hand on my little sister-
"Zombie!"
I fell backwards on my butt as some radical theme music illuminated an undead Kakashi-sensei, both bad guys slung under his arms like potato sacks. Zombie-sensei slouched his shoulders and turned to us boredly.
"Yo."
"Kakashi-sensei! You're alive!" Sakura gasped delightedly.
Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets, looking put out. "Show off."
"Huh?! But he was - and-" Naruto looked back and forth dazedly.
I screamed. Really loud.
"What the-?!" Tazuna clenched his hands around his ears and scowled. "Calm down, Kid!"
"Dead people!" I crawled into my favorite fetal position and rocked myself. Evil Bad Guys that appear out of thin air, I could handle. Corpses, I could not.
"Naruto, sorry I didn't help you right away," Sensei continued as though I hadn't just broken out into hysterics. "I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I just didn't think you'd freeze up like that."
Smelly Tazuna sighed and wiped the perspiration from his mustache. I scampered over to a tree off the path and let my head fall to my knees. Zombie sightings always made me dizzy.
"Nice job, Sasuke. Very smooth. You too, Sakura." Great. Now I'm being ignored. Well, judging by the look on Naruto's face, he's not having such a blast either. Aw, poor thing. He looks devastated. Both of them. Holy crap, I am really dizzy.
Sasuke stood coolly in a random patch of sunlight and everyone was quiet for a while because Naruto was having some sort of inner monologue. Suddenly Sasuke turned and called Naruto something really lame that got him all riled up. I couldn't hear what it was for some reason, though. Everything was getting all fuzzy...
A shooting pain suddenly tore through the soles of my feet, ripping up the length of my legs. It hurt so bad it felt like the marrow in my bones were being rattled. I inhaled sharply and went rigid. What the hell was that?
"Naruto... still... poison... claws..."
Shit. I brushed the cut on my cheek with my thumb. Was I poisoned by that guy's bear-claw thing? Is this what being poisoned feels like?! But then why do my legs hurt? And how did I get over to Sakura so fast-?
Oh.
Oh.
"Move... spreads... Tazuna... need to talk."
Haha. Kakashi-sensei's totally breaking up with Tazuna. And I thought this was an action show. Are we in gossip-girl? Does Naruto use his Princess Powers to save the world? Where are we? I'm tired...
Someone with a big shoe nudged me in the side.
"Kaya, move over. I need to tie up the Bad Guys."
Blah! I don't have to listen to you. You're dead. I mumbled something incoherent and dragged myself towards a different tree. I tried not to move my legs too much for fear they might fall off. It was chakra. I'd used chakra to move to where Sakura was that time. I don't remember how... I was just so angry... I must have done it wrong, though. Or used too much. It hurt bad.
"Chuunin... Mist Village... ambush... puddle..."
They came out of a puddle? Are you kidding me?
That was the last thing I thought before everything went black.
"Why am I so different?!"
Everyone turned to Naruto, who was suddenly at his feet and shaking in what was probably self-loathing. Kakashi-sensei looked at him blankly.
"Why am I always- ugh! I worked so hard to get here! Pushing myself until it hurt-"
"Uh, guys-"
"-training alone for hours-"
"-Naruto-"
"-anything to get stronger - to reach my dream!"
Everyone seemed to lose themselves to Naruto's painful Flashback of Struggle and Strife and stared off into the distance with glossy eyes. Except for Tazuna, whose eyes were already glossy from the booze. And Sakura, who was growing increasingly distressed. She waved her hands frantically.
"Um, somebody! I think Kaya's-"
"I will never back down again!" Blood dripped dramatically from Naruto's fingertips and soaked into the dirt road at his feet as he removed the kunai he's used to stab his hand with. "I'll never let someone else rescue me, I'll never run away, and I'll never lose to Sasuke! I swear on this wound, I 'll protect you Bridge Builder Guy! Believe it!"
Kakashi-sensei scratched his head. "...Um, that was really heroic and everything, Naruto, but-"
"Kaya passed out." Sasuke stated boredly, nudging her unmoving body with his foot for emphasis. Sakura kneeled beside her nervously and fanned her face.
Naruto stared, then bowed his head and sulked. "Kaya-chan never gets to hear my speeches!"
Kakashi-sensei glanced her way disinterestedly. "Is she wounded?"
"No, she just fainted all of a sudden!" Sakura felt brushed her bangs aside tentatively and felt her forehead. "She doesn't have a fever..."
"Hm. Well, we better rest here before Naruto dies of blood loss.
...
...
Naruto turned blue.
"...It's a good idea to stop the bleeding now." Kakashi-sensei sing-songed.
"AHHHHH!"
Sakura sighed as Sasuke sat on the other side of Kaya's tree and short a disapproving glare at Naruto.
"You know, Naruto, you shouldn't hurt yourself for pleasure. You have a self-abusive personality." She waved a finger chidingly as she began digging in her pack for a first-aid kit. "That's a serious disorder called masochism!"
Kaya suddenly shot up and branded a blind finger towards a spot next to Sakura's head. "Trivia fact," she slurred, eyes still closed. "In 1994 the American Psychiatric Association modified the criteria of Sadism and Masochism in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of-"
Sasuke slapped a wet towel on her head and pushed her back down. "Shut up."
She sighed and muttered something, snuggling into the tree.
Sakura leaned over to remove Kaya's bag from its place latched between her small shoulder-blades and suddenly made a curious face. She crunched up her nose and slipped the straps from her shoulders, moving forward to remove the poorly conditioned backpack. It baffled her when she found she could not.
"Woah, you guys, come over here!" Only Naruto heeded her request with squinted eyes, making her face wrinkle up again. "Not that close, Naruto. Look - try to pick up Kaya's backpack."
The whiskered blond complied and attempted to life the bag until his face was red with exhaustion and pain because Kakashi-sensei hadn't bandaged his hand properly yet. He yowled and snatched back the offending limb.
"Holy cow, it weighs a ton! How is she carrying that thing?!"
"Maybe this is why she fainted," Sakura paused thoughtfully, then shook her head. "no, she would have had a lot more trouble keeping conscious earlier if she couldn't handle the weight. Wow, Kaya-chan must be strong."
"She was certainly complaining enough," Sasuke put in grumpily. Surprisingly, he was ignored.
"Oh no," Naruto leapt up from his new place crouched next to Kakashi-sensei, who was examining his hand-wound like it was something much more enthralling than it probably was. He paled fractionally. "That bad ninja-guy got his claw things really close to Kaya-chan's face, didn't he? What if Kaya was poisoned, too?!" His teeth started chattering and he turned an even more alarming shade of blue. "Kakashi-sensei, are we going to die?! Is Kaya dead?! You have a really serious look on your face! Ah, what have I done?! I want to live!"
Finally Kakashi-sensei seemed to be satisfied from his little trance and tied a knot at the end of Naruto's bandages, standing suddenly and walking over to where Kaya was in the middle of being overly-affectionate with her tree. Sasuke looked at her in contempt as Kakashi leaned down and abruptly lifted her off the ground, swinging her lazily into a half-hearted piggy-back. Team Seven blinked.
"Come on everyone. Break is over - we're carrying on with this mission. Naruto-" he jerked his head back towards the beaten-looking backpack. "Carry her things. We're moving out."
Naruto immediately paled and stared back at the evil bag with wide eyes. Sakura snickered.
"...Aw man!"
I realized after a while that I was being carried. It was a little hazy at first, because I was dreaming that I was talking to an orange pickle named Elvin who worked as a professor of social science at a local community college. Then I dreamed that I was on a boat, but not really because I could hear voices and the movements were too jerky and even. Later my head started to ache and my legs hurt because someone was gripping my thighs too hard and the only three scenarios that popped into my head were: A. I really was on a boat. B. I was being molested. or C. I was being carried. Now I don't know much about boats, or being molested, or being molested by a boat, but the most plausible explanation was starting to sound like option C. Then I recognized the voices.
"Kakashi-senseii, is she awake yet? My back is hurting!"
"Get over it, stupid."
"Ooh, Sasuke! I'm gunna'-"
"Quit it Naruto! If it's so heavy then just take something out and carry it by hand."
My eye twitched slightly. They couldn't be talking about-
"Naruto," a smooth tenor droned out from the back my face was pressed against. Mortified, I realized it was Sensei. "You shouldn't do that. Going through someone else's belongings-"
"Woah, look how much stuff there is in here! And what's Kaya doing with school books?!" There was a sniff and a series of ruffling sounds. "Hey Sakura-chan! What's Ancient Eee-d-jip?!"
"Ancient what-?"
"NARUTO!"
"Ah!" he recoiled into a tree as I leapt onto my pack protectively. "Kaya-chan! I thought you were sleeping!"
"I wasn't sleeping, you silly orange child. I was unconscious. And stop peeking through my shit!"
"Why did you pass out all of a sudden? We thought you'd been poisoned!"
"So did I. Anyway, how long was I out?"
"Um... twenty minutes?" Sakura offered. I sulked. That meant I had to keep walking now. Damn it.
"Wait, so what happened to the bad guys?" I asked. "Didn't Sensei tie them up?"
"Oh yeah..." Naruto scratched his head. "I don't know. We just sorta' left them there."
I blinked. "Oh. Well, then good riddance... I guess." I re-applied my pack to it's rightful spot on my shoulders and everyone started walking again. It was a few minutes later that I realized I'd successfully distracted everyone from inquiring my state of health. Woo. Go Kaya. I inconspicuously scratched my cheek. The cut was gone, too. Radical.
Sakura took the liberty to inform me that, after some unnecessary (and rather rude) provoking Naruto to stab himself ("WHAT?!") and some casual conversation, the mission we were on suddenly became like, twice as dangerous and that it was moved up in rank because Tazuna's a smelly liar. She didn't say that, but she knew. They all knew. But then nothing happened again and I was almost exactly back to where I started - bored out of my skull.
I looked off to the side and promptly succombed to my destined fate - a sea of misconnected musings.
There was a squirrel playing in a pile of leaves. I remember when neighbors back home used to pay me to clean up fallen palm branches after storms. The southern equivalent to raking leaves. I just love raking leaves, don't you, little squirrel? Oh what am I saying? You're a squirrel! You've probably never held a rake in your whole squirrel life! Don't you wish you had thumbs?
Some time later...
I, Kaya, have discovered something amazing. Something so incredibly mind-blowing - so freakishly space-altering - that I'd stared at it, unblinking, for a full ten minutes. Concentration be damned. What is this anomaly, you ask? This phenomenon?
Sasuke has a birthmark. A mole. On his toe.
I know. I freaked out too.
Not only does this disprove my theory that Giggles is, in fact, a robot; it also proves that he was at one point in time, born. Which meant he was once a baby. Which meant that Sasuke Uchiha was once - my God - chubby.
Like, stuffing marbles and shit up his nose. Incredible.
This made me break out into uncontrollable giggles, causing everyone in the boat to turn and glare at me. Oh yeah, we're in a boat, by the way. Almost there, too. The land of water or fog or something. And water and fog is in no scarcity here. Seriously, I can't see a thing.
Except Sasuke's MOLE!
Okay, let me start over.
We'd had to walk for another hour and a half after the attack, which almost drove me insane, but just when I thought that my brain was going to explode with boredom and Sakura was going to jump Sasuke, we found ourselves at a dock in some dank, misty forest area waiting for a boat. Then a bunch of boring stuff happened and I wound up teaching Naruto to play tick-tack-toe in the dirt while we waited. I found it a little odd that there was just suddenly some huge, never-ending sea in the middle of nowhere, but nobody said anything so I kept quiet. Tazuna seemed to run out of mysterious alcohol a while ago and was starting to look both really sober and really tired. I grimaced at the thought of having to haul this guy back to wherever the hell he came from. He smelled like beer and cheese.
When the boat finally came, we all climber aboard and stayed really quiet. Seating arrangements were tricky because I wanted to be next to Sakura but so did Naruto and nobody wanted to be next to Tazuna and Sasuke was just all 'why is everyone up in my grill?'. In more or less words. It was a weird boat - half canoe, half motor-boat. But the motor wasn't on. It was quite eerie, actually. The formation ended up like this: Kakashi-sensei was whispering sweet nothings in the back with stupid Tazuna and Sasuke and Sakura were shoved in the middle, much to the latter's delight. Naruto and I were up in the front, squirming impatiently.
At one point I'd leaned over the edge of the boat and let the ends of my hair brush the surface of the water to occupy my interest when I found myself face-to-face with Sasuke's sandal. He was glaring at something off in the distance I couldn't see, so I went to grab his toe. Yes, yes, I know. What on Earth would possess me to do that? I wanted to do the 'Little Piggies' song. It might piss him off. That's when I saw it. The aneurysm of nature. Sasuke Uchiha's Toe Mole!
Naruto sniffed and Sakura sighed as the guy driving the boat cracked his neck and pushed on. I tugged on Naruto's hair and he yelped loudly. That earned my some glares.
"Ow... Kaya-chan, my hair!" he whispered brokenly.
I batted a hand. "Oh, don't be such a Barbie. Can you ask Mr. Boat Guy if we're there yet?"
"You're closer!"
"Shh!" Sakura poked us each in the back chidingly. I sighed.
...
...
"Please, Naruto? I'm so bored I think my face is about to jump off my head and drown itself."
"As long as it takes your mouth with it."
I turned around with a sweet smile and swatted Sasuke's shoulder a little to hard to be friendly. "Oh, Sasuke! You and your charmingly ambiguous morals. I don't think I was talking to you!" He grunted as I turned back to the tolerable male on my team. "Seriously, Naruto. I'm begging you. Please?"
He pouted adorably and looked back at Kakashi-sensei. "I don't know..."
"Naruto... I don't think you understand just how bored I am." I balled a fist and held it up to him with the same sweet smile plastered on my face. I stared at him unblinkingly. "I have a condition, you see, and when a person comes between me and my entertainment, unthinkable things happen. Unthinkable. If you don't ask that man how long it will be until we get to wherever we're going, I will hunt you down. Like, there will be nowhere for you to hide. Not in your home, not in the trees, not in the village, not in this boat, not in the sea-"
"He could hide in the sea," Sakura, who'd given up on trying to shut us up, piped in helpfully. I shook my head solemnly.
"No. I would still show up on a dolphin or something. Like Aquaman."
"Who's Aquaman?"
"A superhero. He can talk to dolphins."
"Nin-dolphins?"
"What? No, regular dolphins. With dorsal fins." What the hell's a nin-dolphin?
"What's a dorsal fin?!"
"Your face."
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Shut up." Sasuke lamented incredulously. He was ignored and I glanced over his head to where Sensei and Tazuna were still whispering to each other suspiciously. Now, I don't know much about flirts, or boats, or flirting with boats, but I'm fairly sure that if Tazuna had something that important to say, he could share with everyone. Why were we being so quiet anyway?
Mr. Boat Guy suddenly tipped his funny straw-hat and spoke. "The bridge isn't far, now. We've almost reached our destination. The land of Waves."
I tilted my head. Oh yeah, we were here for a bridge, weren't we? Wow... that seems like a particularly important bit of information. I can't believe I forgot! But why would people want to attack us because of a bridge? It seems a little irrelevant. Did I miss a monologue? Damn it!
And suddenly, there it was. A huge, unfinished wooden structure towering above our heads through the mist. It's shadow cast over the boat for a minute, sending everything into darkness.
"Holy crap..." I had to keep my mouth from hanging open. That's how big it was. It was the biggest bridge I'd ever seen in my life!
"WOAH! It's huge!"
"Quiet, Kid! I told you, no noise!" Boat Man whacked poor Naruto over the head with his oar thing. Some water droplets sprinkled onto me and I wrinkled my nose. Ew. Why have none of these adults heard of child-abuse laws? "Why do you think we're traveling like this, huh?! It's so they don't see us!"
Naruto slapped his hands over his mouth and everyone looked at Tazuna for some reason. I, not being one to be left out (apparently?), followed suit.
"Mr. Tazuna... before we reach the peer, I want to ask you something." Kakashi-sensei said, finally loud enough for the rest of us to hear. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Then what the hell have they been talking about this whole time? ('Curses. Defeated by logic again.') "The men who are after you... I need to know why." Oh, Good. I didn't miss the monologue. "If you don't tell us, I'm afraid I'll have to end this mission when we drop you ashore." Mm. Good word choice, sensei!
Tazuna bowed his head under his own funny hat-thing and pushed up his glasses shamefully. "I have no choice but to tell you..." he grumbled.
Everyone on the boat slipped a little. No shit.
"Like you said, this is beyond the scope of the original mission. The one who seeks my life is a very short man who casts a long and deadly shadow." He cast a sly glance my way. I cracked my knuckles and he looked away quickly. "He's one of the wealthiest men in the world. The shipping magnet, Gahto."
I gasped. "A spanish cat?!"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Gahto?" Kakashi-sensei reiterated, surprised. "Of Gahto Transport? He's an international business leader, everyone knows him."
"Who, who? What, what?" Naruto leaned forward eagerly. Sasuke and Sakura shifted to face the object of attention. I hoped to God this wouldn't take long.
"Gahto may be a successful trad tycoon on the surface, but underground he sells drugs and contraband..."
And lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Here we go. I tuned out for the bit where Tazuna so generously read us a text-book chapter on business fraud. Please don't tell me we're here for politics. If we are, just shoot me now.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Naruto squint his eyes and Sakura shift. They probably weren't listening either. I couldn't tell with Sasuke, but his eyelids were just fractionally narrowed, which is robot language for 'Good God, this is boring.' Kakashi-sensei was pretty attentive but that's because that's his job. Jeez, I thought we'd just get to fight some guys then leave. This kind of sucks.
I looked around at the rediculously thick fog. At least the scenery's nice.
"...Gahto controls our land because it's cut off from civilization. When this bridge is built, his reign of terror will end."
There you go. Honestly, you could have just said that. So short guy with Napoleonic complex that wants to control his own little island. Simple enough.
"So that's it. You're just standing in some gangster's way." Sakura deadpanned. I smiled at her and gave her a mental pat on the back. Yay for being droll!
Sasuke leaned froward. "That means those guys we fought in the forest were working for Gahto." Blah. No props for Sasuke.
"Uh... hm..." Naruto said thoughtfully. I gave him a pat on the head because I could. He's so adorable, trying to think...
Tazuna then went on to explain that the reason he couldn't request for a higher ranked mission was because he was poor. And his family was poor. And his nation and his village and his dog were poor. But we shouldn't feel bad even if he ends up a dirty smear of old-drunk-dead-guy on someones porch and his 'sweet little grandson' cries 'Where's grandad? I want my grandad!'.
My eyebrow twitched. I hate kids.
Oh, and his daughter will denounce and blame the Leaf ninja that abandoned her father in his country's time of need as she lives her poverish life of sorrow and misery. Oh well.
Kakashi-sensei sighed sighed and scratched his temple. Everyone else made faces, even Mr. Boat Guy. Luckily for us, I have no conscience whatsoever when it comes to drunkards that call me short and spout evil, demon grand kids.
"Well, I guess we have no other choice..."
I looked at Kakashi-sensei, horrified. Nooo!
"Ah, I'm very grateful!" Tazuna replied smugly. Several people scowled as he made a 'discreet' peace sign at Mr. Boat Man and muttered, "I win."
When I said the scenery was nice, I was kidding. It turns out I was right, though. When we entered the little water village and the fog spontaneously cleared up, the first thing we saw were cute little abstractly placed water-root trees and old Japanese style peasant homes. All the buildings were settled on docks and peers, giving the illusion that the whole village was floating on water. If I had a camera, I would have been going crazy.
Boat Man dropped us off the docks and exchanged some freindly words with Tazuna before we set out to get Tazuna home safely. As much as I hated to admit it, ever since coming clean about his 'little problems' and running out of beer or whatever, he'd become just the slightest bit more tolerable. Needless to say we were all drop-dead exaughsted - well, I was at least - and everyone was looking forward to just getting this guy home and getting some much-needed rest. Our mutual misery must have brought us together. Or something. God, I'm tired.
We'd eventually gotten back on a path that, ironically enough, looked exactly like the one we'd been on all day, even though logic told me that the other path had to be miles away from here. TV shows were just creative that way, I suppose. Naruto, apparently having suffered some sort of massive inferiority complex at one point in this mission, had been having several consecutive spaz attacks. He kept throwing kunai (the knives) at bushes and trees, trying to catch invisible villains in the act of doing villainous things. Kakashi-sensei was lecturing him for scaring everyone. I think he even killed a bunny.
"Naruto! Look what you did, the poor thing's stunned!"
Ah, nope. Still alive.
"Oh no! I'm sorry little Rabbit, I'm sorry!"
He proceeded to chase after the traumatized animal, arms wide in invitation for a loving embrace. I sighed, not even attempting to muster up the energy to be amused.
"Hey, Kid. What's with you? Are you sick or something? You've been quiet." Tazuna eyed me carefully. I looked up at him with a blank expression.
"No. I don't get sick. Although," I rubbed the bridge of my nose as Naruto started yelling at Sasuke again. "I definitely don't feel too hot. We were up and running around on missions long before you were dragged into the picture."
Okay, so I normally would try at least a little to contain my bitterness, but I had the biggest headache on the face of ever. I was freaking world-weary. I had a right to be ornery. Kakashi-sensei looked like he was in the same situation, but again, it was his job to be the responsible one. Not mine. In fact, everyone besides Naruto was getting relatively pissed.
"Well, don't you pass out again! I don't want one of my ninja escorts being dead-weight if I get attacked!"
My eyes twitched open. Did I say he was getting tolerable? I meant CLOSE TO DEATH.
"Listen, you bastard, I am a freaking ninja and you employed me for a phony mission, which means I have every right to kick you and your little devil child's ass back to Tuesday-"
"Kaya."
"Yes, sensei." I hunched over and stuffed my temper back into its corner. Now I didn't have any energy.
Suddenly everything went really quiet and I froze, eyeing the scene. Oh no. Oh no. You have got to be kidding me. I swear to every deity if we get attacked again today I am going to materialize a freaking gun and just shoot the crap out of everyone. Morbid, but not untruthful. Seriously. This is bull.
"Look out!"
A huge, inhumanly heavy looking sword boom-a-ranged its way across the road and sliced above our heads as everyone hit the deck. It lodged itself in a big tree and some guy with ugly cow-print arm/leg warmers landed on the hilt in a dramatic pose. I shot to my feet and grabbed two fistfuls of hair.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me!"
Everyone stood and faced our new foe, taking defensive stances. Kakashi-sensei straightened.
"Well, well... if it isn't Zabuza Momochi. Rogue ninja of the Village Hidden in the Mist."
As I mentioned previously, my state of mind wasn't quite up to par at the moment, so that name was completely lost on me. What I heard was 'Ah-ooz-a Momo-chee'. I blinked.
"Mufasa Momo-Cheese?"
Psh. I'm shaking in fear.
Naruto made a face back at Sasuke and it was clear to anyone with two eyes he was planning on making a show of out-performing him. That was his 'I'm about to do something stupid in the name of my ego' face. I hunched my shoulders. Here we go, again.
Sure enough, he charged forward, only to be clothes-hanger-ed by Sensei's arm. Ouch. Poor Kid.
"You're in the way." Kakashi-sensei said solemnly. He shoved Naruto back a few inches. "Get back."
Naruto spluttered. "But - why?!"
"He's not like those other ninja. He's in a whole other league..."
Somebody shifted behind me. I squinted my eyes at the man in the tree. His skin was grey. Jesus, how many corpses do I have to look at today?
"If he;s our opponent, I may need this..." Kakashi-sensei reached up to his headband. "This could be treacherous."
Snigger. Treacherous. Everyone inhaled sharply and leaned forward. After a second I realized that I probably should too. I gasped loudly.
"Kakashi of the Sharingan eye." Mufasa said in a classic creepy-villain voice. "Did I get that right?"
Sasuke reeled back like he'd been slapped and snapped his head towards Kakashi-sensei. Okay, I'm missing something. Sensei has an eye fungus?
Mufasa grunted. "It's too bad, eh? But you'll have to hand over the old man."
"Gladly." I muttered. Sakura elbowed me in the gut.
"Everyone, Swastika formation! I taught you teamwork. Now it's time to use it."
He did? When? I resisted the urge to make a comment about Nazi's and the Axis forces. Something bad was about to go down if Sensei didn't want us fighting at all.
Suddenly Kakashi-sensei removed his headband and shifted into a stance. Naruto, who was still right beside him, looked up into his face and gasped. I stood on my tip-toes and tried to see around. What?
"Looks like I get to see the Sharingan in action. This is an honor." Mufasa turned around and gave us all a good look at his torso. Woah.
"Everyone keeps saying Sharingan, Sharingan! Will someone please tell me what Sharingan is?!
"Naruto, I think we're being attacked," I sweat-dropped and dug my foot in the dirt. "Can't this wait?"
"The Sharingan... is a rare power. It resides in the eyes." Sasuke explained, sounding a little shell-shocked. I'm getting really frickin' sick of being ignored. "The user of this visual jutsu, or doujutsu, can instantly see or comprehend any genjutsu, taijutsu, or ninjutsu and reflect the attack back on the attacker."
"Kickass. So should we like, defend ourselves now?"
"The Sharingan is a special, rare form of doujutsu. However, there's more to the Sharingan than that... a lot more..."
"Great, Sasuke, great. That's really freaking cool. There is a guy with a body like the hulk and a humongous sword in a tree. Let's do this later."
"You got it right boy, but you only scratched the surface."
I threw my arms up in the air. Awesome. Mufasa, too.
"The Sharingan can analyze an oponents technique, and then copy it to the smallest detail."
And suddenly we were surrounded by a visually impenetrable fog for the second time that day. My headache increased ten-fold.
"Your profile was very impressive in my Bingo-book. Kakashi- the man who copied over a thousand jutsu. The Copy Ninja."
"A Bingo-book?" I breathed to myself. Kakashi-sensei was famous? How cool!
"Wow, that's so cool!"
Jeez, Naruto. Get your own opinions.
"Enough talking," Mufasa crouched down and grabbed onto the hilt of his giant sword just as the mist obscured him from view. "I need to exterminate the old man, now."
Tazuna gasped and Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were suddenly at his sides with kunai at the ready. I cursed and grabbed a random weapon from my pack, racing to cover Tazuna's backside. How did I always miss these action cues?! God, I fail.
Mufasa chuckled sinisterly. "So, I'll have to eliminate you first, Kakashi? So be it."
A pang of worry shot through me. Would Sensei really be alright?
The sound of splashing water reached my ears and to my right, Sakura jumped.
"He's over there, now! Standing on the water!"
Where? What water? I couldn't see anything and my back was facing everyone. My heart sped up a little. I can't see anything!
Somewhere behind me, Zabuza struck a Sailor Moon pose and water began evaporating into the air at his feet. Kakashi-sensei tensed.
"Ninja Art: Hidden Mist no Jutsu!"
...
...
"He vanished!" Naruto shouted.
I reinforced my stance and locked my elbows. This was starting to get scary. I gripped the big kunai just a little tighter.
"Sensei?"
"He'll come for me first." Kakashi's footsteps were muffled by the dirt as he moved closer. "This man is more dangerous that you can possibly imagine - a master of the Silent Killing Technique. Do not let down your guard."
I allowed myself a cynical laugh, but it was shaky. And they called this a kid's show?
"Something funny, little one?"
I froze and my mouth went dry. That voice was almost right in front of me.
"Eight points..." the voice echoed all around us. Sasuke went rigid to my left. "Larynx, spine, lungs, liver, jugular, subclavian artery, kidneys, heart."
"W-what's he doing?" Naruto whispered shakily. I could feel all the blood drain out of my face.
"Those are the eight vital points." My voice trembled fractionally. I swallowed. "He's trying to intimidate us." Successfully.
"Now..." a swish of air indicated movement. "Which will be my attack point?"
Kakashi-sensei made a hand-seal and a strong gust of wind dispelled most of the mist. I breathed a small sigh of relief as my vision was restored. I'm going to have a heart-attack one of these days.
I finally looked around to re-orient myself and make sure no one was dead. Tazuna was safe (to my dismay) and still standing in the middle of our little Circle O' Trust. Sakura was fine as far as I could tell and all I could see of Naruto was his back, but because he was still standing I had no choice but to assume he was okay. I cranked my neck to the side to see Sasuke-
About to stab himself.
"Dude!" I kicked a rock at the back of his head. He looked terrified. "Get a hold of yourself! If you want to kill yourself do it after we're done fighting, damn it!"
"Sasuke, calm down." Kakashi-sensei gave him and intense look over his shoulder. "I'll protect you with my life," he looked at me. "All of you."
And then I realized something - Kakashi-sensei was important to me. Just like Naruto and Sakura were. I didn't want him to die protecting me. He didn't like me, sure; but I liked him and I cared about what happened to him. I'd be damned if I let some twit named Mufasa harm anyone in this clearing.
I nodded shortly and turned back to my spot, fear virtually draining out. I don't care who this guy was, he was not leaving this place with any of our lives.
"I will not allow my comrades to die." Sensei eye-crinkled reassuringly. "Trust me."
"I wouldn't be so sure."
Out of nowhere, he appeared in the center of our circle. The fabric of him pants brushed my back.
"It's over."
I heard the swish of his sword before I saw him swing it. Sasuke grabbed Tazuna's arm and flung him off to the side as everyone jumped back. A stupid idea struck me just as Kakashi-sensei flew forward and caught the sword mid-swing. Instead of joining the others, I ducked and fished Teddy's ninja-twine out of my pockets as fast as I possibly could, wrapping it around Mufasa's sandal while he was busy shifting his balance to accommodate the weight of his weapon. When I was done I tuck, duck, and rolled the hell out of there, hoping to God that:
A. That this twine was both really long and really strong.
B. That Mufasa wasn't as heavy as he looked.
and C. That this plan wasn't as retarded as it was starting to look.
As soon as I reached a spot close to Naruto I raced past him and started wrapping the other end around a tree trunk multiple times. This has got to be the lamest thing I've ever thought up. Trip the bad guy. Great plan.
Luckily (so luckily I almost couldn't believe it) no one paid attention and all focus zeroed in on the two Jounin in the battlefield, staring each other down. Then Mufasa turned into water.
Well, shit.
"A water clone jutsu?!" Naruto yelled inappropriately.
Another Zabuza appeared behind Sensei and chopped him in half, only to reveal that he, too, was a water clone.
Woo. Go Sensei.
A flash of light caught my eye and my eyes snapped down to the twine still tied to the tree. It was stretched taught. Which meant that-
"You're kidding me," I said to myself incredulously. You mean I actually got him before he did the jutsu? Someone up there must pity me. Thank you!
Mufasa looked surprised as Sensei appeared behind him in a totally awesome pose and stuck a kunai to his throat.
"Don't move," he warned. "Now it's over."
If I haven't mention this before, my sensei kicks ass. Way cooler than Jiraiya.
Everyone relaxed marginally, until Mufasa started laughing.
"You don't get it, do you?" he tilted his head. "You can't defeat me with that silly technique. You are full of surprises, though. I was distracted by your little speech."
Thank you.
"Very skillfully executed. Nice try, but I'm not that easy to fool."
He jumped so fast I couldn't even see it and shoved his sword forward with unnatural speed. Kakashi-sensei dodged and ran sideways into the mist. Mufasa made to chase after him when my twine caught his stride and set him off balance. It didn't do much except buy Sensei some extra time and piss him off. I smiled in triumph, but froze when his eyes shot to me.
Oh shit.
Taking a step back for a moment, I would like to reflect on the mentality I was in at that time. Being the particularly 'not-ceative' person I was, I didn't have a flashing talent with words. What goes through my head and what comes out my mouth can be two very different things. So, when Mufasa's big shuriken embedded itself in my shoulder, even as I dived out of the way, what I thought was; 'Hmm. Curved trajectory. Wonder how he knew I was going to fall this way?'
What came out of my mouth was: "Fuck!"
The force of the hit knocked my head into a tree and I fell to my knees, panting. Mufasa was saying something and there was another splash of water and Naruto called my name. I put a hand to the sharp object and fingered it, morbidly intrigued. I'd never actually been stabbed before. Hurt like a bitch. Wow that was a lot of blood. Jeez, I only tried to trip the guy, he didn't have to go and stab me. Anger management, people.
I started to see in tunnel-vision and cursed myself. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. I am not going to pass out in the middle of a fight. It's one shuriken! Sure, this past month has put me under a ridiculous amount of physical strain, but even with my minimal training I should still be able to take this! Stars danced around my head as I breathlessly made to stand, then fell down again with an 'oomph'. Damn, damn, damn-
"Fool. You're little tricks can only stall me for so long. Water Prison no Jutsu!"
Kakashi-sensei was suddenly engulfed in a large pod of water that sprung out of the lake at Mufasa's command. He said something to Kakashi that made him freeze up and then turned to us with a menacing smile behind his mask. I grabbed my head and shook myself, struggling to stay conscious.
"Damn it," I watched a stream of warm blood run down my bare arm, giving me goose-bumps. "Stay awake!"
A water clone spawned up from the shore and stepped towards us.
"You think wearing a headband makes you a ninja..." he chided in a deep, frightening baritone. "When you've hovered between life and death so many times, it doesn't phase you, then you may be called a ninja..."
My head was pounding. I fell from my hands to my elbows, trying to keep my head high enough to keep an eye on what was happening. My shoulders started to shake. One throbbing pulse through my skull was so intense it forced my lids shut. Everyone but Naruto was so far away from me now.
"When you've become so deadly your profile is entered in my Bingo-book, then you may have earned the title 'ninja'."
He lifted his monstrous arm and hefted his hand into a seal, summoning the fog once more.
"But to call upstarts like you, ninja... is a joke!"
Suddenly Naruto was sent flying backwards towards Sakura and Sasuke, leaving me alone in the trees. His headband slipped off and Zabuza stepped on it, digging it into the dirt with his heal. He jerked his chin in the air.
"You're just brats!"
"Naruto!" Sakura cried out. I finally mustered up the energy to look up.
Sasuke and Sakura stood beside Naruto protectively, looking panicked. Tazuna stood behind them, all huddled in the middle of their triangle. They looked like a team. All three of them were important to me. I couldn't afford to be so weak. If I could help, even a little, that would be enough.
I reached into my pack with my good arm and drew out some old matches I kept in the back for no real reason. I chucked my kunai at Mufasa's head weakly, getting his attention when the hilt knocked his elbow.
"Hey Cowboy," I rocked back onto my heels and shot him the best smart-ass grin I could summon. "I don't have a headband."
I lit the match with one hand and touched it to the string I'd tied to the knife. The fire immediately ignited and raced down the length of the twine until it reached the little tag tied to the kunai's hilt. Mufasa's eyes widened.
The tag exploded and sent me flying into another tree. I heard Sakura and Naruto gasp somewhere far away.
The ground came to meet me very quickly.
"What's that?"
"This?" Jiraiya-sensei flicked the little piece of paper attached to the end of his knife-thing casually. "It's an exploding tag. You activate it by sending it a chakra signal or setting it on fire. Powerful little things."
I shaded my eyes from the sun with one hand and watched as he sharpened the weapon with a stone. Sweetie pawed the dirt, demanding some attention.
"So you stab them first, then blow them up?" I leaned over to pat the bull on the head. "That doesn't sound very humane."
"Well, being a ninja isn't about being humane," he told me solemnly. "It's about following your motto - your ninja way - and doing what you think is right. For you, for your comrades, and for your country."
"Hm. Deep." I watched suspiciously as he took out his notepad and started scribbling something. "So did you always write porn or was there a point in time where you used that inner philosopher to spit out proper literature? OW!"
He recovered his pencil after the stone he threw bounced off my head and continued writing. "Respect your Sensei, Kaya. And all of my novels are proper literature. You're pre-pubescent little mind simply can't handle my majesty!" He struck a pose. I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. So what's your ninja way then, Jiraiya? Can I have one too?"
"Well, of course. Every shinobi needs a nindo. What's the one thing that's most important to you?"
"Um..." I tapped my lip. What was most important to me? On a personal level? "Well, I think my family... but I've never really thought about anything else. I don't have enough experience to go by making big life-rules."
"Your family, huh? Well, that's very wise of you. A lot of people make there's about power or truth. Not that those aren't good either, of course, but protecting your loved ones should always come first."
"Then thats it!" I leapt to my feet and gave the world two big thumbs up. "That will be my ninja way! Protecting the people I care about. Not very original, but I can take creative-criticism. Hey wait," I turned back to him and pointed accusingly. "You didn't tell me what yours was. I may be fickle, sir but I am not stupid!"
"My nindo?" He stuffed his notebook back in his back and stood up, reflecting my good-guy pose right back to me, only looking significantly more like a perverted old sage-man. "That's easy. My ninja way is a quest for world-peace!"
...
...
"And I thought I was unoriginal."