A/N: The poem included in this chapter in Kadi's journal was written by Erin, a.k.a. tortallanrider. You're awesome! Many congrats, and thanks for letting me use it!

Chapter Four

In The Forest

Kadi brushed Everglade with a ferocity. She was avoiding Jonathan, and he knew it. What's more she wouldn't admit to herself that she was. She hadn't talked to Lorena in weeks--not since the riding incident. She felt upset and alone, with nowhere to go. No one to talk to.

That's not true. The soothing voice came from Everglade's direction. The mare munched lazily on a pile of hay on the floor, as Kadi sat in the corner, writing in her journal.

"I'm sorry, Glade. I know I always have you to talk to."

Kadi turned back to her journal, rereading the entry she had just put in.

December 19th

I shudder at the thought. They're close to the truth, the one that no one can ever know. The mention of the name Arany makes me feel sick. It has ever since. . . Well, I won't think about that now. It's just that the mention of the name Arany makes me feel ill. And what's more. . . It's that she is in the prophecy--alongside Astrik. Arany is dead, it's as simple as that. She has been, ever since I was a little girl.

Oh, I can't believe this. . . I'm. . . I think I'm actually falling in love. That's why I wrote this poem. Whenever I think I'm falling for him. . . I'd think about it. That was the plan. But. . . It didn't fit. This poem's the truth, no matter how painful.

I didn't want to
I truly didn't
I didn't-
I don't
Love you?
I can't
I won't
There's no way I will,
My heart belongs to someone else,
And I apologize if it hurts,
But I can't love you,
I won't allow myself to
Beyond all of the can'ts and won'ts,
You've found your way into my heart,
And I don't want you to leave.

Kadi slammed her journal shut, feeling angry. How could she let herself write that? Who cared if it was the truth? She couldn't love Jonathan. COULDN'T! She had pledged her heart to Astrik. Maybe it hurt. That was it! Did it matter if she suffered? But the problem was, she was supposed to marry him. She couldn't now. She had agreed to marry him, but only because she knew she would never love him. She couldn't have him if she was in love with him. It was breaking her pledge.

"I can't marry him now, Everglade," Kadi whispered, feeling angry.

Of course you can, the mare replied. You can do anything you want. Anything! If it means marrying him, then so be it. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? If it's love let it be love.

"Oh, Everglade! You don't understand. I don't want to love him! It's not fair to my pledge to Astrik."

"Don't want to love who?"

Kadi leapt to her feet, spilling her journal onto the hay covered floor. She walked over to the door, and glared at Jonathan. He was leaning against the door of Everglade's stall, eyeing the mare.

"That's none of your business!" Kadi snapped, glaring at him. "And you shouldn't sneak up on people like that. It's rude."

Jonathan smiled. "Now, I had a question for you. You said earlier that you came from Maren. And then you said something about a K'miri ceremony?"

Kadi stuck her tongue out. "If you must know my mother is a K'mir. She was sold, illegally, to slavery. My father bought her to do his tasks. Then they fell in love. We lived in Sarain until three years ago. We lived in Maren for a year, and then came here. To get away from the war. It killed two of my brothers. Another can't walk anymore." Kadi felt a bitter taste building on her tongue at the mention of her father. She hated her father. "Happy?"

Jonathan stared blankly at her for a second, as if to say "do you think I'm happy?" then looked away. "No," he said finally. "I don't like not knowing things. I'm used to knowing things. But there's so much I don't understand about you Kadi."

"Get over it," Kadi growled. She scooped up her journal and shoved the door of Everglade's stall open. "See you later, Everglade," Kadi called, walking down the isle and into the empty, stone courtyard.

Jonathan caught up with her, his hands in his breeches pockets. "I'm sorry, Kadi. But I really wish you'd let me help."

Kadi stopped walking so suddenly that Jonathan nearly fell on top of her. "Help me?" she demanded, her voice icy. "Help me with what?"

Jonathan sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Listen, Kadi. You told me that your love in Maren was called Astrik. I saw your face when Numair said it was the son of Arany and Astrik who fits into the prophecy. Who is Arany?"

Kadi blinked back the hotness in the corners of her eyes. "I. . . I don't want to talk about Arany. She's. . . She's dead. She has been since I was little." Kadi turned to stomp off, but Jonathan grabbed her arm.

The hairs on Kadi's arm stood up. Her heart rose into her throat. Her stomach twisted into a million knots. The dress around her ankles fluttered in the cool winter breeze.

"You're not telling me everything," Jonathan whispered, his grip firm on her arm. He took a step closer.

Kadi swallowed. His face was inches from her. She could barely breathe. The knot in her stomach made it ache. Her throat was clogged with her pounding heart. Her legs felt weak. She wanted to sit down--just for a moment.

"Who is Arany?" Jonathan asked. His warm breath tickled Kadi's cold face. She looked down. His hand stayed on her arm, and his other came up under her chin. He tilted it up, to meet his eyes.

Kadi stared into the deep blue pools of light that were Jonathan's eyes. He looked back into her eyes.

She swallowed. "Arany. . . she's. . . dead." It was all Kadi could manage through her pounding heart.

Just kiss me! part of her mind screamed.

Don't you dare! the other part shouted back.

Jonathan stared into Kadi's hazel eyes, transfixed. Kadi stared back, trying to glower. She couldn't though. His gaze softened her anger--melted it. She wanted to scream with rage. To hit something. But she couldn't. Not while his hand was on her arm. The other was still under her chin.

Kadi bit the inside of her cheek. She wouldn't be the first to break the silence.

Jonathan leaned in, tilting his head to the side. Without even meaning to, Kadi leaned in too, her head tilting to the other side. Their lips met, soft and sweet. Jonathan's lips were soft and smooth against hers. The knot in Kadi's stomach tightened, and then released. She didn't need to breathe now.

Jonathan put his hand on the small of her back, his other still under her chin. Kadi hung there. Not sure whether she was still alive, or if she had gone to the Peaceful Realms.

"Jon? Jon? Hey, Kingy? Where'd you go?" The voice was Alanna's. The thought faintly made it into Kadi's mind.

Softly, Jonathan pulled back, his eyes locked on Kadi's. He gave her a wry smile, and shrugged. Alanna came into the courtyard, running.

"What's up, Alanna?" Jonathan asked, shoving his hands into his breeches pockets. Kadi stood there, somewhere between shock and amazement.

Alanna stopped running, barely even panting. "The Watch spotted bandits in the Royal Forest. They're looting some poor soul in there. Should I take the Own? Or some rogues?"

Jonathan didn't even bite his lip and think. "You go. Take however many you want. But if you take a whole company of the Own. . . It'll get too confusing. Take whoever. And hurry."

Alanna nodded. "Kadi? You think you're ready for your first fight?"

"M-Me?" Kadi stuttered, pulled from shock. "I. . . Do you think I'm ready, Lioness?"

Alanna grinned. "Only one way to tell. I won't let you die. But if you kill anyone--" she shrugged-- "That's your problem. Go change. Tell the blacksmith I sent you for weapons. I'll get the others." Alanna turned and ran off.

Kadi turned to do her job, but Jonathan grabbed her arm. "Be careful?" It was a question, not a statement.

Kadi was about to sharpen her tongue on him, when she remembered the kiss. Her lips tingled with pleasure still, and her stomach was in knots. "Alright," she whispered hoarsely.

Jonathan smiled. Kadi turned, and started to walk away. That was when Jonathan slapped her bottom.

Kadi spun around, her anger flaring. Jonathan smirked, his eyes sparkling mischievously. "I cannot believe you just did that!" Kadi screamed.

"It's for good luck." Without another word Jonathan turned and walked off, whistling, hands in pockets.

Still angry, Kadi went back to her rooms. There she dressed hurriedly in a white shirt and gray breeches. She put on a worn pair of black boots Alanna had given her. Then she tied her hair back, braiding it as she hurried to the blacksmiths' wing.

When she entered all the men's heads turned. Gary smiled, and came over. "What're you doing here, Kadi?" he asked. The other knights continued to stare. Gary threw his arm around Kadi's shoulders, and steered her up to the counter. "What is it?" he whispered, leaning in close.

"Alanna says there's a bandit looting in the Royal Forest." Kadi eyed the others, keeping her voice down. "She sent me to get weapons. She's getting some others to fight."

"How come she didn't ask me?" Gary demanded, sounding childish.

Kadi shrugged, removing his arm from around her shoulders. "I don't know. You'd have to ask her." She turned to the smith. "Excuse me?"

The smith turned to her. His blond hair was all but chopped off, nothing like Astrik's. He was a pudgy man, his apron covered in soot. "What d'ye want, lassie?"

Kadi felt nervous. She had never liked talking to men who called her "lass" or "lassie". For some reason it made her uncomfortable. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

Gary put his hand on her shoulder, and looked at the smith. "Sir William, this is Kadina of Reliem. Sir Alanna has sent her to get weapons for herself. If you'll please comply. She'll require a sword, and eight daggers."

Sir William hmphedbut obeyed. He fetched a silver sword, a scabbard for it, and eight daggers in holders. He handed them to Gary, who took them, then steered Kadi out with his other arm.

When they were in the hall, Gary unwound a thin piece of leather from his armful. "Put this around your waist, sort of loose," he instructed. Kadi took it, and found that it was very flexible, and easy to tie. She did it up around her waist. Next Gary handed her the sword, now firmly secured in a black scabbard. "This goes on your left side. You tie these here." He pointed to the scabbard's thong, and showed her how to tie it around the weapon's belt. "These four go here." Gary took four of the daggers with similar thongs to the scabbard's, and showed her how to tie those on her weapons belt too. "And these go in your pants and arms legs." He pulled back the sleeve of his shirt, and revealed a dagger securely clipped in a holder around his forearm. He showed Kadi how to do up the arm ones, and let her roll up her breeches to slip the leg knives on. "Let's go find Alanna." Gary took Kadi's arm, and led her off at a jog.

They found Alanna and some others in a courtyard, where all the horses were saddled. Everglade awaited Kadi, next to a large bay charger with white feathers on his legs.

"So you weren't planning on not including me!" Gary exclaimed, mounting the bay charger.

Alanna shook her head. "Nope. I just figured that you were still at the blacksmith's when I couldn't find you. So I figured you'd come with Kadi. Oh, Kadi, you'll want this too." She held up a dagger in a scabbard with thong ties going up and right, up and left, down and right, and down and left.

"What's that?" Kadi asked, taking it from Alanna and eyeing it curiously.

"It's a K'mir invention." The voice belonged to a heavily built, short woman with close cropped black hair. She bore two swords, and who knew how many daggers. "I'm Burriram Tourakom. You can just call me Buri though." She held out a hand, and Kadi shook it, feeling the rough calluses all over it. "It's a woman thing. See, it fits between your breasts. The enemy rarely finds it." Buri pulled her shirt out of her breeches, and lifted it over her head. She had her own dagger wedged between her breast, hidden mostly under her breastband.

Gary whistled. Raoul blushed crimson and looked away. A lean built woman with full red lips and a well-formed body, slapped Gary on the shoulder, moving her little horse next to his full-sized charger.

She kicked her horse forward, and Kadi recognized Ralnsin. The little mare with a stocking and a blaze. "I'm Thayet." She offered a hand to Kadi, as Buri pulled her shirt back down and tucked it in.

Kadi slipped the dagger under her breastband, carefully keeping her back to Gary and Raoul. She held her hair out of the way as Alanna tied it up in back.

Shod hooves clomped around the corner. Kadi looked up. Her face turned beet red. She looked away, closing her eyes.

Oh, Mithros. That is cruel. Make it go away!

Kadi glanced up through her eyelashes. She saw Jonathan smirking from atop Aranho. The skewbald stallion nickered. At least, that's what everyone else heard. To Kadi it was, It's alright. You don't have to worry. He has a sense of humor. Of that I am sure.

"All done." Kadi dropped her hair, and pulled her shirt down hurriedly, tucking it in. Alanna swung herself up onto Chocolate, and Kadi climbed onto Everglade, still looking anywhere but Jonathan.

"Let's go," Alanna said. She swung Chocolate around, and the other's fell into line behind her. Jonathan directly behind her, followed by Buri and her little mare, Tierinel. Behind them was Thayet and Ralnsin. And then Gary and the bay charger. And Raoul and who Kadi presumed was Rebel. Kadi brought up the rear. She edged up to Raoul, and looked over his horse.

"Is that Rebel?" she asked, reaching out to stroke the horse's neck.

Raoul nodded. "You're a bit red in the face," he teased, poking her in the side.

"Ha, ha, ha," Kadi said, though without humor.

Rebel was a big sorrel, his flaxen mane and tail almost white. "He's gorgeous," Kadi breathed.

"Yeah, but he's a menace. Maybe he's gorgeous. But I'd bet twenty gold nobles there's no way in the Realms of Chaos you could ride him."

"You forget, I'm a Horse Whisperer. I'd take your bet. Because I'm sure I could ride him. So how's that?"

Raoul shook his head. Up ahead Alanna raised her fist in the air. The others stopped, and Kadi followed suit. Somewhere she remembered bits of hand signals Alanna had tried to teach her.

Alanna got off of Chocolate, who stayed put. After a minute, she climbed back on. "Blood," she called back. "The trail's still hot."

The group set off again, Kadi pulling back behind Raoul. Someone yelled up ahead. "Get them!" Alanna roared. Kadi heard the sound of metal clearing the scabbard, and those in front rode the first bandit down. The others fled through a passage that was too small for the chargers to get through. Alanna, Jonathan, Gary, and Raoul dismounted, and took after them on foot.

Thayet and Buri were climbing off when Kadi saw something. "ARCHERS!" She yelled, pointing the trees. Two crossbow bolts rained down on them, as Everglade leaped out of the way.

Buri and Thayet turned on them. Buri pulled a crossbow from behind her saddle, taking the reins in her mouth. Tierinel moved from Buri's foot, and seat, commands as her rider shot the first one down. The other leapt out of a tree, and took off running.

Kadi steeled her resolve. She turned Everglade around. "We can do this," she whispered. Everglade faced the log, bigger than the one they had jumped last time. "For Tortall!" Kadi yelled.

She kicked Everglade forward. Everglade launched herself forward, jumping into a canter. Kadi rose out of the saddle. Everglade took off from the ground. Kadi clutched at Everglade's mane, careful to keep her heels down. They soared off the other side, and Everglade took off running. She galloped forward, gaining on the bandit.

Kadi pulled her sword free of its scabbard, and bore down on him. "For Tortall and the King!" she bellowed. Everglade moved forward, ever faster. She was gaining quickly on the bandit.

Kadi's focus was on the bandit they were running down. She aimed, ready to stab him to drop, but not to kill. Then she flew out of the saddle.

Kadi landed with a thump against a tree trunk."Oh, ow," Kadi whispered, sitting up. She blinked. A bandit with a pole was advancing on her, wielding it like a staff.

Slowly, Kadi crawled to her feet, her fist sweaty on the hilt of her sword. The man struck high. Kadi pulled her sword up, and blocked it clumsily. She moved her feet, staying upright. He swung low, striking her in the shins. Then he brought it around the other way, hitting the back of her knees. Kadi crumpled to the ground. He slammed in, trying to break her ribs. Kadi rolled to the side, jabbing at his leg with her sword. The bandit leapt back, and swung again.

Kadi climbed to her feet, dodging his blow. She struck in. He blocked it and spun his staff. The sword stuck in the wood. Kadi hung on, trying to yank it free. Instead she went with the sword, landing against a tree trunk. She licked her lips. The taste of warm blood hit her. She got to her feet, struggling.

I will never give up, she told herself, blocking as the bandit struck again. She blocked again and again, hoping for an opening. He swung downwards. She blocked him. He swung the other side around, and connected with her stomach.

"Umph!" The air was knocked out of Kadi, and she landed against another tree trunk, panting. The sword was still in her hand when the staff came down again. She thrust the sword up, and kept her elbows bent, trying to hold it off.

He pulled away and swung downwards. He slammed the end into Kadi's stomach. She yelped in pain, moaning. Then he crashed down on her ribs. She could almost feel them snap. It came down again, smashing into her leg. He slammed her again and again.

The black folds of cloth fell away from his face. A wicked grin was plastered across it. He slammed down on her stomach again.

Kadi choked. She couldn't breathe. A horrible taste rose in her mouth. She gagged. Her throat twisted tight as he slammed her stomach again and again. Pain bit down on her throat. It hurt. Fire was burning in her stomach. The pain in her throat was wretched. He slammed down again, and the pain made white lights explode in Kadi's vision. It peaked as a rushing feeling tore across her throat, and she threw up, lying on her back.

The bandit was cackling now, slamming her stomach again and again. The pain was making Kadi go mad. She couldn't move. She hurt in every part. She lay there, throwing up as the bandit tortured her.

"Leave her be." Kadi could barely hear the voice. Her eyes were tight shut against all the pain. The bandit stopped hitting her stomach. For a minute she could breath. The taste in her mouth was horrible, but at least she wasn't throwing up for a second.

"Lord Canhoy! She is all yours."

"Of course she is," the man replied. Kadi felt a cold dagger pushed against her body. The man sliced off her clothing. But she was too weak to fight. She didn't even try to fight while he raped her. She felt him draw back, and heard the rustling of him putting his clothing back on. Then he stomped on her stomach with ferocity. Kadi threw up again, the pain in her throat returning to new levels. She was bruised and hurt. And now she lay cold in the dirt--the snow couldn't break the Royal Forest's canopy. She wore no clothing; she had been raped and tortured.

Kadi closed her eyes and cried.

R-E-V-I-E-W! Please?