The fanart that inspired the fic, via putri_nih/lindbloem: lindbloem[dot]deviantart[dot]com/art/You-Are-Such-a-Braggart-164859721

A/N: IMPORTANT! Okay, first of all, this won't make any sense unless you go see the picture, because I didn't attribute anyone's quotes. You can probably figure it out, but it's much easier with the picture.

Secondly, this chapter is MATURE. I didn't want to change the rating of the whole thing since most of them aren't, but for this one it's definitely M. You have been warned.

"I'm serious."

"No way."

"Oh yes."

"That's gotta be like a record."

"That's what I'm sayin'. My man performs."

"What was it, like -"

"Five times."

"Wow. Man, I didn't think Legs had it in him."

"Technically, I had it in me."

"Oh, oh gods, dammit Ruff. We were having a nice bonding moment, and then you had to ruin it with the visual of sister sex."

"Heheheh. Yeah, that's pretty fun."

"More fun than the sex?"

"Oh, Hel no. Don't get between me and my man."

"Oh, I won't. 'Specially since I'm a little scared of him now..."

"Damn right you are."

"Dude, dude, Lout. Gu-guess what I found out."

"Whasat now?"

"Legs has got like, a magic dick."

"...Dude, I don't even want to know how you got that info."

"Ruff was tellin' me -"

"I'm not drunk enough for this. Bar wench, another round!"

"Good now?"

"Sure man, go."

"Ruff was tellin' me, it like, it comes back, after. So it's like, *bloop*, then viiiiip, then *bloop*, then viiiiip, then -"

"I get it, you don't need the visuals."

"It's like magic."

"Man, that'd be a pretty handy skill to have."

"Yeah. I wish I could see that."

"What'd you say?"

"I said I wish I could do that."

"No you didn't."

"What'd I say?"

"...I don't remember."

"More mead?"

"You know it."

"Hey Hiccup!"

"Snotlout."

"I found something else you suck at."

"...And you came all this way just to tell me. You're a pal."

"I do it for you, buddy. So it turns out Fishlegs has a magic dick."

"I'm, I'm reasonably sure he doesn't."

"Seriously, it's like multi-orgasmic. So he can go all night long."

"That's good for him and Ruff, I guess, but it doesn't explain why you're talking about it."

"I'm just saying, he and Ruff haven't been together nearly as long as you and Astrid, but I bet Ruff's already way more satisfied."

"At least I have someone to practice with. Or has your palm been giving your pointers?"

"Oh yeah, you've been having sex with the same person for years, congrats. I mean, I can have sex with as many different girls as often as I want, but your thing is good too."

"Stop one-upping my witticisms, Lout, it's bad for my self-image."

"Stop doing what to your what now?"

"And just like that, I feel better about myself. Thanks."

"So, Snotlout was talking about Fishlegs."

"Good for him?"

"Specifically, he was talking about, uh, how Fishlegs performs in bed."

"Wow, okay. I have no idea how he got that information. And yet, my mind is buzzing with possibilities."

"Yeah, I was a little scared to ask."

"All right, I'm not sure I want to know, but what exactly would inspire Snotlout to talk about Fishlegs's boudoir skills?"

"Apparently he can...perform multiple times."

"As in...?"

"As in..."

"Oh, okay. So he can get it back up."

"Apparently."

"Well, I imagine Ruff's enjoying herself."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

"And I'm not sure why Snotlout's repeating it, but let's just say he's weird and leave it at that."

"Works for me."

"Now, what I want to know is why you felt the need to bring it up."

"Oh, well, I just wanted to know what you thought. You know, about that."

"Mmhm."

"Because, I mean, I can't do that..."

"Stop right there. Hiccup, you don't have to compare yourself to anyone else."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Believe me, I am perfectly happy with the performance of your cock. Honestly, if I had to pick an organ, I'd be more worried about your tongue. You just make sure to keep that in good shape, and we'll be fine."

"Yes ma'am."

"You should know, people are talking about you."

"What? About me?""

"Yep."

"What are they saying? Ooh, is it about my new collector's edition Gronkle statuette? It's pretty epic."

"No, not exactly."

"Oh. Is it about the dragon manual?"

"No."

"My cooking?"

"Nope."

"Um...oh, me and Ruff?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it. And when I say people, well, I heard it from Hiccup, and he heard it from Lout, and I assume he heard it from Tuff. So really just us."

"Okay. What are Hiccup and Lout and Tuff saying about me?"

"They heard from somewhere - and by somewhere I mean Ruff, but you didn't hear it from me - that you have certain...skills."

"On my nightelf druid?"

"In the bedroom."

"In the...what?"

"Just that you perform well, and multiple times."

"Ruffnut told them that?"

"I'd guess she's pretty excited about it. Not a lot of guys can do that. I think. Not that I have that much experience. I know Hiccup can't..."

"Excuse me."

"Fishlegs? Where are you going?"

"I don't see what the problem is."

"That's personal information."

"Gods, so I bragged, so what?"

"So maybe before you distribute information, you should consider who else that information affects."

"It's not like it's a bad thing. Seems like they were impressed to me."

"I don't care what they think about it. I don't want them to even know about it."

"It was a compliment! What's the big deal?"

"That was supposed to be something intimate, just between us."

"Look, I liked what you did in bed, so I told someone about it. It's better than saying I hated it, right?"

"If you're going to be that loose with our private moments, maybe we shouldn't have any anymore."

"...You cannot be serious."

"Good day, Ruffnut."

"Where are you going? Hey, get back here! You can't leave, not after that! I just found it, I can't lose it again! Fishlegs? By the gods - OKAY, I'LL NEVER BRAG AGAIN, JUST COME BACK! Friggin' drama queen..."