Ch 7: Confession
A/N: Sorry that it took me so long. I'm probably going to have to update less frequently, as I burned out while I was writing this chapter and couldn't write much for almost a week. I haven't had much of a chance to read this over, but to be honest, it's been an incredibly painful chapter to write, and I just want to publish it.
It was a few seconds before I heard footsteps. The footsteps were rather fast, as if the person who they belonged to was running. Then, the door swung open, revealing Kari, who looked almost as breathless I felt.
"Hi." She said. To me, it felt like such an understatement, but I wasn't sure what the right thing to say was.
So I responded in turn. "Hi."
A short awkward silence followed... and then we both burst out laughing.
"It's good to see you again." I said through the laughter.
"You too." She said.
"Why are we laughing, anyway?"
"I don't know." She replied, and we laughed even harder, "Come on in, no need to stand outside."
"Right." I said, stepping inside.
She closed the door behind me, and then said, "We may want to be a little more quit, my parents aren't awake yet."
"Alright." I said, stifling my laughter.
"You're alright." She said, smiling.
I smiled back. I wanted to throw my arms around her, but I knew I probably shouldn't do.
I remembered what I'd decided earlier, that I'd tell her how I felt. I didn't think it was the best time, but I wasn't sure there was a 'best' time, or even a 'good' time. But it didn't matter, I was having trouble even speaking her name.
"Yeah." I said. It was so lame of me. I wanted to say something, anything to tell her how I felt. It was totally irrational, but I was filled with little fears. What are you going to say?Are you sure that this is the best moment? I chided myself.
Yes. I thought, Yes, it is.
It was vaguely funny, I was arguing with myself.
"So how are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm doing fairly well." I said, the distraction making me both grateful and irritated, "You?"
"Very well." She said.
Might as well get it over with. I convinced myself, and then began.
"Kari... I..." I mumbled.
"I can't hear you." She said.
"Never mind." I said, and then had the urge to bury my head in something.
She looked at me in this way. Like she was asking are you sure?
I nodded, subtly, so that she wouldn't notice unless she really was trying to convey something.
"Alright." She said, sounding vaguely disappointed.
Another awkward silence between us, much more awkward than before. This time, I didn't want to laugh.
"What I mean is..." I began, "I... I like you... As more than a friend."
She smiled, "Not now. Later. What's more important right now is that you have a roof over your head. And I'm not sure that you can stay if we're a couple."
"Is that a rejection?"
"LATER, damn it, T.K." She said.
"You're content to wait forever, aren't you." I said, "I can wait, but please, don't leave me hanging. At least tell me what you think of me."
"I like you too, T.K... But... I need to know you are safe. That's more important than anything else right now."
"Alright." I said, wishing I could throw my arms around her.
The room fell just silent as before, but the silence wasn't as awkward.
"How would waiting be anything new T.K?" She asked, sounding almost hurt.
I shook my head, "What was I supposed to do?"
"There were PLENTY of things you could have done. And don't even start about 'not being aloud.'" She said, glaring at me now.
"Look, I'm sorry. Honestly, though... it's not like you did anything, either."
"True. But how would you have replied if I'd asked you out?" She asked, rolling her eyes, but at least no longer giving me the look of death.
"I would probably have said 'I'm not aloud to date.'" I admitted, "You understand that I was worried about our friendship, right?"
"I understand." She said, smirking.
"Fine, I'm a coward." I said, shrugging, "Is that what you want to hear?"
"No." She said, "I'm not sure what I want to hear, and I don't think I'm angry at you per say. I'm angry that I still have to wait."
"It wasn't a good time?" I assumed.
"It was as good a time as any." She replied, smiling.
"Alright." I said, hugging her quickly and then releasing her.
"'Keru, please. Don't make this harder for me than in already is. We're not a couple, we can't be yet. Until I know you can stay if we are a couple, or you have somewhere else to stay." She said, hanging her head, "It's hard enough already. Please."
"Sorry." I said, wanting to hug her again, but resisting the urge.
"No problem." She said, "I'd do the same to you, but... Well, I guess I'm the one holding back in the first place."
"And you think its hard for you." I said.
"Well, it's not exactly my fault you ran away, now is it?" She teased.
"You'd be surprised." I replied, myself surprised by the truth of my statement, "It's not your FAULT, but you certainly contributed to my decision."
"Oh really?" She challenged.
"Yeah. I mean, you weren't the ONLY reason, but you were an important reason. I was going to have to change schools, and that why I got a cellphone from Cody and made all the preparations that I did."
"And what does that have to do with me?" She asked.
"I didn't want to be separated from my friends, especially from you." I explained.
"It's still not my fault." She pointed out.
"True, true. I can't argue that." I admitted, "The blame rests solely on my mother."
"Yeah, you had nothing to do with it."
"I never said that." I pointed out, "I simply implied that I wasn't to blame. Blame is different from involvement, my behaviour may have led up to the conflict, but it wasn't blameworthy." I pointed out, proud of my logic.
"True enough, true enough." She conceded.
"Of course it is. I mean, I said it." I said, filling my voice with fake conceit.
She shoved me, "Oh, shut up."
I laughed, and shoved her back, "You."
"Fine, I will." She replied, smirking.
"Not like you could." I said.
She raised her eyebrows quizzically, and then proceeded to look away from me, and walk a couple of feet into the living room, where she sat down on a chair. I sat down next to her on the couch that was at about a ninety degree angle from the couch, with the arm of the chair that faced towards the wall which the couch sat against touching the arm of the couch.
"Are you ignoring me, or just trying to annoy me by being absolutely silent?" I asked.
"I'm be-" she began, and them laughed, "You win."
"As always." I said, and then laughed.
"Arrogance doesn't suit you well, runaway." She said, pretending to spit the word 'runaway'.
"I don't know. I look to be doing pretty well, I'd say."
She rolled her eyes, "Right, whatever you say."
We laughed, and then silence fell again.
"This is hard." I said.
"It is." She said, "It was a bad time to tell me how you felt."
"I'm sorry, I guess." I said.
"Don't be." She said, and smiled, "It's just... I don't have any idea what the right thing to do is now."
I shrugged. I wanted her now, but at the same time, I needed a roof over me. I might have proposed that we just not tell anyone, but I wasn't going to lie to Kari's family. They were providing me with a place to sleep, so I wasn't about to deceive them.
I decided that we both needed a distraction; this was way too difficult.
"So." I began, "You want to walk down to the park?"
"Sure." She replied.
So we both stood up, and after she'd written a note to her parents and gotten on her shoes, we left for the park.
"So, how's life been, runaway?" She teased.
"Fine... I've gotten much better at Super Smash Bro's." I joked.
"Really?" She asked, "And why is that?"
"Well, I had to do something with my time."
"True, and while almost poisoning yourself does pass the time, it's not an enjoyable way to do so, is it."
"No, not really." I said with a laugh.
She smiled, "It's really good to see you again, T.K."
I smiled back, "It's good to see you, too, Kari."
"You still want to write novels?" She asked.
"Yep." I said, "Not that I've had much of a chance to work on that much recently."
"Cool. Shame you don't get to write, though."
"You still into photography?" I asked.
"Yeah." She said, "Haven't gotten much of a chance to actually use my camera recently. Too much homework taking up my time."
"Ouch. That's never any fun."
"Says the kid who's mother won't let him be a novelist." She replied, "I mean, I appreciate the sympathy and all, but I really should be feeling bad for you, not the other way around."
"While I agree that I deserve sympathy, that doesn't mean you don't." I pointed out.
"I guess." She said, as we finally arrived at the park.
"Hey, you want to go check out the rock?" I asked. The rock was where we'd always hung out when we were younger. It was in the wooded area behind the park, so it was always quiet, and we had never had to worry about anyone else... Which was nice when we had to deal with Davis, Tai, and my mother.
"Sure." She said.