A/N: Don't sue. I don't own anything.
A/N: Thanks for the great response for the first chapter! Again, a special thanks to my wonderful beta reader Pandorama, and to Bel Vezer for letting me steal...I mean borrow her alpha.
Work was hard enough. Between the heavy traumas and the tasteless jokes of some of her coworkers, the day was already bad. It was torturous, really, working in such close proximity with one whom she wouldn't have minded putting a mile, maybe two for good measure.
Susan was properly shocked at Carter's return and decently sympathetic at the fact Abby had no idea what to do. What made her less pleased with Susan's reaction was that her best friend wanted her to make up with Carter quickly. She would have been more than content to never say another word to the idiot.
Maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe she wasn't giving him enough of a chance to explain, if there was even anything more that could be said. Maybe she should talk to him; they could work it out like adults, instead of playing this stupid game. Half of her wanted to be completely irrational and irritable, and the other half wanted to take Susan's advice and actually talk to him.
She was still embattled in silent debate when she sensed Carter's presence behind her. She was standing at the admit desk, browsing through charts; he was doing the same. They purposely missed each others' gaze.
Across from her, Susan gave her a look. It was one of those looks that was really a nudge, a go for it! Or maybe it was a let's go already! Abby couldn't tell. Before she had made up her mind, Carter had begun to walk away.
Abby followed him. He suddenly turned around and almost ran right into her.
"Hey."
"Hey," she answered quickly.
"Do you want to get a cup of coffee?" he asked hesitantly.
"Okay."
She didn't think it could get any more awkward, but as always, he proved her wrong. The tension between them was even thicker than it had been in the trauma room. Carter was probably waiting for her to make the first move.
But Susan's words kept ringing in her head. He had come right from her apartment from the airport, and although she was angry at him, maybe she should at least give him a chance to explain.
They were walking back from the Roach Coach when her resolve broke. "So how was it?"
There was a pause
"It was incredible," he said softly. Abby didn't say anything. She felt her heart sink, past its usual spot between her ribs, settling somewhere by her navel. "And it was terrible." She frowned. Carter tried to explain. "It was, um, it was kids with polio, it was kids dying from malnutrition, and malaria and whooping cough…" His voice trailed off and he looked at her. "And it was beautiful. The country's beautiful."
Abby didn't know what to say. His tone…there was just something so…wrong about it. He sounded too much like a hero. Like he wanted the recognition for being able to help people in some godforsaken country, instead of feeling the joy in really doing some good.
Maybe that was the difference. They both helped people, they both worked at the hospital. There was no denying that Carter enjoyed helping people, but she could not understand why the hell he had to do it in Africa. He needed to feel like he was really doing something, when if he just opened his eyes, he could realize he was doing the same thing right here.
She couldn't help but wonder why he'd even gone. He knew that she didn't want him to go. He had promised her that he wouldn't leave. And yet, that's exactly what he had done. Out the door, not a single goodbye, or last kiss, or anything…just…gone. Abandoned. The word echoed cruelly in her head.
He sensed her tension, her disconnect from the conversation. He tried again. "The hospital doesn't have enough staff, so the patients' family members stay with them. They cook for them and clean for them. They change the sheets."
Abby didn't know what to say. There was nothing she could say to that. He was digging himself a hole.
"It was a life changing experience," he finally said. "I just don't know how yet."
I do.
She had to switch tracks. She couldn't keep going on this one; it was only making her angrier. "Where's Luka?"
Carter kept walking and then asked angrily, "Is that was this is about?"
Her eyes narrowed. "No."
He seemed to accept that for an answer. "Luka's fine." Carter gave a twisted smile. "He's more than fine."
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing," he said noncommittally.
"Nothing," Abby repeated. She knew that the conversation was going nowhere. "You know we don't talk?"
Carter just looked at her, taken aback. "We're not talking now?"
Typical Carter. The superficial was enough for him. Talking to him was about having words come out of his mouth, having her listen.To him, talking was just words. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Your mouth is moving, you give the impression like we're having a real conversation…but when you finish, I have no idea what you're thinking." Abby fumbled to explain.
It was either futile, or frustrating, or both. She didn't know how to convey it to him. It was like explaining to a blind person what the sky looked like. It was something one either understood, or didn't. Carter was apparently one of those who didn't.
"I was trying to tell you about Africa," he offered tentatively.
How right he was, and yet so, so wrong. It wasn't even about Africa anymore. She didn't care to listen to him recount any more tales in that falsely heroic voice, like he was superman, here to save the world.
Her temper was beginning to get the better of her again. She was already angry from the encounter at the ungodly hour in the morning, and now she had to put up with more of his crap. It was utterly unbearable.
"I don't know. You knew I didn't want you to go, but you went anyway. Were you trying to hurt me?"
Carter sighed loudly, not even halfway attempting to conceal his anger. "Why would I want to hurt you?"
That was a good question, she could give him that. Why would he want to hurt her? Perhaps he didn't. Perhaps that was the saddest thing. He'd hurt her without even trying.
"I-I don't know, I don't know! Why would you want to hurt me?"
"It wasn't about you," Carter tried defensively.
How could it not be? They were supposed to be together, however society defined that term as these days. They were supposed to be able to trust each other. He was supposed to at least tell her when he was making important decisions like these. He could have been killed, and she wouldn't even have known. His goodbye might as well have been a postcard.
"Oh, come on! You weren't even going to tell me you were going! If I hadn't bumped into you when you were leaving, I wouldn't have even known!"
"I wasn't trying to hurt you."
He'd said it once, and she hadn't believed him then. She didn't believe it any more the second time. Half of her wanted to tear him to pieces right there. The other half simply wanted to walk away and never think of him or Africa or any of it again. Her thoughts tangled inside her as the blaring sirens and bustle of the ambulance bay filled in the dead air.
Carter seemed to conclude the worst from her silence. "I wanted to feel like I was really doing something!"
How could someone so intelligent say exactly the wrong thing?
"Did you even think about me?" she spat.
"Yes!" Carter answered quickly. Too quickly.
"Okay. What did you think?"
The question wasn't meant to be hard, and it wasn't meant to be a trick question. He wasn't supposed to be stunned into silence. He was supposed to answer her. He was supposed to know the answer. It should have been right off the top of his head. It would have been if their relationship was still alive. His hesitation said more than his words ever would.
"What did you think?" Abby insisted. Carter only blinked at her. It was enough. He had lied. He hadn't thought about her at all. "I don't know why you bothered to come back."
He couldn't even answer her. That was the worst blow he had dealt her so far, and he hadn't even been back or a day yet. He could have said anything, anything, and it would have been better than his silence. He could have lied and it would have sounded better. Even an immature Carter who said he thought of nothing except the sex would be better than this stunned, hopeless, clueless Carter. She was sick of trying to tell him where to find the clue. He would just have to muddle through it himself, or end the pain.
"Oh, so you're just going to walk away?"
"Yeah," she answered simply.
"Okay, walk away, Abby. That's what you do best!" Carter called after her, anger pulsing through his voice.
Abby whipped around and strode back to him furiously. "Okay," she began breathlessly. "You want to know what you do best? You make this all about my problems, but you know what? You have some really big problems too!"
Carter raised a disbelieving eyebrow at her. She struggled not to blush.
"You have some really big problems!" she insisted.
Carter only stared at her. Abby cringed.
Her point was lost in the lame attempt at a comeback, as anger clouded her usually sharp mind. Words failed her, and at the worst of times. Even so, anger still coursed through her at twice its usual rate. How dare he.
It gave a whole new meaning to the word hypocrite.