Hairdye & Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My!
Part 1/3

Scene takes place immediately following the events of 'Brotherly Love'---
(the highlights will be recapped below for your reading convenience)

The mirror flew straight upwards as if propelled by some supernatural force. A golden lightning bolt streaked through the air, searing it with the smell of raw power. It hit the mirror, shattering it into a million fragments that rained down upon the marketplace, sending people shrieking and running like antelope charging down the African horizon. Hercules, being the good little hero he was, assisted an elderly couple away from the falling glass. Iolaus tried to shield his head as best he could and Autolycus was curled up so tightly on the ground from laughter that no glass could possibly get into his little cocoon. Occasional giggles and wheezes for breath proved he was still alive. Only Ares remained stationary, his anger too great for him to notice the reflective rain that was pouring down around him on all sides.

"DIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

… back at the temple …

At the sound of her name being bellowed so loud even she could hear it over the restless horses, Diana straightened, unable to hold back her grin. She stretched out her aching back. She had been shoveling now for about three hours. It was amazing how gross Ares' stables grew whenever she stayed out of trouble.

Fortunately, that was a rare occurrence.

Calipso shook her head warningly. She was leaning against the wall, watching her gypsy friend. It hadn't taken long to find her. Anyone who knew Diana knew Ares' stables were a second home to her.

"Di, I told you. I told you this was a bad idea from the beginning. Looks like Ares found out."

Diana only nodded her agreement. She didn't bother to face Calipso for her response. She just kept shoveling relentlessly. "Looks like it."

"He was bound to find out sometime. You can't hide a thing like that forever."

"Nope. Guess not."

"Diana, you do know he is going to kill you for this. You do know that, don't you?"

"Yep. Seems likely."

"Di?"

"Hmm?"

"Doesn't anything bother you?"

Diana finally turned to face Calipso, wiping the sweat off her brow as she did so. "Yes actually. There is something that bothers me."

"And that is…?"

"Spending another hour in this stable. Now please Cal, can you give me a hand? I'm almost done, only one stall left to muck."

"Oh no. You got yourself into this extracurricular activity and I'm not bailing you out this time."

Diana sighed and turned back to her work. There were times when she thought she was getting a little old for this. Her life had been a wild one and she was relatively sure she was not destined to spend the end of it shoveling horse waste for the Gods. It was merely her misfortune in life that she was born unable to resist a really good joke. And that Ares had been born entirely without a sense of humor.

"Still I suppose there is an upside to all this," Calipso mused quietly. "No one else in the Temple needs to worry about having stable duty for oh—three months at least, I'd say."

"Calipso, if you don't have anything helpful to add, I do wish you'd shut up. Anyway, stable duty is not going to be a problem anymore."

Calipso slanted a golden brow. "Oh? Do tell? With your proclivity for getting in trouble, I wouldn't be hanging up any pitchforks just yet."

Diana grinned and leaned on her pitchfork knowingly. "Oh I didn't say I wouldn't be doing anymore stable duty. In fact, I highly suspect that will be Ares' punishment for me. I just said it wouldn't be a problem."

"Really?"

"Yep. Not now that I'm getting the SSS Super-Stable-Scooper 3000. Takes all the guesswork out of cleaning your stables. It's energy efficient, friendly to the environment and its not tested on animals. Built with a 4 Trojan horsepower engine, it does the big jobs others can't. Comes with a limited warranty and its own compact leather carrying case. Not available in the Marketplace, only through this exclusive offer. Big Savings if you act now." Diana broke off her bad infomercial speech and poked herself proudly in the chest. "So, I did. It's being overnighted by Athenian Post today."

Calipso stared at her as if she had suddenly turned to a vampire and started snacking on the horses. "Di, are you out of your mind? Who sold you this… this thing? What if it doesn't work?"

"Oh that's covered Cal. Comes with a 100 satisfaction guarantee. If I am not completely satisfied, I can return it for a full refund. Besides, Salmoneus swore that it works. Says he uses his at home for…"

"You actually bought from Salmoneus? OMGOW! Di, how much did you spend for this… this… this…?"

"Cal, you worry too much. It wasn't that much and besides, I got 40 off retail value for buying within the first ten minutes. I guarantee you, my stable duty problems are solved."

They were interrupted by the appearance of Arebella, who seemed out of breath, as if she had been running a great distance. "Diana, Ares demands your presence in his throne room. Pronto."

Diana halfheartedly smiled. "I suspected as much."

"I believe his exact words were: Tell her she has ten minutes or I'll come looking for her myself." Arebella took a step backward and crinkled her nose. "And I'm not sure how you are going to fit a shower into those ten minutes, but you'd better try."

Diana turned to gloat at Calipso. "See? I didn't even have to finish the last hour in here. Today is definitely my day!"

Calipso smiled dryly. "So said the smoking pile of ash…"

… ten minutes and one very fast shower later …

"You wanted to see me, My Lord?"

Ares merely turned and looked steadily at her. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. The look on his face said it all.

"Lord Ares, is everything alright?" Diana's expression was a mask of innocence.

"Diana, I am not in the mood to play games."

"No, My Lord."

"I want a straight answer from you and I want it now."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Tell me, if you will, what exactly is wrong with my hair?"

"Your hair?"

"My hair."

"Nothing that I can see, My Lord," Diana said smoothly, not even cracking a smile. "A bit fluffier than usual perhaps, but…"

"I'm not talking about the style Diana. I'm talking about the color."

"The color?"

"The color."

"Well… now that you mention it… it does look a trifle lighter…"

"Lighter?"

"Well… more brown than black, since you brought it up. But it's a smashing shade on you, I must say. Of course I fail to see where I come into the picture. If you decided to dye your hair Ares, it's really not my place to…"

"I am not a fool, thank you. It's not just my hair that has changed, but my sideburns, moustache and eyebrows as well."

"I noticed that. Boy, when you decide on a change, you really go for the gusto, don't you?"

"It's not just that the color is brown," Ares growled. "It also happens to be the exact shade of Hercules' hair."

"Hercules' hair?"

"Diana, will you kindly stop repeating everything I say?"

Diana took a step back and widened her eyes, as if stunned. "Wow. That is an amazing coincidence. Imagine, you decide to dye your hair brown and it turns out to be the exact shade of Hercules' hair. I guess it really is a small world."

"Diana…"

"Did I mention what a great color that is on you? Very becoming, there is no doubt about it."

"DIANA! You have exactly one minute of your remaining and very short lifespan to tell me how long this color will stay permanent and which god you got it from!"

The smell of distant thunder began to fill the room and the tips of Diana's hair began to crackle with static electricity. She very quickly decided that being cooperative was not "giving in". It was merely "strategic retreat".

"Um, not that I am saying that I had anything to do with anything you might possibly be implying in any way, shape or form, but I might be able to hazard a guess towards the origins of the hairdye—course, this is only a guess mind you, but if you recall the day Aphrodite was trying to invent that new hair bleach and went a little too far the wrong way and she didn't leave her temple for three months…"

"THREE MONTHS! I am stuck with this Zeus-Be-Damned color for THREE MONTHS?!"

"… and you know it really doesn't look that bad, its MUCH nicer then the pink, if you don't mind my saying so…"

"I FORBADE ANY MENTION OF THE PINK! DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT THE PINK!"

"… and I'm sure 'Dite would love to help you cut and style it and did I mention that color just suits you? Brunette is you…"

"APHRODITE KNOWS ABOUT THIS? She is the biggest mouth on Olympus." Ares began to rub his temples. "I think I feel a migraine coming on."

Diana grinned sunnily at him. "Oh now everyone knows God's don't get headaches."

"The other God's don't have you either," Ares returned nastily. He rubbed a little harder, then cocked his head to one side. "Diana…" he began and stopped. He tried twice more to say something, then finally shook his head. He turned, strode back to his throne and dropped down in it with a heavy sigh. He braced his arms on the armrest and steepled his fingers, resting his chin on them as he stared at Diana intensely. "What am I going to do with you, gypsy?"

"Oh you needn't point me to the stables, My Lord," Diana continued cheerfully. "I'm well aware of where those are located. So I'll just be off then, shall I?"

She turned to go, but Ares stopped her by clearing his throat.

"Not this time."

Diana turned, a strange prickling at the back of her neck. "I'm sorry?"

"I said, not this time Diana."

There was silence in the room for a solid minute. Ares himself was savoring it. Firstly, because silence wasn't something that happened around Diana very often. But mostly because he could read exactly what was going through her mind in her expression. It usually wasn't like that. Diana typically had an inscrutable expression that could make Xena foam at the mouth with envy. But all that changed when she was confused. He could taste the fear in her now. She had clearly expected him to punish her with stable duty, but this time he had done things differently. He was acting out of character, which made him unpredictable and that had Diana really, really nervous. Perhaps for the first time, she was truly tasting the consequences of her actions.

"What do you mean, My Lord?"

Ares made her wait a little longer before he responded. Watching her squirm was more fun then he thought it would be. "I mean, I've decided on a different punishment for you this time."

When he didn't elaborate further, Diana started to babble out of sheer nervousness. It always was her weak spot to talk too much when she was in a jam.

"Look Ares, I'm really sorry ok, but it was just a joke. I didn't mean anything by it. I was just playing with you, that's all. C'mon! Where is your sense of humor? It's like not anyone really cares what color your hair is, it's all about the person you are on the inside. Hasn't anyone ever told you that? You just keep being your gruff, coarse, disgusting self and no one will ever notice the diff—"

"Diana," Ares interrupted coldly. "Did I ask for an explanation? You are going to be punished. There is no other alternative. Right now, it is merely a question of how."

Diana was literally shaking at this point. "Well—you could give me extra weapons training I guess," she whispered. "Or you could make me practice my—" she shuddered, "—archery."

Ares remained silent again just for the sheer hell of it. Diana shifted from foot to foot.

"Please Master… wh-what are you going to do with me?"

Ares stifled a grin. Zeus, this was fun! She never called him 'Master' unless she was really groveling.

"What do you think I should do with you, my pet? You disrespected me in my own Temple, humiliated me in front of my priestesses and—" he winced, "—my… HALF-brother. Dressing me up as Hercules? Diana, that is a very particular and serious insult."

"Ares—I'm sorry."

"And you think that will fix everything? You do this continuously! You keep disrespecting me and then thinking that a simple apology—can—" Ares slowly trailed off. He looked thoughtful as he stood and started pacing in front his throne. Diana tried to interrupt once, but he shushed her with a wave of his hand and kept pacing.

Finally he stopped and faced her directly, a speculative gleam in his obsidian gaze. "Yes. Yes I think that will do it."

Diana stared wide-eyed at him. "What? WHAT?!"

Ares finally let his grin go and it slid across his face with a slow, evil smirk. Diana saw it and knew she was knee deep in it now. "From now on, Diana, you will be my official complimentor."

There was silence again, but this one definitely was owed to shock.

"Your—what?"

"Yes. Whenever people aren't showing proper respect for a God, or any priestesses get the urge to say something, well, nasty, or I'm feeling down for some reason, or I've had to actually make an appearance at Olympus—it will be up to you to remind of just how perfect I am."

"Your official COMPLIMENTOR?!"

"Yes Diana. Your hearing is excellent."

"You can't be serious! My Lord…"

"Oh but I am. With your boundless creativity and glib tongue, I know I can count on you to do a good job."

"Ares, are you trying to make me the laughingstock of the entire temple?!"

Ares couldn't hold back his smirk. "Oh no my sweet. I think you do that just fine on your own."

Diana looked like a lost puppy. "You don't mean it. You cannot possibly mean…"

"I am quite serious. You will be there at every occasion I require, you will do nothing but compliment me and say pleasant, nice, respectful things in and out of my presence and you will not disobey any of these commands or else the consequences will be extremely severe. This is a drop in the bucket compared to what I will do if I find out you are working behind my back, have I made myself quite clear?"

"But Ares…"

"I said, have I made myself quite clear, DIANA?"

Diana hung her head, sinking to her knees wearily. "Yes My Lord."

Ares nodded in satisfaction. "Oh yes… and one more thing. I fear I have been too lenient with you priestesses in the past. That is how things get out of hand like this. Diana, you will be the eyes and ears behind my back. You will promptly inform me anytime one of my acolytes or priestesses says something derogatory about me behind my back, while of course refraining from such behavior yourself, so that I may take the appropriate action to discipline them."

Diana's jaw dropped and she shot to her feet, almost tripping in the process. "Lord Ares, I've been many things I'm not proud of in my life, but never have I been a tattletale!"

"It's not tattling to inform me when a priestess is behaving disrespectfully towards her Lord. But that is the most ironic thing about this scenario—" Ares paused and looked at Diana with a sly grin, "—that nobody in the temple would suspect you."

"You are going to make me the most unpopular priestess in the entire temple!"

"Much as it may pain you to hear this, I don't give a damn about your popularity Diana. You will obey my orders and you will do it without question. Now you are dismissed."

"But… but…"

"Go!"

Diana's mouth kept opening and shutting like a fish, but no words came out. What was there to say anyway? Ares was not backing down on this one and she had about as much chance of getting out of this as an unlucky skier in an avalanche.

She started to exit, but Ares stopped her again. "Oh one last thing. If you dare try to lie to me about the other priestesses and I find out, you will regret it. Don't forget that."

"No, My Lord."

Diana turned and stalked out, not quite as meekly as her tone of voice would indicate. Ares waited patiently. It was very unlike Diana to leave the room without at least trying to get in the last word.

His patience was rewarded for as soon as she reached the corridor outside the throne room, her words floated back to him.

"Oh my WAR GOD!"

Ares chuckled.

"And don't you forget it!"