Chapter 4. Christian Explains to Tamwar

2 days later. Nothing much has changed. The atmosphere was easier but Tamwar and Christian were still treading on eggshells around Syed, knowing that he was still fragile and still bottling up so much inside. Syed was in bed, Tamwar and Christian were at the sink in the kitchenette, one washing and one drying the dishes from last night's dinner.

"Can I ask you something, Christian and will you be honest with me?"

"Yes and maybe, Tamwar, depending on the question"

"You do still love him, don't you?" It was more of a pleading beg than a question.

Christian put down the teatowel and turned to look at the bedroom door, knowing Syed was in there. He was silent for a few moments as if gathering his thoughts. The last 18 months flashed before his eyes in an instant but each moment of that time was as clearly defined in his memory as if it was yesterday. He had done this so many times, thought about his life in the period since he met Syed, trying to find something in it to justify a reason for not loving or wanting him because it was hurting him too much this way. Hating Syed or even being indifferent to him could mean he could truly move on and begin to live again. Each time he got the same answer. Despite the lies, despite Amira, despite Zainab, despite being rejected, despite not being in contact for 6 months... despite all this and more, he couldn't find a reason for not being in love with him.

"Honestly, Tamwar? Yes I do still love him. I've never stopped and never will. I wish I could – it would make my life so much easier"

"Thanks, I was pretty sure you did. Can I ask another question?"

"Nosey so-and-so, aren't you?" interrupted Christian, his face opening out into a broad grin "Go ahead, but I might choose not to answer"

"Can you tell me about how you got together and how things were?"

"Erm...I don't think so. Some things are best kept private.."

Tamwar jokingly punched Christian in the arm. "Yuk, no I don't mean the sex 'stuff' and all that... I haven't had my brekkie yet! Seriously, I know how he felt – no - how he feels about you. For a long time tho, I didn't and couldn't understand it..in some ways I still don't. I love my brother almost more than life itself and I tried to talk to him but he clams up. If I'm going to really help him, I want to understand it properly. What is the connection you have with each other that has made him do the things he's done?"

Christian wasn't sure he wanted to go into it all again -especially with his ex-lovers younger brother and glanced uncomfortably at the young man " I'm not sure I feel right about telling you, Tamwar".

"Oh, Christian, please? At the moment we are his only friends in the world. Without us being united and working together, he has no-one to care for him. Who knows what he might do. I called you last week because I was certain that you were the only one who could really reach him. I mean REALLY, deep down reach him. I can support him, love him, take care of him but I can't see inside him. I don't know enough about what he's been through. You do. Unless I can latch on to what is going on inside his head and what his heart really wants, I can't save him. He can't tell me that so I need you to do it for him".

Christian smiled. Yet again this man surprised him. So much wisdom and common sense in one so young. So much love for his brother – the ONLY member of his family to support him unconditionally. And Tamwar was right, neither of them could manage this on their own. They needed to be a team and to show Syed that they loved him.

"Ok, ok but I'll leave out the gory details" he smirked. " The first thing to understand about your brother is that, despite what your lovely mother might say, I didn't 'turn' him. I wasn't the first man he had been with – that's important to know Tamwar – he had realised he might be gay long before we met. He told me that he had been with men when he was in Leeds. The second thing to know is that, again despite what Zainab might wish to believe, it was HIM who came on to me not the other way round. For me, he was a guy I worked with. I admit to looking at him and thinking 'phwoar' – who wouldn't, he's bloody beautiful – but that was as far as it went".

"So when did it all start?"

"The night of Bushra's party. We'd pulled it off and I'd saved your mother's reputation by getting Amira to sing instead of her. Bushra was well impressed. Anyway, upshot was, that Bushra was shocked to hear I was gay and both Zainab and Syed treated me appallingly. I went back to the Unit to clear up and was really angry. Syed came back a bit later and we argued. Then, suddenly, out of the blue, he kissed me". Christian took a sharp intake of breath as he relived the moment. "We spent the night together. I said I wouldn't go into details Tamwar, so I'll just say that I've been with straight men before who played at being gay and, well, I could tell your brother wasn't playing".

"And then it started... the denials and ignoring of what was staring him in the face. It became a pattern of our relationship. He would always deny me and always deny that he was gay. But I knew differently. We both tried to stay away but we couldn't. Then after one really great night together, he called us all together – you, your mum and dad, me and proposed to Amira in the pub. That blew my mind – I couldn't bear it. See by this time, I already knew I'd met someone who had changed my life. I'd lived a life of gay bars and one night stands getting my kicks with no responsibility and commitment. Then along comes this man who changes all that, someone who made me WANT to take responsibility, who made me want to commit. And he was denying me in the worst way possible. I fell for him long before he fell for me. Your mother accused me of being a predator – I wasn't. I simply fell in love and couldn't resist the object of my love. Is that so awful?"

Tamwar had listened open-mouthed to this. It wasn't what he had been led to believe at all – not that he'd been told very much. He saw the truth in Christian's pained expression and with the outpouring of the events. "So you'd been together even before he got engaged to Amira?"

"Yes, at least twice and he knew by then that it wasn't just 'thinking' he was gay, he knew it".

"Oh dear lord, and then mum and Amira had all that nonsense with you being the fronke. Jeez, if they'd only known".

"Tell me about it, Tamwar. It tore me to pieces every time I saw Syed and Amira together, playing happy families. But the strange thing is I liked Amira, really liked her."

They'd finished washing the dishes and moved into the living area. Tamwar plonked himself down on the floor, legs crossed in a sort of lotus position. Christian sat in the same spot he'd been in with Syed a few days earlier. He took a gulp from the glass of water he'd brought with him. His throat was already dry as he talked it and relived it all. He realised how good this felt, just letting it all out. Letting someone else know HIS side of the story. He needed to do this.

"Wasn't it when Syed got engaged that you got beaten up? I remember that happening and thinking how bad it was that someone should get beaten up for being gay. I remember Syed defending you when mum said that it might have been because of things homosexuals get up to"

"Ha good old Zainab – open minded as always"

"That's not quite fair, Christian, she was horrified and said it was wrong for you to have beaten up but all she knew about homosexuals was what she'd heard or read about and felt that some people might not be able to accept the things homosexuals do. She was concerned for you."

"OK, sorry, maybe she was still ok then – because she didn't know then that I'd 'turned' her son! Anyway, Syed was great while I was recovering from the beating and it was then that we really got to know each other. He looked after me and supported me. I couldn't have got through it without him. I was ready to commit but he couldn't or more likely wouldn't. I wanted to shout to the rooftops that I loved him but the idea scared him to death. We rowed and I gave him an ultimatum, be with me or be with Amira but not both. He couldn't do it. So that was it. I tried to get on without him and he had Amira. We both tried, we really did. Neither of us could look at each other cos if we did, we'd just crumble. There was too much between us for it to stop though. In the end we both gave in – it was inevitable".

"And all this time he was planning the wedding with Amira?"

"Yes, that's what was most hurtful. I know he loved me, he knew I loved him. He knew that he didn't love Amira – not in the way he should at any rate- but he couldn't take that final step. I don't know what it is about your community Tamwar but he seemed so scared and paranoid about people finding out. All I knew is that we were two people completely and utterly in love with each other but we couldn't be together. He said he couldn't betray his family, his fiancee, his religion. You were always more important to him than I was and if he had to make a choice it was clear which way he'd go. I was never going to win". He couldn't stop the tears that had been welling up from running down his cheeks.

Tamwar got up and walked over to Christian. Kneeling down, he put his arm round Christian and gave him a hug. Things were becoming clear to him, things he'd never been told. Christian was surprised by Tamwar's gesture but couldn't help but smile to himself – he was more like his brother than he ever realised.

"There's a lot more to tell, Tamwar, and now I've started I want to get it all off my chest. You know, I wasn't sure about this when you asked me but I think it's doing me some good"

"I'm glad, Christian. And its doing me good too. I am learning so many things that had been kept from me. It sounds to me like Syed has never really explained about our culture and community to you and why it plays such a big part in our lives. If he had done, you might have understood a little more about his anxieties and why he reacted how he did. That's not an excuse or blaming you but unless you have lived this life, you really can't begin to get to grips with what it means to be a Muslim".

"Yes, I'd like you to tell me about that. He never felt comfortable talking about it. I might not agree with a lot you're going to say but I know its what makes him who he is – the person I love. I need to understand just as you do I guess".

" Well, where do I start I wonder".

At that moment they both heard the creak of the bedroom door. They looked at each other and at the living room door in front of them. They heard the lock on the bathroom door being turned.

"Looks like this'll have to wait for another time" Christian got up and walked to the window to open it and let the fresh air flood in. " But Tamwar, thankyou. I needed to get this all out and really do appreciate you listening. Maybe we can talk a bit more later on if Syed goes back to bed".

"Yes, I'd like that Christian".

Christian took his glass back to the kitchenette and stood at the sink deep in thought. His thought was interrupted when the door opened and Syed shuffled in.